Gypsy Feet

I am so grateful to have found this site. I am sober 6+ months and live with my alcoholic husband. We have been separated about 5 years, I just moved back into his garage in sept 08. Last weekend while I was trying to figure out how to transfer my job back to my home town, he came to the realization that we aren't "together". I am not sure why he would think that we were, as I live in the garage, our website profiles list us as single, and neither of us has worn a wedding ring or said I love you since we split up, but what ever. He quit drinking (as far as I know) just after I did, 6 months ago. He is back to full blown, case of beer a night for the weekends drinking, because he is hurt that we are "just pals".

I will be soooooooooooo relieved when I can get my own place.

MissFixit

Hi Gypsy,

It sounds like he is confused. Since you are still in contact and live above the garage, maybe he is getting mixed messages.

How are you?

bohemianzen

you are responsible for your drinking
he is responsible for his drinking
him blaming you is an alcoholics excuse
sounds like u need to get out of there --- best wishes

Gypsy Feet

I am ok for the most part, thanks for asking. I feel badly for him, and a bit mad at him, but mostly I divide my time between dreaming and scheming how to move out, and trying to pull myself back to today and be grateful for the moment=)

Ann

They drink because it's a cloudy day and they drink because the sunshine is too bright. They drink because they are depressed and they drink to celebrate success. But mostly, they drink because they are alcoholics and all these things are just not-so-good excuses.

You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. And you sure as heck aren't responsible for it.

This may not be a good place for you to be, since your own sobriety may get tested. My thoughts are that moving soon would "clarify" this situation...and surely drive him to drink because it's another opportunity to blame someone.

Good luck, and congratulations on your own recovery.

Hugs

sandrawg

Maybe he is confused but this does not justify him blaming his drinking on Gypsy.

Gypsy-I'm glad you're not falling for that cr*p.

If it was raining, he'd use it as an excuse to drink. If the sun was shining, he'd use it as an excuse to drink. A's ALWAYS have an excuse and if you take on that blame and responsibility, it will eat you up inside.

That, to me, is one of the most insidiously manipulative and destructive things alcoholic do-is blame the codependent for their drinking.

I would say-NO, you chose to handle your problems this way-I did not put a gun to your head or force you to drink. There are any number of ways you can deal with our breakup-I REFUSE TO OWN YOUR SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR.

whyamistaying

Wow. This must be hard for you. Could you maybe just not be "home" alot so you don't even have to interface with him?

Gypsy Feet

I am hoping this is my push out the door. he does get mixed messages as I prepare him 3 meals a day and we vacation together. When we do actually talk, I always tell him the marriage is done, but then I guess he "sees" changes in me that indicate a maybe to him? Anyway, its all sad but I'm not taking the blame for much. I am trying very hard to find the "responsible" way to move out, but my gypsy feet will boogie on out before too long either way. Thanks for the posts. I really feel for the spouses on this site who have not embraced the codependency teachings. Without them I would be lost.

MissFixit

Hi Gypsy,

Just to clarify, I did not mean that you shoudl accept responsibility for his drinking or anyone elses. I meant that he might be confused as you two spend time together, he has feelings for you and you two are practically living together. I am NOT condemning anything you are doing. There are financial and external factors that affect us all.

His drinking is 100% his repsonsibility. But, if you are right there and he loves you or sometimes thinks he does and he is drinking, then he is likely to say guilt-ridden things. You are still in the mix. IMHO the only way out for you is to move. Again, I know that is what you are working towards, but in the mean time be prepared to hear his crap.

Miss

Gypsy Feet

Ya, I understood what you meant, no worries<3. I do feel bad that his internal dialog has brought him to this again. We have been down this road once before since the break up. I can maintain "just pals", because frankly that's how I feel. He wants his wife back. We were over long ago though, and it's too bad he will use this as an excuse to self-destruct .

steve11694

Reasons for drinking;

you love him too much
don't love him enough

and any/or/all the words contained in the Merriam Webster dictionary


All the reasons for drinking are TOTAL BS

Gypsy Feet

Last night he brought home my DoC instead of his to indulge in. It's his house so I can't insist he get rid of it. Luckily stuff like that makes me more determined if anything. Trying to live in the moment and enjoy my blessing while I prepare and wait for the opportunity to scoot!

Dee74

That's some pretty classic underhanded stuff right there Lisa - hit the real estate listings!

D

MissFixit

Gypsy,

Good for you for recognizing his lowly attempts to get under your skin with the drug. Pardon my bluntness, but he is a selfish and immature jerk for doing that. I hope for your sake that you find another living arrangement soon.

Miss

TakingCharge999

Gypsy I hope you find a new place soon... sheeeeeeesh that seems a toxic atmosphere alright

All the best to you.

Gypsy Feet

This codie recovery stuff is mind blowing. I had another epiphany (they just keep coming!!) while responding to another thread. The man I married is completely emotionally handicapped. He has been since I met him. For almost 20 years, I have maintained all of his social connections for him. An example:
I kept his mother's birthday on my calender. When it was nearing, I would buy the card and gift, set the card out for him to sign, repeatedly ask him to sign it. I would address it and mail it (he doesn't know or have her address anywhere) Then on her birthday I would call and hand him the phone.

How ridiculous is that!?! So he is in full shut down mode (again), and rather than feel sorry for him, I am going to be excited for him. Because now that I am done doing for him, he has a real opportunity to do for himself. The results are out of my hands, and I will not allow myself to even project what the outcome may be.

I know I am supposed to be here. I feel the lessons hammering home. I am hoping soon the path to freedom will show itself=)

In the mean time, I took a test for a promotion today, and am looking for a paralegal to help me with the divorce paper work.

I am grateful to all of you, to SR, and to my (ex), because of all of you, I will never go down this road again.