Elpis

Lately I have been having emotional dreams about the XABF. At night I do a devotional and just this week started "The Language of Letting Go" journal. I feel thankful and positive when I go to bed. When I wake up after these dreams I feel like I am sinking back into the negative feelings: thinking about him instead of concentrating on me, that it was something bad about me that caused the relationship to end, doubt about if he ever loved me. I know I am better off and my life is better without him in it. Just wondering if anyone else has dreams that put them in a bad mood. Any suggestions on how to prevent them or how to move on from them quickly? I want to get happy again instead of dwelling on the past.

CNMC2C

Funny that you mention this. I still have them every once and a while, and I have not been in contact with A XBF for over 10 months. Woke up this morning because of the dream I had about him. Weird. I thought I was losing it until my therapist told me that it could be my minds way of processing/working through my feelings. I am still learning about the whole "feelings" idea, as I have spent the majority of my life avoiding/pushing them down. I still have some anger issues where my A XBF is concerned, but am trying each and every day to get to a place where I can completely forgive him, which is harder than I thought it would be. All in due time, I guess. Glad it's just dreams.

coyote21

This is so timely that I would get on SR and see your post first. I very rarely remember my dreams, and often the ones I do have are those realistic and disturbing ones. Just had one wake me up from a sound and much needed restful sleep.

In my dream I had just walked out of my apt. and through the courtyard come about 10 or so of my co-workers all carrying empty cardboard boxes. :wtf2

I asked what are they doing and they said "We're here to pack you up, the company's moving you to Atlanta" Boy did that ever get me 0-60 in about 2 sec flat. Damn.

Then I remembered about "The Secret" that I'm listening to on audio (my friend kids me about how lazy am I getting that I can't turn the page of a book anymore). Their premise seems to be that what ever we "think", good or bad, positive or negative, sends out "vibes" into the universe, which is bound by the laws of nature to respond to, in kind.

Any way I thought I need to get this powerful fear feeling/thought out of my head before the frickin' universe responds to it and I wind up in frickin' Atlanta. BTW, no offense to you Atlantians, I'm sure it's a lovely city.

The audio book talks about little tricks/techniques to use when our minds go to something negative or what have you. One of the techniques is to have a file of "positive triggers" in our mind that never fail to calm us down or promote good peaceful feelings. You premeditate these for use when you need them.

Some examples would be sitting on the beach under a palm tree with a gentle breeze watching the beautiful waves break, the sound of a group of young children laughing, the one I used this morning is tender thoughts of my Little Miss Coyote, she's soooo funny some times.

I also just layed there and forced myself to smile at the same time for several minutes. And, voila, I was cured!

Atlanta....damn. Where does my sick mind come up with this crap!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Bernadette

Elpis - I think that means you are processing the deeply buried and hidden stuff. I think it is a good sign even if it leaves you a little uneasy in the morning. I mean what you went through with this person was deep, and often troubling. So there isn't going to be an "easy" way to truly process that stuff.

Trust the process. It's great you are doing the Language of Letting Go journal. It sounds like you are doing the work to change!

peace,
b

Rebecca4

I still have dreams about my ex (split up over 12 years ago), ciggarettes (stopped smoking a year ago) and drinking (don't drink anymore, I'm also pregnant so have not drunk in the last seven months) and I still find it upsetting when I wake up in the morning.

I dream that I'm at work, we are have a social function and I get very very drunk and I'm pregnant. I have to be put to bed and the shame I feel the next morning having to face everyone is horrendous.

The dreams about cigarettes are not as bad. To be honest, whenever I have given u before I have had them and other ex smokers I have confided in have said the same.

The ex, well I have never got over him and never will so I always expect to have those dreams.

Sorry I cannot offer any advice as to have to stop them.

xx

Freedom1990

I had a lot of those dreams after I left the EXAH and eventually divorced him. That went on for years, though they got less and less.

GiveLove

Those dreams faded for me until my X became a "symbol". When he shows up in a dream now, it's because he's a symbol for something else (pain, lack of boundaries, doubt, infidelity) It is my mind's way of healing itself through images and messages...and nothing more. It certainly does not mean that there is some "destiny" or "meant to be" around him....that's just romantic movie bs.

bookwyrm

Wow, I guess it must be something the the water or something but I've been having the weirdest dreams about my STBXAH for the past month. I haven't talked to anyone about them - I'm trying to ignore them. But maybe you have a point CNMC2C and Bernadette - I've been pushing things to one side to just get through the day so maybe this is my mind's way of trying to process all those feelings. I'm glad to have read this thread. I had thought that he had so premeated my mind/soul that I would never be free!

Pelican

I have had some vivid dreams that leave me feeling exhausted. I try to find the underlying emotion and identify the fear that brings it to the surface. (for me it is control, that is why I awaken exhausted)

You said your dreams are emotional. It sounds a bit like you are doubting yourself. I try to use a simple positive affirmation to clear my mind of self-doubt. Simply repeat: "I approve of me" over and over. If you're like me, you may have beaten yourself up repeatedly over something you said or did or didn't do. Like: why did I say that, what will they think, etc...

So, go ahead and repeat "I approve of me" about a zillion times to make up for the self floggings!

ellima01

I had night terrors as a kid- every since AH left and even now that he is back they continue- not as much - but I still have them

gowest

I heard the same thing from my therapist as well.

It is very disconcerting to dream about people who in your waking hours you are trying to forget etc.

I had many dreams about exabf right after the relationship ended but have not had them recently. I will also say that while I till think about him it is in general from a healthier place -- more distant and as a part of my "past".

So maybe the dreaming works.

I do remember how incredibly frustrating it was at the time.

luciddreamrgrl

I'm only about 2 weeks into my no contact with my XABF. I still have bad dreams about him EVERY night! Most of the time they are about him being with other women. I had one dream that I was pregnant and and he committed suicide. In almost all my dreams, he looks terrible. He's grown a beard and has long hair and is drunk. I have yet to have a good dream about him.

Kassie2

I used to have those dreams everytime my AH and I went through a bad time, and then tried to reconcile. It seemed the more I trusted him and thought things were getting better, the stronger the dreams were. I brought it up with my therapist who said they were reminders or warnings of what went wrong and gives me a chance to integrate present experience.

The real test came recently when RAH got sober. I noticed the dreams were less often and less intense. When I thought about the content, I can say that the dreams help me to see the truth of the situation in the present - either I am seeing things improving or not.

steve11694

I had those dreams also. My aw was the best person i ever knew and alcoholism developed after a few years of a normal happy life. My dreams were about losing her. I recall one that repeated; I was at the edge of the universe, total darkness, deep outer space, opened a door to more total darkness, infinite space and darkness, screaming her name.

Alcohol stole our life together and stole her soul.

loobylue

I have a recurring dream that i've had since being young that involves being given an animal or pet to take care of (it can be anything from a tortoise to a Lion) but I totally forget I have it and when I remember I find it close to death and I wake up in a blind panic, I have been thinking about that dream a lot lately.

steve11694

Sometimes when I reflect on seeing a lovely person destroying herself I am able to remember the nice times before drinking took over.

Sometimes I actually hope that I do dream about being together with the person that used to be.

It took more pain and suffering than I ever imagined possible to reach the point I am at now; compassionate but realize I have zero control and zero ability to make her get sober.

A more recent dream is finding her on a park bench crying hysterically wanting to stop drinking.

Boogs

I regularly dream about my ex, I am often intimate with him in the dreams and have woken up crying on more than one occasion. I have had 2 dreams during the last month that have stayed with me.

In the first one I turn up for counselling and my counsellor tells me we have to go somewhere else for it. We got to a pub which is owned by an ex from years agos parents and the staff behind the bar are 2 friends from years ago. All of these people were from a very difficult time in my life when I put a lot of defensive barriers up (barriers which I only let down when I met my alcoholic ex - what great judgement I have). My counsellor said why do these peoples opinions matter to you and I realised that they didn't. It was interesting that I took him to meet people from a time when I felt vulnerable.

Last weekend I dreamt that I spent one last night with my ex. We were very close and intimate and half way through he kind of became faceless. By the next day I was with the new faceless guy and I crashed a big truck and the faceless guy told the police it was him and protected me. My counsellor told me that the faceless guy was me, the truck was my life and the crash was the counselling that was forcing me to face up to my past. He said that the 'faceless' me showed me how far I had become and was able to rescue and look after myself.

I don't know how much truth is in this but I do believe that quite often dreams are your subconsicous working through things for you.

TakingCharge999

Yes, dreams and nightmares are ways to process information, they are natural after traumatic events........ although it sucks when you wake up and you did not rest at all. But then I am starting to realize the only time I will truly rest will be when my time comes...

I have had nightmares almost daily, very vivid ones, the good thing is that slowly as I work through the emotions they start fading...