I Feel So Alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 8
I Feel So Alone
My husband is an alcoholic. I would probably leave him but we have a 10 month old daughter. I feel like a total failure as a mother since I should never have had children with this man. 1.5 years ago, I didn't realize how bad the problem was. I thought he could control it. It became apparent when I was 39 weeks pregnant and he did got totally messed up that he had a real problem. He is a binge drinker, so weeks or even months can go by where we are both convinced that he will be fine and that it won't happen again and then he will drink and then go out and do substances, spending sometimes hundreds of dollars and being out all night while I desperately hope that he is okay. He agrees that he has a problem and I've begged him to get help but he refuses, he thinks he can deal with it on his own. I've realized now that he can't and all that I can do is try to alleviate the damage that it causes our family. I've arranged things so that he has no access to my bank accounts anymore and can no longer steal hundreds of dollars to support his habit. I would leave him but I need his help in caring for our daughter and I know that her life is happier with him there, at the moment anyway. The really difficult thing is that we've just moved to the east coast of canada form the westcoast a few months ago. All of my friends and family are very far away. Right now, he cares for our daughter during the day while I am articling (fullfilling work requirements to become a canadian lawyer). I am terrified that one day I will discover that he is drinking while caring for her. I have no other source of childcare over here and could not afford a childcare spot if I could even find one. I'm stressed out and tired, but most of all, angry. I feel like our relationship is over, though I don't think he realizes this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Hugs to you, Kara.
A failure is not making mistakes, but in failing to learn and change from them.
You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and your child's whole life. You can make good decisions on how to make the most of both lives.
Welcome to SR! Read around a lot, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum topics. You will learn you are most definitely NOT "alone" - many, many, many women have been where you are. Some are still there, others have made choices to make a different sort of life for them self and their children.
Keep coming back, asking questions, and learning more each day, to help you make good decisions.
You have the power to make things get better! Little steps, one day at a time.
CLMI
A failure is not making mistakes, but in failing to learn and change from them.
You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and your child's whole life. You can make good decisions on how to make the most of both lives.
Welcome to SR! Read around a lot, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum topics. You will learn you are most definitely NOT "alone" - many, many, many women have been where you are. Some are still there, others have made choices to make a different sort of life for them self and their children.
Keep coming back, asking questions, and learning more each day, to help you make good decisions.
You have the power to make things get better! Little steps, one day at a time.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Maine
Posts: 43
Kara,
Just wanted to say welcome. Things are slow on the weekends here, but there is a ton of great information, especially at the top of the forum in the "stickies" posts, which are kind of like a "best of" section.
I know more people will be along to welcome you and chime in with their experience and wisdom... in the meantime, please know that you are not alone and that you have a place here.
Best,
at2
Just wanted to say welcome. Things are slow on the weekends here, but there is a ton of great information, especially at the top of the forum in the "stickies" posts, which are kind of like a "best of" section.
I know more people will be along to welcome you and chime in with their experience and wisdom... in the meantime, please know that you are not alone and that you have a place here.
Best,
at2
Su**endering...
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 102
:ghug3
Glad you found this place, Kara. Lots of us know what you're going through all too well. Reaching out for help is a great first step!
I can only add that you can get through this, one step...one day...one moment at a time.
Glad you found this place, Kara. Lots of us know what you're going through all too well. Reaching out for help is a great first step!
I can only add that you can get through this, one step...one day...one moment at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
Kara, Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
There is always a way if you choose to actively look for it. I don't know much about canada, but do they have child care vouchers for single parents there? Some kind of government assistance? Do they have programs similar to the US that utilizes parks and recs? There are so many options, you just have to look for them. If all else fails, can you move back to where your family is?
You have to make you and your child happy. This is most important. It sounds to me that you've decided that your relationship is over. It's no way to live. Trust me, I lived in a loveless marriage for 5 years. Once we split, we were amicable and things were much better.
You are not a failure. This was simply a learning experience. You are making decisions that are best for your child. If it weren't for your AH, she would not be here. I think someone on here said, you have the best of him in HER. Don't let go of that.
Keep coming back. We will give you all the advice that you need.
Light and Love,
Sarah
There is always a way if you choose to actively look for it. I don't know much about canada, but do they have child care vouchers for single parents there? Some kind of government assistance? Do they have programs similar to the US that utilizes parks and recs? There are so many options, you just have to look for them. If all else fails, can you move back to where your family is?
You have to make you and your child happy. This is most important. It sounds to me that you've decided that your relationship is over. It's no way to live. Trust me, I lived in a loveless marriage for 5 years. Once we split, we were amicable and things were much better.
You are not a failure. This was simply a learning experience. You are making decisions that are best for your child. If it weren't for your AH, she would not be here. I think someone on here said, you have the best of him in HER. Don't let go of that.
Keep coming back. We will give you all the advice that you need.
Light and Love,
Sarah
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Kara,
Wishing you love and light from Australia.
Hang on in there and listen to all the great advice and support you will get from SR.
You've taken a great step by finding this forum.
Take care of yourself and your little one,
Hugs,
The Faerie with Torn Wings
Wishing you love and light from Australia.
Hang on in there and listen to all the great advice and support you will get from SR.
You've taken a great step by finding this forum.
Take care of yourself and your little one,
Hugs,
The Faerie with Torn Wings
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tormented Space
Posts: 13
Kara thats terrible. Do what you feel is right for you and your child. If you think there is danger then do what you can to protect your child and you. I know it can seem like things are better but if they go south have an exit strategy planned to protect yourself. Perhaps we can't save anyone else, but by falling they can learn from their mistakes.
-DM
-DM
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi kara-
it's quite common to not recognize the extent of the problem. i surely didn't for the first three years.
your situation does not sound as if it's workable. how long do you think you can be with your husband if you think the marriage is over? can you continue to go thru the days wondering if your child is safe in his care? you're going to wear yourself out in this manner.
if it was me, i'd insist on breathalyzing him if he was caring for my daughter, in the morning and then when i returned. if he doesn't agree to this, then i'd move back to my family and move in with them. of course, if he does substances also, then this isn't fail safe.
your daughter (and you) are too precious. him stealing your money is one thing, but to worry that she is safe all the time is going to split you in two.
one of the slogans in AA is first things first. in my opinion, your daughter's safety is the first thing.
it's quite common to not recognize the extent of the problem. i surely didn't for the first three years.
your situation does not sound as if it's workable. how long do you think you can be with your husband if you think the marriage is over? can you continue to go thru the days wondering if your child is safe in his care? you're going to wear yourself out in this manner.
if it was me, i'd insist on breathalyzing him if he was caring for my daughter, in the morning and then when i returned. if he doesn't agree to this, then i'd move back to my family and move in with them. of course, if he does substances also, then this isn't fail safe.
your daughter (and you) are too precious. him stealing your money is one thing, but to worry that she is safe all the time is going to split you in two.
one of the slogans in AA is first things first. in my opinion, your daughter's safety is the first thing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Why do you feel like this is the best thing for your daughter at the moment? Because her father is around? Him drinking around her to me is far worse than not being there at all. Someone suggested to read the board of "adult children of alcoholics". Go there and see what growing up with an alcoholic parent does to a child.
Keep reading and posting here. I also have a baby and felt stuck. I don't anymore. No, life isn't rosey and fun, but its a heck of alot better than it was.
Take care.
Keep reading and posting here. I also have a baby and felt stuck. I don't anymore. No, life isn't rosey and fun, but its a heck of alot better than it was.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Hello and welcome. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulty. I'm also quite new to this board, and I could identify with a lot of your post, as I became aware of my partner's problem while I was still pregnant, and now have a 21 month old. I have been going to Al-Anon, and it helps a lot. Especially with feeling alone as you describe. It's so hard when you have a little one and feel dependent on having some support and help - I have no family around and no reliable friends who could take care of my son on any regular basis....recipe for burnout if I never have a break, so I hear you on that one. But through Al-Anon I've actually met people who have helped from time to time.
I'm also struggling with accepting that it will be better to leave than stay, but have finally come to that conclusion and am making my escape plan to leave within 2 1/2 months. Please keep coming, people have a lot of useful ideas on here!
I'm also struggling with accepting that it will be better to leave than stay, but have finally come to that conclusion and am making my escape plan to leave within 2 1/2 months. Please keep coming, people have a lot of useful ideas on here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. The police brought him home on Saturday night because he was asking the wrong people for drugs. It is the first time police brought him, so he is very receptive to getting help at this point, so I think there is a real possibility that he might actually get help and that things will be different. However, I have learned that this seems to be part of a recurring cycle. I have been trying to convince him to get help for over a year, though he seems much closer to it than he has before. I am going to find us an AA meeting to go to tomorrow evening and arrange childcare so that I can go with him. I know that, for him, asking strangers for help is a big challenge. However, he says that he does not need counseling so I'm not sure if he will get enough help to prevent another "relapse".
So far, he has never drank around my daughter or while caring for her. Right now his absence during these episodes is the biggest problem (doing all the caring work while studying for the Bar Course is not working) so I don't see how his permanent absence would be helpful. I am mindful of the problems of growing up with an alcoholic parent, that is why I am committed to leaving if it becomes apparent that being with him is causing any harm to my daughter.
Moving back with my family in the West is not a great option as it would mean that I would have to start the articling process (a year long process) all over again as well as find an articling position somewhere which was hard enough the first time when there was no economic situation. There is funding available for childcare, the problem in Canada is finding spaces in the publicly subsidized care, typical waiting time for a baby space at a facility is about 2 years, your supposed to sign up when you get pregnant and then some people still can't find a space!
I think right now my strategy is to start access the available services as much as possible and try to just manage the problem best that I can. Since his episodes are approximately once a month, it should be enough to get us through the year, unless things take a turn for the worse that is. Rest assured that my daughter's safety and interests will always be my guiding principle here!
It's great to have found this community and your welcoming guidance! I'm off to make some phone calls to locate some local AA, Al-Anon groups and counsellors!
So far, he has never drank around my daughter or while caring for her. Right now his absence during these episodes is the biggest problem (doing all the caring work while studying for the Bar Course is not working) so I don't see how his permanent absence would be helpful. I am mindful of the problems of growing up with an alcoholic parent, that is why I am committed to leaving if it becomes apparent that being with him is causing any harm to my daughter.
Moving back with my family in the West is not a great option as it would mean that I would have to start the articling process (a year long process) all over again as well as find an articling position somewhere which was hard enough the first time when there was no economic situation. There is funding available for childcare, the problem in Canada is finding spaces in the publicly subsidized care, typical waiting time for a baby space at a facility is about 2 years, your supposed to sign up when you get pregnant and then some people still can't find a space!
I think right now my strategy is to start access the available services as much as possible and try to just manage the problem best that I can. Since his episodes are approximately once a month, it should be enough to get us through the year, unless things take a turn for the worse that is. Rest assured that my daughter's safety and interests will always be my guiding principle here!
It's great to have found this community and your welcoming guidance! I'm off to make some phone calls to locate some local AA, Al-Anon groups and counsellors!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by KaraT 
I am going to find us an AA meeting to go to tomorrow evening and arrange childcare so that I can go with him. I know that, for him, asking strangers for help is a big challenge. However, he says that he does not need counseling so I'm not sure if he will get enough help to prevent another "relapse".
Your daughter's safety is at risk. What if something happens, can you live with that? Are you 100% sure he is not drinking when he is caring for her? Short of a pee test, or antabuse administered under the watchful eye of a treatment center, I'd not be so trusting. Maybe time to give that man the ultimatum? Get help or get OUT.
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