Is she crazy or is it me?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Is she crazy or is it me?
My fiance has been in recovery and sober for 6 years now. We have dated off and on for over 17 years now. We hadn't seen each other or spoken for slightly over 5 years when our paths crossed yet again and by that time she had been sober and actively attending AA for 5 years and doing incredibly well. It was a dream come true! She was everything that I always knew she was without the hurtful behavior.
We moved in together and that is when the trouble began. It turned out that I have a disorder that I have lived with all of my life undiagnosed called ADHD. The short version is I have a tendency to space out, be inattentive and have built a staggering list of negative coping mechanisms. When we discovered this I immediately got a professional diagnosis and began treatment including therapy, medication and have been regularly going to Al-Anon.
At first she was ecstatic that we found this and were on our way to improving our relationship. That did not last long at all. As the weeks went by I could not do anything right or good enough in her eyes. I am not saying that I did everything right but for the past month and a half she has been telling me that I, "just don't get it because my disorder prevents me from feeling empathy" and I have been buying into it allowing myself to feel guilt and shame because of the way "I made her feel".
She has been allowing herself to hide behind this incoherent wall of anger, resentment and hate for the past month or so, keeps picking fights with me about the same thing over and over and blaming me for it. When she tells me what she "needs" from me no mater what I do to meet expectations it's never good enough. She has been storming around the house like a child that isn't getting her way and finding anything and everything she can to justify her unjustifiable behavior. She has been projecting all kinds of stuff on me from the books and message boards taking things that others have written that have some similarities but much worse and telling me that I am EXACTALY the same. Then wondering why I'm taking offence to her calling me a liar and telling me that everything she reads said that I'm never going to change etc.
Last night when I came home I was so tired I could barely see straight after working a 60hr week and all I wanted to do was go to sleep and enjoy my one day I get to sleep in. She left a note on my bed after not speaking to me for two days that said, "Find another place to live, it's over.".
needles to say sleep did not come easy and I could not maintain it.
Right now I am coming to the conclusion that the reason I "don't understand" is because I cant. Not because of my disorder but because she doesn't "get it" herself.
I feel she has been trying desperately to control the situation, my recovery, my actions etc and has not bothered to look inward to find the root of the problem. I love her with all my heart and I would do anything to make her happy but I am done accepting all of the blame and allowing her to do this to me. In hind sight she kept telling me that no matter how angry and resentful she gets she couldn't bring herself to end it. I think that was because the person that I moved in with was buried deep inside but not deep enough to not be heard. I also think that she has subconchesly been burying that person so she doesn't have to face her right now.
I guess I'm looking for thoughts on my situation. She is still sober and just had her 6 year anniversary but is constantly saying how much I "Make her want to drink". I know that's BS but I want to know if anyone else has dealt with something similar.
We moved in together and that is when the trouble began. It turned out that I have a disorder that I have lived with all of my life undiagnosed called ADHD. The short version is I have a tendency to space out, be inattentive and have built a staggering list of negative coping mechanisms. When we discovered this I immediately got a professional diagnosis and began treatment including therapy, medication and have been regularly going to Al-Anon.
At first she was ecstatic that we found this and were on our way to improving our relationship. That did not last long at all. As the weeks went by I could not do anything right or good enough in her eyes. I am not saying that I did everything right but for the past month and a half she has been telling me that I, "just don't get it because my disorder prevents me from feeling empathy" and I have been buying into it allowing myself to feel guilt and shame because of the way "I made her feel".
She has been allowing herself to hide behind this incoherent wall of anger, resentment and hate for the past month or so, keeps picking fights with me about the same thing over and over and blaming me for it. When she tells me what she "needs" from me no mater what I do to meet expectations it's never good enough. She has been storming around the house like a child that isn't getting her way and finding anything and everything she can to justify her unjustifiable behavior. She has been projecting all kinds of stuff on me from the books and message boards taking things that others have written that have some similarities but much worse and telling me that I am EXACTALY the same. Then wondering why I'm taking offence to her calling me a liar and telling me that everything she reads said that I'm never going to change etc.
Last night when I came home I was so tired I could barely see straight after working a 60hr week and all I wanted to do was go to sleep and enjoy my one day I get to sleep in. She left a note on my bed after not speaking to me for two days that said, "Find another place to live, it's over.".
needles to say sleep did not come easy and I could not maintain it.Right now I am coming to the conclusion that the reason I "don't understand" is because I cant. Not because of my disorder but because she doesn't "get it" herself.
I feel she has been trying desperately to control the situation, my recovery, my actions etc and has not bothered to look inward to find the root of the problem. I love her with all my heart and I would do anything to make her happy but I am done accepting all of the blame and allowing her to do this to me. In hind sight she kept telling me that no matter how angry and resentful she gets she couldn't bring herself to end it. I think that was because the person that I moved in with was buried deep inside but not deep enough to not be heard. I also think that she has subconchesly been burying that person so she doesn't have to face her right now.
I guess I'm looking for thoughts on my situation. She is still sober and just had her 6 year anniversary but is constantly saying how much I "Make her want to drink". I know that's BS but I want to know if anyone else has dealt with something similar.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
One thing you haven't mentioned is if anyone ELSE in your life has had this level of difficulties with you "due to your issues" i.e., the ADHD. Look for overall patterns. It sounds as if this wasn't so prominent with anyone ELSE in your life. Unless this set of issues had plagued you AS A PATTERN with OTHER people close to you, then it doesn't sound right.
ON THE OTHER HAND, I hear a lot of her behaviors described by you that AS A PATTERN sound just like a dry drunk about to explode. That AS A PATTERN sound like anything but true recovery.
Food for thought.
Others will be along with their ES&H (experience, strength, and hope), but sometimes it's a bit slow on weekends, so be patient.
Welcome!
CLMI
ON THE OTHER HAND, I hear a lot of her behaviors described by you that AS A PATTERN sound just like a dry drunk about to explode. That AS A PATTERN sound like anything but true recovery.
Food for thought.
Others will be along with their ES&H (experience, strength, and hope), but sometimes it's a bit slow on weekends, so be patient.
Welcome!
CLMI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5
With friends and family I have not had these problems. I have had some difficulty at work over the years but have never had a hard time keeping a job. The inattentive side that has improved greatly with counseling and medication has been my issue.
I did have a slightly similar problem with a woman I dated a few years ago. She was a few years older than me and made about 60 thousand a year more than I did in the medical field. At the time I was following my passion (music) working for a pipe organ builder. I loved that job but when she found out what I made a year she suddenly had a change of heart and told me that I was a loser, didn't think I took care of myself, had no direction blah blah blah.
In 33 years that is the only comparable situation.
Thank you for your response.
I did have a slightly similar problem with a woman I dated a few years ago. She was a few years older than me and made about 60 thousand a year more than I did in the medical field. At the time I was following my passion (music) working for a pipe organ builder. I loved that job but when she found out what I made a year she suddenly had a change of heart and told me that I was a loser, didn't think I took care of myself, had no direction blah blah blah.
In 33 years that is the only comparable situation.
Thank you for your response.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well, do you feel empathy for other people? that's what she is accusing you of lacking.
do you consider yourself a compassionate person?
the incident with the other woman sounds very different...that sounds about money and position which is different than lacking empathy for others.
i don't feel that giving someone the cold shoulder for two days is effective way of communicating.
perhaps best to comply with her wishes and find another place to live. you could always test the waters with her from the peace of your own apartment, no?
do you consider yourself a compassionate person?
the incident with the other woman sounds very different...that sounds about money and position which is different than lacking empathy for others.
i don't feel that giving someone the cold shoulder for two days is effective way of communicating.
perhaps best to comply with her wishes and find another place to live. you could always test the waters with her from the peace of your own apartment, no?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
IMHO, it almost sounds like she is jealous. For a long time, her addiction and related issues were the focus of all the recovery efforts in the relationship. Now, you have an illness that is just as real as hers was, and maybe she is resentful.
My mother was a professional medical martyr - although she did have some real and serious medical issues over the years, she made sure that everyone knew that each day could be her last. She always just wanted to end it all, and wished she could die. This pretty much started when I was 13, and now I am 37. She is in her 80s, so I guess she underestimated things.
The reason I bring this up is because all through my growing up years and even now, no matter what I may be going through she is going through worse. ALWAYS. She called me the other day, not so much as a "hello" to say, "Well, I am bleeding from my colon. Probably won't be long now. I just thought I should tell you". I was always made to feel guilty as a child when my petty childhood illnesses took up more of my concern than her obviously serious and FATAL, FATAL I tell you issues. Hearing how your girlfriend is reacting to your ADHD discovery reminds me so much of that.
BTW, my daughter (9) has ADHD too, and it is tough. Especially since at this age, she is just now starting to recognize what that means and how it makes her different. She lacks to ability to think about how her brain works and to compensate for it the way adults (for example, adults in recovery) may be able to do.
Just my thoughts.
My mother was a professional medical martyr - although she did have some real and serious medical issues over the years, she made sure that everyone knew that each day could be her last. She always just wanted to end it all, and wished she could die. This pretty much started when I was 13, and now I am 37. She is in her 80s, so I guess she underestimated things.
The reason I bring this up is because all through my growing up years and even now, no matter what I may be going through she is going through worse. ALWAYS. She called me the other day, not so much as a "hello" to say, "Well, I am bleeding from my colon. Probably won't be long now. I just thought I should tell you". I was always made to feel guilty as a child when my petty childhood illnesses took up more of my concern than her obviously serious and FATAL, FATAL I tell you issues. Hearing how your girlfriend is reacting to your ADHD discovery reminds me so much of that.
BTW, my daughter (9) has ADHD too, and it is tough. Especially since at this age, she is just now starting to recognize what that means and how it makes her different. She lacks to ability to think about how her brain works and to compensate for it the way adults (for example, adults in recovery) may be able to do.
Just my thoughts.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5
For me the hard part is that no mater how much forward progress I make with this thing and trying to unlearn negative behavior she keeps projecting things and twisting my words and then telling me that that's what I'm doing.
I know that she is not this person, she has not shown this kind of behavior in many years. I think she is just so lost in her resentments and anger that she can't see what's going on. She told me a week ago when she was speaking to me that she realized she has been holding resentments against me from 6 months ago and doesn't know how to let go of them. I also think that she is letting herself feel them so she can justify running from a situation that she doesn't know how to handle.
I KNOW I am not this person she said I am and I know that underneath all of this she does to. I am just praying that she realizes it before she takes it to far.
I did go to an Al-Anon meeting last night and feel a lot better about how I handled things after talking with others about it.
I know that she is not this person, she has not shown this kind of behavior in many years. I think she is just so lost in her resentments and anger that she can't see what's going on. She told me a week ago when she was speaking to me that she realized she has been holding resentments against me from 6 months ago and doesn't know how to let go of them. I also think that she is letting herself feel them so she can justify running from a situation that she doesn't know how to handle.
I KNOW I am not this person she said I am and I know that underneath all of this she does to. I am just praying that she realizes it before she takes it to far.
I did go to an Al-Anon meeting last night and feel a lot better about how I handled things after talking with others about it.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Either she doesn't "get it" and is acting out because of that, or she does "get it" and is acting out anyway.
Either way, if she chooses to believe it's all you, there isn't a thing on this earth that will make her change her mind, except herself.
None of us deserve to be treated in a hateful manner, especially from our "loved ones".
Either way, if she chooses to believe it's all you, there isn't a thing on this earth that will make her change her mind, except herself.
None of us deserve to be treated in a hateful manner, especially from our "loved ones".
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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So last week I called my old landlord and somehow through the grace of God my old apartment was available. It has sat vacant since October when I left and the nails were still in the walls where my pictures etc once hung.
Yesterday was the move and thankfully everything went very smoothly and I am almost settled a day and a half later. It made it a lot easier already knowing where to put everything. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
On Thursday I was at an Al-Anon meeting and someone started talking about co-dependency issues he was having with his wife and I heard so many bells ringing I got an adrenaline rush. I talked to him for about an hour after the meeting and told him my story and he showed me the book, "Co dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Jessica's Story in the front of the book had a lot of similarities to an average day in my relationship. When I went through the characteristics I freaked out. I find myself really wishing I had found this book sooner but I also think that she is so deep in denial that it wouldn't have mattered.
I'm wondering how this could have happened. Is this a common behavior pattern for someone in recovery that had an AH parent? It would absolutely explain her extreme reactions to a lot of standard things. She would constantly tell me that I was slipping and my ADHD was out of control when I was doing exactly the same thing I was doing a week before that she thought was great. She would tell me that I couldn't see it and how alone and hopeless it made her feel.
Yesterday was the move and thankfully everything went very smoothly and I am almost settled a day and a half later. It made it a lot easier already knowing where to put everything. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
On Thursday I was at an Al-Anon meeting and someone started talking about co-dependency issues he was having with his wife and I heard so many bells ringing I got an adrenaline rush. I talked to him for about an hour after the meeting and told him my story and he showed me the book, "Co dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Jessica's Story in the front of the book had a lot of similarities to an average day in my relationship. When I went through the characteristics I freaked out. I find myself really wishing I had found this book sooner but I also think that she is so deep in denial that it wouldn't have mattered.
I'm wondering how this could have happened. Is this a common behavior pattern for someone in recovery that had an AH parent? It would absolutely explain her extreme reactions to a lot of standard things. She would constantly tell me that I was slipping and my ADHD was out of control when I was doing exactly the same thing I was doing a week before that she thought was great. She would tell me that I couldn't see it and how alone and hopeless it made her feel.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
I read that book as well and found myself in so many of the pages. I do think that you said she is so lost in her resentment and anger that she can't see things clearly. The anger and self-absorption get in the way of real relationships.
Melody Beattie has written other books since that first one. They might be a good follow-up for you now that you are physically away from your girlfriend.
Good thoughts this week and be good to yourself.
Melody Beattie has written other books since that first one. They might be a good follow-up for you now that you are physically away from your girlfriend.
Good thoughts this week and be good to yourself.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi DTD,
It looks like your HP was watching over you. Your old apartment was still available when you needed a place to move. Your HP has provided you with a sanctuary to further your own recovery work. Be grateful. It is difficult to work our own program while in a relationship with someone who is constantly taking our personal inventory for us. That's what it sounds like was happening in your relationship.
It sounds like you were being accused of holding your eyelids wrong while sleeping!
You asked is there is a pattern of codies that were addicts. I can't quote any scientific facts. But based on the membership here at Friends and Family, I would say absolutely!
Hi, I'm known as Pelican here at SR and I am a recovering alcoholic. I am also a recovering codie. I attend Al Anon meetings, some AA meetings, read self-help books and hang out here frequently. We consider ourselves (addicts with codie tendancies) to be double winners. We have accepted our addiction and taken action to recover, and we have accepted our codie ways and taken action to recover.
I have meet several double winners in Al Anon meetings. We do not promote our alcoholism(or other addictions) in meetings because we are there to focus on our recovery from co-dependancy and life with a fellow addict. It is an Al Anon statement that we do not discuss other 12 step programs during the meeting. I have also met people in Al Anon that were the alcoholic and not involved with another addict, but felt they needed more than the 12 steps of AA provided.
There are some members here that are more experienced and wiser than I and they can explain the co-relation between the two addiction/codependance. For me personally, I always needed to feel like I was in control in a relationship. I always needed to be right. I knew what was best for everyone. This lead me to being the martyr of the relationship. I was alway doing for others and giving of myself for their well-being. Then I became the victim of the relationship. I was not being appreciated for all my efforts. I was being used and abused. Somehow this got tangled into my then social drinking, which progressed into addiction. If my needs weren't being met, I could drown them and not hurt as bad.
I am so thankful for my awakening! I don't ever have to live like that again!
As an addict/codie, I am concerned about your fiance's behavior. It shows codie patterns, but it also shows signs of relapse. This is not my problem to fix, nor is it yours! We keep the focus on our own recovery and allow others to work on their own recovery at their own pace.
I'm glad you are here. Keep us posted on your progress!:ghug3
It looks like your HP was watching over you. Your old apartment was still available when you needed a place to move. Your HP has provided you with a sanctuary to further your own recovery work. Be grateful. It is difficult to work our own program while in a relationship with someone who is constantly taking our personal inventory for us. That's what it sounds like was happening in your relationship.
It sounds like you were being accused of holding your eyelids wrong while sleeping!
You asked is there is a pattern of codies that were addicts. I can't quote any scientific facts. But based on the membership here at Friends and Family, I would say absolutely!
Hi, I'm known as Pelican here at SR and I am a recovering alcoholic. I am also a recovering codie. I attend Al Anon meetings, some AA meetings, read self-help books and hang out here frequently. We consider ourselves (addicts with codie tendancies) to be double winners. We have accepted our addiction and taken action to recover, and we have accepted our codie ways and taken action to recover.
I have meet several double winners in Al Anon meetings. We do not promote our alcoholism(or other addictions) in meetings because we are there to focus on our recovery from co-dependancy and life with a fellow addict. It is an Al Anon statement that we do not discuss other 12 step programs during the meeting. I have also met people in Al Anon that were the alcoholic and not involved with another addict, but felt they needed more than the 12 steps of AA provided.
There are some members here that are more experienced and wiser than I and they can explain the co-relation between the two addiction/codependance. For me personally, I always needed to feel like I was in control in a relationship. I always needed to be right. I knew what was best for everyone. This lead me to being the martyr of the relationship. I was alway doing for others and giving of myself for their well-being. Then I became the victim of the relationship. I was not being appreciated for all my efforts. I was being used and abused. Somehow this got tangled into my then social drinking, which progressed into addiction. If my needs weren't being met, I could drown them and not hurt as bad.
I am so thankful for my awakening! I don't ever have to live like that again!
As an addict/codie, I am concerned about your fiance's behavior. It shows codie patterns, but it also shows signs of relapse. This is not my problem to fix, nor is it yours! We keep the focus on our own recovery and allow others to work on their own recovery at their own pace.
I'm glad you are here. Keep us posted on your progress!:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 187
Women.....Can't live with them, can't live without them. Some of them have "snakes in their heads", and trying to figure them out will make you go crazy. Lord knows, I've tried. That's why I am going to see a psychologist now.......
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Hello D to D,
At some point we are all crazy. I guess the question you are asking is are you ok? You sound OK to me. You are working a program, taking action, getting counseling, attending Alnon, overall taking care of yourself. You sound pretty darn good to me, over time you will be even better if you keep working at it.
Amazing that your HP had your old apartment ready for you. You must feel so cared for by your HP.
I don't know about your girlfriend, it sounds like she has some issues that need to be addressed. And do we ever really know why a relationship doesn't work out?
Focus on you, your life, your goals etc, the rest will come in its good time. Hang in there, life is about to get better.
At some point we are all crazy. I guess the question you are asking is are you ok? You sound OK to me. You are working a program, taking action, getting counseling, attending Alnon, overall taking care of yourself. You sound pretty darn good to me, over time you will be even better if you keep working at it.
Amazing that your HP had your old apartment ready for you. You must feel so cared for by your HP.
I don't know about your girlfriend, it sounds like she has some issues that need to be addressed. And do we ever really know why a relationship doesn't work out?
Focus on you, your life, your goals etc, the rest will come in its good time. Hang in there, life is about to get better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Brace yourself, Waterman!
You may find out the snakes were in your head
You may find out the snakes were in your head
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5
The thing about holding my eye lids wrong wile sleeping is funny because she did always go on about my sleep habits. I almost went in for a sleep study at one point.
The way I see it is that I do need to concentrate on myself right now and make sure my needs are meet. Through this whole thing since October I have gone from 185 pounds down to 150. Part of it is the stimulants, I stopped drinking beer and eating fast food, but the over all stress of the situation I think is the reason for the drastic loss.
My HP absolutely took amazing care of me as far as my apartment and the amount of love, support and help I have gotten from all around. On monday I sent text messages out looking for help with the move and I had friends and family all week helping me pack. I had 8 guys show up to help me move on saturday and the whole thing took about 4 hours. It was incredible! I kept thinking I must be doing something right that so many people would come rushing to my aid.
I have also decided that no contact will be initiated by me. Of course the temptation is overwhelming but I figure that there is no immediate good that can possibly come from it. I also figure that with the mess she has made that the best thing to do is to leave her alone to deal with the situation she has created. I tried to stop her and could not so I made sure I protected myself from the remainder of the lease that she can not afford on her own.
Its going well right now but I am mentally, emotionally and physically burnt.
The way I see it is that I do need to concentrate on myself right now and make sure my needs are meet. Through this whole thing since October I have gone from 185 pounds down to 150. Part of it is the stimulants, I stopped drinking beer and eating fast food, but the over all stress of the situation I think is the reason for the drastic loss.
My HP absolutely took amazing care of me as far as my apartment and the amount of love, support and help I have gotten from all around. On monday I sent text messages out looking for help with the move and I had friends and family all week helping me pack. I had 8 guys show up to help me move on saturday and the whole thing took about 4 hours. It was incredible! I kept thinking I must be doing something right that so many people would come rushing to my aid.
I have also decided that no contact will be initiated by me. Of course the temptation is overwhelming but I figure that there is no immediate good that can possibly come from it. I also figure that with the mess she has made that the best thing to do is to leave her alone to deal with the situation she has created. I tried to stop her and could not so I made sure I protected myself from the remainder of the lease that she can not afford on her own.
Its going well right now but I am mentally, emotionally and physically burnt.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for checking in DTD!
I'm impressed with your HP making the way for you this past weekend! That's an amazing story.
I lost weight without trying when I was going through grieving the loss of my relationship with my husband. Someone once said "you know you are doing the grief thing right if you are loosing weight"
The best advice I received about the grieving process was to let it happen. Let it all happen. I was also encouraged to get help if I found myself stuck in the grief mood. I thought that was sad but funny, because I sure didn't want to get stuck in the grief mood when I had anger, loneliness, and fear just waiting to happen!
It's okay to have all of those feelings. Let yourself feel. These are your real feelings.
I hope you will begin to feel rested and some relief in the coming days!
I'm impressed with your HP making the way for you this past weekend! That's an amazing story.
I lost weight without trying when I was going through grieving the loss of my relationship with my husband. Someone once said "you know you are doing the grief thing right if you are loosing weight"
The best advice I received about the grieving process was to let it happen. Let it all happen. I was also encouraged to get help if I found myself stuck in the grief mood. I thought that was sad but funny, because I sure didn't want to get stuck in the grief mood when I had anger, loneliness, and fear just waiting to happen!
It's okay to have all of those feelings. Let yourself feel. These are your real feelings.
I hope you will begin to feel rested and some relief in the coming days!
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