im a newbie and could use some advise
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im a newbie and could use some advise
Hello everyone..newbie here. I have been lurking on this site for the last couple of months and this is my first time to post. I have read and read thru the forums and haven't stumbled onto anything relating my current issue. Please forgive me if it has been covered...but I can't find it! lol!!
Anyway, me and my AH are currently separated. I moved me and my two teenage daughters out of the house back in '06. We moved back in 9 months later because I was promised he would stop and everything would be better. Well, you all know the outcome of that without me having to go into it. Ironically, that little episode only lasted 9 months and this time he left. That was in February '08. He has been gone from the house ever since. From what I have been reading, he is a functioning alcoholic . He's had the same job for 10 years, pays all his own bills, has good credit, ect. My problem with his drinking is that he is verbally and emotionally abusive. And the drunker he is, the worse the abuse is. We kept trying to "work" thru this and of course, it kept failing. Mainly, I believe, because of his denial.
Ok, 2 months ago I told him that I was finished, and I meant it. He finally admitted that he "could" have a drinking problem and promised to stop. I told him that he would have to prove it because I was tired of believing his lies, but that it was all up to him as I was tired of him having control of my emotions. That being said...he has been sober for the last 2 months. He still isn't back at home, but we are working on our issues and trying to get our marriage back. I have to give him credit for working on his problem, however.....
Here's MY problem. After all the years of verbal/emotional abuse (btw I forgot to mention we have been together 15 years) I have sexually shut down. There is a HUGE wall that I cannot break down when it comes to having intimate relations with him. I have absolutely no interest in it at all. And I believe that it is because over the years I learned to ignore my emotions rather than dealing with them. He is doing well in his sobriety and I really want to WANT to be with him sexually. But, its just not there. Have any of you been thru this? I know its really starting to get to him and I want to fix it, but I don't know how. I have thought about going to therapy, but with this economic melt down we are having I can't afford it.
Any advise or words of encouragement would be appreciated...and please accept my apologies if this topic is inappropriate.
Anyway, me and my AH are currently separated. I moved me and my two teenage daughters out of the house back in '06. We moved back in 9 months later because I was promised he would stop and everything would be better. Well, you all know the outcome of that without me having to go into it. Ironically, that little episode only lasted 9 months and this time he left. That was in February '08. He has been gone from the house ever since. From what I have been reading, he is a functioning alcoholic . He's had the same job for 10 years, pays all his own bills, has good credit, ect. My problem with his drinking is that he is verbally and emotionally abusive. And the drunker he is, the worse the abuse is. We kept trying to "work" thru this and of course, it kept failing. Mainly, I believe, because of his denial.
Ok, 2 months ago I told him that I was finished, and I meant it. He finally admitted that he "could" have a drinking problem and promised to stop. I told him that he would have to prove it because I was tired of believing his lies, but that it was all up to him as I was tired of him having control of my emotions. That being said...he has been sober for the last 2 months. He still isn't back at home, but we are working on our issues and trying to get our marriage back. I have to give him credit for working on his problem, however.....
Here's MY problem. After all the years of verbal/emotional abuse (btw I forgot to mention we have been together 15 years) I have sexually shut down. There is a HUGE wall that I cannot break down when it comes to having intimate relations with him. I have absolutely no interest in it at all. And I believe that it is because over the years I learned to ignore my emotions rather than dealing with them. He is doing well in his sobriety and I really want to WANT to be with him sexually. But, its just not there. Have any of you been thru this? I know its really starting to get to him and I want to fix it, but I don't know how. I have thought about going to therapy, but with this economic melt down we are having I can't afford it.
Any advise or words of encouragement would be appreciated...and please accept my apologies if this topic is inappropriate.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Welcome to SR! I've never been intimate sexually with a man before, I wish I could give you some answers or advice but I have no experience in that area. lol I do remember the exact moment where kissing my ex not only ceased to bring me the sort of joy it used to, but gave me no feelings whatsoever. It was over for me at that point, I wasn't attracted to him anymore, but I stayed with him long after that. Honestly, I'm still not sure why. Your post reminded me of one I read not too long ago. Lots of good info in there while you wait for the others to arrive.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-intimacy.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-intimacy.html
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Thanks for the quick reply Crazy4Him, I did check out that thread. I'm not sure how you found it, but I am so thankful that you did! Very good information, and it made me feel alot better. Like, maybe I'm not so "frigid" after all...
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I don't think 2 months is a long time, to be honest. I think it might be good to just give it time. In my experience, however, a lack of interest in sex on my part always coincided with an emotional disconnect from my partner. In other words, it was usually a sign that it was time to go separate ways.
I don't think it's something that you should try to "fix," I rather believe that it's a natural and healthy occurrence for someone who has been abused and disappointed. If with time you feel like you can trust his sobriety and that there might be a relationship without drink and abuse, your desire to have sex with him might just come back. Or perhaps it won't and it's a sign that some relationships just can't - or shouldn't - be fixed.
I don't think it's something that you should try to "fix," I rather believe that it's a natural and healthy occurrence for someone who has been abused and disappointed. If with time you feel like you can trust his sobriety and that there might be a relationship without drink and abuse, your desire to have sex with him might just come back. Or perhaps it won't and it's a sign that some relationships just can't - or shouldn't - be fixed.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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thanks Kimmieh, I agree with you that 2 months isnt that long...especially after all the years this has been going on. And I was honestly starting to think the same thing about the emotional detaching as well. I was ok with taking the time to see if it can heal itself until last night. He and I were talking and he brought up the fact that we haven't been intimate in a really long time. As you stated...it is hard to find intimacy with someone that has abused and dissapointed. Now that I think about it, I think he was trying to give me a guilt trip, and obviously it worked. Well, no more. If its meant to be, it will happen. Thanks again for your reply...
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Hi, welcome to the forum! Everyone here is really helpful.
I can relate to what you're talking about. Prior to my rel'ship with my axbf, I was in a 1-yr rel'ship with someone who verbally and emotionally abused me. In the beginning I found him very attractive, but after a while of his constant browbeating, I couldn't have sex with him anymore without feeling repulsed. I ended up leaving the relationship.
Is your RAH verbally abusive when he's NOT drinking? Or did he only do that kind of thing while drunk?
I can relate to what you're talking about. Prior to my rel'ship with my axbf, I was in a 1-yr rel'ship with someone who verbally and emotionally abused me. In the beginning I found him very attractive, but after a while of his constant browbeating, I couldn't have sex with him anymore without feeling repulsed. I ended up leaving the relationship.
Is your RAH verbally abusive when he's NOT drinking? Or did he only do that kind of thing while drunk?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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sandrawg, this is my second marriage (the first one when we were both very young..right outta high school) and that is exactly how i knew the relationship was over...he repulsed me. My current marriage isn't to that point. I think I am just afraid that if I let down my guard and let him back in (no pun intended!) he is going to hurt me and let me down,yet again. I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can stand.
To answer your question, no he is not abusive when he is not drinking. When he is sober he is a very caring man. Part of me is just afraid that the damage has been done and that there is no chance of repair, which is what led me to post here. I would love to be able to know if it is possible to mend all of the hurt, and if not I need to start preparing myself to move on.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me and for welcoming me. I have already been helped alot by what I have read while lurking, but Lord knows I can ALWAYS use more help!! lol!
To answer your question, no he is not abusive when he is not drinking. When he is sober he is a very caring man. Part of me is just afraid that the damage has been done and that there is no chance of repair, which is what led me to post here. I would love to be able to know if it is possible to mend all of the hurt, and if not I need to start preparing myself to move on.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me and for welcoming me. I have already been helped alot by what I have read while lurking, but Lord knows I can ALWAYS use more help!! lol!
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