lost84

Can anyone relate or share expierences in being dumped or left by an addict/alchoholic bf? Where you gave ALL your love and support into the relationship & were left feeling worthless and heartbroken. I am struggling to get through this This site helps so much!

Elpis

Yes, I can definitely relate. I was dumped by an alcoholic/pain pill addict at the end of last year. There were times I felt worthless and like there must be something wrong with me. I thought I was a wonderful person with a lot going for me. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to be with me. Through therapy and many helpful posts I know he is incapable of loving me as he doesn't love himself. There are so many other helpful concepts I have learned. To quote another post "I am not palatable to a reject.". Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they are LOVED and RESPECTED. I hope you realize that. It hurts sometimes still but I know my life has a chance at real happiness now.

luciddreamrgrl

Even though I left my XABF, I still expected him to ask for me back when I did leave. He didn't. It's not exactly the same thing but was humiliating and depressing all the same. I understand what you are going through. The people here helped me to realize that it was a GOOD thing he didn't ask me back. What kind of future would I have had with him if he was still drinking? Things will get easier. I promise

TrainWreckAgain

From what I have learned, it is VERY common for the addict / alcoholic to seek out a new / different relationship. This seems to be especially true when the non-addict starts draw and enforce boundaries. The #1 focus in the life of an alcoholic is find a way to drink again.

When you start saying no, not providing funds, stop cleaining up their messes after them.... they will go seek weaker prey. They will look for someone new who will not tell them to stop drinking.

alwaysthinking2

lost84, I "bumped" a thread to the top of the forum for you - it's called "being rejected by the reject." It helped me a lot when I read it, I hope it helps you.

Best,

at2

goodbyelove

Ugh... pretty much yess... I asked him to give up alcohol/pot or lose me, he didn't choose me. The problem is they need so much from you, to help cope...it takes so much out of you, which is how a relationship goes, but then you don't get any of it back from them.. cause they can't put you ahead of their addiction... :-( It's so hard

sandrawg

I am reading MElody Beattie's book about codependency...it is so enlightening.

It's interesting-just as alcoholics act in "textbook", predictable, similar ways, so too do we codependents.

All of us have probably been through the cycle you've been through. Beattie refers ot it as the Karpman Drama Cycle. At first, we are rescuers. We caretake, whether we're asked to or not, and often times at the expense of our own well-being. Then we become perscuted...the reason being is that our rescuing implies that the rescu-ee is incompetent. So he/she lashes out, becomes resentful.

Well, of course, we then become resentful cuz, d*mnit, we did SO MUCH for you, how on earth can you not be grateful etc. Then we become the victims.

This cycle can go on forever until we learn to break our codependent habits.

Sounds ot me like you went through this and are now feeling victimized. Plus, your addict chose the drug over you--this is common until the addict gets out of their denial. Their goal is the drug at any cost, which means if you set boundaries or express intolerance of their using, they have NO CHOICE but to dump you if they're not ready to recover.

And no amount of cajoling, pressuring or ultimatums from you can make them recover. They could lose everything and still not get help.

They have to be ready and that is an individual thing. It has nothing to do with you.

I hope this is helpful. I have been where you are, as has so many others up here. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Be gentle with yourself.:ghug2

TakingCharge999

Hi lost, the trick is not to take it personal, I mean I see the friends my ex had when we went out and the friends he has now and its OBVIOUS alcohol is #1 and whoever has a problem is out.

Another great trick is to stop viewing this from their side and start seeing it from yours.

Was everything your partner did acceptable to you? are you willing to live a life next to an active alcoholic? No? well then, time to seek people that are more similar to you... who cares what they do now...

I mean I got entangled with A LOT of what my ex did after our breakup, its not worth it, he will do what alcoholics do, "party", binge, drive drunk, abuse anyone who is next to them.... you can KNOW EXACTLY what they are up to at any given point.

Remember someone who hurts you in this way is capable of hurting you more and more, but this is it, this is where you draw the line, the hurt has FINISHED, and you will heal from it... you can now heal instead of accumulate more and more hurt.... you are done... he will never be able to hurt you again.

This is a time for reflection and soul search... so you can make sure you protect that heart of yours from now on

PS I imagine my ex as if he were a madman, makes it all easier.

atlantean

I had an alcoholic wife who was cheating while I was at work. She stole money, left and broke my heart. I treated her like a queen. I now know I am the King of co-dependency. I know how you feel. The question is why I was attracted to this train wreck in the first place. God help me. and you.

sandrawg

It's great that you're asking this question. It's the first step to changing.

Reading Codependent No More has helped me figure out how I ended up like that. I'm going to start going to meetings as well...either al-anon or CODA whihc I imagine will give me even more insight.

For me, I got into 2 unhealthy rel'ships after my divorce. It may have been a fear of abandonment that led me into an abusive one, and the abusive one did such a number on my head that one yr later I stumbled into the rel'ship with the alcoholic.

Plus, I was raised to believe in nurturing and caretaking. My mother was a giant caretaker. When my siblings would screw up, my parents would let them move back in with us (thye were all a lot older than me.)

So I think there are many potentail factors involved. Therapy and meetings are likely to help you identify your personal issues.

ellima01

I understand- you can read my posts! Mine left me twice in 6 weeks for the samewoman- and she wasnt the only OW. I know how it feels to feel utterly worthless and unimportant- but u know u r not those things- its him- not u.

goodbyelove

"And no amount of cajoling, pressuring or ultimatums from you can make them recover. They could lose everything and still not get help."

Wow Sandrawg...you really hit the nail on the head. That line got me, it's so true. I think of all the people I have seen that have lost their wives, their children, their jobs, their homes, everything. If I can help it, I want to avoid the pain of breaking up a family, best to stay away now than divorce later. I don't want my future children to go through what I have endured.

ritabee

I can relate. Although my EXABF moved out 3 years ago we were still quite close until last summer. We went out together, worked together and still maintained a relationship. We are apartment superintendents, living separately in the same building. Last spring he met a woman who lived in the building next door. Her husband was in jail. He convinced her to give up her apartment and move into our building, denying that he was interested in her. On the first night of our holidays last summer I knocked on his door and heard a female voice inside. They shut up immediately and I walked down the hall. He then opened up his door and I got a view of two beer glasses and a closed bathroom door. He took this opportunity to yell at me at the top of his lungs that there was "nothing between us, hadn't been in a long time and I should know it". I turned and walked away utterly humiliated and didn't look back. She's still a tenant here and her unsuspecting husband is out of jail. The EX is all alone. Just him and his beer. Too bad, so sad.

Crazy4Him

And it is just as simple as that.

I know I hated the thought of him being with another woman most of all. This is what kept me up at nights and caused me the most pain. Then I remembered how much pain I was in for most of our relationship and I remind myself that until he stops drinking (which he hasn't) no woman is going to have him completely. No woman is going to be loved by him anymore than I was. As long as he is drinking, he doesn't love himself and any relationship he can manage with another woman is a one sided ticking time bomb where he is putting on the best performance of his life. They should really just hand my ex an oscar. He was that good.

No active alcoholic is capable of being fully and acceptably present in ANY relationship. This is why you shouldn't take it so personally when they leave. It is not about you when they leave, not at all. It's about the need to protect their addiction. That is why it's called an illness because it is survival instinct for the alcoholic. He will do anything to protect his supply! To anyone!

sandrawg

Wow, I keep spending so much time on this forum cuz I know I have to keep re-reading and keep re-reading these things. Because sometimes I look at his picture by chance, on a friend's FB profile of a group shot or something, and it hurts my heart. Then I start thinking of the good things...like how we could discuss any subject and talk for hours. Or cuddling with him.

I feel like right now I have to keep reading and reading and stay strong.

Thanks so much to all of you for sticking around on this forum-your words have helped me so much!

lovtolaff

I'm right there with you, hence the reason I'm still reading here after a year of not living with him. It seems like I keep forgetting the "bad" stuff we went through and I keep remembering the "puppies and butterflies" rather than the "mutts and moths" lol.

Stay strong...keep reading...play the WHOLE tape thru!! (This statement is just as much for me as it is for anyone else!!)

CNMC2C

I so needed to hear this, this morning. I woke up and it was like my mind has forgotten all that I have learned in the last year of working on myself. I have been sitting here in my living room this morning, just being sad and shedding a few tears. For the last hour I have been thinking about how wonderful my A XBF's life has to be with his new wife and how he has to have changed for her if he married her....and I was jealous. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but there...I said it. Anyway, thank you for reminding me that I need to play the tape all the way thru. Just did so, and remembered it was time last year that I was curled up in fetal position on my bed crying my eyes out becuase he had finally walked thru the door after being out all night with his then mistress, covered in her perfume and lipstick on his collar....but I was suppose to not see that OK...back on track now...Thanks!!!!!

Crazy4Him

I think that's why no contact is the only thing that works for us because even when there is NO CONTACT we're still thinking about the good times, and the cuddling, and the cooking together and the tickle fights and the trips. If they're in our ear sweet talking us or standing right before us at the same time that these thoughts are in our heads how are we to say no? We can't. Or at least I couldn't.

Pretty sure I can now, though. No contact is golden it really is.

lovtolaff

I still (a year later) get all melancholy and shed a tear or two...and yeah I'll even admit that I get that "jealous" feeling sometime - until I remember that there really is nothing to be jealous about...someone else is having to walk around on eggshells, trying to do everything "better" so he has nothing to bitch about, waiting for hours for him to come home from the bar, waiting on beer #6 or #18 that will cause the craving for crack and having him snap at me because he is trying to start an argument so he can leave to chase the dragon.....makes me shiver to remember all that.

Thank YOU for reminding ME that I too assumed that fetal position many times in our 2 year relationship and I don't EVER have to feel that way again!

Keep reading...keep posting...everyone here has a good way of bringing us back to reality.

Crazy4Him

amen.