I caved in and went back for more, why????
 

After nine months apart and starting to rebuild my life, I went back to my abf and we have had about six beautiful weeks together until this Monday. He is on a bender again and I have distanced myself all week hoping that it would slow down. I went to pick him up to spend the weekend together and realised that he was still on one, so I said that I would go away until he wanted to reduce his drinking down again. He has told me not to bother coming back as there is no point. I am in that horrible place again where you don't know where you stand. I am not falling apart at the seams, as I actually got quite used to being alone, but i am asking myself why I have chosen to put myself through all this again. I still love him absolutely and am prepared to accept things as they are, as long as I can step away when he is doing this, I just didn't work out the bit about him accepting that this is a good idea when reasonably sober and now in his beautiful irrational thinking, it is all over again. I have learned so much about myself and about alcoholism from this site and want to thank you all for your input. Who knows what happens next, no doubt I will be trying to work my way through it all again with all your help.

It's a lesson in compassion I guess.

Don't beat yourself up.

I used to get so mad at my bros when they would relapse.

But who was I to judge- when I had enough struggle trying to change myself?

Your BF is still in a relationship with a substance that he used to love, that used to never let him down, that he could rely on....but it probably hasn't kept that promise for him in a long time - yet still he returns to it again and again....he has not had enough, nor committed himself to giving it up - he's still wrapped up in his love/hate for the substance.

You had a great 6 weeks with someone you loved - even though you know how it will end since he hasn't found sobriety/recovery. From all you've been through you had an inkling going into these 6 weeks that what you were hoping would happen was a fantasy. All you can do is stand on the edge, give yourself a little perspective and make a choice about what you want your life to be like. When you've had enough of him/this you'll hopefully still have enough of yourself left to move on fully and fruitfully.

peace-
b

He told you exactly where you stand.

Yup-you know where you stand. Just like me, when my abf promised to be sober for a month, then told me after only 3 weeks, he wanted to go to the bar because it was July 4th. I said, fine, you can drink if you want, but my original condition was, I'm out of your life if you can't do this.

He basically said, "adios".

It's a cr*ppy feeling to be thrown off for a drug or alcohol, but after spending a lot of time on this forum and doing much soul-searching, I understand so much better why he did it. He really had no choice. Until he gets into recovery-and he is very far from that-he will never choose me or any healthy rel'ship over drinking.

He had no choice and, for my own self-respect and mental health, neither did I. I had to do what I promised I would and get out of his life for good.

After a year (it will be a year in 5 days) the XABF called me asking me if he can come home.(just about an hour ago) he was drunk. He said, I am in love with you, I miss you (oh god, what heartbreaking words) will you just be fun to be around, because I want to come home.

Do you know what I said??

I said............ NO WAY!. I said, you are an alcoholic, you haven't gotten any help, and I can't, nope.. I WILL NOT have an intimate relationship with anyone who is an alcoholic. I said, I do love you, and a part of me always will, but out 'relationship' is over. He turned it all around blaming me for his drinking. (EXACTLY, and that is why it will never work, it didn't work the first time, why would I think I would get a different result!!)

I am sorry that you are in the position you are in. I know how hard it is to say no to someone you love, but... for myself I never want to feel the way I felt when I was IN the relationship, and over the last year.

Good luck. Stay around and I will pray that you (as one of the smilies said) step away from the alcoholic

Great post freebird. I'm not sure I would be so strong if that happened to me. I guess maybe at a year it would be different.

Josie,

Why did you cave? Because you only were remembering the good times you two had together. You pushed the bad times out of your head, and lost track of the reason you left the first time. It's a learning experience and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. God knows I'm doing wrong things right now. Next time he asks you back, remember this moment over all others.

It sounds to me that you don't have much for standards. Accepting the binges for the sake of the brief periods of abstinence he has suggests that you don't feel you deserve any better. I'm sad to think that, but I also understand that.

My bar of standards was so low when I was with my EXAH that no one could limbo under it. I clung to the fantasy that some day surely he would change, and he was just a poor fellow who got a lot of bad breaks in his life (and he'd be glad to tell you that too).

Fortunately mine moved on to a new victim after I left him, but because I refused to work on the real problem-me-I simply repeated the same thing only with different men for 13 more years.

I'm grateful I don't have to live that way anymore, and I know I deserve a partner who is loving, respectful, and honest. Addicts/alcoholics need not apply. :)

Josie, I have been thinking about you a lot since I read this post. I left out a little bit of information on my prior post. Around the 9 month mark I did see the XABF, I guess it was to see for myself how far I have come, (as he didn't do anything for himself) I didn't let him come to our house (well it is mine now) He was all mushy with the undertone of pushy and said that to him seeing me was a start of a new life for us. I said, to me it was a goodbye that I just needed closure. He cried, (I cried) and I said I am sorry but I need a man who is committed to God (HP) first, then committed to himself to be happy and healthy as can be, and then to me (not that I was to be last, but that in order for a man to appreciate and love ME, he had to be in order in his life and love himself).

I just had to let you know that although you spent a lot of time with your ABF, it isn't a total loss of what you have built up in yourself. This may be what you needed to see the truth of it all??.

Good luck. You can do this, if it is what you want.

There will be many people in our lives that we will love and care about ... but we realize we cannot live or share our lives with them. Like a moth to a flame ... if we get too close, we will get burned.

An active alcoholic puts everyone and everything else in second place, they will not behave in reasonable and rationale ways and will keep their lives and ours in constant turmoil and chaos. We cannot change their course in life ... only our own. We have one life to live, we must value it by not willingly putting ourselves in a never ending whirlwind of irrational, destructive behavior. Addiction is cruel and consuming to the alcoholic and to everyone close to them.

To EnoughisEnough7's post I say a hearty AMEN.

Josie:

I went back after about a year. We never completely stopped contact, which was my mistake, but that's the path I took. He said all the right things, just as he always did when he was trying to get back on my good side and regain control. We were fully back together, or so I thought, in February when he admitted he had a girlfriend and had had one for 8 months or so at that point. I became so sick over this that I could not physically eat because I was chocking on food and lost a lot of weight for someone my size. After realizing what I was doing to myself, I decided to live and got rid of him. My life is so much better now.

I think I went back for more because I was not completely done. It was almost like I had to see how much I could lose for myself before I was done with him. Well, looking in the mirror at someone who turned into skin and bones with difficulty finding clothes to wear did it.

I posted a very long post about this back in April, but you may find it helpful : )

Hang in there! Don't beat yourself up for going back. That's wasted energy. One foot in the front of the other as you keep walking away from him is so much better!