Your opinion on my situation...?
 

I am 4 months into my life without my alcoholic. Well, he doesn't live with me anymore at least. I caught him smoking pot and stealing from me to support a gambling habit. So I asked him to leave until he got help. After a lot of harsh words from him and a physical attack- basically a rape- I am unsure if I could ever want to date him again. We have a 1year old together. He kept promising to get help in the form of rehab and I finally got tired of getting my hopes up. I finally laid down an ultimatum. On thursday nite i said, if the rehab guy doesn't call me on friday, it's over between us totally; i'll change my phone numbers and everything.
well, friday came and went and i felt a sense of peace and changed everything. then i found out the rehab lost its phone capacity on friday and the director told me on monday he had received a call from my alcoholic. now i'm just so confused. i think i love this man but he's done so much awful stuff. i'm trying to live one day at a time but i also hate to think i'm walking around a stupid battered woman. Shouldn't I want him to 'stay the hell away' forever? Or is there really some hope? Am I just a total sucker? I go to al-anon, a therapist and journal, etc.

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, hopeknows. Does he/she know about the attack? What does he/she say about your situation?

I'd also strongly, strongly suggest that you contact a local battered woman's organization and learn more about why you might still think you "love" someone who raped you -- and what might be going on in the dark corners of your mind that you'd even consider going back to someone who abuses you, rapes you, and lies to you.

The sense of relief you felt is a HUGE sign from your HP. (That's the only way HP has of communicating with us sometimes - we won't listen any other way) If another woman, someone you cared deeply about - daughter, sister, friend - came to you with this exact story, what would you be telling them? Would you consider this "love," or something else? Would you suggest she go right back into it? It is worth exploring this with a professional...we are all works in progress, and you deserve so much more than this.

Sending you hugs, strength, and luck.

Welcome Hopeknows ~ think about that "sense of peace" you had - that seems like a good indicator of what you really want/need.......trust yourself enough to know that you tried and now it's just time.

By you thinking of giving him another chance, is kind of like taking his needs over your own and your child's. It's time for him to take care of himself. If he really wants to find recovery, he will be doing it because he's ready and knows it's the right thing to do - not because of an ultimatum. Time for you to put you and your child first!

Now - I really must say this and hope you know it comes from my experience with abuse myself so I say this with concern and hope for you: if he did it once you know it can happen again. Often it gets worse. He cannot blame what he did to you on his alcoholism; what he did was wrong and there is no excuse.

I understand the feeling of feeling stupid -- I stayed too long and have never, ever regretted finally getting out. I left him around 14 years ago and, you know what, my ex is 42 now and still having problems. My son doesn't even like his father. If I could change one thing as a mother, it would have been leaving his father sooner.

Imagine a life for you and your child without alcoholism, gambling, drama, stealing, and violence. It is yours for the taking. Hugs~

When I was in an abusive relationship it took COURAGE to ask what others thought of my situation. I had been abused so long that I didnt know that there was another way to live. I thought that way for a long time. Its almost as if an abuser "programs" you to believe what they say "you wont find anyone else" "you need me" "noone will ever love you like I do" etc.....

When you are in a situation like this reaching out is the first step to making it out alive. Good for you for having the courage to speak up and reach out.

No, this is not a healthy relationship. No, you shouldnt EVEN consider going back NO MATTER WHAT. No, it wont get better. And NO chances are he will NEVER change, but what difference does that make you cant take back rape.

Sometimes just getting it out makes you feel better. Makes you feel like your not as bad as the abuser wants you to think or feel.

Sorry that you are going through this. Work on loving yourself so you can NOT ever WANT to go back or be in a situation like this again. I know its hard but it can be done.

Oh btw you are NOT a stupid battered woman nor are you a volunteer to abuse. Many woman who are successful and have BA's or MBA's find themselves in these situations also. So its not about someone being stupid or not smart enough. It all has to you with your insides, how you feel about yourself. If you feel bad then someone treating you bad is NORMAL or to you it feels good. Its is a vicious cycle and its very hard to get out of it. Start reaching out and you will be surprised at how many people will help you get out and stay out.

Best of luck to you...Keep reading keep posting.....

Welcome!

Thank you for sharing your story. Shame has a way of keeping people from reaching out and doing that so I applaud you. Stick with the Al Anon, therapy, and journalling you will find healing there and here as well.

I agree with the advice thus far so I won't add anything to it.

I know it is a lot easier to ask for advice and guidance and far more difficult to take that support as your own and follow it.

We are here to listen. Keep posting.

Best to you.
Alice

Hey there,

It is a good thing you are reaching out and I hope that harsh responses you sometimes get on this site won't scare you away or make you reconsider posting.

There is a lot of support out here and no need to feel ashamed to share your story. I know two people who used to post here and went away exactly for that reason and it saddens me. You are more than welcome here.

That said, I want to echo GiveLove's post (esp the thing about the relief you felt being a very good indicator) and SINCERELY hope you work with your therapist on this.

All the best for you. We all deserve to be treated right.

i appreciate you responding. i'm surprised at how angry you seem to be with me, however.

This is why I said please don't let it scare you away.

I almost always lurk on here and not post cos my anxiety is sky high and those type of responses make me shut down.

However from having been around here for months and reading a lot, I can def tell you that despite some harsher 'tones' being used, everyone here just wants to help. Some might get frustrated or react a little strong but in the end the majority of people here are to give support and try to help others.

Hi Hope,

Welcome!

I too hope that you continue to post. This site has many perspectives and offers a lot of experience from others who have been in similar shoes.

Abuse comes in many forms and it really beats you down mentally. I for one had a number done to my self worth as a result.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect. A person who physically abuses you does not respect you. They have issues that have nothing to do with you, and they are the only ones to help themselves with that (maybe with a therapist).

Hugs

Miss

YES - please stick around.

I know, for me, before I was in that (abusive) relationship, I didn't understand how anyone could stay in a situation like that. Then I found myself in one. I'm smart, educated, and capable of supporting myself. I still to this day don't understand why I stayed. I will say that I never felt like I deserved it; I always knew I didn't and knew I deserved more and what he was doing was wrong. For me - it was easier to push the memories of the abuse back into some hidden corner of my mind rather than face them or deal with them - and hope it was the last time and we could raise our son. There was just never a last time.

So again, concentrate on that sense of peace you found because you can have that almost every day if you are ready to choose it.

Hi Hope, welcome to the boards.

I wanted to tell you something that these wonderful people taught me just a couple of weeks ago.

We are addicted to our alcoholics just as the alcoholic is addicted to the liquor.

This statement slapped me in the face. As rediculous as it seems that an alcoholic would throw everything away by drinking, we are in effect, doing the same thing! We are throwing away everything we love and everything that could be wonderful about our lives by remaining addicted to our A's out of fear.

What fears do you have? Being alone? Not finding someone new? Raising a child on your own?

These are hard questions to ask yourself, but totally nessessary to your recovery. Please keep coming back. The harshness of the poeple on here is meant only out of love. Sometimes we need an extra push or slap in the face to realize what we are doing to ourselves.

what about other factors to consider, no human is perfect, no relationship is perfect?

Cat, that is very true. However no human deserves to be put through things that are so bad, they make us lose ourselves.

no relationship is perfect?

True.

But no loving truly loving and respectful relationship involves addiction, abuse, violence or misery!

So you gotta ask yourself, what kind of relationship do I want to be a part of, what kind of examples of adult interaction do I want to raise my kids around?

Just because we are not perfect does not mean we cannot have ideals and strive for them in our imperfect human ways. No one, I feel, was put on this earth to be abused by another person, to be coerced violently into doing things against their will, or to sacrifice their heart or joy to another's addiction and refusal to change.

peace,
b

I can totally relate. Was in a verbally and emotionally abusive rel'ship for a year. I shake my head sometimes when I think of the horrible things he used to say to me and can't believe I put up with it but yeah, abusers are master manipulators and brainwashers. They play games with your head that leaves oyu feeling like a deer in a headlight. They try to tear you down to make you think no one else will have you.

Well, I'm here to say, plenty of guys wanted me after I escaped from him. I know now, it was all about control, and stemmed from his own sense of worthlessness. See, deep at heart he thought of himself as worthless cuz he was abused as a child. So he thought the only way to keep a gf was to make her feel so unlovable that she's stay with him.

I had 6 months of therapy to figure this stuff out, and then I got the strength to leave.

Amen!! Well said!

The whole "no rel'ship is perfect" sounds like something an abuser would say, when you call him on his behavior.

lol! My ex's favorite line was, "At least I don't beat you up."

OMG and I actually BOUGHT that crap for a long time. Then one day after he said it I looked at him and said, "So by saying that AT LEAST you don't beat me up you are more or less taking responsibility for the fact that you treat me like complete garbage, right? Otherwise, why would you feel the need to make such a comparison?"

No answer. I stayed with him for a long time after that but I must say I am proud of myself for that!

Hope, I too am a rape survivor. In my opinion rape can never be justified. I understand that you still have feelings of love for this man. I too loved and trusted the second man that raped me. It happened to me towards the end of a 3 yr relationship. I finally got the courage to leave him a few weeks after the attack. It was hard at first and I missed his good points but I didn't miss the verbal, emotional and finally sexual abuse.

I have now moved on and whilst I still have some serious problems with substance abuse I am in a loving relationship with a man who is 100% supportive and helping me work through my problems.

You and your child deserve better than the situation you have been in previously, my advice is to remember that feeling of relief and never look back again.

Much love,

The Faerie with Torn Wings

I think I held on to the idea of working things out with my axbf for so long because I didn't want to accept that I had lost faith in him, because for so long, that was all I had. The funny thing about having faith in a person -- you only need to have faith when there is no obvious evidence - otherwise, you have trust.

It's hard to let go of faith because it's not based on anything tangible.

And, I desperately wanted to keep that faith, because acknowledging that he was a jerk meant giving up on a certain idealism and naivete I had about human nature. For some reason, I find it difficult to deal with the idea that there are bad people out there.

These are just my experiences, I place no judgment on you and only share because there might be a point of intersection in our experiences.

Best to you,

at2

I completely agree with the above.