inahaze

A little update as I haven't been here in awhile. I still haven't moved as my renters took longer than anticipated(they just moved last weekend), AH didn't move for a new job and he's still drinking. I did allow myself a glimmer of hope there for a few weeks, his drinking pretty much quit and was a good person again enjoying his family. Didn't last long, just like usual.

So anyway, renters moved out the weekend before his birthday and our anniversary. No way I was moving out this weekend, it would of ended up like WW3, I thought it a good idea to wait a little while afterwards. I decided to try to be a good person and make his birthday a good one. I made the dinner he requested, left extra early this morning to buy everything I needed and even made the made-by-scratch dessert he wanted. I enjoyed all the friends he invited over, took care of the kids and turned my head as he got completely plastered. AH never ate one single bite of the huge meal I made, everyone told me it was delicious though. Corn hole and drinking with two of his friends was better, still I never said anything. It was his b-day and he wasn't bothering me any.

As soon as the last car pulled out of the drive, it was maybe 5 minutes, and he was crying. Told me no matter how much he works he can't get ahead. Then he whined that our place is to small, only two bedroom. Then he said he was going to blow his head off as he can't get ahead. When I wasn't babying him enough and told him to quit hurting my hand(squeezing way to hard)he turned on me. I was a bad wife, I never rub his back, I don't support him, I've never worked enough, I won't act like his wife. He says he prays to god every night, he teaches his kids to pray and it never helps. He asks me to get him up in the morning because he's drank to much and no one will help him. Then he got mad because I wouldn't go to bed with him.

I just looked at him like he was crazy and cried a little after he passed out. I try to be nice and he screws it up himself. Completely typical of him.

prodigal

Inahaze, I wish I was gifted with the ability to come across more compassionate or more recovered, or whatever. But I am who I am. I leave it to others on this board to use their abilities to do so.

I have lived with this *#(&$(*#& for a long time. Yes, your AH is probabaly crazy. You can be nice and he will turn on you. You can be nasty and he will turn on you. You can be indifferent and he will turn on you. By "turn on you," I mean turn the tables and become sarcastic, nasty, blaming, and a big crybaby. "Nobody understands me," "My problems are unique," "I need special care." Blah, blah, blah.

I learned long ago not to listen, not to care, not to get upset, not to waste my time or energy crying over something over which I have no responsibility. Sure, AH tries to make me feel like I've made some MAJOR mistake that has him in an uproar. I just laugh. Why? Because, for me personally, there is nothing this man can say to me any longer that means jack.

You enjoyed your guests. He behaved like a jerk. He did not appreciate what you did for him, because it's not about you in any way. It's just about him.

When do you expect to move? I assure you, a break from all the insanity will do you a world of good. My cousin is getting an apartment ready for me to move into. Now I just have to schlep my belongings 2,300 miles! But I've always loved a challenge! LOL!

One thing I learned from all the years I've been married to an A. Don't take the complaining seriously. If he didn't find fault with one thing, he'd find something else to complain about. Heck, you could walk on water and he'd complain that you didn't have on tap shoes and dance across the waves like Fred Astaire!

inahaze

It got better this morning. I did get up to make sure that he went to work, I need the money. He managed to come downstairs so I went back to sleep in my recliner, 45 minutes later I woke up again and he's out. I tried to get him up to at least call in(15 minutes later)I said f**k it and went to bed after being told to "Shut the f**k up" a couple of times.

I think they called him at 7am, he did manage to say he wasn't going to be there. He was supposed to be there at 5:30am.

GiveLove

Vent away, haze, if it helps.

What are your plans for getting away from this insanity? Anything we can help you figure out, in terms of the logistics of it all? That's that old middle quote on my signature.....it really does help to have a plan, when you're ready.

inahaze

I received the honorary I'm so sorry apology, followed by the I'll never drink again speach yesterday, I don't believe him. I'd love to, I know at this moment he's very sorry, I know at this moment he really means what he's saying.

The past is the best indicater of the future and our future looks pretty bleak. He's been begging me to not leave him even though I've not talked to him about me moving.

I'm just feeling pretty down and overwhelmed at this moment.

luciddreamrgrl

I'm sorry Inhaze. I know what your feeling. I think once you've become completely hopeless about a relationship, there is nothing left. It's time for you to move on and make yourself happy. You sure don't seem to be very happy right now. Don't let his lies and smoke screens effect you. He is who he is and you are who you are. The two together doesn't seem to be working. He knows you are thinking about leaving even though you are not saying it and he still isn't stopping. False promises can only go so far. Please take care of yourself and move on!

Light and Love,

Sarah

bookwyrm

(((inahaze))) I think your signature says it all. :ghug2

inahaze

I tried talking to him Sunday about his outburst the week prior, it was the first chance I'd had since we work opposite shifts. He did apologize again and I listened, but I ended up crying and just kind of letting it all out. I said I'm just supposed to forget about his irrational tyrants because they don't mean anything since he's drunk. I'm supposed to be all okie dokie with them the next day, heck he doesn't generally remember them so why should I? I said he expects me to openly love him time after time after time that he trashes me, but why would I when I know what's in store for me. It could happen again the next week or could take several months, but I know it will happen.

He said he's sorry again, but...BUT....BUT
1 I'm not the easiest person to live with
2 We're both adults
3 I need to quit thinking about it
4 I need to quit bringing up the past

And what did I gather from my talking to him? That I need to get over it, it's not a big deal since he didn't mean it because he was drinking.

13 years of accepting apologies and broken promises, I don't buy his line of BS. I cannot even begin to count the number of times that I've heard "I'm sorry" "I'll never drink again" "I didn't mean it" and "My family is more important than beer". Blah, obviously not.

I'm just so tired of this. When he explodes I feel like the same young girl when we first met. I was so scared of him, scared of his tyrants, scared of disappointing him, scared of what I might or might not do that would set him off. He looks like that same monster I knew him as. I used to want to crawl up in a corner and becoming invisible.

I'm not that person now...I work, go to school, take care of my kids, house and pets. I just got accepted into the RN program for heaven's sake! I may not be enough for him because I won't accept his drinking, but that's his loss, not mine.

I hate the fact that he can still make me feel so weak and vulnerable and insecure. I'm none of those and I'm taking my power back, even of the first step is the hardest, most terrifying thing I've ever done.

Still Waters

You can do it inahaze, just remember that you are a wonderful valuable lovely person, and you deserve to be treated as such.

sandrawg

Speaking of first step, have you gotten to the first step of recovery? Admitting you're powerless over alcohol?

My xabf said so many things-made so many promises. I learned to trust his actions, not his promises. Because when I paid more attention to his words, he made my head spin. I thought I was going insane. "But...why are you doing THIS...you said you would never do THIS...you said our relationship was important but you are doing cocaine even tho I told you I couldn't be with someone who did cocaine..." OY! It's exhausting!

I'm so glad I'm not on that mental merrygoround anymore.

You definitely deserve better than someone whose word means nothing.

ItsmeAlice

I work, go to school, take care of my kids, house and pets. I just got accepted into the RN program for heaven's sake!

This sounds like a strong, capable, motivated woman to me!! You're handling life on life's terms, but it sounds like he is still the inappropriate drunk blaiming anyone and everyone but himself for treating others poorly.

Keep in mind that the more on track your train becomes and the more focused on you and the kids you become, the more likely he will act out against it. He is losing his ability to manipulate you and that is all he has to keep his world the way he likes it.

The tough decisions you talk about may feel overwhelming. Talk them out, journal them but by all means work through them. Don't dangle your toe in for too long or you'll find yourself like I did....pushed in the water when you least expect it.

All the best to you!

Alice