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Looking for my pearls...

Old 08-31-2003, 08:05 AM
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JT
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Looking for my pearls...

The Beav is in prison now...he was transfered a week ago from county and then they hold them in a transitional prison until they farm them out. He now has his new address for the next 4 months. I brought him up on the DOC website...real easy...just type in Beav and I have his mug shot on my screen in living color.

So here is where I am. I am doing well...I am saying, doing and thinking all that my program has taught me for the last 10 years. I am focusing on the good that can come from this. I know in my heart that he will not stop doing what he has been doing until the consequences outweigh the "fun". I also know how bad the statistics are.

Then Beavette says " I know I will never see my mommy again but I wish I could see my dad"

Ward says " I can't help it...it just breaks my heart"

My Mom says "He must be scared to death"

A friend says "I am so sorry"

Why in the hell do I have to be the strong one? AGAIN?? I keep telling Ward he is where he needs to be....he does belong where he is because he got 4 DUI's. I told my friend the same thing...that maybe this is a good thing for him. I tell Beavette that I miss his dad too....and darn it...my Mom is right.

My bravado is wilting...where are my pearls when I need them? Sometimes all I want is to be the Cleaver's.

June
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Old 08-31-2003, 09:16 AM
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Hugs to you June

I know what it's like to feel the cracks in the bravado. I guess you have to grab onto every positive you can think of. Maybe the Beav will be exposed to some good rehab while doing his time? I would really hope so. Maybe some of the isloation of being in jail will make the Beav focus inward and see where he needs to heal and grow? I will say a prayer that this will be a healing experience for your son. I'm sorry that you are carrying a heavy load right now.
Peace,
Gabe
P.S. I think a pearl studded tiara might be in order. How's that for pearls?
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Old 08-31-2003, 09:26 AM
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JT
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I hope you don't think by pearl's I was referring to pearl's of wisdom. I am not feeling all the at wise right now...no, it is June's pearls that are missing. It would be nice to have a shot of 1960's TV land normalcy right now.

Thanks Gabe!
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Old 08-31-2003, 10:10 AM
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((((((((JT)))))))))

Hmmm, would it be so bad if you allowed yourself a moment or two of weakness? You don't have to be the strong one if you don't feel like it. Except for the Beavette, you really don't have to comfort anyone else. And you are allowed to acknowledge that your heart is broken too. It's ok. It may freak everyone else out, but who cares?

It's ok to feel the pain. Really it is. 10 years of recovery doesn't mean you're no longer allowed to feel sad, angry, or scared.

And don't worry about finding those pearls. They're really not all that attractive anyway. Kinda boring and dull, if you ask me.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 08-31-2003, 10:35 AM
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Journey took the words out of my mouth. It's okay to be a little sad. Heck... it makes ME sad. You were strong when you needed to be... when weakening would have meant trying to step between the Beav and his consequences. (Sometimes I go get a sappy movie to watch so I can bawl with a good excuse.)

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 08-31-2003, 03:35 PM
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(((JT)))

They took the words right out of my mouth.
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Old 08-31-2003, 04:18 PM
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((((((JT)))))) Me too. It's okay to not be the rock all the time. I like Smoke's idea - I can give you some suggestions if you like.

Lots of love and hugs.
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Old 08-31-2003, 04:39 PM
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JT Please consider yourself HUGGED big time....

I have felt that way atleast a hunderd times in my recovery, I call my sponsor and after she lets me cry alittle; she always anwsers, "Cause your the one with a program that's why." Then we both can laugh alittle...because I know that's a spiritual truth for me today...

I am sending you tons of love and prayers...
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Old 08-31-2003, 09:29 PM
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Thanks to all!

We went to some friend's for a cook out today and we had fun. I had to laugh because as soon as we got home Ward was in his "chair". We left by 10pm. Which to us means we are getting old.

What I plan to do tomorrow is write and write until I cry it out. If not tomorrow, then the next day or the next. It might take a sappy movie (thanks Smoke) or pen and paper but I will get this out.

Oh and did I mention how pissed I am?? I am a mess today! And maybe for the next week..

JT
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Old 08-31-2003, 09:40 PM
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Oh by the way...I have to arrange these things doncha know.... if I am going to have a good cry...I have to plan it.

I am throwing the skillet to anyone who catches it first! PLEASE let me have it!

JT
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Old 09-01-2003, 12:13 PM
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Hey JT,

It takes a lot of strength and courage to face our feelings and be honest about them. Get it up and out and walk past until the next lesson.

I remember being at my father's funeral. I did really well holding in the tears like everyone else. I fell apart for an hour when I got back to my moms. I cried so deep and never had to cry again over his death. My aunt was there and made a remark like "Why are you crying? Your father loved you?"

I thought "What the hell is wrong with you people. I just lost my father and will never see him again. Why is everyone sitting here trying not to cry. There is just something not right about that. You stupid people." And when we were first told he was dead my older sister sat with a smile with shoulders back. The social worker looked at her and said. "You must be the oldest" I thought I would gag. Our society has everything half ass backwards.

There I feel better.

Hugs to you today.

MG
 
Old 09-01-2003, 03:46 PM
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JT...
Wow... I have not been keep up with the boards... I found myself trying to fix others...
Anyway.. I just want to tell you that I admire your recovery!!!! I am thinking about you and your family... I will say a special prayer for you...
Hugs to you... Your Friend, Clowie
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Old 09-01-2003, 03:53 PM
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JT, you are so entitled to

1) Have a good cry
2) Fling that skillet
3) Write and write and write and write.
Whoever said "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" was a big, fat liar.
Hugs and
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 09-01-2003, 07:08 PM
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JT

I know just how you feel I think. For me, I really can't not feel what I'm going through. It masks itself in a lot of different things....anger, depression, a new pair of shoes. The problem with feeling like I am always the strong one is.......who's going to be there for me?

Time and time again, no one is. I am the one with the answers, the caretaker, the one who helps everyone. When I am hit with the same thing as everyone else around me, just like in your situation.....that's when I feel it most. I try to offer support to everyone but it seems no one understands how to walk through the pain and make some sense out of it. It would just be nice once and a while to receive that support from my family. It's a very lonely and scary feeling and I have had to learn a few lessons. Initially I have had to learn to seek outside support from the program and from SR

I have gained a lot of knowledge and a lot of coping skills because I feel things very deeply. I find most people like to escape their feelings. I analyze them to death and then read the latest book on how to deal with it. It's my nature and in a way it's my curse. However, sometimes, after a good cry, I can begin to see it as a gift. I have had to learn to help myself, support myself, and parent myself. I have also opened my self up a little more to God because of it.

I have always been "co-dependent" feeding off of and reacting to what is happening to others around me. I am learning to be "in-dependent" It's scary but it's growth.

I am not sure if you feel similar but your post touched me very deeply and made me think of the issues I spoke about which I struggle with quite frequently.

I have trouble crying, but a movie always works for me too. It doesn't even have to be sad, I always think the end of movies are always touching. If you really want a tear jerker sad movie....Antwone fisher or The Hours.
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Old 09-01-2003, 07:32 PM
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Thank you Stephanie

I know that this is JT's thread, but what you posted hit a nerve in me. I'm tired of being the one who is strong and deals with everything while everyone else bails. Me thinks JT isn't the only one who is "Just Tired". Thank God we codies stick together.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 09-01-2003, 07:45 PM
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OMGosh, JT! When your title said you were looking for your pearls, all I could think of was the movie "Hook", and the scene where the guy keeps saying "where are my marbles? I can't find my marbles". Finally in the end, Peter Pan finds his marbles and brings them to him.

With all your recovery (it really does show ) I believe you will find your pearls before this is over. One must never give up hope! My recommendation is that you cry until you feel lots better. It really does help.

Hugs,
Lyn
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Old 09-01-2003, 08:50 PM
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What your mom said hurts the most. WHY does it matter to know how scared they are when the life (finally) catches up with them? Why don't you go out in the car and just scream a while alone---and yell as if he were there and tell him how you feel?

PS: You wouldn't really want to vacuum in high heels....
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Old 09-02-2003, 03:19 AM
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****{JT}}}

I haven't been on much the last couple of days and just saw this.

In the movie "Steel Magnolias" there is a funeral scene where Sally Fields is feeling the pain and doesn't know what to do with it because she has been so brave for so long. And someone suggests she "hit Wheezie". Well I'll be "Wheezie" and you can just swing that skillet for all it's worth.

You have been strong when you needed to be. You have worn your recovery like a well-fitting glove, and done and not done every single thing that you were taught. You have already dealt with the crisis, for him and for you. So wear your pearls proudly and know that June Cleaver could never have survived any of this without a program and a ton of tears.

So let 'er rip. Even Steel Magnolias like us feel pain and need to get it out. Mourn your losses and then remember that God is looking after every single one of us. The Beav might be scared, as your mother suggested, but maybe he will be scared straight. This is not the end of his journey, but it may very well be the beginning of his recovery. There are worse places he could start.

And no, none of us are the Cleavers, and we may be a tad dysfunctional, but we are "family" here, and we are truly Steel Magnolias. Don't every forget that!!!

Hugs, Love and Tissues
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Old 09-02-2003, 05:15 AM
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Thanks so much to all of you.

Steph, what you said is me. I am my curse! And, like in Steel Magnolia's, I can't bring myself to share these feelings with Ward, or my mother or anyone else for that matter. But this board and my program are so different. I guess I feel like if I fall apart who will keep it together...

I have always felt as tho, if I REALLY fell apart I might never come back.

When these people say these things to me I feel like I am throwing up a shield to keep the horrible reality at bay. To Ward I will even say "I don't need to hear this stuff" and I will start reciting all my mantras about this being good for him.

We all mourn what could have been, what might have been...damnit, what should have been. I have mourned his choices so many times at different levels of his decline and I find myself doing it again. I guess, stupidly, I thought I had done all of my mourning.

I know the words, I know what to do to make me feel better, I have read the books and analysed "me" to the point of self absorbtion. As I write, the answers to my post are in my head...a whole new level of codependence...trying to control the uncontrollable...my own human emotions.

I trust that I will get through this because I have done it so many times in the past.

Now, if my family would just "Shut Up"! I really COULD use Weezie right now!! Better yet...if the Beav was standing here I might just punch HIM!!

Hugs,
JT
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Old 09-02-2003, 09:50 AM
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JT, Can you find one of those blow up bounce back clowns that are weighted down with sand in the bottom...

I love mine.....I used to go chop wood but we don't burn wood anymore...Sometimes I think its a shame too...The ole wood shed was good for more than storing wood.

Here's a one liner :

We can not heal what we can not feel....
John Bradshaw.

Your recovery is showing every time you post, whether you know it or not....

I Have often wondered why I keep going to a peach tree when I really want apples, What makes me think I am going to get healthy responses from sick people in my life who don't even work a program of recovery....

I view this site like I view telephone therapy;

I will listen so you can hear what your thinking.

I will read what you are writing so you clear your head and heart and move forward..

Consider yourself HUGGED.
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