Looking for some knowledge.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Fargo, North Dakota
Posts: 3
Looking for some knowledge.
Hi everyone.
I'm new here. I guess I'll start with a little history. My mom is the Alcoholic. She has been every since I can remember. My dad left when I was very little and there hasn't really been anyone else in her life since then. It was always me, my mom and my little brother. She is the kindest person in the world and I love her with all of my heart. Even when she isn't sober, I still can see the person I love so much.
I am now 31 years old. I have all the classic symptoms of a child of an alcoholic. I rebelled hardcore in my teens through early 20s. I have a lot of trouble with relationships and self worth. I moved away from her for quite sometime. Until a couple of years ago. Now I have come back to her. We are roommates. Again let me say I love my mother. I always have. I just couldn't stand to be around her when I was younger. Now I love spending time with her when shes sober.
She worked at the same job for 20 years. Was never late or called in. But when she was not working she was drinking. Her drink is whiskey. She is and always will be too proud to get help and doesn't care too. She has to extremely sick to even get her to see a doctor because I know she fears that they will say something to her about it.
My major worry is this. She is now 55 and she has retired. Now she is home 24'7 and does nothing but drink. I don't even see her drinking coffee in the morning anymore. She has lost so much weight. She vomits some nights. Yet I don't know what to do for her. What stages do they go through before their liver fails? I'm just lost. I worry everyday that I'm going to come home and find her on the floor. But then for the brief time I see her sober in the morning she looks and sounds healthy. Basicly what happens towards the end. Any information you can give me will help me just to know where she is at health wise. Thanks so much.
I'm new here. I guess I'll start with a little history. My mom is the Alcoholic. She has been every since I can remember. My dad left when I was very little and there hasn't really been anyone else in her life since then. It was always me, my mom and my little brother. She is the kindest person in the world and I love her with all of my heart. Even when she isn't sober, I still can see the person I love so much.
I am now 31 years old. I have all the classic symptoms of a child of an alcoholic. I rebelled hardcore in my teens through early 20s. I have a lot of trouble with relationships and self worth. I moved away from her for quite sometime. Until a couple of years ago. Now I have come back to her. We are roommates. Again let me say I love my mother. I always have. I just couldn't stand to be around her when I was younger. Now I love spending time with her when shes sober.
She worked at the same job for 20 years. Was never late or called in. But when she was not working she was drinking. Her drink is whiskey. She is and always will be too proud to get help and doesn't care too. She has to extremely sick to even get her to see a doctor because I know she fears that they will say something to her about it.
My major worry is this. She is now 55 and she has retired. Now she is home 24'7 and does nothing but drink. I don't even see her drinking coffee in the morning anymore. She has lost so much weight. She vomits some nights. Yet I don't know what to do for her. What stages do they go through before their liver fails? I'm just lost. I worry everyday that I'm going to come home and find her on the floor. But then for the brief time I see her sober in the morning she looks and sounds healthy. Basicly what happens towards the end. Any information you can give me will help me just to know where she is at health wise. Thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I wish I could answer your question about what happens towards the end. I did a quick google search on "end stage alcoholism" and found this (note: this is off the internet - which means all information needs to be considered suspect in terms of accuracty).
Not a happy thing to read, and I almost didn't post it. But I think you should know all the information you can.
All of that being said, welcome to the forums. You may want to start by reading the "stickied" posts at the top of this forum.
There is very little you can do for her. What you can do for YOU is a different matter. We're here 24/7.
As alcoholism progresses, the alcoholic has become obsessed with drinking to the exclusion of nearly everything else. Everyone can tell there's a major problem. During the late alcoholism stages, the mental and physical health of the alcoholic are seriously deteriorating. Many of the body's organs have been damaged which lowers resistance to disease. Relationships at home or socially may have been severely damaged, and there can be mounting financial and legal problems due to the alcoholic's powerlessness over alcohol.
Every alcoholic will suffer from malnutrition. Alcohol in large amounts interferes with the digestion process and the passage of nutrients from the intestines into the bloodstream. Liver function has been damaged, further limiting the conversion of nutrients into a usable form that the body can assimilate. The damaged cells are not receiving the needed nutrients, they cannot repair themselves and the damage continues. Nutritional deficiencies cause a host of related problems to become worse. For example, vitamin B-1 deficiency common in alcoholics can result in loss of mental alertness and appetite, fatigue, confusion and emotional instability.
And if the alcoholic continues drinking, alcohol will cause the death of the alcoholic in one way or another. From suicide, accidents and related injuries to direct damage to the body's organs and systems, death will likely be the final outcome of end stage alcoholism.
Every alcoholic will suffer from malnutrition. Alcohol in large amounts interferes with the digestion process and the passage of nutrients from the intestines into the bloodstream. Liver function has been damaged, further limiting the conversion of nutrients into a usable form that the body can assimilate. The damaged cells are not receiving the needed nutrients, they cannot repair themselves and the damage continues. Nutritional deficiencies cause a host of related problems to become worse. For example, vitamin B-1 deficiency common in alcoholics can result in loss of mental alertness and appetite, fatigue, confusion and emotional instability.
And if the alcoholic continues drinking, alcohol will cause the death of the alcoholic in one way or another. From suicide, accidents and related injuries to direct damage to the body's organs and systems, death will likely be the final outcome of end stage alcoholism.
All of that being said, welcome to the forums. You may want to start by reading the "stickied" posts at the top of this forum.
There is very little you can do for her. What you can do for YOU is a different matter. We're here 24/7.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My dad is 72 this year and has been sitting in his chair, watching TV, chain-smoking and chain-drinking since 1989. At this stage he is in a lot of pain and is suffering from heart disease, liver disease, and lung disease. He goes in daily cycles: He gets up very early in the morning and drinks till he can't drink any more (alcohol withdrawal wakes them up), then he goes to sleep for a while. When he wakes up, he starts drinking again. He runs through this cycle three times a day.
Many times over the last 20 years my brothers and sister and Mom thought he'd be dead within the year, but he's still kickin'. I'm not saying this will happen with your Mom because everyone is different The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself, be self-aware, improve your life. Go to Al-Anon, and read up on Alcoholism (start with Google). There is a lot of convenient information out there on this topic.
If you want to help her directly, try to encourage her to make one little change in her life (not related to alcohol), to help give her something to focus on, like a personal goal; something that will provide her with a little motivation. Talk to her like she is your friend. Try not to get upset or be dramatic, or needy, or expect her to be a "normal" Mom. Treat her like she was your best friend who is the same age as you. Continue to appreciate all the good she has done in your life, and try to forgive her for any of the bad. Tell her what you are grateful for. Tell her the things she's done right, and say thanks.
Let her, in normal conversation, bring up her health or her feelings about her life, when she wants to talk about it. Use those opportunities to break the ice about rehab or going to A.A. If you're going to 12-Steps, that gives you the opportunity to bring up in conversation something like "I'm going to 12-Steps and it's really helping me." Then you can describe how it's helping her. If she says things like, "I want to quit but know I can't" or "It's too late for me" be encouraging and tell her, "You can do it!" Remind her of all the successes she has had in life.
I have found that direct approaches, guilt, blame, and threats are not helpful. And ignoring or avoiding her would be very bad for your own health. If she never reaches out for help and winds up dying from it, you will know that you and she were friends, and that you treated her with the love and respect each person deserves.
Don't be afraid. Face your fears and your "What Ifs" head-on. You are about the age I was when I first started doing these things I've listed above. When I was finally able to think in this manner and began to treat my Dad like he is my friend, started to treat him with grace and humility and appreciation for all he's done and all he is, I KNEW that I had finally grown up
.
Take care of yourself.
Many times over the last 20 years my brothers and sister and Mom thought he'd be dead within the year, but he's still kickin'. I'm not saying this will happen with your Mom because everyone is different The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself, be self-aware, improve your life. Go to Al-Anon, and read up on Alcoholism (start with Google). There is a lot of convenient information out there on this topic.
If you want to help her directly, try to encourage her to make one little change in her life (not related to alcohol), to help give her something to focus on, like a personal goal; something that will provide her with a little motivation. Talk to her like she is your friend. Try not to get upset or be dramatic, or needy, or expect her to be a "normal" Mom. Treat her like she was your best friend who is the same age as you. Continue to appreciate all the good she has done in your life, and try to forgive her for any of the bad. Tell her what you are grateful for. Tell her the things she's done right, and say thanks.
Let her, in normal conversation, bring up her health or her feelings about her life, when she wants to talk about it. Use those opportunities to break the ice about rehab or going to A.A. If you're going to 12-Steps, that gives you the opportunity to bring up in conversation something like "I'm going to 12-Steps and it's really helping me." Then you can describe how it's helping her. If she says things like, "I want to quit but know I can't" or "It's too late for me" be encouraging and tell her, "You can do it!" Remind her of all the successes she has had in life.
I have found that direct approaches, guilt, blame, and threats are not helpful. And ignoring or avoiding her would be very bad for your own health. If she never reaches out for help and winds up dying from it, you will know that you and she were friends, and that you treated her with the love and respect each person deserves.
Don't be afraid. Face your fears and your "What Ifs" head-on. You are about the age I was when I first started doing these things I've listed above. When I was finally able to think in this manner and began to treat my Dad like he is my friend, started to treat him with grace and humility and appreciation for all he's done and all he is, I KNEW that I had finally grown up
.Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey Lisa, I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. It's not easy watching an A-parent slowly self-destruct 
You sound just like me when I talk about my AF. He's past retirement age but can't afford to retire. I don't know how much he drinks anymore because I engaged in distancing for my own mental health last year. Despite serious health complications and the miracle that he has survived in relative good health, he still disappears into the drink at special occassions. Even though he is physically well, he is not mentally well. When he can he drinks. He's struggling with depression, but refuses meds or therapy (like your mom, also too proud). I used to worry every day that I'm going to come home and find him behind the house with his brains blown out. I see his life now as a slow suicide; no matter how good things are for him or what I do, this is his choice. It's always been the path he's been choosing to walk down - in spite of our happiest times together.
And when I try to talk to people about him, I feel guilty for slandering him and insist that I love my AF. Most people don't understand what this pain is like - watching someone you love behave like this. It's like all the good times you had with them aren't enough. The summation of all your accomplishments and happiness in your relationship with them isn't enough. They just want to keep escaping the pain they're too proud (afraid) to face.
Other people here have posted great information about the end stages, but I'm wondering what are you doing for you?
Before I distanced from my AF, I started counselling. This helped me recognize that even though my AF was having some good days, that the alcohol was still there. The underlying problem was still there. In order to effectively deal with the problem I had to get off the emotional rollercoaster of hoping he would take charge of his life. I had presented the information to him many times; I had even cried to him how worried I was about his health. No matter how rationally I explained to him the danger of his choices, he still made his own choice to continue. For my own well-being I desperately needed the counselling to figure out what was my responsibility and what was not. I needed it to know that I had done everything in my power to address my parent's problem. After that, it's his choice.
I can't tell you what the rest of your mom's path is going to look like. But it sounds to me like you're in a place where you've been able to salvage part of the damaged relationship with your mom (which is very rare and fortunate!). My advice is to enjoy that - what you relationship you might have had with your mom without her addiction. But also accept the situation for what it is. Your mom's decision has already been made. Now what about your decisions? What choices can you make to keep healthy yourself. Carrying that worry about coming home everyday is not a healthy load for anyone.
I know you asked for health information; this is what I have to offer for your mental health. Please take what you like, and leave the rest. You shouldn't have to bear this load
Again let me say I love my mother. I always have.
And when I try to talk to people about him, I feel guilty for slandering him and insist that I love my AF. Most people don't understand what this pain is like - watching someone you love behave like this. It's like all the good times you had with them aren't enough. The summation of all your accomplishments and happiness in your relationship with them isn't enough. They just want to keep escaping the pain they're too proud (afraid) to face.
Other people here have posted great information about the end stages, but I'm wondering what are you doing for you?
Before I distanced from my AF, I started counselling. This helped me recognize that even though my AF was having some good days, that the alcohol was still there. The underlying problem was still there. In order to effectively deal with the problem I had to get off the emotional rollercoaster of hoping he would take charge of his life. I had presented the information to him many times; I had even cried to him how worried I was about his health. No matter how rationally I explained to him the danger of his choices, he still made his own choice to continue. For my own well-being I desperately needed the counselling to figure out what was my responsibility and what was not. I needed it to know that I had done everything in my power to address my parent's problem. After that, it's his choice.
I can't tell you what the rest of your mom's path is going to look like. But it sounds to me like you're in a place where you've been able to salvage part of the damaged relationship with your mom (which is very rare and fortunate!). My advice is to enjoy that - what you relationship you might have had with your mom without her addiction. But also accept the situation for what it is. Your mom's decision has already been made. Now what about your decisions? What choices can you make to keep healthy yourself. Carrying that worry about coming home everyday is not a healthy load for anyone.
I know you asked for health information; this is what I have to offer for your mental health. Please take what you like, and leave the rest. You shouldn't have to bear this load
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