girlfriday

I need help, thank God I may have a place to get some answers!

I met am man 14 months ago, who was 6 months into the program, I knew absolutely nothing about alcoholism and thought it was very commendable that he was as he put it “fully recovered”.

I drank socially and enjoyed a glass of wine with dinner on a regular basis, he insisted that this was completely fine, as again, he was fully recovered. Our relationship was wonderful for the first 6 months. At around this time he moved in with me and my sons (in hindsight a bad idea), I should note that I thought it odd that he has never has a place of his own, he moved his 6 boxes (and coffee maker) from a room he was renting from a co-worker. At age 46 he had drifted from women’s houses for a few months at time back to rented a room, I figured that he had finally found his soul mate in me and overlooked this “red flag”.

So, at about 6 months he started to have an issue with my drinking, he claimed that it was not because he was tempted to drink, but because he felt that I was “self medicating” and drinking too often, he gave me an ultimatum to either quit drinking or else… I figured that this was being unreasonable so I compromised and stashed a bottle of wine behind the good china, of coarse he found this and declared that I indeed was a alcoholic as I was “hiding” the wine. At this point I decided that my love for him was more important than a occasional glass of wine and stopped drinking altogether to keep the peace.

10 months into the relationship I took my children on holidays as he could not get away from work, the day before we were to fly back home he called me and said he had moved out, I was devastated. The 12 days I was gone he had called to express how much he missed me and loved me. Turns out as he admitted he had planned to move out 2 weeks before I had left, I had no clue. I returned home heartbroken and confused.

We started talking soon after and decided that with more communication we could work things out, he moved back in. at this time I put my career on hold to help him get his office in order, he was controlling and humiliated me daily when I was not doing things “his way”, I also discovered through his email that he had been corresponding with many women, mostly x girlfriends, it became clear to me that this man constantly needed his ego stroked by other women! When I approached him with this he got angry and said that it was MY problem that I did not trust him.

Now, I started to attend meeting with him, he actually convinced me that I had a drinking problem and If I did not attend meeting I was doomed. I had previously attended meetings with him as to support him, but now I was in the program as a alcoholic? It was only a few weeks before I fully realized that I was definitely not an alcoholic but still chose not to drink to keep the peace. A few weeks ago it was my best friends birthday , she stopped over with a small bottle of wine and we shared a glass, I put the rest of the bottle was in the back of a drawer and decided that I was full grown woman who did nothing wrong. I had been planning a surprise weekend trip for him which was quite expensive and non-refundable, I was so exited!!

2 days before the trip he stormed into the room with the wine bottle and proudly stated that “he had caught me”, I explained to him that it was “nothing” – a simple glass of wine with a girlfriend and that I should have mentioned this to him, he would hear not of it, he left immediately, leaving me to take the trip by myself!! I was once again devastated. The evening that I returned from the tip he texted me to enquire if I was home yet and how much he loved me. I was very disappointed and hurt and did not return his message.

A week later he showed up at my door with a furnace filter and some leftover food from a AA pool party he was at that day. I was stunned. Again, he claimed that we could work things out and stayed for 3 days. He admitted that he knew a week before the birthday trip that he was not going to go as he had found the wine bottle many days before he confronted me with it. I was shocked that for the week previous to the trip he acted soooo excited knowing full well that he was not going. The third night he stayed over his phone went off a 6 am, I picked it up, it was a “female friend” who wanted to meet him at the gym. I took a quick peek at his messages and noticed that there was many women that he was “corresponding” with, nothing sexual, just the usual feeding his ego scenario, oh, and a up coming meeting with an X whom he wanted to make amends with. I confronted him, he bolted out of bed exclaiming that I had serious problems that “he could not fix” and left.

Now, I can assure you that I do not have serious problems, I am very spiritual woman who has a heart of gold. I am now left completely confused and heart broken, I love this man deeply and miss him terribly (yes I know, why???) I loved him unconditional and tolerated his bad behavior as I felt that he indeed needed to advance in his recovery, I was willing to work through any issues, out of love, he on the other bolted every time things did not go his way. I have not heard from him in a week, he is 47 and living at his mothers now, I know I need the time to heal, so this is a good thing, thank god I have very supportive friends and family.

For the world of me I cannot understand how he can just walk away from all the love he professed to have for me, is he hurting, punishing me, perhaps drinking again??? Please advise….. (and thank-you).

Taking5

There is nothing you can do to fix him or the relationship. I have no way of knowing if he is drinking again, but what if he was? You keep taking him back. It is time to move on with your life and take care of you and your kids.

prodigal

I read the situations and interactions that occurred in your post. Can you explain what it is you deeply love about a man who appears to manipulate you with guilt and wants to control you? He also leaves as soon as things aren't going exactly the way he wishes. So what traits has he exhibited and what characteristics does he posess that you love?

I don't know the man, so I cannot answer why he would leave again. From your post, it appears to be his way of not dealing with situations. He just walks away from them. As far as hurting you and punishing you, it appears he has already done plenty of that.

I could sit and tell an A they're addicted to alcohol til the cows come home; it would not get them into an AA meeting or a rehab unless they decided they were an A and wanted recovery.

I think you should look at why YOU allowed someone to drag you to AA meetings when you don't believe you have any problems with drinking. It sounds to me as if you are a casual social drinker. Perhaps you should have set a boundary when this started and told your bf you did not want to attend AA meetings. People only have control over us if we allow it.

naive

hello girlfriday-

if it was me, i suppose what would bother me the most in all of your story is that he is not forthcoming about his plans/decisions. you cite two incidents: his moving out, and your planned trip together. both of these he knew in advance but did not inform you.

one of the cornerstones of AA is honesty. your man doesn't sound very honest. i wonder if he has fully embraced his recovery? his behavior sounds very manipulative and controlling.

it is not uncommon at all for the addict to project onto us and say we have a problem also. if you want to stop drinking to support his recovery, i feel that is fine but if he is pressuring you to stop, that's another thing altogether.

girlfriday

Thank-you for the insight thus far, I have no intentions of resuming our relationship after being treated so disrepectfully. Also, I know that I had to take a serious look at why I tolerated this bad behaviour. My perspective is that I loved this man "unconditionally" knowing that this was his "stuff" and desperately hoped he would get it together, I now know that I cannot fix him or fully understand the scope of his recovery. Thanks...

Daisy30

HI! Have you tried al-anon? It is for those of us who are friends and familes of an alcoholic. We give support to one another whether the alcoholic is drinking or not You are welcome even if you no longer have contact with the A.

I am glad you are evaluating why you tolerated this behavior from him. Do you really want to be with someone who treats you this way? Your relationship is still fresh. This is who he is. You have to be willing to accept that.

I think often times we fall "in love" with "the man they could be" or "will be" or with the right guidance "the man I can make them". I know I was always falling in love with a dream....the package looked good, but once I opened it It wasn't really what I wanted.

(((((hugs)))))

baggervance

If this guy has done such a terrible job runing his life why would you let him run yours. I wouldnt give a thought about al-anon or AA there are good men out there who arent addicts and alcoholics. You said you met him at 6 months sober he didnt know **** then sounds like he hasnt learned **** since. Just move on and forget this jerk.

naive

baggervance-

i'm confused why you are recommending that girlfriday not attend alanon?

most of us here have benefitted from alanon. just because girlfriday is clear of this alchoholic, doesn't mean that she won't get involved with another one, if her issues remained unaddressed.

plus, it sounds as if she is still dealing with the ramifications of her previous alcoholic, which alanon would be helpful in facing.

baggervance

If she is gonna stay involved with alcoholics sure I guess alanon, but if she attends alanon over this guy is she not letting him still have power over her. Im in AA but sometimes I think 12 steppers get into a program an they are like a born agin christians they want to save the world, do as I do. I never have pushed my program or sobrity on any one, do some people I know need AA yeah I think so and if they ask me for help I'll help. I never liked it when people changed and then came to tell me I needed to change also. I wasnt trying to be mean and Im still not this was my opinion and it dont mean nothing after all I'm just a addict and alcoholic. I thouht she was looking for some addicts point of veiw sorry I'll butt out after all I know nothing about alanon. I hope it works out for you Girlfriday.

sandrawg

I actually got more out of codependents anonymous than I did al-anon, but that's just me. The al-anon meetings I went to seemed more geared towards adult children of alcoholics. I was picking 'em, I wasn't stuck with them by birth. But that's just me.

Daisy30

I do not want to get into an alanon debate It works for some people.

Girlfriday~ What most people recommend is that you try at least 6 meetings. Also try many different meeting to find the right "fit".

I love my al-anon group. They are very diverse and and yet we have a common thread. It has been very beneficial in my own recovery. I have learned so much through the program. And It's FREE

girlfriday

thanks
If I were to stay with him I would attend alanon, however, I do not intend to stay with him and certainly would NOT get involved with another A!!!

that was 14 months of my life I will never get back. he can sadly move on to his next victim...