chat log btwn me and my xabf

Old 07-12-2009, 11:07 AM
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chat log btwn me and my xabf

Ok, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent, and I had to censor some of the more objectionable language. I re-read this IM log from September, and man, this captures perfectly, I think, the codie-alcoholic dance me and my xabf used to engage in.

I hope it helps you guys, and maybe a lot of you can relate. I went through and dissected and analyzed it to pick out the patterns-my post-breakup thoughts are in parentheses.

*****
him: Im sorry if i was being to defensive **I love you, and I want this relationship to be a happy one. *

me: I'm sorry if I was being too naggy.

9:43 PM*him: I understand why your concerned, but i need you to have other flag colors for god sakes... ya know **yellow please**i understand the pattern your talking about
9:44 PM*its VERY VERY VERY VERY hard for me to live where i do*
(***1st excuse for drinking)

me: I don't feel that it being hard living where you do is an excuse to go drinking w/your friends **if anything**it's the opposite **don't drink**save your money
9:45 PM*so you can get out**why don't you go hang out with e**** or something **
find someone else who has a car**go to a movie or something *
(***codie alert, me trying to find a solution to his “problem”)

him: because when shes HOME FOR THE NIGHT... shes home for the night **and doesnt leave*

me: why is it always, go out drinking at bars??
9:46 PM*you want to do that once or twice a week, ok fine, but all the time?*

him: because its something to do, other than sit around a depressing house with stoners drinking a beer or something **not all the time*
(***look at the mentality: drinking is a recreational activity? Like having a hobby? Also he is minimizing his usage here)

me: why is everything centered around drinking? *

him: i realized how much money i wasted doing that *

me: I'm concerned about how much you seem to be drinking lately, too.
9:47 PM*it's looking like an everyday thing
(***how many times did I express this concern? Too many. And so have his parents, etc.)

9:48 PM*him: this is a difficult subject to explain **i know when i drink alot and i know when im regulating it**you where not there last night **you didnt see the shots i passed up on**you didnt see the captain morgans i didnt want that d** had **offered me*
(***oh wow, you turned down 1 or 2 drinks! Ok, I guess that means you’re NOT an alcoholic.)
9:51 PM*I want to be able to just leave work at a resonable time*

me: well, I'm telling you *him: and arrive where i want when i want *me: you will never be able to save up the money for your car **if you're going out w/n*** and d****buying everyone drinks *
(***codie: me trying to manage his finances, and convince him not to go to the bar so much)

him: 100% understood
9:52 PM*me: what are those guys besides drinking buddies **I mean, you don't seem to do anythign else with them**also d** has a DUI
(***I should’ve seen this as a red flag early on…all of his male “friends” are really just drinking buddies. One has a DUI, the other is a raging alcoholic who’s close to hitting bottom)


9:53 PM*him: i dont know how to answer those questions *
(deflection)

me: that night we all went to redondo **N*** ALMOST drove drunk.**fortunately he got out and let me drive **do you think that makes me feel very secure?**thinking you might be riding around w/someone who's driving drunk? **I'm just trying to get you to see my point of view is all.**you don't have to answer.
(***if I don’t want to have to battle with 2 trashed guys to get the keys to the car cuz they’re both too faced to drive, I should find someone who doesn’t get that trashed…right???)

him: yeha **to be honest*me:
him: sometimes i get a ride home from them
9:56 PM*and a beer**and when im at work this late, i kinda want a beer **i dont NEED the beer**i dont have beer at home *
(***this is probably a lie-the house where he lived waas always well stocked with SOMEONE’S alcohol, even if it wasn’t his. Notice the, “I don’t NEED a beer, I just WANT one. DENIAL”)

me: I just thought things were going to be different when we got back together. *
(***nothing changes if nothing changes, right???)

me: and why do I have to debate all of this? it's like you're defending yourself yet again **you're not on trial here**I'm just trying to explain to you *


10:00 PM*him: i dont know what to tell you**im gonna walk home *
me: fine, well I need to see actions supporting the words. **I would rather you didn't walk home**it's so late now
(***this one makes me laugh! What was I, his mother????)

10:01 PM*him: the drinking plans where canceled **ill just go sit on my a** and listen to every one bs eachother at the house**because i have NOTHING TO DO **and i bet your thinking "dont try and guilt trip me"**but unfortunately thats how i feel, and i litteraly have nothing to do
(***a friend of mine in AA says boredom is a common excuse among a’s to drink)

10:02 PM*me: I don't understand why it's nothing to do versus go to a bar **there are a lot of things in between there**? *

him: $6 will buy me a beer, it sure wont buy me a new computer, or a bedroom **its depressing**it crawls undermyskin
10:03 PM*and i resort to drinking because its so f*** annoying that the only way i can handle living there is if im drunk or high **and getting high is out of the question**i hate
(***drinking is a coping mechanism for him-this seemeed totally foreign to me)

me: you don't usu have just one beer *
him: i cant just scoot to your neck of the woods right now **i would if i could**and i cant **so i leave**i leave the house *

me: or I might buy that argument **:-P**look **you're not in a happy situation**I get that **but drinking or getting high to deal with it is irresponsible**I've been in difficult living situations **I didn't get high or drink to deal w/it*

him: i f***** hate it **so i get f**** up**or drunk 10:04 PM*and play video games**untill some one p***s me off *

me: yeah well that's how people become alcoholics, is drinking cuz they're depressed *
(***I wasn’t facing at this time that he already WAS one)

him: and then i go get more beer, or better, some rum *

me: there's always an excuse, right? *

him: im a happy drunk the majority of the time *

me: you drink at MY house…*

him: lightly**i used to get drunk drunk at your house **hangover drunk
10:05 PM*i made the bloody merry, i wasnt putting a whole lot in them. barely enough to taste it **one i did make a little to strong*

me: well only at parties or if we went out to bars *
(***now I’m caught up in the minimizing game cuz I’m starting to feel bad for nagging. Only at bars or parties…well, we went to those places 90 percent of the time!)

him: yeah**i didnt raid your beer stash *

me: do you see the problem with your argument...

10:06 PM*him: how many empty beer bottles did you have after this weekend *

me: you're saying you get drunk to deal w/the f**** up scene at bobby's *
(***here’s me trying to use logic yet again)

him: no im not making an arguemtn **im tired of arguing *
(***at this point I think he’s getting tired of the badgering and wants to end it)

me: yet you used to get really drunk at my place too *

him: :P**yeah i used to **and i realized that it takes a tole on our relationship and my body**and i dont like it **thats why i ddint get wasted last night**and turned down shots of whiskey and drank slowly

me: then I don't see that you can blame the situation at your house for that **no, you didn't sound wasted on the phone last night.*

him: i got a little drunk at *****but by the time i got home i wasnt still sh**faced drunk*

me: ok, fine...

all I've seen the last 2 weeks is...**N*** and d** come over, and suddenly you're sounding weird on the phone while I'm at the dresden room w/g**** and his friends **then you go out w/them Friday and drink**then out with me Saturday and drink *
him: i was half in the bag before they showed up 10:11 PM*
me: then you drink bloody marys on sunday **then you go out w/them AGAIN on Monday and drink**and then want to go out with them again tonight and drink! **I'm like, ok, this is too much*
him: ill drink em virgin if it bothers you **s*****ive been drinking those since i was 6 at the Hmaburger Hamlet in brentwood
(***pathetic, half a**’d appeasement)
10:12 PM*i hate to tell you this**i hate to admit that i have no release. **none*
(***another common excuse for a’s…”I need some sort of release”..drinking as a release from stress)

me: but when it gets to be every other night *

him: i CANT smoke weed **not at all*me: it makes me feel uncomfortable *
him: f*** me up badly *

me: so what???*
(***I’m thinking, huh? At this point…you’re drinking because you can’t get high? So, it’s either drink or get high, to deal with a bad situation. There are no other options?? I can’t even make sense of this type of thinking, but it is a typical addict thought process.)

him: so what? *

me: what does that matter?10:13 PM*why the **** do you think you HAVE to do a drug or get high? *

him: obvioulsy not to you *

me: do something else to deal with your living situation*
(***now I’m engaging in the most unproductive activity a codie can engage in. Trying to teach an addict how to re-learn copiing mechanisms.)

him: i get bored**im BORED **im bored with life**over it *

me: I don't handle my problems or my boredom by getting high or drunk! *
(***that’s cuz I’m not an alcoholic…)

him: is it that hard to understand **it makes perfect sense to me*

me: what? **if that is how you handle your problems, we don't have much of a future.*

him: i like to have a beer, and play video games **well*

me: you act like it's a given **that people just deal w/their problems by getting f**** up10:14 PM*no...that's addict behavior **I deal w/my problems*

him: does it interfear with my life... nope *

me: by going to the gym**or getting therapy **YES*

him: maybe if i drink to much *
(***once again, minimizing)

me: it's interfering with your life RIGHT NOW. **ok?*
(***at this point, I’m feeling totally unheard and that he doesn’t understand, the problems the drinking has caused in our relationship are an ‘interference in his life.’ I felt like I was banging my head against the wall.)

________

Whenever I start to miss my ex, I go back and read this...it helps it really sink in that, we are in 2 different worlds. As long as he maintains this mentality of denial, he's nowhere near hitting bottom or acknowledging his alcoholism.
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:18 AM
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This exchange happened almost a year ago. Why are you still obsessing about him? I suggest you delete the exchanges and all emails and move on with your life. Leaving doesn't do a lot of good if you still obsess over him.
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:26 AM
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Did you not read what I wrote that, I'm posting this because it might help someone else who's in the same situation I was in?

I'm not obsessing over him. Not in the least.

We only broke up just a little over ONE week ago-I'd hardly call, thinking about someone you JUST broke up with, obsessing...

I'm on this board because i'm codependent and somehow I ended up in a relationship with an alcoholic for two years. I think it's a good idea to go back and look at the dynamic between us so I don't repeat the same mistakes next time!!

Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
This exchange happened almost a year ago. Why are you still obsessing about him? I suggest you delete the exchanges and all emails and move on with your life. Leaving doesn't do a lot of good if you still obsess over him.
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:47 AM
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My apologies.
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:59 PM
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hi sandra-

i've had conversations like that one. if rereading that helps remind you why you split, then i would keep returning to it in your weaker moments. sometimes, when a bit of time elapses, we forget what it was actually like.

once, when me and my xABF had a fight, he threw three of my mangos out the window into the parking lot. when i woke in the morning, the mangos were sitting there smashed. that's the image i pull back into my head during my weak moments. it's just a reminder of the craziness to me.

naive
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Old 07-12-2009, 03:11 PM
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Oh hunny, you really put time into this one, eh?

You deserve a FUN night doing something you love to do that doesn't involve an *******.

I'm all about finding the positives in ****** situations and the positive I came up with here is that hopefully, next time you find yourself in that glorious phase of entering into a prospective love affair you'll be able to spot red flags and prevent yourself from making the same mistake twice.

In the meantime, check out a movie, go dancing, read a trashy novel, and pamper yourself - you deserve it!

Hugs & support,
Rachel
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Old 07-12-2009, 03:50 PM
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Here's the phrase that finally got me out of having these conversations with my A loved ones:
"Don't hold back."

And then I did an about face and looked at myself and my options and my problems and focused on me. AlAnon was a big help here.

Things got much much better and different pretty quickly.

I could not stomach a conversation like this ever again! It's all about him and his drinking. YUK!!

I am glad you are putting this behind you sandrawg! In hindsight isn't it just so INSANE??!!!

peace-
b
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Old 07-13-2009, 02:08 AM
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Yeah, I remember the night my ex smashed my phone AND his computer in a drunken tirade.

I re-read this chat log specifically, and only this chat log, because when he did cocaine a few weeks back, I was looking for something older to send to him, to show him "hey, i've mentioned your drinking before and nothing is changing." I dug it up by doing a search in ***** for "drinking'" or "bar" or something like that (lol) and re-sent it to him as a reminder.

But as I was looking through it, it just hammered home how much in denial I was back then, about my own codependency issues and his alcoholism.

It's like I was in a fog that him doing cocaine while drunk, yet another time, had to shake me out of.

I don't ever want to end up like that again.

Originally Posted by naive View Post
hi sandra-

i've had conversations like that one. if rereading that helps remind you why you split, then i would keep returning to it in your weaker moments. sometimes, when a bit of time elapses, we forget what it was actually like.

once, when me and my xABF had a fight, he threw three of my mangos out the window into the parking lot. when i woke in the morning, the mangos were sitting there smashed. that's the image i pull back into my head during my weak moments. it's just a reminder of the craziness to me.

naive
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Old 07-13-2009, 02:10 AM
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Yes, yes totally insane, Bernadette.

What a waste of time--and I had so many similar conversations with the theme "I'm concerned about your drinking." Ugh!

Originally Posted by Bernadette View Post
Here's the phrase that finally got me out of having these conversations with my A loved ones:
"Don't hold back."

And then I did an about face and looked at myself and my options and my problems and focused on me. AlAnon was a big help here.

Things got much much better and different pretty quickly.

I could not stomach a conversation like this ever again! It's all about him and his drinking. YUK!!

I am glad you are putting this behind you sandrawg! In hindsight isn't it just so INSANE??!!!

peace-
b
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Old 07-13-2009, 02:12 AM
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Aw, thanks! Yeah, it's amazing, I was feeling so sad and missing him the first few days, but now 1 week and a couple days after our breakup, I don't really miss him so much.

I've been going out with my friends and distracting myself by spending time with people who are actually capable of loving me and it feels good!

Thanks for your nice message.

Originally Posted by 123bubblegum123 View Post
Oh hunny, you really put time into this one, eh?

You deserve a FUN night doing something you love to do that doesn't involve an *******.

I'm all about finding the positives in ****** situations and the positive I came up with here is that hopefully, next time you find yourself in that glorious phase of entering into a prospective love affair you'll be able to spot red flags and prevent yourself from making the same mistake twice.

In the meantime, check out a movie, go dancing, read a trashy novel, and pamper yourself - you deserve it!

Hugs & support,
Rachel
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