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Hi - I'm new, and confused (long post!)

Old 07-10-2009, 03:17 PM
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Hi - I'm new, and confused (long post!)

Hi,

I'm new to posting, but not to viewing. I thought I'd share my story in part to see if anyone else has experienced something similar, and also maybe as a therapeutic way to try to move past the situation. My ex fiance was a recovering addict, but it seems like there's more folks on this panel, so thought I'd try to reach a wide audience of people (will also post on the family of addicts site).
My ex-fiance and I were engaged for several months and had been in a loving and wonderful relationship for just over two years. He was an extremely attentive partner, worked hard on his grad studies, was tuned-in to his family and mine. As far as I could tell (we saw each other faithfully on the w/e's since we lived about 3 hours away, and spoke every day) he was loyal, supportive and responsible. All of my friends and family adored him as I did. Though he had really only one close friend (wo he would bend over backwards for), most people would see him as an exceptional and special individual, unbelievably sweet and kind.
About a year into the relationship he tearfully confessed to me that he was addicted to opiates...just like one of his parents who actually got him hooked. He never showed any signs of intoxication and always seemed levelheaded. He had started taking sub to get off the opiates (oxy), but became addicted to that. He told me of his plan to get help and how very badly he wanted to get off the stuff so he could fully live as the man he wanted to be. I'm a stable and responsible professional and talked it through with my therapist so I could make the right decision in the situation...I agreed to stay with him given that he had a decent plan to recovery and he was following through with it - plus I loved him and he was my best friend. He went into a week of 1 hour outpatient therapy sessions, followed by weekly NA/AA meetings...all the while he continued to work on his studies/school responsibilities without missing a beat. I went to a few NA meetings with him to support him. He never was a believer of the 12 step program though b/c he's an atheist and had doubts about the program working, felt that it was more of a cult, which made him nervous. He seemed fine with going to the discussion meetings once a week. He relapsed three months later after seeing the addicted parent one weekend (who conveniently left the drugs out for him knowing he had quit), again confessed and promised to step it up and work the program/do the steps. He continued with his weekly meeting here and there, but stopped his therapy sessions since he didn't feel he was getting to deeper underlying issues, but promised to start up again once he was done with school and could find someone more qualified. Also, he was highly focused on completing his dissertation and wrapping up with school. He proposed to me, I accepted - we were happy, I thought.
6 months later, as soon as he finished with school, about to start his new job as a professional, plan our wedding and moved in with me - all the things he so, so actively pushed for ....he left out of the blue. One morning we were planning out the weekend activities and talking about making dinner that evening...I came home from work and he announced he was leaving and took the ring back. He said he loved me and I was the woman for him...but love isn't enough and there was no emotional connection, and nothing could change that. Needless to say, I was in shock - my friends and family just as devastated. He never told me of this, he always made a point to tell me what a terrific match we were. He impulsively left without a plan of even getting his things out of my home, where he would live or changing his address (he was still getting his checks sent to my home!). He had recently confessed to me when he moved in that he had started smoking cigarettes behind my back and I told him I was concerned with him being dishonest about that, but he said he wasn't using drugs again...I believe that since he had been on a more regular sleeping schedule and had recently gained a lot of weight since he quit (he was slender when on the opiates) and sounded very clearheaded.
We spoke once after that. He left to go back to his parents homes (they live separately) for a few weeks before starting his new job in my city. Also, both parents now had drugs in their home as his other, sober parent had recently had back trouble. I cut off contact with him (don't think he had any issue with that) but he acted like a totally different person towards me during the exchange of our belongings. His mother called me once right after he left and expressed her concerns about him relapsing, though I never heard from her again once he went to stay with her. I could never imagine that he would ever do this, he was always dedicated to our relationship. He asked not only the ring back, but other joint gifts we received... he was behaving like I was the one that left him out of nowhere. I never got an apology. I'm about to turn 35...was planning a family with this person, and never thought he could be capable of just leaving without a warning. I"m not without faults of my own, but felt what we had deserved a little more respect.
So, I guess I have trouble making sense of the situation, if it's behavior of an addict or just one of those things. I keep wondering if it was just the addict that cared for me and now that he's clean and in reality, I'm yesterdays news. I'm working through moving past this situation, and I think this post is maybe part of that, but still am trying to get my arms around it.
Ringlet
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shil2587 (12-24-2013)
Old 07-10-2009, 04:07 PM
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Hi Ringlet! Welcome! There's a lot of caring and support here-glad you joined us. I don't think alcoholism and opiate addiction are all that different, not from what I've learned. Addiction is addiction, pure and simple-the mechanism is the same, it's just (as someone told me, can't recall whom) "the method of delivery is different"-drink alcohol vs. pop (or snort) a pill.

I broke up with my ex Friday and the next 3 days, I spent trying to make sense of his behavior. Now i've moved on from that. Maybe it's like, moving into the Kubler-Ross stages of grief (if you're familiar with that concept).

Now I've reached acceptance of his condition, and acceptance that we can't be together. I love him, and it hurts like the devil to be without him, but I'm steadfast in my determination to craft a better life for myself.

I'm so sorry that he left you like this--so suddenly, wiht very little explanation. I know you must be in tremendous pain. Maybe he had already started using again and didn't want you to know, so he left.

Unfortunately, I don't think anyone here can tell you exactly what was going through his head, I wish they could.. but maybe people can share their similar experiences, and you can gain comfort from that.
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Old 07-10-2009, 04:29 PM
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I'm sorry this has happened to you and I know how confused you are. Nothing an addict does makes any sense and they constantly contradict themselves. I am no mind-reader (and much of what you drive yourself crazy doing when you have an addict in your life is try to read their minds) but it sounds to me like he has done you one huge favor. My first inclination, given that it appears that you are merely confused and bewildered at this point, and haven't yet been sucked into his sick world, is to thank your lucky stars and move on with your life. He will become more and more contradictory, nothing he does will make any sense to you, and you won't be able to reconcile his words with his behaviors. You will drive yourself insane.

My dear brother, my best friend for life, became addicted to these prescription pain meds when he had back surgery at age 23. He kept it hidden from me and our family for many years, and by the time it became obvious, it was way too late. He is now 38 years old and has JUST gotten clean. And it's a wait-see with our fingers crossed, holding our breath, from here on out.

Don't let the fact that they're "just" prescription drugs fool you; they are as insidious as any street drug like heroin or crack cocaine. An addict will do anything to get the drug and that becomes their ONLY motivation in life. And when they can't get their drug of choice, they will use anything and everything to tide them over until they can.

My brother (and his wife) had multiple surgeries just to get prescriptions! He was arrested for forging prescriptions, which he had done for years. He wrote prescriptions in multiple people's names. She (the wife) was an ER nurse and would steal pain meds to shoot up at home. They would crush pills and somehow shoot them up. When all the sources for getting these pain meds ran dry, they took to buying (and selling) street drugs: heroin, crack, powder, whatever. It didn't matter. It didn't matter that they didn't (and couldn't) pay their bills anymore and that their home was in foreclosure.
It didn't matter that they had three small children at home either. She would actually take her kids on drug deals! My brother hasn't seen his children in YEARS. He abandoned them (for the most part) when he got arrested 5 years ago, and after that left town and hasn't seen them in at least two and a half years.

As they say in Al-Anon: YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN’T CURE IT, AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT. If I were you, I would go to the library or do a web search and read about CoDependence (start with Melody Beattie) to educate yourself. See if codependence applies to you and if it does, try Al-Anon. But any way you slice it, I would run like hell.
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Old 07-10-2009, 05:56 PM
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So sad about your brother, Learn2Live. I had heard similar horror stories about painkiller addiction.

Frankly, it makes me frightened to ever have a surgery or anything where they might prescribe that stuff for me. Sometimes I get migraine and someone wants to give me a Vicodin--oh man, I run away in fear.
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Old 07-10-2009, 07:21 PM
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Wow this must be awful for you. I'm so sorry. It's so hard for a woman to move on with no "closure". It's upsetting that he didn't give you a reason for leaving. I also get the feeling that he may have started reusing and didn't want to dissapoint you.

But on the flip side, maybe he felt he couldn't express himself after he got off the pills. I know my XABF could only be emotional and expressive of his feelings while drinking. When I look back, every moment of "bliss" and happiness were while he was drinking. He even told me he loved me for the first time while drunk. When he would go through his dry periods due to my nagging, he would be withdrawn, crabby and unemotional. He obviously felt the need to drink so he could express himself. So maybe your X felt so happy and in love with you because he was high. Then, when he stopped, he couldn't feel the same way anymore. I'm not sure if I expressed that correctly. When I am drinking, I feel way more lovey dovey with whomever I'm with. Since I'm not an addict, I know what's real and what's not while sober. But to the addict, they only know how they feel when their high or drunk. They lose the ability to discern real feelings because the drug of choice motivates their every emotion.

Now thats just based on my own experience. Every experience is different and I'm still learning. Just thought I'd throw my 2 cents in. I hope you begin to move forward and realize that there are so many other people out there who deserve your love. My Mom said to me today, I'll bet you wouldn't be so depressed if you had a boyfriend. This sounds silly, but she told me that she knows I'm not ready to move on yet, but eventually that day will come. And when I'm ready to find someone, I won't miss him as much because I don't really miss HIM. I miss the IDEA of HIM. I agreed and it helped me feel much better for at least the moment.
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Old 07-10-2009, 08:51 PM
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Sandrawg, Lear2Live, luciddreamgirl:
Thank you so much for your comments. They are so helpful. I do feel fortunate to be out of the situation now...especially after reading so many of the posts on this forum from others. In many ways I feel a ton of relief not having to worry any longer...worry about the dishonesty (he would withhold information about big and small things), worry that he might relapse or hurt himself, worry that life as a responsible man might be too much for him. Often it was like dealing with a child...concerned that he might not sleep well (he was a major insomniac and if he was up for even an extra hour it would bother him intensively the whole next day, he had to take sleeping meds at night), that he might not be able to deal with responsibility after being in a school program for 6 years (he never worked a real 9-5 and depended on his family to subsidize his lifestyle), that he wasn't dealing with his emotions/depression well (he has several tantrums and recently was talking about some really bazaar topics/going on tangents), inability to set any boundaries with his inappropriate parents and his one other friend (he always put them first, before me and before him), and concern that he wasn't taking his sobriety seriously enough....he recently started drinking socially again, which was a real worry since he quit all substances once he cleaned up. *I'm painting a pretty grim picture here, which is not the entire story...he was a really tender and sensitive person in many of his deeds and ideas, and I think full of good intentions.
Lucid: What you say makes so much sense about him being "in love" when he was high and not dealing with sober reality/emotions - it's really hard to know the feelings he had were drug induced, but that does seem to ring true. Super disturbing to think drugs were at the core of our romance. Maybe that's what he meant by a lack of "emotional connection"..the high wasn't there anymore when the drugs were gone. I think the toughest part is the way he so quickly left...it was totally out of character and he deceptive, and I never thought he'd be the type of man that would do something like that to anyone, let alone me.
Lear2Live - I'm so sorry about your brother. It makes me so sad to read that story. That must be torture to go through and I'm so sorry that you and he had/have to experience that pain and sadness, especially for so many years...so much trauma for everyone, and having children involved even more difficult. I am going to look at some co-dependent resources to see if that might be applicable.
Sandrawg: your courage is an inspiration to me. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
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Old 07-11-2009, 07:03 AM
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Hello Ringlet. Welcome to the boards.

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have been there with my SO and his pill addiction. What has happened to you is not unusual for your situation. Please Please do NOT personalize what has happened. It has nothing to do with you. This is about HIM wanting to do drugs. I would bet money that if he was hiding his smoking that he is hiding ALOT more then you even realize.

Its tragic how the addict turns into something completely different when on drugs. Took me a long time to come to the realization that drugs can and do change people for the worse.

When my SO and I split I spent months trying to figure out or get closure or wrap my brain around what happened. I spent a good long time blaming myself too. I couldnt get to the place where I could just say he is an addict and he is doing what addicts do.

He went into rehab and stayed clean for a few months. Then I could hear his addict thoughts coming out. He was saying things like he could control it now if he took the pills again and that he learned his lesson blah blah. I knew then that its was only a matter of time before he used again.

I stepped way back and let him fall on his own. That was so painful. This whole ride has been horrible. Just horrible. But that relapse ended up being a blessing in disquise because it allowed him to find out for himself that he needed to quit and finally he did.

Looking back if I could change anything about this situation I would have changed ME. I kept trying to fix him and it never worked. I kept trying to make him see and it never worked. I wish that I would have detached sooner and started working on me.

Addiction is baffling and cunning and we as the loved ones are left with so many different emotions.

You will find lots of support here. Keep posting and reading. And remember please that NONE of this is your fault. He is an addict doing what addicts do.
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Old 07-11-2009, 07:25 AM
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Hi Ringlet,

I am so sorry for your situation. The shock you must feel right now is probably intense.

Your situation is very to what happened between my exabf and me last fall. He did an about-face after 4 years and a proposal and... Feel free to PM me if you want.

Hugs

Miss
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Old 07-14-2009, 11:31 AM
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Thanks EVERYBODY for all your posts. I feel strongly supported today because of them (a big change from yesterday).

Two things I just want to add Ringlet:

First is that I relate to EVERYTHING you are saying, and have thought, and been pained by, EVERY DETAIL you have posted. We are basically talking about the same man.

Second, you probably won't get closure from him because that is just the way they are. My immediate XABF is the EXACT same way-he is 48 years old and has been doing that (moving on to a new woman without telling the person he has been intimately involved with for years) for as long as I have known him, that is, since he was about 25 years old. He has no idea what he has been doing, even though I have told him this about himself repeatedly.

I know you would like your feelings to be acknowledged and validated but that probably will not come from him. You could have a little ceremony for yourself to close out that relationship, something that has meaning for you. IDK, just an idea-I personally got a little personal validation once by throwing all his belongings out on the front yard just before it rained, and then calling him on his cell and telling him he'd better come get his stuff . It was very dramatic and felt GREAT but I wouldn't recommend it because it doesn't really help. But hey, every girl's gotta' have an empowering experience like that once in a while! LOL
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Old 07-14-2009, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Frankly, it makes me frightened to ever have a surgery or anything where they might prescribe that stuff for me. Sometimes I get migraine and someone wants to give me a Vicodin--oh man, I run away in fear.
Sandrawg,
I totally agree with you. I had Valium once when I was 19 and had 4 wisdom teeth pulled. I LOVED IT! But I was able to acknowledge that right away and swore I would NEVER take it again. And I haven't in 20+ years, except one time for a small surgical procedure. Whew!

To tell the truth, I won't even take an Advil or other ibuprofren unless I am DYING. And then, I only will take the 200 mg. That stuff will KILL YOU.
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Old 07-14-2009, 03:57 PM
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Welcome to SR!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-17-2009, 05:10 PM
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I just wanted to say thank you for all the posts. It's so helpful to get your feedback and know that some of you have experienced similar situations. I go back and forth between understanding that this is the behavior of an addict vs him just not being into the relationship after sobriety. When he left said that I was great in the relationship and that I "fixed him" from his addiction and it had nothing to do with anything I had done, but that we wouldn't be happy as we deserved long term, and that 'sometimes love isn't enough'. Like many of you said, I'll never know...the only thing I can do is move on and keep my eyes wide open for red flags of any new people entering my life. Thank you again - Ringlet
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:51 AM
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the very same thing happend to me 4 months agoq & I've yet to receive any sort of apology. I'm struggling still to find closure from it all. did he ever surface again? I think mine only loved me while high. on pills also by the way he was so quick to dump me when he was sober
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