Breakdown....Breakthrough.....Hope
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Breakdown....Breakthrough.....Hope
I have posted here so many times, literally not feeling hopeful at all, just trying to find the strength to do what I knew I had to do for my children and myself. Then yesterday afternoon I recieved a phone call which I was unprepared for....but left me hopeful...and also reminded me that God is in control and with him ALL things are possible.
My husbands boss at work can be extremely demeaning, taking all of his anger and stress out on anyone that might be around - of course my husband takes the brunt of this often. Apparently yesterday when he was at work his boss was quite irritable and started ranting about something ridiculous and just went down hill from there. My husband was FURIOUS with his boss and couldn't believe the way he was being treated to what his boss was saying.....and in that same moment HE came to a realization - like someone very clearly said to him - This is what you are doing to your wife! He said this realization hit him pretty hard, and that was when he called me.
He said I have to tell you something, I know what is wrong. Then he started talking and validated everything I believe and knew in my heart was wrong with our marriage and HE OWNED IT. Not blamed me, but broke down and owned it. Everything I had felt about what was going on, he told me it like someone had just told him....about his anger over me wanting him to stop drinking because that was his joy, him placing everything that bothered him on me etc.....without going to deep in to it - he too stress it all, he even said that HE needed counseling for himself because he did not know how to cope correctly, and used alcohol and anger for this....me being the target. WOW....I didn't explain it here a clearly and eloquently as he was able to say it on the phone, but if I would have been able to expresse exactly what I saw happening I couldn't have done it any better.
Now....I am not holding my breath on this....but this was an amazing realization for him....and I do believe that now he is prepared to make some big changes with counseling.....
So that has left me with this:
God answers prayers, at times and in ways that we can't dictate......and he does it in ways we can't necessarily imagine.....but he is ALWAYS listening and there....and at the end of the day I have hope....and that is MORE than I had before.
My husbands boss at work can be extremely demeaning, taking all of his anger and stress out on anyone that might be around - of course my husband takes the brunt of this often. Apparently yesterday when he was at work his boss was quite irritable and started ranting about something ridiculous and just went down hill from there. My husband was FURIOUS with his boss and couldn't believe the way he was being treated to what his boss was saying.....and in that same moment HE came to a realization - like someone very clearly said to him - This is what you are doing to your wife! He said this realization hit him pretty hard, and that was when he called me.
He said I have to tell you something, I know what is wrong. Then he started talking and validated everything I believe and knew in my heart was wrong with our marriage and HE OWNED IT. Not blamed me, but broke down and owned it. Everything I had felt about what was going on, he told me it like someone had just told him....about his anger over me wanting him to stop drinking because that was his joy, him placing everything that bothered him on me etc.....without going to deep in to it - he too stress it all, he even said that HE needed counseling for himself because he did not know how to cope correctly, and used alcohol and anger for this....me being the target. WOW....I didn't explain it here a clearly and eloquently as he was able to say it on the phone, but if I would have been able to expresse exactly what I saw happening I couldn't have done it any better.
Now....I am not holding my breath on this....but this was an amazing realization for him....and I do believe that now he is prepared to make some big changes with counseling.....
So that has left me with this:
God answers prayers, at times and in ways that we can't dictate......and he does it in ways we can't necessarily imagine.....but he is ALWAYS listening and there....and at the end of the day I have hope....and that is MORE than I had before.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello mentally exhausted-
i agree, when we surrender to our hp, the unexpected begins to happen...
however, don't underestimate your role in this. it is not uncommon that once the codependent starts their own recovery, the alcoholic begins to panic that they might loose their enabler.
this forum is full of stories about this. while it is great if your husband's realization leads to some ACTION, don't be tricked once again by the words you want so desperately to hear.
focus on your own recovery. he's a grown man. if he wants to go to the therapist and deal with his drinking and anger, he can. you just keep doing what is necessary for you to gain perspective and healing.
i agree, when we surrender to our hp, the unexpected begins to happen...
however, don't underestimate your role in this. it is not uncommon that once the codependent starts their own recovery, the alcoholic begins to panic that they might loose their enabler.
this forum is full of stories about this. while it is great if your husband's realization leads to some ACTION, don't be tricked once again by the words you want so desperately to hear.
focus on your own recovery. he's a grown man. if he wants to go to the therapist and deal with his drinking and anger, he can. you just keep doing what is necessary for you to gain perspective and healing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 40
It's so nice when members of this forum can share some GOOD news about what's going on their lives. I'm still very new here, but so far I know that all I've done is complain, worry and vent. I pray for the day when I am able to post a message like the one you just posted. I pray that my husband will eventually have a breakthrough like the one your husband had. Of course, in MY husband's case, I would have to wonder if he was just telling me what he knew I wanted to hear. I hope your husband's breakdown and apology was sincere, though. You seem to believe it was, so that is good. I hope he stays true to his words and is able to start on the path to recovery. In the meantime, what everyone here says is so true: You really do need to take care of yourself. I used to HATE hearing that, but I'm learning more and more every day just how necessary it is to focus on ourselves. I wish you the best.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
This is good news. Now whether he did have an epiphany or not is yet to be seen.
This is where you continue to work on you, sit back and WATCH HIS ACTIONS.
I will send some good thoughts and prayers for you and your family and that AH follows through on his words.
Love and hugs,
This is where you continue to work on you, sit back and WATCH HIS ACTIONS.
I will send some good thoughts and prayers for you and your family and that AH follows through on his words.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Revelations are what we make of them. Whatever fates, gods, or the universe brought this light into his clouded thinking makes no nevermind, right? As long as he hears the call and follows it.
I agree that your recovery is foremost for you, so shall his recovery be for him.
Be an example to him that actions speak louder than words, that compassion can be given without condoning, and that living amends goes beyond any apology.
I certainly hope for him, that this is the first step in his recovery, and I also hope that whatever form that takes, you aren't waiting for him in finding yours.
Best wishes!
Alice
I agree that your recovery is foremost for you, so shall his recovery be for him.
Be an example to him that actions speak louder than words, that compassion can be given without condoning, and that living amends goes beyond any apology.
I certainly hope for him, that this is the first step in his recovery, and I also hope that whatever form that takes, you aren't waiting for him in finding yours.
Best wishes!
Alice
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Isn't that what this forum is here for, though? Complaining, worrying and venting? lol
Yeah, that was always my problem with mx ex. I felt like he was always just telling me what I wanted to hear. And it wasn't just about the alcohol. I was worried about an exgf who was pursuing him while we were together. He poo-poo'ed even the possibility that he'd end up with her--she was crazy, a pothead, etc.
Well, guess who he ended up with, the first time I broke up with him over doing coke?????? Then I found out later he'd been talking to her behind my back and telling me he hadn't been contacting her at all...etc.
Yeah, that messes with your head too much, the "what he says" vs. "what he means" game. I'm over that.
Yeah, that was always my problem with mx ex. I felt like he was always just telling me what I wanted to hear. And it wasn't just about the alcohol. I was worried about an exgf who was pursuing him while we were together. He poo-poo'ed even the possibility that he'd end up with her--she was crazy, a pothead, etc.
Well, guess who he ended up with, the first time I broke up with him over doing coke?????? Then I found out later he'd been talking to her behind my back and telling me he hadn't been contacting her at all...etc.
Yeah, that messes with your head too much, the "what he says" vs. "what he means" game. I'm over that.
Originally Posted by KittyTET 
It's so nice when members of this forum can share some GOOD news about what's going on their lives. I'm still very new here, but so far I know that all I've done is complain, worry and vent. I pray for the day when I am able to post a message like the one you just posted. I pray that my husband will eventually have a breakthrough like the one your husband had. Of course, in MY husband's case, I would have to wonder if he was just telling me what he knew I wanted to hear. I hope your husband's breakdown and apology was sincere, though. You seem to believe it was, so that is good. I hope he stays true to his words and is able to start on the path to recovery. In the meantime, what everyone here says is so true: You really do need to take care of yourself. I used to HATE hearing that, but I'm learning more and more every day just how necessary it is to focus on ourselves. I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have hope every day, hope that life will continue to get better for me because I am doing the footwork necessary in my own recovery.
I no longer attach my happiness to people, places and things. I heard far too much quacking from my EXAH, and my 31 year old AD to have hope rooted in someone else.
Life is as good as I choose to make it.
I no longer attach my happiness to people, places and things. I heard far too much quacking from my EXAH, and my 31 year old AD to have hope rooted in someone else.
Life is as good as I choose to make it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi m,
I'm new here, but reading your post reminds me of my H. He always had these sudden moments of clarity and it gave me hope. The problem is that it has taken three years and several attempts at sobriety to turn moments of clarity into real changes, baby steps...
I tell you this to let you know that it can be a step in the right direction but it may also take time. My H often refers to it this way," it is like trying to turn a ship around". It doesn't happen quickly.
I can say without a doubt that with sobriety his mind is clearer and these moments happen more easily, more often and real changes accompany. But it didn't happen right away - it was three months before there was any change in his thinking.
I'm new here, but reading your post reminds me of my H. He always had these sudden moments of clarity and it gave me hope. The problem is that it has taken three years and several attempts at sobriety to turn moments of clarity into real changes, baby steps...
I tell you this to let you know that it can be a step in the right direction but it may also take time. My H often refers to it this way," it is like trying to turn a ship around". It doesn't happen quickly.
I can say without a doubt that with sobriety his mind is clearer and these moments happen more easily, more often and real changes accompany. But it didn't happen right away - it was three months before there was any change in his thinking.
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