Can somebody explain this in detail please?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
Can somebody explain this in detail please?
Hi everyone,
I know that AA states that an alcoholic should refrain from starting a new relationship for at least a year after being sober. While it makes sense that the A needs to work on him/herself, can anybody explain this idea in greater detail to me?
Thank you!
I know that AA states that an alcoholic should refrain from starting a new relationship for at least a year after being sober. While it makes sense that the A needs to work on him/herself, can anybody explain this idea in greater detail to me?
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
I think thats pretty good advice for codependents, too.
New relationships are always full of emotional highs and lows. People trying to recover from substance abuse or codependency don't need anything rocking the boat. Early recovery is also a time of deep introspection... the time to figure out why we do what we do ... early relationships are a time when you're concentrating on someone else. Just the opposite from what we need to be doing. We can't get to know ourselves and learn to be complete and self sufficient if our concentration is on how we interact with another person.
New relationships are always full of emotional highs and lows. People trying to recover from substance abuse or codependency don't need anything rocking the boat. Early recovery is also a time of deep introspection... the time to figure out why we do what we do ... early relationships are a time when you're concentrating on someone else. Just the opposite from what we need to be doing. We can't get to know ourselves and learn to be complete and self sufficient if our concentration is on how we interact with another person.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Hi Boo,
To add to what Smoke says, I had that same question about A's who were already in a relationship and trying to recover. The first time my AH went thru treatment, I remember being told he would need to put our relationship BEHIND his recovery and I thought that was pure crap! I thought "How selfish of anyone to think that the relationship they were in should come after anything else?" Boy was I naive then.....I didn't realize how selfish I was being!!
This time when he went thru treatment, I also went to Alanon and I started listening with an open mind and heart instead of my preconceived notions about what "I" thought was best for him and me.
This time I got it: simply put, if he doesn't concentrate on his sobriety and recovery and work his program 100%, and I in turn don't work my own recovery 100%, the marriage has no chance anyway. We made a pact that we would seek marriage counselling and keep all the "heavy" stuff for the counselor's office and we would each respect each others decision when one of us needed a break, a meeting, to talk to our sponsor, etc. So far it's working fine, but I completely understand and accept that first and foremost for him has to be his recovery. It also helps that I accept and believe he has a disease, whereas last time I was convinced it was all a farce.
Take care,
To add to what Smoke says, I had that same question about A's who were already in a relationship and trying to recover. The first time my AH went thru treatment, I remember being told he would need to put our relationship BEHIND his recovery and I thought that was pure crap! I thought "How selfish of anyone to think that the relationship they were in should come after anything else?" Boy was I naive then.....I didn't realize how selfish I was being!!
This time when he went thru treatment, I also went to Alanon and I started listening with an open mind and heart instead of my preconceived notions about what "I" thought was best for him and me.
This time I got it: simply put, if he doesn't concentrate on his sobriety and recovery and work his program 100%, and I in turn don't work my own recovery 100%, the marriage has no chance anyway. We made a pact that we would seek marriage counselling and keep all the "heavy" stuff for the counselor's office and we would each respect each others decision when one of us needed a break, a meeting, to talk to our sponsor, etc. So far it's working fine, but I completely understand and accept that first and foremost for him has to be his recovery. It also helps that I accept and believe he has a disease, whereas last time I was convinced it was all a farce.
Take care,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
Thank you Smoke and Rainy. I do understand the concept for sure, it just hurts a LOT to begin a relationship with A for 2-3 intense months and then establish we are definitely boyfriend and girlfriend. The day after I returned from our trip is when he told me that he had to focus on AA and I said "lets be friends and see how it goes". He wants me to "forget about him" I don't think he REALLY does though. I think he is saying that from some low self esteem on one hand, and fear that he would waste my time-he said that. He sees alcoholism the disease as one he may or may not recover from, and seems to be acting on a worst case scenario. Rainy, I can accept it is a disease pretty easily. That is not the hard part for me. I guess for me the hard part is starting a new relationship with someone I REALLY like and then having it suddenly taken away. I wouldn't want to keep him from working on recovery but at the same time I want SOME of his attention in the sense of friendship now, and, if he does well, reconsideration of our relationship next year or when he has a good amount of sobriety. In some ways it is so easy for me to say that I could meet someone else during this time etc. but i don't want to. So, that leaves me with him busy working on himself so this is a great opportunity to work on myself too. Ther is about a 50/50 chance I am moving to Texas for a job so it would be SO hard to be in the same city and not be together. I think I'm in for one TOUGH year with all this!!!!! It already is 
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Originally posted by boo
He wants me to "forget about him" I don't think he REALLY does though.
He wants me to "forget about him" I don't think he REALLY does though.
If this man says to forget about him, then you need to forget about him. One of the worse codependent traits to have is to think that we REALLY know how they feel and that we have all the answers. Well, we don't. My husband is an addict, and since I'm not, I have NO idea how it feels to be an addict or what he goes through. My life got a lot easier when I stopped pretending I understood what it's like to walk in his shoes.
It's unfortunate that you became attached to this person after such a short time but believe me, it's a blessing that you guys aren't married and don't have kids. It doesn't even sound like you got to the "I love yous". There's just no reason for you to wait around for this guy, and trying to convince yourself he means one thing while he's saying another is just going to set you up for more heartache. You had 2-3 months of lovely bliss with this guy. Read our stories, from those of us who've been dealing with this addiction stuff for YEARS, long after the honeymoon ended and long after we stopped understanding why we continue to hang on.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I really do think it's in your best interest to move on.
Take care and hugs,
JG
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 9
Quite Simple Really
Hey Boo,
This is really quite simple.
The program of recovery is a spiritual solution to a spiritual malady. In truth it is this alanon's belief that a spiritual program and basis should ALWAYS come first.
Though hopefully one would be in a relationship that would allow one to share a spiritual life with your partner.
Additionally new relationships can often keep one from looking at oneself in the manner that the 12 steps ask. To fully recover one has to dive into the program full force, relationships can very often keep one from doing that, and ultimately just give the person one or something else to focus on.
Blessed Be
Fibilt
This is really quite simple.
The program of recovery is a spiritual solution to a spiritual malady. In truth it is this alanon's belief that a spiritual program and basis should ALWAYS come first.
Though hopefully one would be in a relationship that would allow one to share a spiritual life with your partner.
Additionally new relationships can often keep one from looking at oneself in the manner that the 12 steps ask. To fully recover one has to dive into the program full force, relationships can very often keep one from doing that, and ultimately just give the person one or something else to focus on.
Blessed Be
Fibilt
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
((Boo))
I’m going to agree with JG here, please don’t try to decipher what YOU think HE is really feeling. I spent SO much wasted time doing that same thing with my AH, instead of just taking what he said for what it was.
I think it was brave of him to be honest with you and tell you he needs to concentrate on his recovery right now. Maybe his timing wasn’t so great, by letting 3 months go by, but he said it when he was ready to say it. Also, why does the relationship have to end? Seriously, what you wrote --I wouldn't want to keep him from working on recovery but at the same time I want SOME of his attention in the sense of friendship now, and, if he does well, reconsideration of our relationship next year or when he has a good amount of sobriety—Why not tell him that?
Having the opportunity to work on yourself too is great. No one says you have to jump into another relationship, right? If you and he are supposed to be together, than your HP will sort that out for you, just give it time and some breathing room.
Hang in there and keep coming here too…
Hugs,
I’m going to agree with JG here, please don’t try to decipher what YOU think HE is really feeling. I spent SO much wasted time doing that same thing with my AH, instead of just taking what he said for what it was.
I think it was brave of him to be honest with you and tell you he needs to concentrate on his recovery right now. Maybe his timing wasn’t so great, by letting 3 months go by, but he said it when he was ready to say it. Also, why does the relationship have to end? Seriously, what you wrote --I wouldn't want to keep him from working on recovery but at the same time I want SOME of his attention in the sense of friendship now, and, if he does well, reconsideration of our relationship next year or when he has a good amount of sobriety—Why not tell him that?
Having the opportunity to work on yourself too is great. No one says you have to jump into another relationship, right? If you and he are supposed to be together, than your HP will sort that out for you, just give it time and some breathing room.
Hang in there and keep coming here too…
Hugs,
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