It's Like Banging my HEAD against the wall!
 

Ok...this really has nothing to do with alcohol...but my AH in general. We went to an amusement park yesterday....lots of fun....however we took a large group of kids and had to rent a van. Thus, when before going home, we had to return the van. This whole trip related to my AH job. Anyway, after all that we did not return home until 3:00am. So it's he and I and the kids. When we pull in, which I knew this would happen, he was tired and irritable. He picked up his things and walked inside. Forget the fact that there were 5 sleeping children in the car. I woke up the bigger ones and helped them get their shoes on to walk in, then I grabbed the baby, the diaper bag and the food so it wouldn't go bad before going in. All the while he is already in. I was tired and aggravated as well....so when I was walking up the steps, he was on the deck and I said, probablly in a not very nice way, something about why he didn't help me. He told me to quit bitching and walked in and shut the door in my face....mind you I was carrying the baby, the bag, and the food. Is there no end to this abuse!!! Of course he thinks he did nothing wrong. What is my problem.....I wouldn't do that to anybody and this is suppsoed to be a marriage. And he wonders why I am still aggravated this morning...WOW....this is killing me. Everyday...stuff like this...forget the alcohol...I don't deserve this!

There is an end, mentallyaxh, whenever you are ready, and whenever you want something better for yourself and your kids. You are right: you don't deserve this. No one does. Sending you hugs :hug: and strength to make the right choices for yourself.

Ditto what GL said. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

L

Ditto, too.

would he have chipped in to help if you had mentioned to him, before you even turned in your driveway, and given him a task - such as, "i'll grab the food, drinks, and wake the older ones. Can you wake the baby, change the diaper, and put him/her to bed?"

Would he have responded positively to that??

There must be something about you that likes the pain banging your head against the wall causes--humans don't stay in a situation unless they're getting something out of it. Is it possible you're getting something out of being the one who's capable, who is strong, who's doing the nurturing and caretaking and all the work?

Sojourner: He was already POd when we pulled in, I was afaid he'd snap if I said anything. Plus, why can't he SEE that there are OTHER PEOPLE besides himself.....and how does any of that account for his actions????
Sawdrawg: Why am I still here.....my daughter.

dear mentally exhausted-

if i was there with you, i would have helped. any decent person would have. i can't think of any excuse for you husband to not help, even if he was mad about something else or tired or whatever.

i've just reviewed all of your posts and he's doesn't appear to be getting any nicer, with drink or without it.

i'm wondering, now that it is the holidays, is there somewhere you and the kids can go and you can get some breathing space? it is very difficult to think clearly and manage oneself with this kinda of daily berating and workload not being shared. is there someone who loves you that can provide a respite?

You're staying for your daughter? Do you think the environment she's in, living with an alcoholic father who's not even there for her enough to pick her up out of the car at 3am, and a resentful, angry mother, right now is healthy?

I posted that about conversing ahead of time because 1) i have noticed that is something that the non-addict spouse needs to do in or out of recovery and 2) because we women are NOTORIOUS for having the stance of "but why do i have to ask - can't he see for himself?" Many of us females have this challenge to overcome whether we are dealing with addiction or not - it is a female brain versus male brain thing. Heck, i've had to learn to do that with my adult sons. And i've learned that timing is important too.

hope that helps...

I would suggest staying with friends or family who treat each other kindly for just a few days to remember what that feels like, what that sounds like, what that looks like.

Had a therapist say something that really shocked me. Some guys are really incredibly abusive, and think they love the person they are with, and think they are doing nothing wrong. So . . . . any doors in that wall?

I know that this is not healthy for her...or my sons. Would I want the boys to act like this? Would I want her to be treated this way? It is SO hard, I have a lot of guilt over making this mistake. ALOT

:ghug3 You don't deserve that kind of treatment. He does this because he wants to and he can. He is telling you who and what he is.

I was like you too...2 beautiful kids, nice home, etc. I was locked in a cage or so I thought. It was all him and I would complain and then it effected my emotional health big time. One day, I awoke from this and had enough and saw that the the cage wasn't locked. I had the key and had had it all along. I stayed for 18 years and helping myself and my kids was the most terrifying thing I ever had to do.

Now, after lots of therapy I know why I stayed and I have stopped attacking myself over that. But the good news is I got out of the situation on my own. I took my power back and I started to learn how to behave as an emotionally healthy adult for the first time in my life!

Recovery is a process.

Guilt doesn't help. In fact, it hurts. It hurts a lot. It focuses your attention on the past, reinforces low self-esteem, and generally weakens and disempowers you.

Forget the guilt.

Look to the future and to making different decisions than you've made in the past. You know you've made mistakes in the past -- if you do the same things going forward they will still be mistakes. So, do something different -- at least you have a chance that it might not turn out to be mistake.

freya

Please don't feel guilty for making a "mistake". You fell in love with someone and wanted to make a life with them. There is nothing wrong with that. It's not working out the way you'd hoped. But it takes two to make it work and if he is not living up to his responsiblities as a husband and father that is not your fault.

I understand that you don't want to leave because of your children. But please think about the flip side of that - your children can be damaged if you continue to stay.

I am the child of an alcoholic. I had a solid, stable mother and extended family while growing up. But I never connected the dots between why I was choosing partners that could not take care of themselves or had "issues" until my last relationship which turned out to be with an alcoholic. I am now 39 years old. It has taken me this long to make the connection between what I experienced growing up and the choices I am making as an adult.

My father has been sober for 20 years now. He's a wonderful man and has tried very hard to make up for the chaos he caused when we were children. But nothing can make up for the dysfunction I learned and nothing can make up for all the years before I recognized what the issue was about.

Please think very hard about what you want your children to learn.

This makes me sad, but it is what it is. My parents were drinkers who treated each other horridly the last 5 years or so of their marriage. My sister was only 6 when they finally split, and I can see the damage in her so clearly (harder to look at myself).


I did not quit drinking until my baby was 21. . .She saw so much and dealt with so much, and there is no way to go back and fix it for her.

Pls see my post about "why doesn't he/she love me enough to quit"...there are a lot of people posting on the end some really helpful things about what happens to children living with an active alcoholic.

it's not pretty.

I agree with the others-guilt is not productive. There's no reason for you to feel guilty--I'm sure there were good things about him at one point, and maybe even still. I could see past my ex's drinking, to see who he really was underneath the disease, quite often.

But the pain of leaving outweighed the pain of staying. I do not consider it a mistake because I had a lot of good times with him, and I learned a lot from him, believe it or not. He did bring a lot to my life besides pain.