sandrawg

I can't help wondering, what is my xabf thinking about right now? Is he missing me like I miss him? Is he thinking about how he used to come over to my place after work, and I'd make him dinner, and we'd cuddle and talk about our day at work...

I miss him so much. Even though I know I did the right thing.

I felt like I needed to make amends in some way for Friday night, all the mean things I said and texted him in hurt and anger, when he decided to choose the bar over me.

I was thinking about how hard he'd worked to make this relationship work, this time around. In the last 3-4 months, he had tried so hard, and there were so many improvements in our communication, and in his openness and honesty. He made many changes, as did I, to save what we had.

So, I just know that if he had the ability to change his drinking habits for our sake, I just know he would have.

I decided to send him a letter saying these things, and letting him know that I don't hate him, even tho I said I did, but I hate this disease.I hate that it's torn us apart. And I told him I'm grateful for the effort he put into this and I know he loves me and tried to make it work as much as I did.

I told him I hope he sees a light on this path he's on eventually, and I wished him the best.

SailorKaren

((Sandra)) I know it hurts. I'm sorry you're having to experience this. It is a really sad thing, and just know you can take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your best-intentioned hopes and dreams. He is not ready to meet you on those terms, and you so deserve someone who will. Some more folks will be along to encourage you. We care very much for you.

want2bfreenow

(((((((((Sandra)))))))))) I'm so sorry you're going through this and I know it sucks! In time, it will the pain will lessen and your life will be so much better without all the drama, hurt and turmoil of living with an A. Do something nice for yourself, something that's just for you, like a mani or pedi, or both! Hang in there, you will get through this!

ItsmeAlice

If you feel regret over the things that you said or wrote in text, then writing a letter of apology and wishing him well, I think, is a healthy thing for you. I don't think it needs to open any back and forth communication between you at this time, but to express your regret for the impact of your statements just shows you are taking stock of your part in your relationship, good or bad.

We all seek validation for our feelings, even the alcoholics in our lives. You are not opening a debate of who said what to whom and who was right or wrong. You are taking responsibility for some barbed comments that seem out of line in retrospect.

I think this is growth for you. I'm proud of you!!


Alice

blessed4x

I did the same thing (a letter) as part of my own work. I even prefaced the letter with the fact that it was written for me as part of my recovery. I didn't expect him to "get it", in fact I didn't have any expectations or an agenda at all.

I think if you had similar motives then it's a good thing. If it was an effort to hang on because you miss him and some part of you hopes he'll come running back then you may want to revisit some of your old posts and remember what having him in your life was like.

It's painful to seperate from someone you still care so much about. When being together is unhealthy for you both then it's also painful being together.

Crazy4Him

I agree with blessed. I know I've written many a letter in my time with my xabf, sometimes they were apologies, sometimes they were attacks, sometimes they were goodbyes and I always sent them. But I never sent them without wanting something back. Or expecting something back from him. In sending that letter I think you are (maybe subconsciously) inviting him back to play some more and odds are he will accept your invite but it will just be more of the same. I promise it will. It will only get worse sandraw. You think you can imagine how bad it will get but you can't, or at least I couldn't. He always managed to surprise me with being even worse than before, and I now realize I was damn near insane because I kept LETTING him by sending texts and emails and phone calls because I missed a man I'd grown used to being around all the time.

I listen to Taylor Swift "Forever and Always" a lot and this one line: "It rains in your bedroom everything is wrong, it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone" has been my LIFE for like the last seven months. lol I'm convinced that once I'm finally over all this I'll never be able to listen to it, again. It'll hold way too much nostalgia for me. Which sucks cause I really love the song.

Someone told me it's not so much the man I miss but the feelings he gave me, and that even though he's gone those feelings are still inside of me and are still alive. That's so true. That's why it's so important to take care of YOU first, because then you'll realize you can feel that good without him!

It's so easy to get stuck in a cycle when you're in love with a man you can't help. It's always good to get your emotions out, just try to take a good look at your motives while yo do it k? *hugs*

sandrawg

These are all good posts-thanks everyone. I really did some soul-searching and tried to see, why did I write this letter, and I think it's cuz I honestly did not want things to end on the horrible note they ended on, on Friday. I mean, we were screaming at each other on the phone, "I never want to see you again!" he said it first, then I said it, then hung up on him. It was awful.

I'd much rather end things on a note of love than, I never want to see you again, which is just nasty. I want him to know that he was loved-he is loved, and that I get it-that he has a disease, even if he's still in denial about it (I didn't say he was in denial, but...you guys know what I mean) and that I don't hold it against him as we go our own separate ways.

That's about all I said, I think. Oh and I did want to express my gratitude for the effort he put into our rel'ship. I don't think I had ever done that.

I got everything off my chest that I need to.

Thanks, everyone!

And yes, I am going to get a pedicure...tonight I met up with good friends for karaoke, one of my favorite things to do. It was nice!

lovtolaff

This is so true. The more you distance yourself from him and get on with your life - the less pain you will feel. I'm not saying that the pain will "go away" - but it most certainly will subside a little.

I too was with what I thought was "the one" and it hurt like hell to have to walk away from him - but I could NOT live with the drama and turmoil any longer.

Be strong!

BlueMoon

I think maybe you don't miss HIM as much as you miss the good you did have and the good you MIGHT have had ... (been there)

When it was early in my breakup, I tried to stop those thoughts - one way is to "yell" (in my head) Stop it Stop it STOP IT STOP IT etc until I could "change the channels"

examine your motives carefully before writing/contacting your X and remember that you made him an "X" for a reason

Blue

lovtolaff

SO TRUE! Read this and think about it....I know for me - I did miss the "good" we had but boy we had some really really bad BAD that makes the good seem trivial. (I hope that makes sense lol)

And the whole "might have had" - yep - I was blinded by "oh he COULD be such a great partner, if only....".

When I have a moment of missing him - I immediately remind myself of various things that he did that hurt me to the core - makes it seem less "fairy-tale-ish" to me.

TakingCharge999

Him= Jekyll+Hyde

Of course you will miss Jekyll.

But he comes with a Hyde that is unacceptable to you (and I applaud you for having enough self esteem to know you deserve much better)

When I miss Jekyll I imagine I am dressing up in black, a common friend comes for me, and we go to Jekyll's funeral. And I imagine myself crying and talking to the audience about my experience by his side. And I see how others miss him as well and share my longing. We all bury him. I realize I was lucky to see a good side of him before alcohol took over.

I believe we are all playing roles here and we will meet everyone up there in the sky when time comes. I find solace thinking I will see him again, his true self and we will be able to say "was it tough down there" then chill out in one cloud... LOL

Then I remember all the Hyde-esque stuff he did, and how much I have hurt these months, this all brought me to my knees in pain. And I know Hyde is ON now 100%.

Just sharing some stuff that helped me, be sure you are taking the best decision, it may not feel like it but in the long run you can actually look back in gratitude and say "thank God I was able to get out from that hell" because eventually it becomes hell again, if they are still in active addiction the destruction they bring with them is endless. Even more when they come in charming packages and you are totally attracted -


*BEWARE some sad and horrible facts below*



My sister works in order to ban landmines, and there have been mines stored inside teddy bears to attract kids and kill them. With an alcoholic you think its "not that bad" and he is just "almost" sane, if "only" he cut back a couple of beers or a couple of days or a couple of weeks....the package is wonderful and attractive, what you do not see is the mine waiting to be triggered upon touch........



You can do this!

sandrawg

Thanks, everybody.

Last night I was looking at one of our online chat conversations, and I was expressing my concern about his drinking. His excuse was that he lived in a really toxic environment--he lived in a big house with a bunch of people; it was a really bad scene--and going to the bar was his escape. OMG, I was trying to rationalize with him...why not do this instead of going to the bar, or that...

He said, well I have to drink because I can't get high-I don't like pot. I was saying, why do you feel like you have to either drink or get high to deal with this situation? I've had bad living conditions before-I didn't go get drunk to deal with it.

He said, Why do you not understand this? It makes perfect sense to me.

That, in a nutshell, sums up why I can't be with him. I keep re-reading that, to let it really hammer home why I'm in this situation.

Ya'al are right-I will miss the good things-and there were a lot. But I WON'T miss...having to fight with him when drunk and his drunk friend over snatching the keys to his friend's car so neither one of them will drive drunk...I won't miss the non-sensical, drunken text messages from the bar at 2:30am, the ones that made me worry all night about whether he would end up in jail, or with another girl, or doing cocaine...I won't miss watching him drink shots and "mind erasers" at the bar on a "Sunday Funday", then buying a 12 pack at the liquor store, then proceeding to turn into a stumbling fool at his house, meanwhile I'm trying to get him to slow down "honey don't you think you've had enough to drink" and be completely ignored..

You all know where I'm coming from, I'm sure.

lovtolaff

All to well.....

TakingCharge999

Yup.
This ex is either

/ working the bare minimum to get money
/ drinking
/ planning when and where he will drink again

Repeat until death.


That is his life.

Remember all the bad things and keep rehashing them.... it really helps!

Hugs!!

sandrawg

You know what it boils down to me, and I was thinking this, this morning as I was putting on my make up (I do my best thinking while doing my beauty prep-lol)

and I'm going to bold this, because to me, it is CRUCIAL.

I love myself way too much to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't love himself.

It all boils down to that. My x is bent on destroying himself and would take me down in the process-not because he doesn't love me, but because you can't jump on a train that's rolling off a cliff without ending up in the bottom of a ravine yourself.