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FreeingMyself 07-07-2009 01:07 PM

Stong until....
I am feeling so good about myself lately.....exercising, ordered the Codependent no more book and another book on boundaries in marriage. However, what I am having the most difficult with is the GUILT I feel. The guilt I feel because of my sons, whose own father is virtually nonexistent, the guilt I feel toward my baby girl, my AH's daughter. He gets to me when he says certain things and he looks so sad. In my mind I keep trying to remember 2 things I read on here. 1. I have the best of him in her. 2. Something about stop trying to make him into who I want him to be, but that he is who he is. I am struggling with strong feelings I have when alone, and the negative, sad feelings I have when AH and I are together. I am trying SO hard to heal and work on things, but he seems so sad and lonely. My heart aches for him. All of this you would think, or hope, or something would make him think about what he says and how he treats me, but somehow I'm not sure it does. It's like he can be sensitive and understanding for 1/2 the day, and by evening he makes comments like, Are we still married?, Do you even love me? etc. The intention was to separate when my has is not occupied by tennant on July20, he (or maybe I am letting him) is making this so difficult telling me all he is going to miss - maybe the baby crawling that my fault. Shouldn't he have thought of that when he was treating me bad? So now I'm back to thinking maybe when we move, I set very clear distinct boundaries, and if he crosses them I will follow the consequences, one last attempt to not seperate. The otherside of me needs to NOT have the stress. I don't complicated life can be...but I am FEELING better and I am feeling like I am prepared for whatever has to happen. I just hope my kids are ok in all of that, I know it is not healthy to live the way we have, but can we make strides towards something new togehter, will he try .... he isn't drinking.... but will he try?

luciddreamrgrl 07-07-2009 06:47 PM

I would hate for your to set unrealistic goals for your relationship. If it's one thing this message board has taught me, is to take things one day at a time, work on yourself and not expect or "paint" the future. It sounds like you are making strides in figuring out what you want for you and your children. I think it sounds like you are doing all the right things. You just have to stop letting yourself feel so much guilt. Trust me, I've been there. But eventually the guilt subsides and you realize that what you did was right.

Wether you stay or go is for you to decide. You need to ask yourself if you TRULY believe that things will be different if you give him just "one" more chance. How many chances will you give? How many chances have you already given? The things he is saying to you are his last ditch effort. He thinks he can guilt you into staying. If he really was ready to quit drinking and put his all into his relationship, he would be saying as such. Not making nasty comments to you. There comes a time when an addict says to himself, I'm done. Why am I acting this way? I'm ready to live a new life for myself and my family. He doesn't sound like he's to that point yet.

Please please don't feel guilty. You love your children and seem to be doing just fine, even though your current situation seems to be very stressful. Don't let him guilt you into thinking your doing the wrong thing because you want a better life for yourself and your children. That is ALWAYS the right thing.

Hang in there!

sandrawg 07-07-2009 07:40 PM

When he's truly ready to change, you'll know. It won't be just words and empty promises anymore...action will follow. Until then you can't trust those promises and words.

want2bfreenow 07-07-2009 07:45 PM

My AH is an expert at saying all the things to lay the guilt on me and knows exactly what buttons to push. Remember, he caused the situation, and only he can fix it - by actions NOT words. Be strong and take care of yourself and your precious children.

MycoolFitz 07-07-2009 07:52 PM

Well I wish the best for you. In fact, I believe whatever happens--staying together or splitting will be the right thing as long as you stay focused and strong (in your resolve not necessarily your feelings at times). As for the guilt, drop like its a lead coat and you're floundering at sea. Your husband owns his feelings as you own yours as your children own theirs'. Try not to get them to enmeshed. Its easy to lose track of whose feelings are whose. Generally you feel guilty when you're being guilt gamed. Alcoholic know how to play and win, we're pros. As far as sad and lonely goes,a person is naturally sad and lonely when they lose a significant relationship in their life,perhaps their most significant-their drug of choice.

Our personal demons come in many guises. We experience them as shame, as jealousy, as abandonment, as rage. They are anything that makes us so uncomfortable that we continually run away. We do the big escape: we act out, say something, slam a door, hit someone, or throw a pot as a way of not facing what’s happening in our hearts. Or we shove the feelings under and somehow deaden the pain. We can spend our whole lives escaping from the monsters of our minds.

Take care--Mycool

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