What do I do???

Old 07-07-2009, 09:51 AM
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What do I do???

First post and very long. This is what brings me here...

I have been dating an alcoholic for 8 months. I moved in fairly quickly and knew she drank but had no idea how serious it was. Now I find myself in love, moved in and basically tied to an alcoholic. All I went to do is help but I know its her battle.

She has been to rehab several times and now continues to drink. She wakes up in the morning has a drink and withdrawals if she doesnt. Usually her average intake is a fifth a day. She is in her early twenties and hides her drinking from everyone. She has a full time job, goes to family functions and hangs out with friends. Shes funtional.

She can be the sweetest girl which is the reson I fell in love with her. Its so sad to me that this terrible disease has taken over such a wonderful person and no one sees it but me. Its my burden to stay which I know is my choice because I look for those amazing moments with her. At first our relationship was incredible but lately the name calling, emotional abuse has become almost a daily occurence.

This past weekend has been a nightmare. It started with her quiting drinking. we were visiting her parents. She was not a pleasure to be around on those three days but we got through it. So we left and headed to a friends get together. She was stressing because she had nothing to wear and in an awful mood. So I tried to calm her down which made things worse. She started going off and told me to stop at a liquor store.

We had discussed that she would only drink beer because the only thing she relies on is vodka. So I told her I would go in and get it... she said No! I need something else. I lost it told her I was disappointed and couldnt believe it. She told me to pull over and get out of the car which I did. She left and turned around picked me up then stopped at a liquor store and got her stinking vodka. She went four days without a drink and it was the longest I have ever seen her go.

So we get to the party and everythings going good until I turn around and see her holding arm to arm with another guy which didnt really bother me but I just kept and eye on it. Then I saw them have their arms around each other and lost it. There had been other instances of her flirting which I let go until this. I told her it was over and said some really bad thing that I didnt mean.

So we fought for a while on the way home the next day. I apologized for the things I said and she did as well and explained that he was just a friend. We get home and decide to go out to eat, my gf was seriously starting to tear into the vodka and was really getting drunk. I waited three hours for her to get ready we finally get there and the resteraunt stopped serving food. She was tottally gone by this point and told me it was my fault to leave the house. She always tells me to get out of the house when shes **** drunk...

So I start to pack my bags and she just blind sides me pushes me over and starts slapping me. Kicked me in the nuts a few times ripped the shirt off my back. She got pretty banged up from this as well...I never touched her.

I left and spent yesterday at my parents. I ignored her calls for a while and finally decided to call her last night. She would not apologize or ask me to come back. She said it was up to me and I decided to stay at my parents. I woke up late at night and saw she tried to call several times. I sent her a text telling her I was thinking about her and us and that I saw her calls. She sent me a text this morning and said I was a liar that I didnt spend a night at my parents. I sent her an email explaining why i text her. She thinks I went out stayed at a friends and now is totally ignoring me. What do I do??
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:01 AM
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Hi 5Fingaz!! :ghug3

Welcome to SR. This is a wonderful place.

I was in a similar situation.... I know how it's like to be deceived by an alcoholic, without alcohol they can be super sweet, tender, nice...


When dealing with alcoholics there are 3 Cs

You cannot control their alcoholism or how much/when they will drink

You did not cause her problem, she had it before she knew you

You cannot cure it. Only she can cure it and that when she reaches her "bottom". For many alcoholics there is no bottom, they never accept they have a problem, not even on their death bed. That is the sad reality of this disease.


You know she is a woman that for whatever reason, tends to physical violence and flirting with other people. She does not seem to care much about your well being. Is this what you are looking for in a partner?

This girl = the sweet girl you like + the flirting, violent, drinking girl

You cannot pick only the "good her". Its a combo. This is all what she is willing to be. Is the flirting with others, kicking, drinking part good enough for you? Is slapping you, kicking you acceptable for you?

Only 1 thing is sure with alcoholism: it will get worse.

Hugs!! I know its a tough spot to be in... and remember you are not "tied up" to anyone, you can always make different choices, and take care of yourself.
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:01 AM
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Welcome to SR

You are among many who have been in similar situations - please continue to read, post and search for what is your path.

as for what to do? Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Please know that these are not just meetings of little ole ladies sitting around talking about how bad their husbands are - if you get to a meeting that's like that - FIND ANOTHER ONE! (ha ha ha)

For me, meetings were great in helping me figure out what was best for ME.

It helped me get in touch with my Higher Power, calm my insides and clear my head so that I could make decisions about where my life needed to go.

No one can tell you what you need to do for you - You will need to make those decisions for yourself - we can only share our experiences -

Nothing changes if nothing changes -

You already know you can't change her so that means you can look at what you can change in YOUR life to make it better - doesn't mean you have to walk away unless you want to.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve it!!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:04 AM
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Wow, welcome to the forum, I can totally relate to where you're at.

It took me 2 yrs to figure out my xbf was an alcoholic. Many times of him breaking my boundaries and doing cocaine while drunk, after promising me he'd no longer do cocaine anymore, cuz I just can't have that in my life.

This last time he did coke, he finally admitted he had a "drinking problem" *eupehmism warning!* Begged me to stay...said he'd get help...therapy, etc. Said he'd make SERIOUS CHANGES.

I stayed but I said, I need to see you at least 30 days sober-til then, you're on probation. I wanted to see if he was serious, and I figured if he couldn't stay 30 days, then he would have to admit he had a problem.

He was like your gf while not drinking. Really irritable. Jumpingout of his skin. He made it 3 weeks, then decided "3 weeks is enough", and after all, it's July 4th-good excuse to drink.

I told him, well, you know, you're breaking your promise, and I told you the consequences...you wanna go drink, go drink. But that means I'm out of your life. He basically was cool with that.

Which killed me inside, but I knew in order to maintain my self-respect, I had to stick to MY promise, which was to leave. I changed my number, blocked him on email...I've gotten to the point where I've said, enough is enough. Maybe losing me will make him realize his problem? Maybe not? It all depends on whether he's ready.

I've seen people lose job after job and rel'ship after rel'ship and STILL not get help. Everyone's bottom is different, and if there's one thing I've learned, is most people have to hit bottom before they get help. And they cannot stay sober without help.

I have to let go of any outcome related to him, though, and just look out for me, at this point.

Oh and btw, I also got really angry with him, sent him a bunch of mean text messages. I said some pretty hateful things. Please be gentle wiht yourself that you did that. You're human! This is a frustrating situation you're in-I've never been through anything more painful than loving an alcoholic, and I've been through some s**t before, trust me.

Please stay here and post...get help...this is a great place. I encourage you to read the stickies!

Welcome
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:09 AM
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Oh I forgot to tell you there are some "Sticky" notes on top of the threads, great reading and objective information, hope you get the chance to read them
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:29 AM
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I love this girl to death and more than Ive ever loved anyone. Which makes it so hard to leave. She was on her best behaviour until I moved in.Then the flood gates opened...

I went to high school with her. I know how special she is. Knew her before she had this ****** disease. Ive never been to an alanon meeting. But I think im going to give her an ultimatum... me/professional help or the bottle. I think I know what the answer will be which is sad because right now shes completely ignoring me. She tends to turn things around on me and make things to be my fault.
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:34 AM
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What do I do??
Can you accept her, as she is, right now today?
Can you be happy in this relationship, is it fulfilling your needs?
Accept what IS. Not what might be potentially if this or that changes etc.

Treasure your freedom and mental health. For me, they are the most valuable things I have.

She tends to turn things around on me and make things to be my fault.
I learned how to protect myself from the classic manipulations of alcoholics through AlAnon and through one-on-one counseling.

Good luck.

The past is gone. You are free in this moment.

peace,
b
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:41 AM
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Oh me too 5Fingaz, it was until I moved in with a guy I realized the reality of his problem.

I also met him "before" he drank as much. I felt like the first person that knew he had a problem and very very alone. I still feel like I am the only one who knows the ugly truth... the extent of how much he drinks.

Right now I am overhearing him (we work together) about this great bar with free drinks. With all the common friends cheering and planning stuff with him. I just want to slap them all and yell WAKE UP!!

That is why we got Alanon and these forums, its only the ones who have been around an alcoholic person who understand and make you feel less lonely....

Also, remember you can still love her - but from a safe distance, where your physical and mental health is not compromised.

Although its difficult, what she did was not personal, she did not this TO YOU. She is just that way and would have acted the same way with anyone else. It is not personal.

((hugs))
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:20 AM
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Thanks everyone. Its amazing how mind altering alcohol is even when the addict isnt drinking. Its definetely been difficult and a learning experience for me. I can attest that alcoholism truly is a progressive disease. It doesnt get better only worse. The choice is mine to make I know that. Its not going to be easy.
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:54 AM
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WELCOME to SR! You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H). There is lots and lots of good information in the "sticky's" at the top of the forum.

I love this girl to death
Okay, if you say so. How about you take a nice 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle of it the long way and on one side put what you think you love about her, and on the other side put what you absolutely dislike about her? Then look at both sides very very carefully.

That just might help you see that what you 'love' about her is really what you would like her to be and not what she is.

Please try Al-Anon or counseling or a therapist for YOU. Not for how to 'fix' her, as I believe you know by now, you cannot.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-07-2009, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by 5Fingaz View Post

So I start to pack my bags and she just blind sides me pushes me over and starts slapping me. Kicked me in the nuts a few times ripped the shirt off my back. She got pretty banged up from this as well...I never touched her.
I am thinking about what people would tell you if you were a woman and she a man - that you should get away from a violent person who did you harm. I really think that this is seriously messed up and there is no reason to think that a woman cannot do serious harm to a man. What if next time she pushes you, you hit your head? This is unacceptable and I would not go back to someone who not only does not care about my well-being, but causes me pain mentally AND physically. That's abuse.

Good luck! :ghug3
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Old 07-08-2009, 02:33 AM
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You said that she emotionally abused you and she has now physically abused you? I understand that she is a woman and you are a man but I was taught that if you hit someone, you better be ready to get hit back, man or woman. There is no excuse for physical violence. Don't even get me started on the emotional abuse. The longer you take that on the more damage you are doing to YOURSELF mentally and physically. Emotional scars are not easy to erase and it will take a while to dig yourself out of the monstrous hole it leaves inside you if you let it go on much longer.

Why are you still considering a woman who has abused you? Do you feel like that is love? Are you happy? Would you accept this treatment from a co-worker? The cashier at your grocer? A stranger on the street?

Give her an ultimatum if you want, but be ready for any outcome. I've given many ultimatums and I gotta tell you, when they don't have their desired effect, it hurts like hell.

Keep coming back, we're here for you!
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Old 07-08-2009, 04:59 AM
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Female Version...

Originally Posted by 5Fingaz View Post
I love this girl to death and more than Ive ever loved anyone. Which makes it so hard to leave. She was on her best behaviour until I moved in.Then the flood gates opened...

I went to high school with her. I know how special she is. Knew her before she had this ****** disease. Ive never been to an alanon meeting. But I think im going to give her an ultimatum... me/professional help or the bottle. I think I know what the answer will be which is sad because right now shes completely ignoring me. She tends to turn things around on me and make things to be my fault.
Sorry to hear that you are so caught up in this situation. It is hard to step back and see that although you love this woman, and you have this huge emotional (childhood) bond that spans throughout a lifetime, that she is just not good for you. You deserve someone better in your life, someone who will not abuse you.

You have the female version of my XABF, he was actually my hs sweetheart and we reunited after 25 years. The love of my life, my soul mate... the bond was so tight I felt trapped in the never ending cycle of this madness. You are welcome to read through my posts. None of this is easy, but once we finally realize that it is NOT our problem and that we can still 'love' them, but from afar... REAL FAR... away (to be able to have some sense of peace) then, and only then can we start to enjoy life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not be on this perpetual roller coaster that sucks the very life out of every one of us.

Good luck, I will pray for you. Stay here in SR, this place is a life saver.
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Old 07-08-2009, 05:10 AM
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It's a stunner

Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Okay, if you say so. How about you take a nice 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle of it the long way and on one side put what you think you love about her, and on the other side put what you absolutely dislike about her? Then look at both sides very very carefully.Love and hugs,

This is a must do for everyone laurie, thanks for posting. I did this and I was shocked to see that the balance was off base to what my thinking had been. The side that contained the dislike attributes/character was 47, and the like/love was 9. I then tried to rationalize what was due to the alcohol consumption, but told myself this is what it is..... black and white, down on paper. It helped quite a bit. I then made a list of what I will accept in a man (not unrealistic) and posted it on the back of my bedroom door. For three weeks now I have been getting to 'know' someone who has all but two of what is on my list of what I will accept.

Do the list 5fingaz, you may see a different side to things.
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