anxiety over bills/money
 

just got done paying bills on line (3) - and I am SO stressed out! Then it occurs to me it's cuz I'm terrified that I'll pay the bills and then RAH will disappear and I won't have any money to live on and that REALLY that is a valid fear that has been repeated over and over these past 17 years - It's not my over-reactive imagination, it has been REAL time and time again and well NO WONDER I hate paying bills! NO WONDER it sends me into a state of major anxiety just THINKING about it! I still have bills to write out tho and I haven't been able to make myself do it cuz he's out fishing and "WHAT IF ....?"

So I took $100 and put it over into my "secret" savings account - he knows I have it, just not how much is in it and knows that it is OFF LIMITS -- I now have a whopping $250 in it but at least if he poofs off I'll be able to eat --- I was s'posed to be putting money in every month when I get my check but I feel guilty for doing it and so I just take it back out if we need it -- which defeats the purpose

any thoughts on NOT feeling so guilty for having this account? It's like saying "I kNOW you're going to drink again..."
He's been sober just over a year and appears to be doing all the right things to stay that way ...

Blue :whoop

No, it's not. It's saying that you have internalized the lessons life has taught you. You have learned, and you are wise. :)

It's that thing about forgiving, but not forgetting. You are taking good care of Blue, as you should.

L

I don't think you should feel guilty at all. Fine, let him keep proving himself and when you finally feel it is okay and you won't need the "spare" money go out to dinner or something.

It reminds me of post traumatic stress disorder.

No, it's not. It's like saying "I know sh!t happens sometimes, and I need to make sure I can still eat and pay essential bills when it does." Having extra money socked away for emergencies is just a good idea all around, whether there are alcoholics involved or not. I do it because I lived through 7 years of paying off credit card debt and I have no intention of ever doing it again. You do it because you lived through however many years of being broke because *someone* overspent household money. There's nothing to feel guilty about, you're just doing the responsible thing.

thank you all - but what do I do when we run short of money and need food? do I still deny access to the savings account??

Blue

this is a hard one

all I have is a big HUG!

I socked money away simply because I worked for it, and felt I had the right to something that was MINE. Mine because he couldn't be trusted with money. He spend every dime we had. I lived in that fear too, so I started saving. It's a darn good thing I did. 6 years later we were divorced. I had my "secret" savings and was able to leave without fear of not being able to take care of myself.

It all comes back to the alanon belief that you have to take care of yourself. If you don't then you risking your future.

Don't feel guilty, it's called taking care of yourself. I was in the jam of not enough money & way too much to pay back. When that happened, I had late fees, overdraft fees, take money out of 1 credit card to pay for the min. on another (which is a cash withdrawal so that's extra $$, over limit fees, lots spent in just fees. Then I made up my mind, that's not going to happen again.

If you get to the place where you need to withdraw from this fund to eat. Only take out the bare essential. Make a lot of low cost meals, try to stretch living on what you already have. Once awhile ago, with my 1st xah, we visited another couple. They (mostly her & the kids) were in the same place I got to much later. Anyways, she made a cost saver lasagne. It was noodles, layered with tomato sauce & parmesan cheese, no ricotta, or cottage cheese, no hamburg, no mozzerella cheese. It was dry, but it was most likely all she had. Be creative, because this fund is worth it!

Money is freedom in many, many ways; freedom from killing worry, freedom from destitution, etc. You are fully entitled to self-protection, and sometimes that means playing semi-dirty, though quite honestly I don't really view it as such under these circmstances:

If you were my good friend, I would tell you: first make up a story to tell the A about how you had to spend all or most of the "savings" account on some necessary thing like a speeding ticket that you hadn't mentioned, or a repair to your car, or the like. So that he thinks the account is drained.

Then, transfer the money to a new account just in your name, and continue to secretly keep chunks of money to put in it, $10 dollars at a time if necessary. Do not ever tell your A that you have this money. Ever.

I once received a five year old tax refund which I'd never gotten for some reason, and didn't tell my then-husband about it, partly because things were not going great with the marriage....I felt guilty about it and once after a rare drink for me, I confessed to the most moral and upright woman I knew, an ex-boyfriend's mom, a suburban golf pro who once found $80 cash on the floor of a Walgreens when I was with her -- she immediately waved it in the air, shouting "who lost $80??" that I'd kept this windfall money (about $1200). She didn't bat an eyelash, just said "Realname, every married woman keeps secret money of her own, didn't you know that?"

Tuck it away however you can. You'll be glad you did. Don't feel guilty.

I stashed away money, knowing that one day I would really need it. Every time I found a bottle my AH had hid, I added another $20 - figured it was equal to the money he squandered for the booze.

I started putting a few dollars away every month, just in case. I felt guilty about it at first, then I told myself that it was a Christmas club fund. It would be there if I got into an emergency, but if I didn't need it then the kids gifts wouldn't go on the credit card. Seem like a guilt free way for me to handle it and if he found it and asked I could tell the truth.

thank you all for all of the input!
i don't feel QUITE so guilty now :)

Blue

I'm chiming in late here but ya know what... DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!!

I have not one but two secret checking accounts and a secret savings account.. (yeah, I'm just a little OCD)

I look at it this way, I live with an addict/alcoholic... who's favorite hobbies are drinking, drugging and spending money.. I have to protect myself... he is certainly not going to do it so I have to..

One of my checking accounts is strictly for Christmas.. my other checking and savings account is set up through ING.. it's free, no minimun balance and the best part about it they pay you interest to use them..

I hate the feeling that I get everytime I pay bills because like you I have this pit in the bottom of my stomach.. the what if syndrome.. at least with these three accounts I have something to fall back on..

I think we all have an internal part of our souls that tell us when something isn't right. My example comes in the form of a TV. Sounds silly I know. I had this old 32 inch, monster of a TV while living with my XABF. Eventually we got a flat screened 32 inch TV. We talked about getting rid of the old monster, but I would never allow it. We used it as a printer stand for 2 years lol. He always talked about getting rid of that TV, but somewhere inside of me I told myself that I may need it in the future. I think it was my instincts telling me that something just wasn't right with the relationship. It was subconscious at first but I'm sure glad I didn't get rid of it. Now I need it.

Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself. If something doesn't feel right, you need to live for yourself. In fact, I think you should cling to your private account. Keep it safe. You just may need it in the future.

I use to hide money from my x-husband. I set up a secret savings account, and checking account. When I finally left I have $10,000 to fall back on. I had never thought about it early on in the marriage, but as things went from bad to worse and when I finally started working (I was a stay at home Mom most of the 20+ years) I tucked as much $ away as possible. I was very foolish when I got with the (now) AXBF, I spent my stash as I thought he was 'the one'. When he left I had nothing. What a fool I was. But the struggle I have had over the last year has been worth it.

You are doing a great thing for yourself and your ability to be independent if the need arises. Find a way to cut back on something else so that you can keep putting money aside. People 'leave' us in many different ways, so it's best to protect yourself. There is nothing worse then having to depend on someone for financial reasons.