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Old 07-06-2009, 08:48 AM
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New here

First I want to say, I am an alcoholic married to an alcoholic.
I am getting help and trying to gain sobriety.
My husband of 25 years is not.
Over the weekend, my adult children told me that they no longer care about him, that they have no relationship with him, and that I should stop trying to help him, and focus on myself.

On Friday's he goes to the bar. Every Friday is a nightmare. This Friday he went and for some reason came home early like 6 p.m. He ate with us and then started to say that he wanted me to go out with him on his motorcyle. I refused. I told him I would NEVER go on the bike with him if he had even one drink, he told me he was going out. I told him if he took the bike (which he had an accident on less then a month ago) I would call the police, call the bar, and call the insurance company. He walked to the bar and came home after 4 a.m.

He has repeatedly told me that he does not love me, we have not been intimate in over a year. He says it is because I am fat, and if I lost weight we would be ok, which is ridiculous.

I started drinking about 4 years ago, after a masectomy and the death of two of my siblings, I drank to forget, and when I stopped, I realized it didn't bring them back, and didn't help me to forget, everything is still there, except my breasts, which are never coming back

My dilema is this, he won't leave. I can't leave. Should I focus on my own sobriety so that I am strong enough to leave him? How do I deal with the Friday situation.

Anything you can say to help, is appreciated.
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Old 07-06-2009, 09:21 AM
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Hello Ladyb and Welcome

I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you over the last years and what you are contending with currently.

Sandrawg just posted a link to an article that I found to be very informative and might get you started. How to live (or not live) with an alcoholic-Associated Content.

Blush...I can't link this but if you go to the thread " I thought I was getting better at detaching...." written by "Whyamistaying" you will find the post with the link. It's about 2 or 3 from the bottom.
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Old 07-06-2009, 10:06 AM
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Hi,
Congrats on your own sobriety and for having some solid boundaries in place with your AH. Of course putting a proper focus on yourself needs to come first, but whether you leave or not is something only you can decide.
There are lots of resources listed in the Sticky threads that relate to your situtation. I also find Al-Anon to be extremely helpful.
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Old 07-06-2009, 11:08 AM
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When I got sober I had a TON of "problems" and "issues"

Every single person I have ever seen get sober does too.

What was told to me, and I see told to other new people, and I have now seen it work with literally thousands of others is take care of your "insides" and your "outsides" will take care of themselves.

What that means is go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps, and I swear this sounds strange and "weak" but it's true but your problems will resolve themselves.

I promise you this is true, I have seen it in literally thousands of cases.

What was pointed out to me is "Andrew, you have been trying to solve your own "problems" for years, and lets take a look at the 'evidence", your problems are worse then ever. Are you willing to try something different?"

Here is an experiment for you to try if you so desire. Go to an AA meeting and look around for someone who "has what you want" ie long term sobriety and "the look" of serene contentment, go up to them and ask them:

"Someone told me if I stopped trying to solve my own problems, just went to meetings, got a sponsor, and worked the steps, all my problems would "solve themselves", is this true?"

Good luck
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Old 07-06-2009, 11:50 AM
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Welcome to SR. You've begun a double journey, one of recovery from alcoholism and the other recovery from an alcoholic relationship.

You will find strong support and encouragement here and elsewhere on SR. Be patient with it. There is so much to read and take in, it can feel overwhelming. Take it one day, one thread at a time.

I admire your courage to face the issues you have in your life and to start living with your heart and mind unrestrained.

I agree with what Ago has posted and agree that healing from the inside out is only way to go. Healing only the outside leaves only a scab over the wound and allows our issues to fester beneath it.

My best to you!

Alice
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