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I thought I was doing better at detaching, but I am not

Old 07-05-2009, 05:58 PM
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I thought I was doing better at detaching, but I am not

I took the kids to a birthday party. He refused to go because he said he wanted to work on stuff around the house. I knew he would walk to the store to get beer. But I can't stop him or control him, so the kids and I left. When we got back I could tell he had been drinking---we were only gone 1 1/2 hours and it was obvious.

When he wasn't looking, I took 3 beers out of his "stash". He had 16 in there and dumped the 3 beers out. Then the open beer he had in the closet, I dumped half off and put hot water in it.

I reacted and I am not supposed to. I am just so mad. I hate him. My guess is he has had at least 6 beers today (all of course hiding from me). If I say something, I better be able to back it up and I'm not ready for that. So I don't say anything.

I'm disappointed in myself. I knew he wouldn't confront me about the beer b/c he doesn't want me to "know" he is drinking.
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Old 07-05-2009, 06:05 PM
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You know when I realized it was over with my ex? The first time he leaned in for a kiss and instead of closing my eyes to happily await it, I was sniffing the air for liquor aroma. I've thrown out the beers, too, but I learned quickly that is the worst thing you can do to an alcoholic. Throw away their stash. It will just cause a binge. That same night he went out and not only got drunk, but almost overdosed on coke! Ah memories.

I can't imagine if we had kids. I can't imagine.

You deserve to be happy and you can be! That is not happiness. It's so hard to do it on your own, I know. Be kind to yourself. When you are done, you will really be done. It might be today it might be tomorrow. Just keep your eyes open and be kind to yourself.
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Old 07-05-2009, 06:29 PM
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I reacted and I am not supposed to. I am just so mad. I hate him. My guess is he has had at least 6 beers today (all of course hiding from me). If I say something, I better be able to back it up and I'm not ready for that. So I don't say anything.
After this statement, I wonder why you are still with him. He is lying, you "hate" him, and you don't even feel like you can react to things any more. Whats left?

I know you say your not ready yet, but when will that be? How far do you have to be pushed by him? How miserable do you have to become before you can take action?
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Old 07-05-2009, 06:29 PM
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I know I shouldn't throw them away. I only did 3 out of the 16--but it was more to mess with him so he would wonder if he drank them or not. He keeps trying to pick a fight with me, but I'm not budging.

I was just mad that he would ONCE AGAIN miss out on time with his kids so he can buy beer. And he even went to church today.
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by whyamistaying View Post
I know I shouldn't throw them away. I only did 3 out of the 16--but it was more to mess with him so he would wonder if he drank them or not. He keeps trying to pick a fight with me, but I'm not budging.

I was just mad that he would ONCE AGAIN miss out on time with his kids so he can buy beer. And he even went to church today.
Sad to say, 'messing with him' is just another way of saying 'trying to control him.' Until you're ready to give that up, you're in for much more suffering. I know. Been there, done that.

I was mad that he would choose drinking over family, too. I went to great lengths to try and make 'family time' more appealing, the most expensive of which was buying a boat! Ha! All he did was drive the boat drunk with his family on board!

You cannot win this battle, primarily because it's not your battle to fight. I hope you reach that awareness before you and your children suffer much more.

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Old 07-05-2009, 07:22 PM
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I'm sorry that nothing is working out the way you hoped Why and that is difficult to process and accept, but something other than what you are doing might need to be executed for the sake of your children. Maybe this isn't about you and your husband anymore. Maybe it should be about providing an emotionally safe home for your children and that may need to be without your husband.
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:17 PM
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Originally Posted by luciddreamrgrl View Post
After this statement, I wonder why you are still with him. He is lying, you "hate" him, and you don't even feel like you can react to things any more. Whats left?

I know you say your not ready yet, but when will that be? How far do you have to be pushed by him? How miserable do you have to become before you can take action?
Well the reason I don't want to react is that what is the point? I say you are drinking again and you promised you'd stop. Then what? I have to be ready to kick him out and I want to be ready. I'm just not.

So if I bring it up and then it turns into a fight, isn't that playing into the whole problem?
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:24 PM
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feel you. It took me two months to be ready and even though I left, I still question wether I was really ready. My point is, are we ever really ready to lose someone we love?but you have to ask yourself if this is really what you want for the rest of your life. If it isn't, then you need to accept that and take action sooner rather than later.
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by luciddreamrgrl View Post
feel you. It took me two months to be ready and even though I left, I still question wether I was really ready. My point is, are we ever really ready to lose someone we love?but you have to ask yourself if this is really what you want for the rest of your life. If it isn't, then you need to accept that and take action sooner rather than later.
I think it hit me in March when he went to rehab. Slowly, I am getting it. I do hate him. That is mean, I know. But I hate him. I have a TON of anger towards him.

I did better tonight. I changed the guinea pig cage and found a bag of crushed beer cans he is hiding from me and I didn't go balistic. Just moved them to get my piggy cage newspaper and then put them back.

It is so hard. Because I think I'll never find someone. I am taking my kids away from their dad. I'd like to think I am shielding them a bit from this. I don't fight in front of them, but ever since rehab, my oldest is so afraid of her daddy not coming back...he was gone for 30 days...that every single day she asks me "when is daddy coming home?" I just feel like if I can stick it out, do the bare minimum maybe it is better for them?
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:40 PM
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I've thrown out the beer too. I've searched the house high and low looking for bottles (and found them in some very creative spots including a Christmas tree box), I searched for receipts, I even followed my STBXAH once and hid across the street from the convenience store to see if he came out with alcohol (he did). I bet most of us here have been exactly where you are. It's really not very sane behavior. It doesn't feel good.

Have you been to Alanon? It was suggested to me, and I know it's not for everyone, but I found it lifechanging. I started both Alanon and individual counseling with a counselor experienced with addictions around the first of the year. It took me about 6 months to get to a meeting.....I had to do my research, you know. Anyhow, my point is that nothing in my life really changed until I started controlling the things I can, myself and my actions. My life now, even in the middle of a divorce with a man that my attorney says is about as difficult as anyone she has worked with in 27 years of family law, is fuller and more peaceful than ever. I could be sucked into the drama and chaos. I can choose not to be. So can you.
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:44 PM
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No no no! Staying for the sake of the children is never the right thing. If YOU are not happy, then they will not be either. Children are very big empaths. They feed off of you. Don't make excuses. Get out there and start making yourself happy. Leaving doesn't have to mean automatic divorce. A separation could give you all time to figure out what's best. Your children are resiliant. My son still asks to see my XABF and his daughter every day, but I know I made the right decision. Just go over to the adult children of alcoholic board and see for yourself. You are doing well at remaining strong and not starting arguments. Now it's time for you to keep moving forward.
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:49 PM
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Those were the words that came out of my mouth. "We need to separate because I am starting to hate you."

None of us can predict the future. But if you stick it out because you think this is the best you should expect from the universe, I worry about your daughter doing the same someday.
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Old 07-05-2009, 11:24 PM
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for myself, I found detachemnt a very difficult concept, and really difficult to put into practice. I was really angry. It would be hard to imagine a person who would not be angry going through what we went through (and you are still living in). It took me time to detach (a lot of time) and actual physical distance was the clincher for me, detaching in close proximity happened but was so much more difficult.

coming here, and being aware is a first step, be gentle with yourself

Originally Posted by whyamistaying View Post
I just feel like if I can stick it out, do the bare minimum maybe it is better for them?
I am the child of parents who stayed together for the sake of the children, I don't thank them for that, and in large part that was an excuse. It was a miserable existance, we lived in an atmosphere of latent (or out-in-the-open) rage. The tension would often make me sick as a child. If you had asked me then, I would have begged them to stay together (and indeed did, often, when one or another left) because I was a child who did not have the maturity or experience to know that change can be good.

My parent's were so locked in the fight that they were having with each other that we missed out. I don't blame them, they were doing the best they could. But I very much believe it would have been better if they had seperated earlier (instead of when I was 20).

Plus as a child, who was aware that they were staying togther "for our sake" I took on the blame for their obvious misery (not helped by them blaming me, in anger, for it) and developed many of the behaviours and beliefs that made me seek unhealthy relationships and further bolster my destructive self-image.

I (clearly) deal with the repercussions of this now.
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Old 07-05-2009, 11:40 PM
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Please read my most recent threads I posted--a lot of good wisdom on there.

He broke his promise to you, and what are the consequences? What are YOUR boundaries?

Someone said something in one of my posts about how if I leave the keys in the ignition, then get mad when someone comes in and crashes my car, whom do I really have to blame?

My xabf promised not to do coke over and over again. I let him have 2 chances, after he "messed up" and did it, despite his promise. The second time, he told me he only did coke when drinking, and that it was because of his drinking problem, and he guilted me into staying with him and promised he'd get help.

I had to come up with some quantifiable way he could prove to me he was serious, so I said, stay sober for 30 days. I made him promise this. Well, he lasted 3 weeks.

In order to keep my self-respect, I HAD to leave. This was a firm, no negotiation, no wiggle room BOUNDARY I had set, for my own sanity so I would know when to leave or stay. His inability to keep his promise was my signal to bail.

Yeah, you shouldn't kick him out til you're ready, but I have to ask...why are you NOT ready???

Originally Posted by whyamistaying View Post
Well the reason I don't want to react is that what is the point? I say you are drinking again and you promised you'd stop. Then what? I have to be ready to kick him out and I want to be ready. I'm just not.

So if I bring it up and then it turns into a fight, isn't that playing into the whole problem?
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Old 07-05-2009, 11:44 PM
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I also want to ask...why is detachment something you're so anxious to achieve? Maybe you won't be able to.

I am 2 days from having left my xabf for good-I mean, I changed my phone number...I blocked his email, the works, and I am still angry as h*ll. I feel like I have a right to be angry. I'm angry that alcoholism is keeping me from the man I love.

I'm angry that because of it, my xabf lied to me and broke promises.

I'm angry that I let myself waste 2 yrs of my life waiting for things to change.

I'm angry that he chose the bar over being with me.

I felt the same as you on Friday night when this all went down for the last time--I even texted him "I hate you." I really did feel like I hated him.

Now I realize I don't hate him. I hate his disease!!

I think it's ok for me to feel this anger, and I feel like I have a right to feel it. I'm not going to do anything destructive wiht it, but sometimes you need to just let yourself feel what comes up and not suppress it.
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Old 07-05-2009, 11:49 PM
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Yes, this is a crazy way to live!! Imagine all the time you could've been spending doing something productive and fun for yourself.

Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
I've thrown out the beer too. I've searched the house high and low looking for bottles (and found them in some very creative spots including a Christmas tree box), I searched for receipts, I even followed my STBXAH once and hid across the street from the convenience store to see if he came out with alcohol (he did). I bet most of us here have been exactly where you are. It's really not very sane behavior. It doesn't feel good.

Have you been to Alanon? It was suggested to me, and I know it's not for everyone, but I found it lifechanging. I started both Alanon and individual counseling with a counselor experienced with addictions around the first of the year. It took me about 6 months to get to a meeting.....I had to do my research, you know. Anyhow, my point is that nothing in my life really changed until I started controlling the things I can, myself and my actions. My life now, even in the middle of a divorce with a man that my attorney says is about as difficult as anyone she has worked with in 27 years of family law, is fuller and more peaceful than ever. I could be sucked into the drama and chaos. I can choose not to be. So can you.
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Old 07-06-2009, 01:37 AM
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Originally Posted by whyamistaying View Post
I just feel like if I can stick it out, do the bare minimum maybe it is better for them?
No, unfortunately it is not. My cousin's mom (my Aunt Teresa) died from alcoholism. And I saw what it did to both of her sons - my two cousins.

God help them. My uncle should have taken those kids out of that insane situation. Even with intensive therapy (and both are on meds), they are still showing the fallout today of what living with an alcoholic parent did to them years ago.
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Old 07-06-2009, 01:54 AM
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My sister's 2 exh's were both alcoholics. She kept her daughter in HORRIFIC situations with these guys.

My niece has awful PTSD from some of the things that happened to her. She's had 2 illegitimate kids and can't hold down a job. I feel for her, but not much helps other than intensive therapy, which she can't even afford.
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Old 07-06-2009, 03:41 AM
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I am taking my kids away from their dad.
No, he is.

my oldest is so afraid of her daddy not coming back...
He's already gone.
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Old 07-06-2009, 06:51 AM
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The mom is the soul of any family, if the mom is not happy no one will be... the woman is the symbol of life. It hurts in a very deep level to see Mom sad, depressed and angry. Are you attending an individual counselor?
Big hugs to you!
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