How many meetings is too many?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 12
How many meetings is too many?
I tried asking this on a different forum but there was only one reply, and I am hoping for more perspectives.
My AH (we're long-married) is 7 years sober and extremely happy in recovery. I have no complaint about that. I don't want to complain about meetings, but he attends 2-3 per day, 7 days a week. The time spent, when you include all the extra work he does helping people, is huge. Hours and hours. I spend every evening alone; he's gone from dinner time to bedtime. Of course, this is light years better than the drinking days, but there is a lot of loneliness for me, and all his emotional work seems to happen outside the marriage these days.
Am I wrong to wish he'd dial down the meetings? I've asked him this, but he claims his aa friends need him and he has to be there for them. He does not want to take this to a counselor.
My AH (we're long-married) is 7 years sober and extremely happy in recovery. I have no complaint about that. I don't want to complain about meetings, but he attends 2-3 per day, 7 days a week. The time spent, when you include all the extra work he does helping people, is huge. Hours and hours. I spend every evening alone; he's gone from dinner time to bedtime. Of course, this is light years better than the drinking days, but there is a lot of loneliness for me, and all his emotional work seems to happen outside the marriage these days.
Am I wrong to wish he'd dial down the meetings? I've asked him this, but he claims his aa friends need him and he has to be there for them. He does not want to take this to a counselor.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
That is a tough one. He is staying sober. Do you want a drunk/high husband? If you are not an alkie/addict you have no idea how hard it is to stay sober.
Staying sober to me is more important than my career, family or friends, because if I don't stay sober I loose all of those things anyway. I am sure your husband feels the same way.
Having said all that I feel some compromise is in order. How you can facilitate this I have no clue.
Taking it to a counselor is a waste of time IMHO unless the counselor is also an addiction specialist.
Staying sober to me is more important than my career, family or friends, because if I don't stay sober I loose all of those things anyway. I am sure your husband feels the same way.
Having said all that I feel some compromise is in order. How you can facilitate this I have no clue.
Taking it to a counselor is a waste of time IMHO unless the counselor is also an addiction specialist.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i agree with dgillz, a compromise is in order. i wouldn't stay in a relationship where i was alone every single night of the week.
i don't know what the solution is but here's some ideas:
1. plan a holiday away together.
2. write him a letter and tell him how you feel.
3. join in and get involved in AA yourself. i go to AA meetings, even though i'm not an alcoholic because there is no alanon in my small town.
or,
you could just get on with your own life. make some changes. get out and do something you don't normally do...take a class...join a gym...go stay at a friend's house for a weekend...go to the therapist by yourself and work on your own issues...
if nothing changes, nothing changes.
see, he's in recovery, but with us co-dependents, we need to assume our part in the dysfunction and reach out for help also.
do you think you are co-dependent?
naive
i don't know what the solution is but here's some ideas:
1. plan a holiday away together.
2. write him a letter and tell him how you feel.
3. join in and get involved in AA yourself. i go to AA meetings, even though i'm not an alcoholic because there is no alanon in my small town.
or,
you could just get on with your own life. make some changes. get out and do something you don't normally do...take a class...join a gym...go stay at a friend's house for a weekend...go to the therapist by yourself and work on your own issues...
if nothing changes, nothing changes.
see, he's in recovery, but with us co-dependents, we need to assume our part in the dysfunction and reach out for help also.
do you think you are co-dependent?
naive
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
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I go to one meeting a week, that way I get the all recovery news, interaction and support I need without making meetings an escape. Anymore that that I feel I'm serving my needs beyond the needs of my family. Its a good balance that I seek. One meeting a week or two is not obsessive. Beyond that many meetings a week can for me...and escape from my family. Then theirs the better being, at meetings or be an raging alcoholic. It doesn't need to be that way.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
write him a letter and tell him how you feel.
So just talk to him face to face, pull no punches and tell him exactly what you want. Do not hint about what you want, tell him precisely (men process verbal communication differently too).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 12
Thanks, this is helpful and crystallizes my thinking. Yes I probably have codependent qualities and have been working on this since AH's sobriety.
I agree that his sobriety comes first but I am going to try for a compromise. I'ave requested this in the past but he says if I "force" him to spend an evening with me or with non-aa friends it feels forced and contrived and it's not quality time.
I appreciate the discussion, thank you.
I agree that his sobriety comes first but I am going to try for a compromise. I'ave requested this in the past but he says if I "force" him to spend an evening with me or with non-aa friends it feels forced and contrived and it's not quality time.
I appreciate the discussion, thank you.
Originally Posted by naive 
i agree with dgillz, a compromise is in order. i wouldn't stay in a relationship where i was alone every single night of the week.
i don't know what the solution is but here's some ideas:
1. plan a holiday away together.
2. write him a letter and tell him how you feel.
3. join in and get involved in AA yourself. i go to AA meetings, even though i'm not an alcoholic because there is no alanon in my small town.
or,
you could just get on with your own life. make some changes. get out and do something you don't normally do...take a class...join a gym...go stay at a friend's house for a weekend...go to the therapist by yourself and work on your own issues...
if nothing changes, nothing changes.
see, he's in recovery, but with us co-dependents, we need to assume our part in the dysfunction and reach out for help also.
do you think you are co-dependent?
naive
i don't know what the solution is but here's some ideas:
1. plan a holiday away together.
2. write him a letter and tell him how you feel.
3. join in and get involved in AA yourself. i go to AA meetings, even though i'm not an alcoholic because there is no alanon in my small town.
or,
you could just get on with your own life. make some changes. get out and do something you don't normally do...take a class...join a gym...go stay at a friend's house for a weekend...go to the therapist by yourself and work on your own issues...
if nothing changes, nothing changes.
see, he's in recovery, but with us co-dependents, we need to assume our part in the dysfunction and reach out for help also.
do you think you are co-dependent?
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
This is a serious thing, this is abandonment no less then if he was gone all the time from drinking
You say he's an AA guy? goes to a lot of meetings?
Alright, there's something I'm sure you're sick to death of hearing about called the Big Book
Suggest he read it
(There are some things in To The Wives, The Family Afterwards, etc that would be helpful to you as well, both to get an idea of what he is up to, but to also understand a bit better so he won't be able to manipulate you using the program)
Suggest he read the chapter entitled "The Family Afterwards"
it's Chapter 9
AA Big Book - Chapter 9
It says things like:
Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise. With these we have had experience galore.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
-The Alcoholic- will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the family will appreciated that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.
Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness.
Nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent so much as the wife who adopts a sane spiritual program, making a better practical use of it. (that means study up and whup his @ss with the big book hehe)
At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective part in the new life. Father will necessarily spend much time with other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced. bb 1st ed
You say he's an AA guy? goes to a lot of meetings?
Alright, there's something I'm sure you're sick to death of hearing about called the Big Book
Suggest he read it
(There are some things in To The Wives, The Family Afterwards, etc that would be helpful to you as well, both to get an idea of what he is up to, but to also understand a bit better so he won't be able to manipulate you using the program)
Suggest he read the chapter entitled "The Family Afterwards"
it's Chapter 9
AA Big Book - Chapter 9
It says things like:
Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise. With these we have had experience galore.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
-The Alcoholic- will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the family will appreciated that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.
Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness.
Nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent so much as the wife who adopts a sane spiritual program, making a better practical use of it. (that means study up and whup his @ss with the big book hehe)
At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective part in the new life. Father will necessarily spend much time with other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced.
Last edited by Ago; 07-05-2009 at 07:37 AM.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Ago posted an excellent section from the Big Book. There are those who turn their obsession from drinking to meetings.
When I first got clean/sober, I attended every meeting available locally. However, at some point I had to find balance in my life.
Now I attend 2-3 meetings a week (we have 3 a week available locally).
I would suggest that you get a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and also check into Alanon meetings for you. You need emotional support too!
:ghug :ghug
When I first got clean/sober, I attended every meeting available locally. However, at some point I had to find balance in my life.
Now I attend 2-3 meetings a week (we have 3 a week available locally).
I would suggest that you get a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and also check into Alanon meetings for you. You need emotional support too!
:ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
agreed. i think marie, that you will find the help you require at alanon.
it doesn't seem like a full recovery to me if he can't hang out with his family or non-aa friends. that seems like an escape.
i bet if he put forward this issue at his next AA meeting, they might have a few words of wisdom for him too.
it doesn't seem like a full recovery to me if he can't hang out with his family or non-aa friends. that seems like an escape.
i bet if he put forward this issue at his next AA meeting, they might have a few words of wisdom for him too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 12
Wow, thank you again to this amazing group. I have read the Big Book but in parts, and not lately. VERY applicable passage.
There are al-anon groups here, but the ones I've attended all seem to be focused on recovery after a failed relationship. I don't want to view this as failed. It's been a wonderful marriage, but this obsession with meetings and aa friends (slowly developed over the past 2 -3 years of his 7 in the program) feels new and problematic.
I read a book called something like "Emotional Infidelity." It was not about addiction but its main point was that the heart of all emotional work should take place within the marriage. Letting it be hijacked by other friends/organizations/concerns outside the marriage is risky to the marriage itself.
Do any of you feel that way?
Thanks for the support and advice.
PS to AGO: your icon about "someone is wrong on the internet" made me chuckle. But also, reminded me with a twinge that my AH spends additional hours e-mailing recovery-type stuff to his meeting friends. I try not to do the math regarding the time and attention spent there ...
and pps to dgillz - you're right about guys not wanting to sit and read a length diatribe.
There are al-anon groups here, but the ones I've attended all seem to be focused on recovery after a failed relationship. I don't want to view this as failed. It's been a wonderful marriage, but this obsession with meetings and aa friends (slowly developed over the past 2 -3 years of his 7 in the program) feels new and problematic.
I read a book called something like "Emotional Infidelity." It was not about addiction but its main point was that the heart of all emotional work should take place within the marriage. Letting it be hijacked by other friends/organizations/concerns outside the marriage is risky to the marriage itself.
Do any of you feel that way?
Thanks for the support and advice.
PS to AGO: your icon about "someone is wrong on the internet" made me chuckle. But also, reminded me with a twinge that my AH spends additional hours e-mailing recovery-type stuff to his meeting friends. I try not to do the math regarding the time and attention spent there ...
and pps to dgillz - you're right about guys not wanting to sit and read a length diatribe.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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It's pretty difficult to strengthen a marriage that has been damaged by alcoholism when one party is 'absent' to do the work. I guess I liken it to a garden that needs to be tended in order to flourish.
I'm sorry the available Alanon meetings you've attended don't seem to be right for you. I know when I go to meetings, whether it's Alanon or AA, I listen hard for the similarities (usually dealing with emotions) rather than the differences (external circumstances).
I'm sorry the available Alanon meetings you've attended don't seem to be right for you. I know when I go to meetings, whether it's Alanon or AA, I listen hard for the similarities (usually dealing with emotions) rather than the differences (external circumstances).
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Join Date: May 2008
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2-3 meetings a day is a lot of meetings.
Going to meetings does not constitute a program. AA is supposed to give you a life, not be your life.
That said, if you prefer him sober and I'm sure you do....but it looks like you might want to think about creating a life for yourself, if he isn't willing to compromise. I'm assuming your husband is retired.
Going to meetings does not constitute a program. AA is supposed to give you a life, not be your life.
That said, if you prefer him sober and I'm sure you do....but it looks like you might want to think about creating a life for yourself, if he isn't willing to compromise. I'm assuming your husband is retired.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I'd be asking myself, "Exactly what am I getting out of a marriage to a person who 'must' attend 3 meetings a day to stay sober and who has no issues totally abandoning me?"
From where I sit, this is just another version of the progressive nature of alcoholism - in this case the dry drunk version. The self-absorbed orientation is still the center of gravity in his life and he's seeking a fix by OD-ing on meetings and escaping real life outside of the rooms of AA.
So what exactly has changed in his "recovery?"
He has a longstanding pattern of how he chooses to live (consider himself only and escape the outside world).
How do you choose to live, and what do you want from a marriage partner?
CLMI
From where I sit, this is just another version of the progressive nature of alcoholism - in this case the dry drunk version. The self-absorbed orientation is still the center of gravity in his life and he's seeking a fix by OD-ing on meetings and escaping real life outside of the rooms of AA.
So what exactly has changed in his "recovery?"
He has a longstanding pattern of how he chooses to live (consider himself only and escape the outside world).
How do you choose to live, and what do you want from a marriage partner?
CLMI
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hi there. I would like to chime in.
First I would like to say Bravo Ago, that is the exact passage I was thinking of when I read the thread.
I am a recovering alcoholic wife and I have been sober 14 months. I know that the first year was rough on me and my family. While I always drank at home and therefore was physically present, I was not here for any of them. When I got sober I grabbed onto the program like it was a lifesaver (it was) but within 60 days (I had a sponsor and was working the steps) my sponsor sat me down and talked about balance. This was a concept I knew nothing about. But my sponsor talked to me about my family and how much they deserved a Mom and a wife back after all this time. I owed that to them. So, I learned how to find time for my recovery and my family.
In my opinion, your husband needs to learn to balance the recovery and his family. It is possible to have it all. At least this has been my experience.
First I would like to say Bravo Ago, that is the exact passage I was thinking of when I read the thread.
I am a recovering alcoholic wife and I have been sober 14 months. I know that the first year was rough on me and my family. While I always drank at home and therefore was physically present, I was not here for any of them. When I got sober I grabbed onto the program like it was a lifesaver (it was) but within 60 days (I had a sponsor and was working the steps) my sponsor sat me down and talked about balance. This was a concept I knew nothing about. But my sponsor talked to me about my family and how much they deserved a Mom and a wife back after all this time. I owed that to them. So, I learned how to find time for my recovery and my family.
In my opinion, your husband needs to learn to balance the recovery and his family. It is possible to have it all. At least this has been my experience.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3
I'm amazed that fellows would judge one way or another how many meetings are good for someone else. The Big Book is not the Bible or a set of rules.
If someone wants to attend 3, 5 or 10 meetings a day, it is none of my business. What is my business is what I want for my life. If I am not living the life I want, and the person I thought would share it with me has taken another direction, then it is for ME to decide what to do. My focusing on how another should change, or how another should live their life, is arrogance.
It is understandable and valid to state what I want in my life. It is not ok for me to REPEATEDLY ask someone else to make that happen. Not all decisions and choices in life are easy or painless.
The best advice I got many years ago regarding counseling was, if he won't go with you, go by yourself.
Good luck to you.
If someone wants to attend 3, 5 or 10 meetings a day, it is none of my business. What is my business is what I want for my life. If I am not living the life I want, and the person I thought would share it with me has taken another direction, then it is for ME to decide what to do. My focusing on how another should change, or how another should live their life, is arrogance.
It is understandable and valid to state what I want in my life. It is not ok for me to REPEATEDLY ask someone else to make that happen. Not all decisions and choices in life are easy or painless.
The best advice I got many years ago regarding counseling was, if he won't go with you, go by yourself.
Good luck to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 12
I DO prefer him sober, he saved hs own life. If this is what it takes then okay.
But the question you ask about "retired" adds another facet. The reason he has all this time to spend with recovery stuff is my job. We are a one-income family (my income) and we've always been very balanced about this. I've never felt like it was an imbalance for me to be the wage-earner. He hasn't had to work in years. He is not a "kept" man - far from it - but it's a somewhat nontraditional arrangement, with mom the earner and the stay home dad/finance expert/general manager of things.
This situation makes me wonder, though. Could we be having unacknowledged issues with it? That's why I would like to seek counseling but he won't hear of it.
But the question you ask about "retired" adds another facet. The reason he has all this time to spend with recovery stuff is my job. We are a one-income family (my income) and we've always been very balanced about this. I've never felt like it was an imbalance for me to be the wage-earner. He hasn't had to work in years. He is not a "kept" man - far from it - but it's a somewhat nontraditional arrangement, with mom the earner and the stay home dad/finance expert/general manager of things.
This situation makes me wonder, though. Could we be having unacknowledged issues with it? That's why I would like to seek counseling but he won't hear of it.
Originally Posted by gerryP
2-3 meetings a day is a lot of meetings.
Going to meetings does not constitute a program. AA is supposed to give you a life, not be your life.
That said, if you prefer him sober and I'm sure you do....but it looks like you might want to think about creating a life for yourself, if he isn't willing to compromise. I'm assuming your husband is retired.
Going to meetings does not constitute a program. AA is supposed to give you a life, not be your life.
That said, if you prefer him sober and I'm sure you do....but it looks like you might want to think about creating a life for yourself, if he isn't willing to compromise. I'm assuming your husband is retired.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
I think 2 or 3 meetings a day 7 days a week is insane and unhealthy for him, much less his avoidance of you.
I go to maybe 3 or 3 meetings a week and 1 at minimum, and lunch on Friday. Outside of that, my wife would feel avoided.
My A.A. program doesn't happen in meetings. If I feel others need my help, that sounds like some form of selfishness and pride. Sometimes I have to go home to work my A.A. steps. Some need to be worked out in the community and with my family, but man! 14 to 21 meetings a week?
If he was retired or semi-retired, I could maybe understand this being more of a "vocation" for him rather than an "avocation".
What you think of this is important.
I go to maybe 3 or 3 meetings a week and 1 at minimum, and lunch on Friday. Outside of that, my wife would feel avoided.
My A.A. program doesn't happen in meetings. If I feel others need my help, that sounds like some form of selfishness and pride. Sometimes I have to go home to work my A.A. steps. Some need to be worked out in the community and with my family, but man! 14 to 21 meetings a week?
If he was retired or semi-retired, I could maybe understand this being more of a "vocation" for him rather than an "avocation".
What you think of this is important.
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