sara1971

friends,
again i apologize for my bad english. i want to share with you my feelings.
last friday i was upset, i was sad and i felt so lonely. my a had couple of days off and we didn't do anything interesting just like always. we were home, he was drunk and sleeping most of the day and i was cleaning and cooking. my girlfriend calls me and she says she wants to go to lake como to take some sun she invites me to go with her. i decide to go. i need a break. i am tired of watching him sleeping on the sofa. it is a beautiful day. we came home at 6 pm. i open the door and i find him on the sofa sleeping with a bandage on his hand. i go to bathroom everywhere is full of blood. yes he had cut his finger so badly while he was trying to cut some salamy. blood here and there on the floor on walls.... i had cleaned the home the same morning! when he wakes up, i beg him to be careful while he is drunk. he promises he will. yesterday was friday and he was home. i go out for a coffee with my neighbour. i came home and find everywhere full of broken glass. yes he had fallen on the crystal table. he was ok. but table was broken and everywhere was full of broken glass. he is sleeping. when he wakes up, i tell him that he should be careful that i am not working that if he looses his job what will we do, that he is responsible for our family. he says i am right. he says he is going out to buy some cigarettes. i beg him to not drink since he should go to work in 2 hours. he says he won't and that i can smell his mouth when he comes back. he comes back after half an hour. goes to bathroom to shave and put a lot of aftershave so that i can not smell the alcohol. he walks unsteady and goes on sofa and sleeps for an hour. i wake him up. he should go to work. and here i am worring that what if he loose his job. what if people know he is drinking. i have headache. i am depressed. i know i am not responsible for his drinkings but i am his wife and i am worried about us. God knows next time if i go out and he is home, what surprise is waiting for me.

Still Waters

This path lies madness Sara. You aren't his Mother, you can't control him.

I understand the worry about money and his job, but maybe you can concentrate on YOU and how you can survive without him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, he's only going to get worse.

Startingover2

I agree.

My exah fell twice in one day. Once hit the bumper on his truck as he was getting in to drive away (another scary thought) and the next was on the granite counter. He looked like a prize fighter.

He told everyone he got in a fight with an awning at our house. I stupidly went along with it.

I don't lie anymore. I don't have to see it anymore. I don't have to clean up the messes.

Broken22

Sara, your story is familiar, only with mine he had fallen into a large watercolor painting that hung on the wall, smashing the glass, sending it everywhere. He had cleaned up the glass before I got home. I have been trying to learn to let him clean up his messes and deal with the consequences of his actions. I know the feeling of dread you feel every time you come home, because I feel it too. I am trying to learn to not expect normalcy when I come home because then I will not be disappointed, right? I am struggling with detachment and not enabling because for now I cannot leave him. I guess finding time for myself is what counts right now. I think it will become clearer to me as time goes on. I wish you peace.

sara1971

thanks starting over2 and thank you broken22. i will work on your advice that not expect normalcy when i come home. very good advice. as i can not leave my a for the time being. i have to deal with ti.
wishing you all my friends peace.