I Am Doing Better, but He is Sicker
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I Am Doing Better, but He is Sicker
I am feeling great, and I am working on my self-esteem issues. Serenity is priceless! I'm trying to build self-esteem now because I NEVER had any to begin with. It is difficult, but it is one of my problems that I have humbly turned over to my higher power. Progress is slow, but there is progress in this area. I am getting so much better! I am convinced for me personally, it would have been almost impossible for me to REALLY start MY recovery living with my STXAH because I was so addicted to HIS problems and trying to "help" him 24/7.
I can see him for what he is now. He is a sick man. And since I have left he seems to be getting sicker a lot quicker (or maybe I just never noticed how sick he is). I called up our marriage therapist (stopped seeing him weeks ago) to thank him as he did help me to discover things about myself that I didn't know (helped with step 4). He did tell me that he can see I am determined to make a new life for myself and he can see I am strong and that I will be alright. I did ask if my STXAH was still seeing HIS therapist at the practice. The marriage therapist said that it was against the rules to tell me, but he said he wanted me to know that yes my STXAH did quit his individual therapy. He also stated that my STXAH is in deep denial and just will not take responsiblity at all. This was obvious to me, but to hear a professional psychologist say this was validation I suppose.
Last week my STXAH's friend died from liver disease (brought on by alcoholism) at the age of 45. My STXAH has tried to convince himself it was due to something else, but not the alcohol. My STXAH stated that the guy died because he stopped drinking all at once (he had been in rehab a few months ago) and that is what killed him. The denial is just insane. The guy was a yellow as school zone sign. Then my STXAH said: "yeah, but he was a REAL alcoholic."
Denial, denial, denial. I now realize how sick our relationship really was. I was in denial too and believed most of what he told me. I need to work on myself more so that I don't make the same mistake again. Now I know why in al-anon they tell you to wait a year before any major changes or new relationships should be entered into. I need to be mentally and spiritually healthy before I can start a life with someone else that is mentally and spiritually healthy.
I can see him for what he is now. He is a sick man. And since I have left he seems to be getting sicker a lot quicker (or maybe I just never noticed how sick he is). I called up our marriage therapist (stopped seeing him weeks ago) to thank him as he did help me to discover things about myself that I didn't know (helped with step 4). He did tell me that he can see I am determined to make a new life for myself and he can see I am strong and that I will be alright. I did ask if my STXAH was still seeing HIS therapist at the practice. The marriage therapist said that it was against the rules to tell me, but he said he wanted me to know that yes my STXAH did quit his individual therapy. He also stated that my STXAH is in deep denial and just will not take responsiblity at all. This was obvious to me, but to hear a professional psychologist say this was validation I suppose.
Last week my STXAH's friend died from liver disease (brought on by alcoholism) at the age of 45. My STXAH has tried to convince himself it was due to something else, but not the alcohol. My STXAH stated that the guy died because he stopped drinking all at once (he had been in rehab a few months ago) and that is what killed him. The denial is just insane. The guy was a yellow as school zone sign. Then my STXAH said: "yeah, but he was a REAL alcoholic."
Denial, denial, denial. I now realize how sick our relationship really was. I was in denial too and believed most of what he told me. I need to work on myself more so that I don't make the same mistake again. Now I know why in al-anon they tell you to wait a year before any major changes or new relationships should be entered into. I need to be mentally and spiritually healthy before I can start a life with someone else that is mentally and spiritually healthy.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 46
Wow that was very powerful, I feel the same way about my ABF, he is in such denial too....he told me after he had went to a "meeting" that he realized thats HE is not that bad compared to others in the group....so I understand exactly where you are coming from .........
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Blondie we are on the same boat..
All I can say is that I am very glad you keep moviing forward and I think
He is not ready. Yet. He is entitled to his own timing just as we had to really live through horrible stuff to "wake up" and take ourselves seriously... keep the focus on yourself and put him in the hands of God/HP.
Great to hear from you Blondie!! :ghug3
All I can say is that I am very glad you keep moviing forward and I think
He is not ready. Yet. He is entitled to his own timing just as we had to really live through horrible stuff to "wake up" and take ourselves seriously... keep the focus on yourself and put him in the hands of God/HP.
Great to hear from you Blondie!! :ghug3
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 29
when i posted about my AXBF, someone here told me of the terms...personal exceptionalism/terminal uniqueness. the alcoholic is not like anyone else there, and hence, doesn't have a problem. or his problem isn't like theirs.
RRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTT! so, ppl w/o alcohol problems drink enough to **** themselves TWICE on a bed and blow a .33? i don't know about you, but that mode of thinking is asinine and only means that s/he is going to drink again very soon.
RRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTT! so, ppl w/o alcohol problems drink enough to **** themselves TWICE on a bed and blow a .33? i don't know about you, but that mode of thinking is asinine and only means that s/he is going to drink again very soon.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
((((Blondie)))).....I've thought of you often. We went through so much of the same stuff at almost the same time, the infidelity and escalating craziness, and the attempts at counseling. Our divorce will be final on Thursday if not sooner (judge can sign by affidavit). I too, have been able to see how sick I was in the relationship and how sick STBXAH is. Mine stopped drinking, went to AA for a while, went back for his 2 month coin, and has been as mean and nasty as ever.
He is currently the angriest, craziest person I have ever known....and I caused it all......I guess nothing changes if nothing changes *wink*. I am thankful every day for Alanon and the simple truths I have learned there. The serenity prayer has saved my life. I am so happy you are on this path with me, fellow traveler! We have found the courage to change the things we can.
He is currently the angriest, craziest person I have ever known....and I caused it all......I guess nothing changes if nothing changes *wink*. I am thankful every day for Alanon and the simple truths I have learned there. The serenity prayer has saved my life. I am so happy you are on this path with me, fellow traveler! We have found the courage to change the things we can.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Thanks everybody. Yes, Blessed4x, we have been on similar paths and I find you inspirational too! I have actually started enjoying life again and finding peace. Ahh, serenity is priceless!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It is sweet after living in hell so much time when you actually start enjoying the sweet silence and, for me, waking up to a warm teddy bear 
all those "glimpses" of the new life you are choosing for yourself are so great, and are when you can actually see how much you have learned and grown. Kudos to you Blondie!! ALL the credit goes to you
all those "glimpses" of the new life you are choosing for yourself are so great, and are when you can actually see how much you have learned and grown. Kudos to you Blondie!! ALL the credit goes to you
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