First post...sorry it's very long
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Mary, you say you accept you can't change him but you keep on trying anyway. Isn't that a definition of madness? You will drive yourself insane trying to control him. Detaching with love is one of the trickiest concepts Al Anon has to offer - but it is a lifesaver. Yes, you do have to let him get on with it. It doesn't mean accepting he will never get sober but it does mean accepting that he has to do it for himself - you cannot control when that happens nor can you cure him. You are just not that powerful. You also have to let him feel the consequences of his decision to drink. He has to clean up his own mess. When I first joined SR, Laurie posted something that really stuck with me. He is a big boy - let him be an adult. You can literally kill an alcoholic with kindness.
Detaching also means you stop enabling. Set boundaries for what is acceptable to you and how you want to live. Instead of focusing so hard on him, start focusing on YOU. Clean up your side of the street. Work the steps. Find out how you want to live. What can you change that would make you happy? You only have power over you. Changing how YOU react to your AH will help you better cope with the situation you find yourself in. You can't stop him drinking but you can change how it affects you.
My STBXAH was a functioning alcoholic for many years, slowly but surely increasing the amount he drank. In the space of 6 months his alcoholism progressed exponentially. 'Under the Influence' will give you a better idea of what lies further on down the line for you and your AH. Alcoholism is progressive if left unchecked. Things may be OK right now but his drinking will slowly progress. Do you want to hang around, investing more of your life, while that happens? I stuck with my AH 18 years and I really wish I had left a lot sooner than I did. Ultimately, I had to reach my own 'bottom', when I decided enough was enough. Same goes for you too.
:ghug3
PS I love your 'cunning plan'!!
Detaching also means you stop enabling. Set boundaries for what is acceptable to you and how you want to live. Instead of focusing so hard on him, start focusing on YOU. Clean up your side of the street. Work the steps. Find out how you want to live. What can you change that would make you happy? You only have power over you. Changing how YOU react to your AH will help you better cope with the situation you find yourself in. You can't stop him drinking but you can change how it affects you.
My STBXAH was a functioning alcoholic for many years, slowly but surely increasing the amount he drank. In the space of 6 months his alcoholism progressed exponentially. 'Under the Influence' will give you a better idea of what lies further on down the line for you and your AH. Alcoholism is progressive if left unchecked. Things may be OK right now but his drinking will slowly progress. Do you want to hang around, investing more of your life, while that happens? I stuck with my AH 18 years and I really wish I had left a lot sooner than I did. Ultimately, I had to reach my own 'bottom', when I decided enough was enough. Same goes for you too.
:ghug3
PS I love your 'cunning plan'!!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It's really none of his business if you're going to an Al-anon meeting or a yoga class. If he is behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable with telling him the truth about where you are - then he has made it none of his business.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Wow! Just looking back at my old post. It was 3 years ago and NOTHING has changed!! How weak am I?!
I guess some things have. I now know I don't love him. Still can't make myself do anything about it. Can't bear the thought of hurting him or the kids. Can't bear the thought of breaking up the family and being the "bad guy". Just dream of being on my own with the children. Feel so helpless and unhappy.
Confided in a friend for the very first time a week ago; I guess that was progress.
Just keep wishing for "something" to happen to change things because I'm not strong enough to.
I guess some things have. I now know I don't love him. Still can't make myself do anything about it. Can't bear the thought of hurting him or the kids. Can't bear the thought of breaking up the family and being the "bad guy". Just dream of being on my own with the children. Feel so helpless and unhappy.
Confided in a friend for the very first time a week ago; I guess that was progress.
Just keep wishing for "something" to happen to change things because I'm not strong enough to.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
Mary, you say you accept you can't change him but you keep on trying anyway. Isn't that a definition of madness? You will drive yourself insane trying to control him. Detaching with love is one of the trickiest concepts Al Anon has to offer - but it is a lifesaver. Yes, you do have to let him get on with it. It doesn't mean accepting he will never get sober but it does mean accepting that he has to do it for himself - you cannot control when that happens nor can you cure him. You are just not that powerful. You also have to let him feel the consequences of his decision to drink. He has to clean up his own mess. When I first joined SR, Laurie posted something that really stuck with me. He is a big boy - let him be an adult. You can literally kill an alcoholic with kindness.
Detaching also means you stop enabling. Set boundaries for what is acceptable to you and how you want to live. Instead of focusing so hard on him, start focusing on YOU. Clean up your side of the street. Work the steps. Find out how you want to live. What can you change that would make you happy? You only have power over you. Changing how YOU react to your AH will help you better cope with the situation you find yourself in. You can't stop him drinking but you can change how it affects you.
My STBXAH was a functioning alcoholic for many years, slowly but surely increasing the amount he drank. In the space of 6 months his alcoholism progressed exponentially. 'Under the Influence' will give you a better idea of what lies further on down the line for you and your AH. Alcoholism is progressive if left unchecked. Things may be OK right now but his drinking will slowly progress. Do you want to hang around, investing more of your life, while that happens? I stuck with my AH 18 years and I really wish I had left a lot sooner than I did. Ultimately, I had to reach my own 'bottom', when I decided enough was enough. Same goes for you too.
:ghug3
PS I love your 'cunning plan'!!
Detaching also means you stop enabling. Set boundaries for what is acceptable to you and how you want to live. Instead of focusing so hard on him, start focusing on YOU. Clean up your side of the street. Work the steps. Find out how you want to live. What can you change that would make you happy? You only have power over you. Changing how YOU react to your AH will help you better cope with the situation you find yourself in. You can't stop him drinking but you can change how it affects you.
My STBXAH was a functioning alcoholic for many years, slowly but surely increasing the amount he drank. In the space of 6 months his alcoholism progressed exponentially. 'Under the Influence' will give you a better idea of what lies further on down the line for you and your AH. Alcoholism is progressive if left unchecked. Things may be OK right now but his drinking will slowly progress. Do you want to hang around, investing more of your life, while that happens? I stuck with my AH 18 years and I really wish I had left a lot sooner than I did. Ultimately, I had to reach my own 'bottom', when I decided enough was enough. Same goes for you too.
:ghug3
PS I love your 'cunning plan'!!
Mary - I am new here too but I'm glad to see you back. I have read this entire thread and I have to say I have been in your shoes.
Please, first things first, Please stop the negative self-talk. You are not weak. You are just as strong and capable of any other human being. Alcoholic behaviors makes it "seem" like there is something wrong with "us" whereas it's not normal behavior. Trust your gut. You are strong enough to reach out for help and that says something right there.
I too have felt helpless and unhappy. What helped me was focusing on myself. No one else can make things better but us. WE must help ourselves.
I love this quote and I think you might relate I think Albert Einstein said something to the effect of INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over and EXPECTING different results. What that says to me is nothing is going to change unless *I* make changes!!
Alanon is a wonderful program and I highly recommend you get to some meetings and read some material. No matter what you have to do - just get it done. Alanon is the only thing that saved me from the mess I was in. Just do the best you can to get there.
It's all about PROGRESS not perfection. Take care of yourself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Thanks for the reply. It's nice to feel someone's "listening". I am rereading advice and want to try and actually use it this time. Really think I should go to Al Anon but I'm a bit worried it's too late. :-(
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Scotland UK
Posts: 3
Mary
I am new here and haven't plucked up the courage to post my story yet. One day I might. I just wanted to say that I am now back at Al Anon due to my ex partners binge drinking. I have been going on and off for nearly 2 years but now realise that it will be a lifetime commitment for me. I relapsed and ended up walking back through their doors even worse than when I originally first walked in 3 Weeks ago. It is never too late. I see it as a start. A small step towards regaining my sanity, my love for myself and self respect. All of which I have lost through my situation. I spent my first two meetings crying from start to finish and to just have people not judge you and explain you are not a bad person and that it isn't your fault, is a truly warm feeling. They understand. And they aren't people who are paid to understand. They understand because they have felt and done the same crazy things you have felt and done. They say that the addict will not get help until they hit their bottom, I also believe that of myself. I had to reach my bottom before I said no more. I will not live with an active alcoholic. The greatest of journies start with the smallest of steps
Be safe
X
I am new here and haven't plucked up the courage to post my story yet. One day I might. I just wanted to say that I am now back at Al Anon due to my ex partners binge drinking. I have been going on and off for nearly 2 years but now realise that it will be a lifetime commitment for me. I relapsed and ended up walking back through their doors even worse than when I originally first walked in 3 Weeks ago. It is never too late. I see it as a start. A small step towards regaining my sanity, my love for myself and self respect. All of which I have lost through my situation. I spent my first two meetings crying from start to finish and to just have people not judge you and explain you are not a bad person and that it isn't your fault, is a truly warm feeling. They understand. And they aren't people who are paid to understand. They understand because they have felt and done the same crazy things you have felt and done. They say that the addict will not get help until they hit their bottom, I also believe that of myself. I had to reach my bottom before I said no more. I will not live with an active alcoholic. The greatest of journies start with the smallest of steps
Be safe
X
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