FreeingMyself

I am feeling so completely confused at this moment....so lost, I feel like my insides are screaming, trying to make sense of all of this! The hurt is almost more than I can bear. Tonight he told me he wanted to seperate...and I believe he means it. He says that I have become someone who only knows hate, someone who only care about myself and the kids, someone who has "no room" in my life for him. I'll admit that my feelings for him at this moment are hard as a rock...my heart solid...with the occassionly feelings on longing for what isn't there. I wish I could just forget the past and move on with our relationship. How do you forget the hurts that cut like a knife? How do you forget the name calling, the mean and hateful arguements, the lack of support, the lack of happiness....how do you forget?? Several people on here keep asking me if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life? NO...I can say that, but I always hope it will change somehow, with some divine intervention he will wake up and say wow.....today is a new day and I love my family and want to be happy. And as always, I sit here feeling guilty because he is right, I am different......I am detached and cold, it is all I have left - the hurt has been to much. I want to feel warmth inside again, happiness, joy! And, if it were just me in this I could move on and maybe regain that, but my daughter....it is her I am hurting for. She is beautiful and amazing and just a baby....already seperated parents...wow...not quite what I expected, not that anything in the past year and a half have been what I expected. I wish I could figure out where I went so terribly wrong...where did I lost myself into something like this..and now where do I go from here?? Lots of questions, and few answers....day by day I guess....so as my AH put it tonight refering to my past marriage, "Well, congrats you are 0 and 2."

LaTeeDa

First of all, life hardly ever turns out the way we thought. How boring it would be if it did!

Secondly, it isn't useful to look at this as failure. You haven't failed anything. You have been given some tough circumstances which have forced some tough decisions. And, it sounds like some more tough decisions still await you.

Third, his comment is abusive, manipulative, self-serving bs. He knows this is one of your soft spots, so that's where he goes with the sharp stick. I would venture that maybe even his suggestion to separate is really more about "getting you back in line" than it is about really separating.

It hurts. Yes it does. It's difficult, and that's putting it mildly. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but the more you can accept the reality of what is, and stay out of the magical thinking of what it "could be," the better. The longer you cling to the reality that exists only in your mind, the longer you will be in pain.

I've heard it compared to ripping off the bandaid vs. slowly pulling at it one hair at a time. It hurts a lot to pull it off quickly, but the pain is over sooner.

Whatever you decide to do, please take good care of yourself. If you don't, who will?

L

MissFixit

Hey there,

You will be okay. He is manipulating you and testing you. It is easier (more cowardly) to make the issue about you. Picking a fight and insulting you is a good way to do that.

Many here have been told that they didn't love the A enough, I was told that dozens of times. It doesn't amount to a hill of beans. It's what some people do when they get frustrated. Taking responsibility is much harder than blaming someone else.

These are the types of words, if you can, let roll off your back. LA LA LA, I am not listening.

Hug yourself, make a cup of tea or a hot bath. Try to calm down before going to bed.

XO

covington

You know this situation well enough to know what is love, and when you should trust, no matter what lines you're being fed. There's so much compassion here--

I can regain love. I will. I just don't need to try to regain his love or his definition of love. My friends and extended family's definition of love matter more. I've felt a lot of peace in recognizing that his definition of love is his, but by golly, it isn't mine.

When humans feel overwhelmed by pain it's a wake up call, one your body just can't ignore any more. That pain, when you feel it, is telling you that life should not feel like this. Something within you shifts in response. That's healthy, to want to avoid pain, and to protect your daughter. I think it's healthy to lose the desire to interact with someone who keeps hurting you! I'm proud of you for listening to your heart. name calling, the mean and hateful arguements, the lack of support, the lack of happiness are no way to live -- no matter how often someone else tells you that is love, it isn't. Do what is right for you -- why should forgetting and going back to more of the same be the right thing to do?

Sorry, I get a little worked up and I'll try to keep my posts shorter. Sometimes I'm writing here the emails I draft and never send to someone who just wouldn't understand a word coming out of my mouth. I hope you hear the more seasoned and understanding and calm veterans on the board and breathe deeply. Sometimes a bath sounds like much better, and truly compassionate way to focus. Peace to you, tonight.

Startingover2

I was told I was too negative. Who wouldn't be negative given the situation? Even when I tried to be positive and happy he still accused me of being negative.

I agree this isn't about you...its about him. He is trying to blameshift it all on you.

I know how your heart hurts for your baby. I have a small child too and she hasn't had her parents together since she was 4 months old. It sucks. I cry for her everyday, but I do believe this is better than the dysfunction she would have seen if I stayed with exah. I am going to do my best to never let her see his drinking.

I guess I am 0 for 2 as well and I do think about that. But you will never have a chance to be 1 for 2 if you don't change anything.

GiveLove

When I finally (after years of deliberation) left my XA, he told me "I'd become someone he didn't recognize," and someone who was "just focused on my own life." I can't tell you how hurt and confused I was by comments like that. I let them cut me.

But I would come to learn that I was GLAD I'd become someone he didn't recognize.
I was GLAD I was focused on my own life, because he had come to see me as someone who existed solely to support HIS life.

He didn't recognize me because -- just like you -- I had decided not to be a doormat any more. I had decided to no longer take his abuse. I had decided it wasn't good enough for me any more, because I have only one "wild and precious life" and I wasn't going to find the joy I wanted while I was with him. It was like standing by an empty well, praying for the water to come.

It hurt, mentallyaxh, but once I was away from the abuse, the comments, the manipulation, the drinking...........my life opened up to exactly the kind of happiness and love that I'd always craved.

Your daughter will be just fine, in fact she will be better if she's not forced to live with an active alcoholic parent.

And as far as "0 for 2" goes: I married at 40. I had several deep, long-term relationships with alcoholics before that, all of whom ended badly. I could look at that as being "0 for 4" or I could look at that as fine-tuning what I did and didn't want for my life.

With every step you take toward building a happy life, you win.

whyamistaying

I was told it was me who changed and grew up. They try to make it about "us" so they don't have to deal with the reality that their drinking actually contributed (in a big way) to the marriage.

Do you want to separate? It sounds like you don't want to continue living this way.

Chrysalis123

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Forgetting is often not a very wise thing to do, especially with an active alcoholic. As Dr. Phil says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." To me forgiveness is something I do for myself and my inner well-being. It allows me to release the issue/person so I can go on and live a productive and happy life no matter what that person chooses to do. I've learned to keep a safe distance form my XAH as he is not working a recovery program and the behavior is the same or even worse. I work each day on forgiving him......but even harder is forgiving myself for...

involving my teen daughters in this mess for so long. I am working hard at living amends to them as well as seeing to it they are exposed to emotionally mature and healthy men that value their families and treat women with respect to provide a counter example from the one their father has set.

TakingCharge999

dear mentallyexh,

my parents divorced when I was 3, it is sad things do not go as we expect.

you need your energy to share with your baby, so both of you can grow in an atmosphere of love and peace... BOTH OF YOU deserve tranquility in your lives.

if you decide to separate.. one day your daughter will understand you took the best decision for both of you. check the ACOA forum so you can see how much hurt children of alcoholics endure.

:ghug3

PS can i just say I find his comment vicious and demeaning? sheeeeeeeeeesh.
Well, congrats he is 0 and 3581861096710670... cans of beer!

FreeingMyself

So, after last nights moments - this morning was just as bad. He wouldn't talk to me really, then just started saying mean things. I was SO upset....after a couple hours he wanted to make it all better by laughing and giving me a hug. I told him all this wasn't a joke to me. He told me he had to talked to my oldest son and even he knows what a B I am, and wonders why I am so angry - talk about stabbing me, this hurt, really hurt. So after a while I left to go to my parents. I brought mine and the kids things to stay the night at least. That was at 1. Now at 5 he has called everyone in my family to make sure his daughter is ok...as if I would let anything happen to her ever....I take care of her everyday! July 20th I am moving to the other house.....this may be when we separate for a while......I feel so upset with myself for how bad it has gotten, and made that I feel bad for him because he has no one...why the H*** do I feel bad for him?

TakingCharge999

mentallyexh :ghug3

i am so glad you and the kids are in a safe place now... would there be any way that you can stay at your parents' these couple of weeks before the other house is ready?

i am so sorry to hear you are hurting, feel free to PM me anytime.. i do not have much answers but i am a good listener and i will be online working, most of the time this weekend.

please keep posting , we care very much!!

naive

hi mentallyexh-

i am glad to hear you left and are at your parents. can you stay for awhile and get some clear thinking time? it really helped me. i went to my mother's for a one month time-out and it was there i regain some clarity, laid my exit plan and prepared for my move out.

TrainWreckAgain

From my POV, this is just about manipulation. What he wants is to go back to the way things were before... when he could do whatever he wanted and you would go along with it.

You are a person he does not recognize. You are setting boundaries and defending them. Good for you. His talk, as mean and hurtful as it is, is just quacking. As long as he can make this "about you" he can avoid any responsibility for his own actions and decisions.

blessed4x

You are doing the best you can in a rotten situation. Mine said the exact same kind of things. He knew my buttons and pushed them every time. For months he would say he was going to divorce me, or ask who should file. Then, when I did file he told everyone it blindsided him and he is SO devastated and angry. Oh well. Sounds cold and hard, but really what I've learned is that living the way we were was cold and hard. I did the most loving thing I could for both of us AND our 4 kids.

It's been a little over a month since STBXAH moved out, and while I still have ups and downs, the peace in my life has multiplied. He remains angry and bitter. He has done and said some crazy stuff over the past few weeks. Not that it matters what others think, but people do see it for what it is, if that's something you worry about. I've maintained my serenity while he spins out of control. And this time I just have to let him keep spinning.

Keep the focus on you and your daughter. You will be shocked at how different it looks when you have a little time out of the situation. I still wonder how I lived that way for so long.

Gypsy Feet

you know what is sad? Even if the thing were to happen that you hold out hope for, even if he were to "wake up' and start being wonderful, the damage is done. My on again off again husband quit drinking 6 months ago, and none of the "old" feelings came back. I know I will be happier and healthier when I get out on my own. I know he will probably go back go back to being a depressed, lonely drunk and that makes me sad for him.

Take care of you. Your daughter deserves healthy relationships as roll models.

GiveLove

Maybe "he has no one" because he has treated everyone else as badly as he's treated you, and they decided not to take it any more either.

And this is your problem....how?

Have you been able to read Codependent No More yet, mentallyaxh? It opened a lot of doors for me, and helped me to see the answers to questions like yours.

Separation might give you a chance to really clear your head.
Hoping so --

beginner

Hey - I feel for you, because I'm in a very similar situation to you. My husband left me yesterday, and I am 21 weeks pregnant. You can imagine what's going through my mind - probably similar to what's going on in your's! His comments to me before he left (after physically hurting me I might add - because his temper is out of control as a sober/dry-drunk) were blaming me, and my reaction to that was to be filled with guilt and wondering whether if I had done something differently, then perhaps it would not have resulted in the painful circumstance we are in now.

Normally he goes off for a few days and I invite him to come back with promises that he will get help for his drinking and temper - but he never does.

I feel bad for me being left alone in the world it seems, with a baby to raise on my own. And I feel bad for my baby to be born into a world without two loving parents to tend to him. But the alternative is worse - and I think that, like me, you need to consider what your child is growing up with having your AH in her life. She is going to develop adapting behaviour to her alcoholic father by growing up in that environment that will damage her for the rest of her life emotionally and psychologically - unless he is in treatment/actively working on his recovery. Do you want that for your child? I read a statistic that said that children of alcoholics were 4x more likely to become an alcoholic themselves than those that are not.

Personally, I want to protect my son from living a world of ongoing pain and misery caused by alcoholism in the family, so it is good that my husband leaves and remains gone while he does not get treatment and does not seek help. Despite how I feel and the pain it causes me to be without him, it is better for my child. You cannot make your husband give it up, get help and be the father your child deserves - but you can decide what your child lives with.

I really do like the advice the others have given here about the way he has blamed and manipulated you. My husband's comments are so similar to your's - there is a common thread here, and their advice to you is very good.

beginner

Another encouragement I would like to add is this:

Although the day has opened up like a long lonely night and all I want to do is phone my friend and companion - the man that I love, instead I put on some beautiful music and have little moments where I relish the peace. Even my cat seems happier, less hiding and more cuddling up to me, and my baby kicks me happily. There is no arguing, no tension, no shouting, no name calling. Just peace and beautiful music playing.

How about filling the emptiness by relishing the peace that has replaced all the chaos? And take care of yourself with beautiful soft music, a nice warm bubble bath, your favourite movie, favourite food, a nice comforting warm relaxing drink, comfy clothes, good conversations with close friends? It's time to take care of yourself.