hotamale

so, he fell off the wagon and was horrible to me last weekend with his lacerating tongue. i immediately cut him out of my life. he texted me 2 times with apologies and 1 email apologizing again, explaining that he called his therapist and asked why he lashed out at me, etc. giving me a rational explanation for being a jerk.

in no way did he want to reconnect with me or contact me further. he stated he just wanted to apologize for being cruel.

Q: we go to law school together and school starts in august. we will see eachother a minimum of 3 nights/week. what do i do? do i forgive him (which terrifies me b/c he is so smart and charming and i don;t know if i have the strength to detach, again) OR am i supposed to be the angry bitch forever (which is exhausting).

where does the forgiveness lie? he is a kind and gentle person...and is truly sorry for his actions. i have not responded, but am just wondering what to do in august?

thanks---

MissFixit

Maybe since you have already decided to go no contact, you stick with that for now.

LaTeeDa

Why not wait till August to decide what to do in August? What about today? What about now? Can you work on forgiveness now? Not for him, but for you? Can you accept that he is a mostly good person with a cruel streak who turns it on you if you put yourself within range? Can you work on getting strong enough to stay out of range? Can you allow him to be his imperfect self, and still protect yourself by not getting within range? You said being the angry bitch is exhausting. That's what forgiveness is for. So you can carry on with your own life while he carries on with his. It's called letting go......

L

covington

OK, so he calls his therapist to whom he pays money to figure out why he likes to lash out at you, and

Q: Is his behavior

(a) amusing (b) engaging (c) more fun than Will Shortz (d) painful?

When on campus I knew of three thousand eligible men, and at least three very very interesting ones at any point in time. And it would appear you would have three nights a week free if you went no contact.

And yes, I also vote for enjoying the entirety of July, for meditation, and for finding forgiveness for the fact that you might be happier if you were on separate paths. Maybe. I like your gut instinct to not answer and wait it out.

Q: What is different about how you feel this time from the other times you've cut someone out of your life?

Q: What do you feel within you is a sign that your behavior is bringing you within range of being hurt by him?

Q: How can you act or react differently when you feel yourself moving within range so that you are taking care of yourself?

DesertEyes

I see a difference between forgiveness and absolution. Forgive is what a bank does when it costs them too much money to chase down a deadbeat. They "forgive" the debt, but they don't "absolve" you from the responsibility of your actions. They report you to the credit companys and they will never trust you again.

Absolution is what a parent does to a child that spills a glass of milk. It really is the parents fault for giving the child a too full glass. I did that with my kids a couple of times * lol *

I have forgiven my ex-wife for destroying our marriage. The reason I forgave is her because she will never be able to "pay me back" for what she did. If I spend the rest of my life waiting for her to apologize or somehow humiliate herself I will become a bitter, sour person. That gains me nothing. Instead, I am getting on with my life and finding my own happiness without her.

If some day she gets into recovery, stays clean and sober for a million years I still won't ever trust her again. I have not _absolved_ her. She is still responsible for the damage she did to us, and to those other marriages where she had affairs with the men. She is not a child, she is an adult and needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. I'll be civil to her, treat her with respect and consideration. But that's it, nothing more.

What I have "forgiven" is the debt that will never be repaid, because it will cost _me_ more to pursue it than to get past it.

Mike

suki44883

Very well said, Mike.

GiveLove

This guy:
Doesn't sound like he is this:
He doesn't sound kind, gentle, or sorry. He sounds manipulative as hell.
For today, and from this perspective, staying no-contact seems like a great plan for you. Forgiveness might be a high priority for him, but you might ask yourself why it's such a high priority for you.

I've learned to be sickened at the "charming and manipulative" type, and I hope by August you will too. In the meantime: keep building a life you love, where you are treated the way you deserve to be treated. You may find that you're sick of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hydes in your life, and want something better.

MissFixit

Hi,

Months ago I wanted action NOW. I wanted to DO something anything now. I needed resolve.

Someone wise here told me that things will unfold in HP's time, not my time. LTD, Barbara, Give Love, was it one of you? This helped me to realize that I didn't NEED to act now. Didn't NEED to DO something now. It could wait. Letting things settle was the best advice I recieved. Adding more misery and words into the mix at that time would have done nothing except make me nuts and increase the hostility.

hotamale

you are right. i need to just wait. i just...wish i could know, NOW, how am i going to act and be and feel then. sounds v silly.

i am so happy to not have anything to do with him anymore. and, of course, in his email when he said he was not going to contact me again and he knew he and i were totally over, he reneged that idea and called me twice yesterday. ahhh, the lies. we are no contact and that will continue...but DAMN, why the guy make me habitually have to remind myself what i am worth and what i deserve? it is like a test for myself every day!

i am so thankful he and i weren't more involved because i really don;t know how some of you who have subscribed to the crazy cycle have gotten out and stayed out. that amount of strength is incredible.

TakingCharge999

hi hotamale!

ah don't be anxious about august... it will be trying of course, if you have to see him in class, etc... but i have seen my x almost daily... x and his new enabler many times... and i don't say this as "poor me" but as in, if this codie queen is able to find joy and disengange... you will be able to do it, too you focus on your studies and i focus on my work

at some point you will be grateful the only interactions are work or school-related and in those contexts they have to behave, and you are safe.

time+inner work+activities you love+ppl that are worth your time+HP= happy hotamale