luciddreamrgrl

Hello all,

Today is day 4 with zero contact from my XABF. It has been 3 weeks since we split. I have been crying all day. I'm not sure why because the last few days of "no contact" have been empowering for me. Today, I feel like I'm back to square 1.

I want to call him, or text him, or be with him so bad. I just want to run over there and tell him how much I love him and how I wish he would get help. Rediculous, I know as I understand I cannot "cure" him. The hardest part for me has been the fact that he hasn't begged me back like most alcoholics do. He is the type to shut down his emotions and drink his sorrows away. But sometimes I feel like I wasn't good enough to "beg" back. Like maybe he didn't love me as much as he always said he did.

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't regret what I did. I know I did what was right for my son and I. I know all of the three C's. But moving forward has been so very difficult. I try to keep myself busy with projects, but everywhere I go, everything I see and everything I hear still seems to remind me of him. I even made a list of all the good things and the bad things about our relationship. I must say, I had to struggle to write down the good list. The bad list filled 2 pages. So why do I feel this way? I must be insane.

I keep telling myself, 1 day at a time. But my mind always goes back to the thought of him getting help, going to AA and asking me back. I dream of him coming to my door and telling me how much he misses me. If that were to happen, I would be happy but at the same time, I would feel like a failure! 3 weeks of trying to move forward for me to just fall back into the same old patterns as before. I'm so confused.

Please help me. My emotions are worse than a pregnant woman right now!

kv816

I wish I had some words of comfort for you but I'm going through the same thing. Feeling like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't right now.

Hang in there, it gets easier. I haven't had contact for awhile now, most nights are easier than others. Just takes time.

LaTeeDa

It takes more than time....

Time is needed, sure. But, for me, it took some real soul-searching. I had to figure out what hole in myself I was trying to fill with him. I had to dig out all those dark demons inside me and shine the bright light on them to diminish their power. Some of those demons had been hidden away since childhood. I also had to admit that it wasn't him who caused all the problems in my life. If it was, then I should have been fine once he was gone, right? But, I wasn't. It was a bit of a scary process, and I couldn't have done it without a competent counselor. Some people can do it on their own. I needed help. I'm so glad I sought it out.

L

luciddreamrgrl

Thanks for your responses. I think I may need to see a counciler. It seems rediculous as we were only together for 2 years. We weren't even married. But I truly thought this guy was it! We may as well have been married because we lived together and did everything together.

LaTeeDa,

I have been trying to do some soul searching. I have figured out that mostly I'm just scared and lazy. This is the first time I've ever truly been alone. I lived with my parents, then I got married. Then I got divorced and moved right back into my parents house. Then I got with my XABF and moved out of my parents house directly in with him. This is my FIRST place that I can call my own. I got it on my own, I moved in on my own, and I'm paying the bills on my own. Thats the scared part. The lazy part, is the thought of having to find another man to be with. I'm not very good at dating. I'm a home body and I don't like to go out much. I prefer sitting at home, watching movies and cuddling. I don't bar hop. How am I supposed to meet someone? I met my X on the internet. Not sure I want to do that again.

I guess I should try and be alone for awhile. I'm just starting to feel comfortable in my new place. I'm here by myself right now as my son is with his daddy. I still can't sleep in the bed we shared though. I sleep on the couch

I'm rambling now. Sorry. Thanks again for all the support.

LaTeeDa

Why do you think you have to find another man to be with?

L

luciddreamrgrl

Good question!

I guess I always wanted a happy marriage and family. Its like my life goal or something. I look at all my friends around me who have these wonderfully happy marriages and do family things together. That's what I want. I know I have trouble being alone and that's probably part of my codependecy problem. I am addicted to being in love I guess. It's funny how, looking at another person's addiction, has lead me to see my own.

Wascally Wabbit

lucid, you need something to look forward to! Break ups are bad because we think now, we have nothing good to look forward to any more. Even when the relationship was destructive. Why not join a group in your town. Many towns have art classes, karate classes etc. It gives you something to look forward to.

LaTeeDa

Now that's some good soul-searching going on!

L

Amazonqueen522

Wow reading your posting was like if I had written it myself! I am going through the same thing I was dating a man that I meant last year while I was in one of the worst drunken stages of my life. Now that I am sober almost 6 months it seems as though we are strangers. I constantly think that its my fault since I dont do the things we did together last year...drink and get high. I know that I need to let life take its course and it may be painful for awhile but something good comes out of everything bad that happens in life.

Please stay strong! we can get through this together! Once again thanks for your share...

MissFixit

Amazon,

Congratulations on your sobriety.

Hugs