Just wondering...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 23
Just wondering...
I've been looking and looking and making phone calls and I can't seem to find a single meeting in my area that coincides with my work schedule. All the meetings I see are for certain cities surrounding me, but that are too far for me to get to. This confuses me, being as it's Tampa...wouldn't you think there'd be more? If anyone has any idea if there are meetings that I may be unaware of in the Tampa Bay area, please let me know.
The AH and I got into a tiff the other night. I went to a bar with my sister and some of her friends on her BIRTHDAY. He said before he doesn't like me going to clubs without him...so I stopped going to clubs. Now, all of a sudden, I can't go to bars without him either. And, NOW if he can't drink, I can't drink. All of a sudden he decided to lash out at me b/c he was telling me to not go to clubs or bars without him b/c he didn't like the idea...and I shot back with the fact that what I'm doing is harmless, I"m surrounded by people that would take care of me in a heartbeat...that I trust, yet he knows how I feel about drinking and driving especially...and he told me to F off b/c it's different. So...I'm bothered. Now, after him crying and admitting he has a problem-knowing the fact that it upsets me to no end (knowing is NOT understanding), he says " F* you, I'll drink what I want, where I want, what I want."
He thinks I'm trying to control him. I'm not. It really does kill me inside and he doesn't even give a crap. All the things he wants me to fix and tells me "you can't do that or it's over" I stop doing those things b/c I love him and don't want to lose him. I'm so confused. It's killing me inside not knowing what the hell to do. I can't even have a simple conversation with him about it without me being the bad guy. *sniffle sniffle* ARGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! It's emotionally draining. He says one thing, then turns around and says the exact opposite and I don't know which guy to listen to. I need a meeting.
The AH and I got into a tiff the other night. I went to a bar with my sister and some of her friends on her BIRTHDAY. He said before he doesn't like me going to clubs without him...so I stopped going to clubs. Now, all of a sudden, I can't go to bars without him either. And, NOW if he can't drink, I can't drink. All of a sudden he decided to lash out at me b/c he was telling me to not go to clubs or bars without him b/c he didn't like the idea...and I shot back with the fact that what I'm doing is harmless, I"m surrounded by people that would take care of me in a heartbeat...that I trust, yet he knows how I feel about drinking and driving especially...and he told me to F off b/c it's different. So...I'm bothered. Now, after him crying and admitting he has a problem-knowing the fact that it upsets me to no end (knowing is NOT understanding), he says " F* you, I'll drink what I want, where I want, what I want."
He thinks I'm trying to control him. I'm not. It really does kill me inside and he doesn't even give a crap. All the things he wants me to fix and tells me "you can't do that or it's over" I stop doing those things b/c I love him and don't want to lose him. I'm so confused. It's killing me inside not knowing what the hell to do. I can't even have a simple conversation with him about it without me being the bad guy. *sniffle sniffle* ARGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! It's emotionally draining. He says one thing, then turns around and says the exact opposite and I don't know which guy to listen to. I need a meeting.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Damaged,
Here's a link for Alanon meetings in Florida. I don't know which part you are in, but I did a search for Alanon in Tampa and this is what came up...hopefully this will help.
http://www.theagapecenter.com/AlAnoninUSA/Florida.htm
Just try to hang in there and do what Meg suggested in my post - start setting boundaries. Don't let yourself do what he doesn't want you to do - he's controlling you and you are letting him. Do what makes you feel good and let him know that you're not going to not do things just because he doesn't like them. If he lashes back and says he's going to do what he wants - just let him. You've got to start focusing on you and your recovery. The rest will come naturally.
Good luck this weekend! And know we're here if you need us.
Hugs,
Kitkat
Here's a link for Alanon meetings in Florida. I don't know which part you are in, but I did a search for Alanon in Tampa and this is what came up...hopefully this will help.
http://www.theagapecenter.com/AlAnoninUSA/Florida.htm
Just try to hang in there and do what Meg suggested in my post - start setting boundaries. Don't let yourself do what he doesn't want you to do - he's controlling you and you are letting him. Do what makes you feel good and let him know that you're not going to not do things just because he doesn't like them. If he lashes back and says he's going to do what he wants - just let him. You've got to start focusing on you and your recovery. The rest will come naturally.
Good luck this weekend! And know we're here if you need us.
Hugs,
Kitkat
Hi Damaged,
I never realized this before but when I was in a similar position as you, I was the one being controlled; or "manipulated".
By NOT doing things because he insists that you don't, he is manipulating you into creating an easier road for him.
And of course there could be many reasons why he doesn't want you to go.
For my AH, going out and being "seen" meant that he was in danger of losing me to someone else. I was his safety, his "soft place to fall"... without me, he might just have to "see" himself for what he is.
Thru time, the dysfunctional relationships with our A's are often created in order to maintain the A's habits and behaviors; the enabling, the whole darn cycle. The world revolves around them, and it has to - if the cycle were to start veering off track, the A would begin to falter.
As hard as it is, try NOT to focus on the words and actions he gives you; often they are meant to manipulate. Try to focus on yourself, and like kitkat said, begin to set some healthy boundaries just for YOU.
I hope you can find a meeting! (I'm not much help, considering I am a country away lol)
Meg
I never realized this before but when I was in a similar position as you, I was the one being controlled; or "manipulated".
By NOT doing things because he insists that you don't, he is manipulating you into creating an easier road for him.
And of course there could be many reasons why he doesn't want you to go.
For my AH, going out and being "seen" meant that he was in danger of losing me to someone else. I was his safety, his "soft place to fall"... without me, he might just have to "see" himself for what he is.
Thru time, the dysfunctional relationships with our A's are often created in order to maintain the A's habits and behaviors; the enabling, the whole darn cycle. The world revolves around them, and it has to - if the cycle were to start veering off track, the A would begin to falter.
As hard as it is, try NOT to focus on the words and actions he gives you; often they are meant to manipulate. Try to focus on yourself, and like kitkat said, begin to set some healthy boundaries just for YOU.
I hope you can find a meeting! (I'm not much help, considering I am a country away lol)
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Damaged,
I can really relate to what your saying......what I do is NEVER the right thing or good enough and what HE can do and what I can do are totally different things.
My husband a year ago practically lived at the local watering hole. Was there almost every day, but if I go ANYWHERE...that includes dinner with a girlfriend (not a bar) I get the third degree. Things were improving, but he is on a backslide and I got reemed over all the time I spend on the computer. That is the same computer that he used to complain that I never used it and he went to all the trouble to set it up for me.
They don't know what makes them happy and we sit around trying to help them be happy. I doesn't ever happen and then when they aren't happy the have someone to blame....not themselves of course, but US!!
Hope that you find a meeting that fits your schedule!
Blessings,
Constant
I can really relate to what your saying......what I do is NEVER the right thing or good enough and what HE can do and what I can do are totally different things.
My husband a year ago practically lived at the local watering hole. Was there almost every day, but if I go ANYWHERE...that includes dinner with a girlfriend (not a bar) I get the third degree. Things were improving, but he is on a backslide and I got reemed over all the time I spend on the computer. That is the same computer that he used to complain that I never used it and he went to all the trouble to set it up for me.
They don't know what makes them happy and we sit around trying to help them be happy. I doesn't ever happen and then when they aren't happy the have someone to blame....not themselves of course, but US!!
Hope that you find a meeting that fits your schedule!
Blessings,
Constant
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
That was my revelation this week: no matter what I did when he was sober he wouldn't have been happy...
There is a reason for their drinking and they have to figure that out on their own and be willing to fix it themselves...there is nothing we can do but be supportive when they ask for it (but stick by our guns and our boundaries).
Man this can be tricky :-).
There is a reason for their drinking and they have to figure that out on their own and be willing to fix it themselves...there is nothing we can do but be supportive when they ask for it (but stick by our guns and our boundaries).
Man this can be tricky :-).
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
recovery = freedom
I am still floundering around here a bit but I have been meaning to post a note anyway - that it seems to me recovery leads to freedom. I see people saying they don't drink because of their spouses problem. I certainly understand that and have done it before. But in the long run, recovery means being you no matter what they say or do, that means if you want to go somewhere or even drink a beer, it is your decision. And they can take it or leave it, same as us.
I think you may have two problems here, the addition problem, plus his "acting out" from his own insecurities. I am not sure there is any easy way to go if you are going to live together. The best thing is to get strong, as you are planning to do.
Just a couple of last thoughts.
This is 2003 and grown women do not have to obey any more. You may co-operate but you need not obey. You may do something because you want it easier but certainly not because anyone can make you. If he doesn't like it, he can deal with it. And if he did leave, it would not be the worst thing in the world I think, and even if he did, he would be back soon enough. It would be more of a power play than a plan.
Lastly, there is a book called "Men who hate women and the women who love them." It helped me to understand how some men act. Some, not all. It is not about As in particular but certainly includes a lot of their behaviors and suggests strategies for you, if you choose to deal with the situation.
Good luck, hon. Don't let him get you down. You know he is in the wrong here. Blessings.
I think you may have two problems here, the addition problem, plus his "acting out" from his own insecurities. I am not sure there is any easy way to go if you are going to live together. The best thing is to get strong, as you are planning to do.
Just a couple of last thoughts.
This is 2003 and grown women do not have to obey any more. You may co-operate but you need not obey. You may do something because you want it easier but certainly not because anyone can make you. If he doesn't like it, he can deal with it. And if he did leave, it would not be the worst thing in the world I think, and even if he did, he would be back soon enough. It would be more of a power play than a plan.
Lastly, there is a book called "Men who hate women and the women who love them." It helped me to understand how some men act. Some, not all. It is not about As in particular but certainly includes a lot of their behaviors and suggests strategies for you, if you choose to deal with the situation.
Good luck, hon. Don't let him get you down. You know he is in the wrong here. Blessings.
H i countrygirl,
Good to see you
For me, recovery isn't as simple as "being me" no matter what others say or do.
The fact that I am searching my own recovery, and working a program in Alanon, means that I HAVE been affected by someone elses drinking; and that I have experienced a less that desirable "me" in dealing with it all.
It means recognizing my Codependant, enabling and self-defeating behaviors and working to correct them, or find a different / better way of living. To me, doing this is like completely reversing the way in which I have functioned for years... it is at times, very difficult and completely foreign.
I have in the past tried to make HIM happy by NOT going places or doing things that he disliked or was uncomfortable with. I don't anymore, because I have recognized HIS intentions and also because I have recognized how I was "reacting" and trying to keep the peace. I now have healthy boundaries that WORK. Thank goodness!
To me, I am strong because I am taking care of myself. I am proud and happy to be married to the man who is my A. He is currently working his own program of recovery and I am so thankful. But it is HIS program to work... and if he relapses, he will have to pick himself back up - it doesn't necessarily mean I will kick him to the curb. I deserve his love, and he deserves mine for as long as we are still willing.
Meg
Good to see you
For me, recovery isn't as simple as "being me" no matter what others say or do.
The fact that I am searching my own recovery, and working a program in Alanon, means that I HAVE been affected by someone elses drinking; and that I have experienced a less that desirable "me" in dealing with it all.
It means recognizing my Codependant, enabling and self-defeating behaviors and working to correct them, or find a different / better way of living. To me, doing this is like completely reversing the way in which I have functioned for years... it is at times, very difficult and completely foreign.
I have in the past tried to make HIM happy by NOT going places or doing things that he disliked or was uncomfortable with. I don't anymore, because I have recognized HIS intentions and also because I have recognized how I was "reacting" and trying to keep the peace. I now have healthy boundaries that WORK. Thank goodness!
To me, I am strong because I am taking care of myself. I am proud and happy to be married to the man who is my A. He is currently working his own program of recovery and I am so thankful. But it is HIS program to work... and if he relapses, he will have to pick himself back up - it doesn't necessarily mean I will kick him to the curb. I deserve his love, and he deserves mine for as long as we are still willing.
Meg
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