bearfeet

Don't you think it's just sometimes easier? When you are ground down, just to accept and pretend that their way of life, drinking, not working, insular, insulting, disrespectful, cowardly, having no responsibilities or real love for anyone or anything is easier?

I've given up my futile mission now, pretence is although soul destroying, far, far easier. See one 'Darling' or one kiss here and there supports my pathetic failure.

All that pain & all that soul searching and what for?

-Surrender to what he wanted all along.

Well done Me. x

isurvived

You can give up on trying to change him.

You can even give up on yourself for a time.
Catch your breath. Rest.

And then get up and get going on YOUR life!

luciddreamrgrl

I'm not sure I'm totally following here, but I had a conversation with a coworker today that opened my eyes like I wouldn't believe. It's funny how one conversation, or posting on a message board can really have an impact.

I was telling my coworker about my situation as she had heard through the grapevine that I was going through a breakup. I told her that he never treated us bad, or hit us, or insulted us. That he held a job and paid the bills. Then I told her about the alcoholism.

So she said to me, "what exactly was so great about him?". So I said to her, "what I just told you, he was good to us and all that he did was drink to much". So then she said to me, "But Sarah, those are things he is SUPPOSED to do."

It took me a minute to understand, but what she was trying to say is that, as a codependent, I accepting the "normal" things boyfriends do, as above and beyond. ANY man should treat me kindly, and hold down a job, and do basic things around the house. These things aren't anything special. So why am I viewing him as some superior man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, even though he drank too much and most of the time blamed ME for doing so. I am a good enough person to go out and find a someone who will do these "normal" things AND love me enough to NOT drink and NOT blame me for things that are not within my control.

Once you realize that you have self value, you can move on and find someone who is truly good for you. You will start seeing that you do not deserve these things that the A's do.

Please realize that a "darling" here and a kiss there, are NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! You deserve so much better and the easy route may seem easier, but in the long run, it is not.

bearfeet

Thank you T2S, really, sometimes it's so nice to get such instructions to be so nice!

I only wish I could. I don't see me or my life now just what he must percieve as desirable. I was doing so well too so I thought. At least now the weariness has gone. I don't care what he does to us or what pain he inflicts (without him even knowing of course) anymore. I'm me, I've chosen this God awful path for myself and my baby. The worst I could probably find.

But all I feel is alongside the guilt and shame over the choice, relief that I no longer need to search and strive. It's **** but it's what I've chosen to live with. No-ones fault, not his, not anyones but my own.

It just feels cathartic to give up the struggle, I know he's wrong but I no longer care a jot.


Does anyone understand that? Like it's a weight gone? but NOT in a good way.

xxxxx

bearfeet

Thank you Lucid. I know that's what a normal Husband and Father act like. My own Father, since my Mum is no longer with us, has practically raised my Daughter and My Brother & In-Laws etc do just that on a daily basis. I know what you and your colleague mean as every normal person in the world does, I know what you mean when someone says it and it's still a shocker! So thank you for sharing that.

I have met & rekindled relationhips with kind, decent, loving, sober men in the months we've been separated but I end up feeling cold & hating toward them... Why? They are not him.

He's a horrid waste of space so why oh why am I wasting my life and my precious beautiful daughters life on him?

I haven't got the answer, I just know that I can't stop anymore than he can. Ebbs and Flows but the reality is always there.

Thanks again, sorry for the ramble ;-) x

TakingCharge999

bearfeet, do not be so hard with yourself...

you are on the right path, you may stumble, look back, but remember this is not all aimless. the objective and prize being a life in peace and sanity and joy for YOU and lil bearfeet. it is difficult to grasp now because it may not be totally there already, but this is the place you are walking to day by day.

when suddenly you realize you are not obsessed, or not as obsessed anymore, when you realize you have wonderful ppl around you, old and new.. it will be SO worth it.

sometimes as i still feel undeserving, i take advantage of my codie nature and think:

- my parents deserve to have a daughter free of an AH.. as they live away they deserve to live knowing i am only with good ppl. not being around an abusive person and a driving madman, they worked A LOT, they took care of me in the ways they could.. for ME to throw it down the drain..? they deserve to die in peace (in a thousand years hopefully) knowing i got a good partner beside me

- my sister deserves her little sister to be OK and be sending nonsensical stuff via Facebook and sharing and motivating her in our sisterly way that is so damn SPECIAL.. she deserves this, she does not deserve the "silent treatment" because i am too depressed to log in or even send a HI IM STILL HERE message

- my future kids deserve a father.. F A T H E R.. not a drunken adolescent, not someone who will abandon them physically and emotionally day by day... they deserve a better life and a father figure present in their lives...

-my real friends deserve more of my jokes, and my drawings, many have asked for paintings and they deserve to have a piece of my wonderful art LOL

so similarly... can you think of the postive impact your changes have in others? see how your decisions impact your daughter, your close family, the friends that are really YOUR FRIENDS?

if i think about me i am still many times unmotivated, but when i think about a future baby i may have and a dad playing with her i will feel i actually had an impact on this world and STOPPED the "abandonment", lack of male affection theme running in my family.

hope this helps... you are doing good!! focus, focus!!

Mambo Queen

Bearfeet, I understand how you feel as I have felt it before too...that feeling that it's just easier to go with what you know and accept a ******, but comfortable in its familiarity, life, rather than do the hard work of getting over your obsession with the A and getting yourself some sanity and the hope for a better future.

In the past few months I've filed for divorce, started seeing a therapist, began a new relationship, started attending AA meetings for myself, as well as posted here and talked about my codie tendencies with a few trusted friends and relatives. Guess what? I STILL sometimes have moments where I think, "Wouldn't it be easier to just throw in the towel and give him (STBXAH) what he says he wants, which is me back?" But I'm not going to let myself, because I've come too far and worked too hard to throw it all away, and I know I would just die if I did go back and he ever went back to his old ways, and of course I have NO guarantees that wouldn't happen. It IS hard work. And sometimes it feels like it's too much. But I'd rather be in some pain and discomfort now, knowing there's a prize of a more peaceful, saner life for me and my daughter down the road, than continue to live in the more comfortable, soul-deadening pain I had become so accustomed to before.

I hope after a time you'll come to the same conclusion for yourself. I think you will, too.

MeHandle

bearfeet,

it's hard to be on a mission to help someone else when you are depleted by their abuse towards you and you need to heal.

Have you yet recognized and/or need to admit the depth of this, that you are a victim of his abuses? Not in just intellect and heart, but in deep feeling?

And no, I didn't give up anything but a "false" idea, instead I surrendered to God to heal and rescue me. I recognized he was abusing "me" and I admitted I was a victim of my own intellect. I discovered I was a victim. The victim can't minister support to the victimizer while under abuse by the victimizer bearfeet.( for me it was being in a marriage by myself and holding on to marriage- I didn't feel the need to have to save him.) This victim part of me couldn't heal until I recognized I was an actual victim. And the other parts of my mind and spirit weren't always functioning correctly because they were under stress too because of abuse. Once I recognizing I was actually a victim, I was able to make decisions of what I was willing to volunteer for, so I would not be a victim any longer. But once I recognized I was a victim I had to admit I was a victim and see it wasn't about giving up on him( or for me on my marriage. Instead this made it so I could let him suffer the consequences of his actions. I can do this with a heart of love because I know that he is not choosing his bottom with me in the picture and i want him to hit bottom with the hope that he will choose to rise up. He may never rise up from a bottom, but it won't be because I didn't step out of his way so he could hit it.

love tammy

MissFixit

Bearfeet,

Hi. I am sorry that you are hurting.

You mentioned rekindling relationships with male friends who treat you well and you get angry with them. I have done this as well and thought long and hard about it.

Not sure exactly, but for me it was feeling angry that these other men could be nice to me and my ex chose not to. I wasn't mad at them, but rather myself and the situation with the ex. I think the gut reaction is, if they can be nice, why can't he? I had to examine this one and came to the conclusion for myself that they weren't him and he wasn't them. Brilliant, right? He is sick and they weren't. That anger or frustration in my mind is us seeing that goodness is out there and we aren't getting it from the one we love.

So, what do you do from there? I am by no means anyone to follow on this, but self examination may help. Taking better care of yourself. That means treating yourself well and being around people who really love and RESPECT you and themselves.

I hope this helps,

Miss

Mair

"You mentioned rekindling relationships with male friends who treat you well and you get angry with them. I have done this as well and thought long and hard about it."

snap.. i have done the same. and my conclusion was i had gotten so used to being treated badly that for anyone to be nice was really difficult to handle, compliments would anger me. It takes time to love yourself and it takes time to let anyone else love you.

Gill

laurie6781

I'm reading in this that you are planning on getting back with him????? I sure hope not!!!!!!

You see, your baby doesn't have a 'choice' in this. Please think about her. Go over and read on the "Adult Children of Alcoholics Forum" PLEASE.

Please do some more 'thinking' and discussing with a therapist on this.

Sending prayers for you and the baby.

Love and hugs,

freya

As far as I can see, this has nothing to do with acceptance -- it has to do with resignation. And it doesn't sound easy -- or even easier -- to me. It sounds deadly. Actually, I have very little experience lying or pretending. I totally s*ck at both of them, and I have no interest in becoming more proficient...can't really imagine anything that would be a bigger waste of my time.

I can definitely see the advantages in giving up a futile mission, but only if it's replaced with a healthy-for-you mission you can actually accomplish....like maybe taking care of yourself and getting what you want regardless of what he does or does not do and regardless of whether or not he is in your life or not??????

freya

LaTeeDa

I see so many similarities between alcoholics and codependents.

I wanted so badly for my husband to break his addiction to alcohol. Yet, I was unwilling to do the hard work of breaking my addiction to him.

He would stop drinking for a little while, then go right back to it. I would take care of myself for a little while, then go right back to the madness.

It seems easier, but the price is extremely high. See my sig quote......

L

Edit to add--I am the daughter of an alcoholic father. It has caused me untold pain and many years of misery that I am just now (in my mid-forties) beginning to get a grip on. I feel so sad for your daughter.

naive

bearfeat-

i do understand. i imagine that you know when you don't think things can get any worse, they do indeed get worse.

what are your local friends saying? or your father? what is your therapist saying? (if you have one)

have you tried praying to your hp?

i wonder if you might get back with him, but after a few days, you'll remember just how he is and separate.

i don't think you are the same as you were. maybe it takes spending some time with him to remember.

keep us informed, if you please.

Seren

I'm sorry to hear this....I'm so sad for your complete resignation....which is, I agree, completely different from acceptance. I hope you will decide that you deserve a better life.

Also, I agree with Anvil. If you can't help yourself, then please help your precious daughter.

I'm hoping and praying for better days ahead for you both! Hugs, HG

TakingCharge999

Oh I re-read the whole thread

And now I wonder if its true and you are going back to him....?

I understood you were just wondering if staying "would have been easier" but keeping away from him.

Whatever your decisions are, bearfeet, please be aware that we are not judging you, for many of us we have came back once or a million times just to find further hurt.

I also had a chance to go back to madness and hurt and do something really harmful - and thought to myself

"OK TC, you have suffered for.. 9 months now? is it enough? or are you in for more destruction? are you really DONE? or do you want more of the same cr*p? if you want destruction, if you feed from your sadness, you know EXACTLY what to do. Go ahead then. Do it, but be a WOMAN and assume you are consciously visiting the swamp of crocodiles - don't expect any further help from anyone when the croc comes out to get another piece of you"

And I agree, if you take those decisions, its your choice but do not put someone innocent in the middle of this... that is just not fair.

Ceridwen

well: you sure don't sound happy. and you know what? I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who felt like this about me, would you? If I had toput in an enormous effort to get someone to be with me (convince them, hang around long enough that they got worn down and gave in), what would that mean? would I be happy about that relationship? feel secure in it? how would I treat someone who needed that much persuading to be with me, and then didn't really want to be there?

what would he get out of that? think aboout it, because its not that pretty. and way more importantly what do you think you get out of this? happiness? because I think you've gone beyond blissful ignorance now havn't you? I think your powers of denial might not be as strong as they once were, because you are hardly jumping for joy at being back with him, the wool doesn't fit over your eyes completely any more. sorry.

I went back to february, you were having a hard time, but here you sound happy, JOYFUL


that post had a profound affect on me, thank you, anfd the bit in bold is something I hold in my heart still.

be that happy bearfeet.

Blondie

When I asked my mother-in-law why she put up with my alcoholic father-in-laws craziness and abuse (verbal and physical) she said that it was just easier to give in and not fight it, and she never had the courage to leave and she was so beaten down after 40+ years of it. I have taken a lesson from her life. She gave in all of the time to the craziness and always catered to him and always focused on what HE wanted always, but of course it was never enough and he blamed her for EVERYTHING. Now she is 70 and has suffered greatly. In the past 25 years she has had half of her stomach removed (do to nerves), a heart attack, breast cancer and now glycoma (she can't drive and he won't take her anywhere). She just sits alone at home and now drinks everyday herself and he goes out whenever he pleases to do whatever HE wants with whoever. She is waiting to die. It is heartbreaking seeing her. When my father-in-law is around he never stops calling her stupid and telling her how useless whatever she is doing is - and he does this in front of everyone.

Who the heck wants to live like that? Not me. Her example prompted me to get to working on myself and I have. I DO NOT WANT TO END UP LIKE THAT! What good did it do her to "sacrifice" her life for a man that couldn't care any less about her (when she had her heart attack he didn't believe her and just dropped her off at the hospital door). I didn't want to wake up 10, 20, or 30 years from now in her position as my STXAH is just like his father. What is the point in that? Frankly, I've got a life, and it's worth living! Just my two cents.

GiveLove

My sister was a heroin addict. Not a street junkie, but a white-collar heroin addict with a good job, a home she owned, a husband, and a child.

We would fight about her using, and I'd snarl at her why she couldn't find it in herself to just stop. (this was pre-alanon, pre-SR of course)

She answered me in a letter once, "Because it's easier. Because fighting the craving for it is too hard, and too lonely, and too awful. But when I get it back into my system, everything is alright again, even though it's not. It's just easier to give in."

bearfeet

Thank you all so much, this whole thread has for some reason, made me want to cry. I'm glad I just spilled out what I said because reading your replies today was like a tight hug from a long lost friend. I'm sort of overwhelmed by the knowledge and experiences, so I'm going to re-read it all tomorrow. Thank you all once again, can't tell you how much. x