Need Advice
 

My husband and I invited my alcoholic brother to stay with us until the new year because he says he wants to stop drinking in the manner that he was and I knew that there wasn't a chance of success in his current environment.
Back ground - He is a 30 year old male, no insurance, unemployed, no children or relationship. He was drinking between 30-40 beers a day.
His goal "Is to get up, go to work, and then maybe drink a six pack in the evening". I realize that this is impossible, but right now its the goal that I want him to shoot for. I'm slowly trying to taper him down on his drinking so he doesn't go into severe DTs. Currently, he is drinking 12 a day and I slowly want to get him to a point where we are at 6 or less per day. He will have to make the decision that he will have to quit totally but he's not ready to deal with that yet.
He won't do AA meetings because he suffers from social anxiety and has a hard time dealing with people he doesn't know, so we're trying to do this in house.
He says that he wants to change and that he knows that he can't continue to live like he was, but I'm not sure how to help him learn to resist reaching for another beer. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Hi, I'm an alcoholic. Getting sober is a long path, the good news is it is a very gratifying path if recovery is successfull.

I would first make a Doctors appt. so that detox is save...Then I would call AA and get a list of meeting in the area...

Then I would go to different meetings, introduce myself to people, find a sponsor and
work the program....

Good luck..
hope3

firstly is there a chance you can get him a doctor?

Medical complication from alcohol withdrawal are common and dangerous..

The problem is he has to want it........and be willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety...

if he is alcoholic...which I'm going to assume......he will NEVER become a normal drinker.

Once the line has been crossed there isn't any going back.

controlled drinking is totally illusive to me.....i cant do it and believe me Ive tried.

Its common for alcoholics to attempt controlled drinking.....ive never met one yet that made that happen....even with every effort.

For this alcoholic only total abstinence works.......i achieve that using AA and working the program of recovery..the 12 steps.

If you ring your local AA helpline they may come round to visit him..

this is my experience......others will have theres.

it works for me and has for a few years now.

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ask yourself if you are possibly in over your head...?

Keep coming back. ;)

If he doesn't want to stop....then there's not much you can do at this point.


Unless you are a recovered alcoholic that can share personal experience, not much you can do/say to convince him. If he wants to stop or has the desire to quit, he has to make some changes--seek help for himself. AA is not the only way to sobriety but it has certainly helped me with getting sober. I had to ask for/reach out for help. A doctor is a good start--yes, alcohol withdrawal can be deadly..especially if he is drinking that much.....he shouldn't stop abruptly. It is great that you are willing to help him--but there must be some effort on his part to want to help himself--otherwise you are just enabling his drinking behavior. There are programs out there to help him.

Also--Alanon is a program that can help you learn how to deal with any questions you may have. They are a support network for you (friends/family members of alcoholics). You might want to look into that--its entirely up to you.

I know for me--no one could make me stop--alcohol had to finally beat me into submission. Alcohol is the great persuader for most alcoholics. For me to change, I first had to realize how powerless I was and that I desperately needed help. I also had to be willing to seek help. My family had tried helping many times--and I might stay sober for a short time....only to go back to drinking later on. I had to finally tell myself I was done..period--no more reservations about someday being able to drink again--even "normally"....cause I proved time after time that wasn't possible.

It's good that you care enough to want to help your brother, but he must also be honest, open-minded, and willling to receive help. I hope everything works out in your situation. We do recover. :hug:

My best advice is to find yourself an Alanon meeting.
That is a free support group for people dealing with
loved ones alcoholism.

You and your husband are in for a long hard journey.

I'm going to move your thread to our
Friends & Family of Alcoholics Forum.

Welcome to SR...:wavey:

Hi P3bble5girl,

I agree that what you're undertaking is enormous, and that you will need all the support you can get. Al-Anon meetings have been very helpful to many of us 'friends and family.' I'd also encourage you to read the "Sticky" posts at the top of our forum here, and arm yourself with all the knowledge you can.

I also second the suggestion to get your brother into a medical detox rather than try to do this yourself. You can't MAKE him want to drink less, I'm afraid, and I know firsthand the chaos an active alcoholic not in recovery can do to a household and a marriage. Think carefully about your boundaries...how much you are willing to do, and when you will know you've done enough and need to save yourselves.

Take good care of yourself, and do seek face-to-face support. It's priceless.
:hug:

Hello P3bble5Girl, and welcome to SR :)

I think you're love for your brother is admirable. I also think you are right that it's going to be very difficult for him. As others have said, the best resource for you and your husband is al-anon. You can find them in your local phone book. Give them a call and ask for directions to a meeting that is convenient to you.

At the meeting you will find a group of people who are familiar with the issues you are facing. They also have a great selection of books and pamphlets that are wonderful. If you can make several meetings that would be ideal, as each meeting has a different "flavor" depending on the members.

At the top of this forum we have a number of "sticky" posts that you may want to browse thru, lots of great information there as well.

There, that should get you started. As you read thru all that material toss out any questions you may have, answering them is what SR is for.

Welcome again :)

Mike :)

Possibly, but I'm giving him a shot. I don't want to say that he didn't have a chance.

Don't pay too much attention to your bro's rationalizations. It's not really him talking. It's the booze. And drinking as much as he is, its hard to believe it would not interfere with his work performance even if he were to get a job.

Tapering down is a super slow process even when the person is willing. The problem is that you're not breaking the habit which can often be as powerful as the physical addiction. I'm willing to bet he starts hiding drinks from you just so he can feign progress. That's what we do. It's taken me a year of constant effort to go from 2 bottles of wine a day to 3 or 4 drinks.

I think the detox is the best route. It is safer health wise and it is dramatic enough that it breaks the pattern of behavior. You need to then figure out a new activity to take drinking's place. Obviously, AA is a great option. Don't defer to your bro too much. Like I said before, he's sick.

Finally, you need to go into this with a clear understanding of what your limits are in terms of the time, effort and money that you are going to spend saving your brother. You do not want him destroying you or your family life. Good luck!

hi pebble girl!

this will probably be a stressful situation for everybody involved so its important to put a "timer" so you all know he has a time frame to act, you won't be there forever, and also for you and your husband to know its temporary...

let us know how you are doing and good luck :)

Thanks everyone for the advice I definitely need it. In response to everyone he came from FL, where he lived, to my home in MO. In regards to AA I'm going to call them this week coming up so that I can start laying the frame work to see if he will go. As far as time lines he is scheduled to go back to FL just after Christmas. He also knows that if he doesn't continue to try he will be leaving much sooner. The rules were explained prior to my husband and I agreeing to have him come up. I do love him, but there are limits.
I am going to mention a detox to him, but again he has no insurance and I have no idea what a medical detox would cost, so I would have to pay for it and need to do some research. I know that I'm probably naive in what I'm about to say, but I'm trying to get him to pace drinking, say a beer every 1.5 to 2 hours. My logic that I'm using with him is that he won't be able to achieve his goal if he can't learn to pace himself. Right now I am his enabler regarding his drinking since I know that he can't stop cold turkey due to withdrawl symptoms, which is why we are on a slow progression downwards. He isn't looking for a job right now, since he can't get or keep one right now, but we are keeping him busy since we have a larger piece of property and he likes doing things outside. Any suggestions on a detox or just call my doctor and see if he has any suggestions?

At the very least I would call your doctor and tell him about the situation. My ABF was in detox for a week about two months ago and didn't have to pay because it's rehab center/ detox facility that will take in everyone regardless of income (this is in Florida, btw). Perhaps someone at AA or your doctor can direct you to a similar facility near you.

Good luck! Personally, I think he needs to go into rehab. My ABF drank a lot less than your brother, has not been drinking since detox, (but still smokes pot) and he needs to go into rehab as well although he has quit the drink. But only quitting is not enough as I am learning these days.

Good luck! :ghug3

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I'm recovering from an alcoholic marriage. I like AA and Al Anon as support groups!

In your first post you wrote:
but I'm not sure how to help him learn to resist reaching for another beer. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated

What helped me to resist reaching for another drink was to keep a bottle of water in my hand/fridge. Try keeping lots of bottled beverages in the fridge for him to alternate with instead of reaching for a beer. Bottled water, gatorade type drinks, sodas, etc....As an added bonus, they take up room and leave little space for beer:c033: