advice appreciated please
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2
advice appreciated please
Hi everyone,
Let me start off by saying that I'm a recovering alcoholic - i have been sober for over 9 years now and I'm doing really well.
About 7 months ago, I had a new room-mate move in to my place with me - he and I seemed to get on well at our first meeting, and he seemed to be a really nice, easy to get on with, and respectful person.
I knew my new roommate was an alcoholic before he moved in, but I thought that would be okay, as so was I. But my roommate is having alot of trouble staying sober, and I'm finding that my worry and concern for him (not to my mention frustration at his continued relapses) is becoming harder for me to live with.
Since he moved in in November, the longest time that he has stayed sober for, is about one month. He says that we wants to stop drinking - he goes to AA meetings regularly, has recently started seeing a counsellor, and whenever I speak to him at least, he says that he is committed to giving up alcohol for good.
But he just cant seem to stay sober ..... and when he relapses, he spends the following 2 or 3 days afterwards in his bedroom sleeping, not eating, not drinking, not going to work, but only getting up at night to go to an AA meeting. When he finally emerges from his room, he is all depressed, crying, and remorseful, telling me how much he hates himself, and swearing that he cant keep doing this anyway, and he really learned his lesson this time coz he feels so horrible.
But then when he starts feeling good again, I can almost predict the relapse that is about to happen ..... and despite his continued verbal commitment not to drink, there eventually comes a night where he doesnt come home from work, and where he gives in to the urges to drink and relapses (this always happens when he's away from home, so there is no opportunity for me to talk to him or encourage him to go to a meeting instead if he feels at risk of drinking) ... and so then the whole cycle starts all over again.
The thing is - he never drinks in the house because he knows my past history with alcohol and doesnt want to trigger me .... he just stays out all night drinking, and then creeps home very early in the morning when I'm in bed, and he goes straight into his bedroom. And for the moment at least, he is still up-to-date with his share of the bills and rent (even though he's lost 3 jobs in last 6 months that I'm known him, due to repeated and unexplained absences from work after a night of drinking ... but he is very resourceful and is able to get jobs quite easily - its keeping the jobs that he finds more difficult!) .... and he's semi-okay with keeping up with his share of the household chores, although he does make alot of promises that he doesnt keep about doing more around the house, and he is a bit lazy and falls a bit behind after he's been drinking, due to his intense depression afterwards.
As far as I'm concerned, the worst thing about seeing my roommate relapsing all the time, is that its really difficult for me to watch someone pretty much ruining their life with drinking, and not being the full person that I know they can be! It really hurts me to see him have to start over in his recovery time after time after every relapse .... and quite frankly, I miss his company when he withdraws into depression after he's been drinking .... and I have to wait until he starts picking up in his mood again before he is feeling good enough to talk to me without crying.
But then, when his mood picks up, its like I've got this window of a few days to a week where I can enjoy his good company around the house, before he starts to feel "too good" and I guess invulnerable, when he goes out drinking again ... and then the whole cycle starts all over again. And even though we have lots of chats about drinking - our experiences, what helps and what doesnt - and he seems to say all the right things, he continues to relapse.
It's just really horrible to watch! ... not to mention very frustrating and difficult for me to understand, as my pattern of drinking was completely different to his -> I drank because I felt miserable all the time, and didnt feel that I could cope with life ... and I drank every day, all day - from as soon as the liquor stores opened, and until I passed out ion the afternoon or at night.
But if I was like my roommate, and I felt good for a while when I wasnt drinking, then there is no way I would want to wreck that feeling by drinking again! .... and my roommate knows full well the extreme depression he goes through after he's been drinking, so I just cant understand why he wants to risk that, especially when he has alot of people in his life who are more than willing to help him if he feels at risk of drinking!
And I feel badly about how frustrated I feel with him, because I feel like me of all people (an alcoholic myself - should understand what he's going through ... and I keep thinking that he IS trying to get sober ... its an illness afterall .... maybe I should try to be a bit more understanding and give the guy a break - he's going to AA meetings ... he's seeing a counsellor ... he's trying to do the right things .... who I am to judge?
I guess the whole thing has really gotten me all mixed up - the shoe is on the other foot now, and I realise how horrible I must have made things for my friends and family!
I guess what I am asking for, is any advice that you may have for me in my situation. I am wondering whether there is anything that I can do "tough love" style to help my roommate, seeing as his drinking isnt stopping him from paying his share of the bills and expenses, he is repsectful enough not to drink in front of me, and he is (at least outwardly) doing and saying all the right things, ie - by going to AA meetings, seeing a counsellor, and saying that he wants to stop drinking ...?
And not only is there anything I can do, but do I have the right to want him to change, seeing as he is not really causing me or anyone around me any significant harm, and he is being responsible as far as a roommate is concerned.
I am wondering whether it would be easily to care a little less about him - then I dont think it would concern me too much, as long as he was still paying his bills and everything .... because right now, I'm having alot of difficulty dealing its just my frustration at seeing him so upset and throwing his life away with alcohol, and also missing his company after he's been drinking.
I know this probably isnt a usual situation, as the alcoholic person in my life at this point in time, is just my roommate (and not a family member, or even a close friend) and isnt really causing me any significant harm or distress. But I am still finding that I am being quite drained living with him, and finding myself worrying about him when he hasnt come home by a certain time of night .... so I would appreciate any advice you have to offer.
thanks!
Let me start off by saying that I'm a recovering alcoholic - i have been sober for over 9 years now and I'm doing really well.
About 7 months ago, I had a new room-mate move in to my place with me - he and I seemed to get on well at our first meeting, and he seemed to be a really nice, easy to get on with, and respectful person.
I knew my new roommate was an alcoholic before he moved in, but I thought that would be okay, as so was I. But my roommate is having alot of trouble staying sober, and I'm finding that my worry and concern for him (not to my mention frustration at his continued relapses) is becoming harder for me to live with.
Since he moved in in November, the longest time that he has stayed sober for, is about one month. He says that we wants to stop drinking - he goes to AA meetings regularly, has recently started seeing a counsellor, and whenever I speak to him at least, he says that he is committed to giving up alcohol for good.
But he just cant seem to stay sober ..... and when he relapses, he spends the following 2 or 3 days afterwards in his bedroom sleeping, not eating, not drinking, not going to work, but only getting up at night to go to an AA meeting. When he finally emerges from his room, he is all depressed, crying, and remorseful, telling me how much he hates himself, and swearing that he cant keep doing this anyway, and he really learned his lesson this time coz he feels so horrible.
But then when he starts feeling good again, I can almost predict the relapse that is about to happen ..... and despite his continued verbal commitment not to drink, there eventually comes a night where he doesnt come home from work, and where he gives in to the urges to drink and relapses (this always happens when he's away from home, so there is no opportunity for me to talk to him or encourage him to go to a meeting instead if he feels at risk of drinking) ... and so then the whole cycle starts all over again.
The thing is - he never drinks in the house because he knows my past history with alcohol and doesnt want to trigger me .... he just stays out all night drinking, and then creeps home very early in the morning when I'm in bed, and he goes straight into his bedroom. And for the moment at least, he is still up-to-date with his share of the bills and rent (even though he's lost 3 jobs in last 6 months that I'm known him, due to repeated and unexplained absences from work after a night of drinking ... but he is very resourceful and is able to get jobs quite easily - its keeping the jobs that he finds more difficult!) .... and he's semi-okay with keeping up with his share of the household chores, although he does make alot of promises that he doesnt keep about doing more around the house, and he is a bit lazy and falls a bit behind after he's been drinking, due to his intense depression afterwards.
As far as I'm concerned, the worst thing about seeing my roommate relapsing all the time, is that its really difficult for me to watch someone pretty much ruining their life with drinking, and not being the full person that I know they can be! It really hurts me to see him have to start over in his recovery time after time after every relapse .... and quite frankly, I miss his company when he withdraws into depression after he's been drinking .... and I have to wait until he starts picking up in his mood again before he is feeling good enough to talk to me without crying.
But then, when his mood picks up, its like I've got this window of a few days to a week where I can enjoy his good company around the house, before he starts to feel "too good" and I guess invulnerable, when he goes out drinking again ... and then the whole cycle starts all over again. And even though we have lots of chats about drinking - our experiences, what helps and what doesnt - and he seems to say all the right things, he continues to relapse.
It's just really horrible to watch! ... not to mention very frustrating and difficult for me to understand, as my pattern of drinking was completely different to his -> I drank because I felt miserable all the time, and didnt feel that I could cope with life ... and I drank every day, all day - from as soon as the liquor stores opened, and until I passed out ion the afternoon or at night.
But if I was like my roommate, and I felt good for a while when I wasnt drinking, then there is no way I would want to wreck that feeling by drinking again! .... and my roommate knows full well the extreme depression he goes through after he's been drinking, so I just cant understand why he wants to risk that, especially when he has alot of people in his life who are more than willing to help him if he feels at risk of drinking!
And I feel badly about how frustrated I feel with him, because I feel like me of all people (an alcoholic myself - should understand what he's going through ... and I keep thinking that he IS trying to get sober ... its an illness afterall .... maybe I should try to be a bit more understanding and give the guy a break - he's going to AA meetings ... he's seeing a counsellor ... he's trying to do the right things .... who I am to judge?
I guess the whole thing has really gotten me all mixed up - the shoe is on the other foot now, and I realise how horrible I must have made things for my friends and family!
I guess what I am asking for, is any advice that you may have for me in my situation. I am wondering whether there is anything that I can do "tough love" style to help my roommate, seeing as his drinking isnt stopping him from paying his share of the bills and expenses, he is repsectful enough not to drink in front of me, and he is (at least outwardly) doing and saying all the right things, ie - by going to AA meetings, seeing a counsellor, and saying that he wants to stop drinking ...?
And not only is there anything I can do, but do I have the right to want him to change, seeing as he is not really causing me or anyone around me any significant harm, and he is being responsible as far as a roommate is concerned.
I am wondering whether it would be easily to care a little less about him - then I dont think it would concern me too much, as long as he was still paying his bills and everything .... because right now, I'm having alot of difficulty dealing its just my frustration at seeing him so upset and throwing his life away with alcohol, and also missing his company after he's been drinking.
I know this probably isnt a usual situation, as the alcoholic person in my life at this point in time, is just my roommate (and not a family member, or even a close friend) and isnt really causing me any significant harm or distress. But I am still finding that I am being quite drained living with him, and finding myself worrying about him when he hasnt come home by a certain time of night .... so I would appreciate any advice you have to offer.
thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
So do you feel responsible for saving him from himself, like you should talk to him or get him to a meeting if he feels at risk of drinking? I think that's his obligation to himself.
It sound like you're feeling a lot of frustration, and that you're feeling drained living with him. Has he signed a lease? Do you want him to stay around you, is it a healthy environment for you? Do you really want to be his sounding board for his regret the morning after, or are there ways to detach from that cycle?
I'm looking forward to the wisdom that will come when the more experienced posters arrive. Wisdom about what behaviors allow you to support recovery while remaining detached.
I wish you good luck.
It sound like you're feeling a lot of frustration, and that you're feeling drained living with him. Has he signed a lease? Do you want him to stay around you, is it a healthy environment for you? Do you really want to be his sounding board for his regret the morning after, or are there ways to detach from that cycle?
I'm looking forward to the wisdom that will come when the more experienced posters arrive. Wisdom about what behaviors allow you to support recovery while remaining detached.
I wish you good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
and not only is there anything I can do, but do I have the right to want him to change, seeing as he is not really causing me or anyone around me any significant harm, and he is being responsible as far as a roommate is concerned.
I am wondering whether it would be easily to care a little less about him - then I dont think it would concern me too much, as long as he was still paying his bills and everything .... because right now, I'm having alot of difficulty dealing its just my frustration at seeing him so upset and throwing his life away with alcohol, and also missing his company after he's been drinking.
I know this probably isnt a usual situation, as the alcoholic person in my life at this point in time, is just my roommate (and not a family member, or even a close friend) and isnt really causing me any significant harm or distress. But I am still finding that I am being quite drained living with him, and finding myself worrying about him when he hasnt come home by a certain time of night .... so I would appreciate any advice you have to offer.
I am wondering whether it would be easily to care a little less about him - then I dont think it would concern me too much, as long as he was still paying his bills and everything .... because right now, I'm having alot of difficulty dealing its just my frustration at seeing him so upset and throwing his life away with alcohol, and also missing his company after he's been drinking.
I know this probably isnt a usual situation, as the alcoholic person in my life at this point in time, is just my roommate (and not a family member, or even a close friend) and isnt really causing me any significant harm or distress. But I am still finding that I am being quite drained living with him, and finding myself worrying about him when he hasnt come home by a certain time of night .... so I would appreciate any advice you have to offer.
I would find that draining in a housemate, someone doesn't have to be kicking the doors in or stealing from you to be difficult to live with, and if it is affecting your well-being, given that you can't change him, and this appears to be a cycle, perhaps you could consider al-anon to learn detachment techniques, and/or consider your living arrangements.
I need my home to be my sanctuary, the place I know is safe and stress-free (well as stress-free as possible with children
) when it isn't, I am affected in all spheres of my life.good luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
flipside-
i've lived with a depressed alcoholic lying in their room and it permeates the whole house. i feel that i must be quiet and not start hanging a mirror or putting on music or whatever. i'm glad i moved out and don't have to live with that anymore.
i would probably get a new roommate if i was you, after explaining to current roommate the reasons why i don't want to deal day to day with their ups and downs. since he can pay the rent, he could go take his drinking/depression elsewhere and you could still be friends during the periods he is not drinking if you want to remain in touch.
naive
i've lived with a depressed alcoholic lying in their room and it permeates the whole house. i feel that i must be quiet and not start hanging a mirror or putting on music or whatever. i'm glad i moved out and don't have to live with that anymore.
i would probably get a new roommate if i was you, after explaining to current roommate the reasons why i don't want to deal day to day with their ups and downs. since he can pay the rent, he could go take his drinking/depression elsewhere and you could still be friends during the periods he is not drinking if you want to remain in touch.
naive
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Home should be a sanctuary...the place where you can go to get away from all of the stress, work and hurts of this world....
It sounds to me as though you can't have that right now with this particular roommate. I'm very sorry to hear it! I hope you can work out something better for yourself soon!!
HG
It sounds to me as though you can't have that right now with this particular roommate. I'm very sorry to hear it! I hope you can work out something better for yourself soon!!
HG
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by hydrogirl 
Home should be a sanctuary...the place where you can go to get away from all of the stress, work and hurts of this world....
The fact that you feel drained is a strong indicator of more to come. Is having shared financial responsibilities with an active alcoholic worth your recovery and peace of mind?
:ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Well, you aren't responsible for him or his choices, and you know that. His choices are rather spoiling your home life, aren't they? Why tolerate it?
Aside from that, if I were you, I'd also be concerned for my own recovery... is he putting you at risk for a relapse? I'd get him out of there, why risk it!
Congrats on your 9 years. I admire you!
Aside from that, if I were you, I'd also be concerned for my own recovery... is he putting you at risk for a relapse? I'd get him out of there, why risk it!
Congrats on your 9 years. I admire you!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It will probably be difficult to have that talk with him but if he puts your recovery at risk he may be able to understand and not take it personal...
Good luck, you deserve peace in your home.
Good luck, you deserve peace in your home.
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 06-29-2009 at 08:23 AM. Reason: typo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2
thanks for your replies everyone!
I guess having had past roommates who have had their unique problems - some alot more problematic for me than this particular roommate is! - I kinda think that there is no such thing as the perfect person to live with, and maybe if I ask this roommate to leave, I'll get someone who is alot worse in his place! .... and I keep telling myself that at least this guy is trying to get better, and he cant help the fact that he is an alcoholic, and he is a very nice person to have around the house when he isnt hung over and feeling sorry for himself.
*sighs*
I dont know .... I seem to think that I should be more supportive of him, seeing as he is trying to get better, and is going to meetings and everything .... but seeing him make the same mistakes over and over again just makes me want to tear my hair out!
Maybe I need to work on distancing myself some more from his problems, and not investing so much of myself and my own comfort at home as dependant on how he is doing (which is what I am doing right now).
I know I am a bit socially isolated myself, so I do place alot of importance on my relationships with my roommates .... and maybe this particular roommate just doesnt have a whole lot to give back at this point in time, and I should look elsewhere for company and companionship - that way his relapses wont be such a big thing for me any more!
Its been very helpful reading your replies everyone - thank you! - and you've given me alot to think about. Considering I'm a brand new person here at this website, and none of you know me, I've been pleasantly surprised that people have actually taken the time to consider my dilemma and respond to my post ... I really appreciate it!
I guess having had past roommates who have had their unique problems - some alot more problematic for me than this particular roommate is! - I kinda think that there is no such thing as the perfect person to live with, and maybe if I ask this roommate to leave, I'll get someone who is alot worse in his place! .... and I keep telling myself that at least this guy is trying to get better, and he cant help the fact that he is an alcoholic, and he is a very nice person to have around the house when he isnt hung over and feeling sorry for himself.
*sighs*
I dont know .... I seem to think that I should be more supportive of him, seeing as he is trying to get better, and is going to meetings and everything .... but seeing him make the same mistakes over and over again just makes me want to tear my hair out!
Maybe I need to work on distancing myself some more from his problems, and not investing so much of myself and my own comfort at home as dependant on how he is doing (which is what I am doing right now).
I know I am a bit socially isolated myself, so I do place alot of importance on my relationships with my roommates .... and maybe this particular roommate just doesnt have a whole lot to give back at this point in time, and I should look elsewhere for company and companionship - that way his relapses wont be such a big thing for me any more!
Its been very helpful reading your replies everyone - thank you! - and you've given me alot to think about. Considering I'm a brand new person here at this website, and none of you know me, I've been pleasantly surprised that people have actually taken the time to consider my dilemma and respond to my post ... I really appreciate it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi flipside, glad you are here with us. Sounds like your roommate is a classic binge drinker (that was my addiction too).
Maybe your roommate could try antbuse or something along those lines, there are people that swear by it.
Its really more of an insurance policy between bad decisions. I hear its quite strong though so they would have to be quite serious about their commitment.
I have not taken it yet but am strongly considering it.
Best of luck in both of your recovery
Maybe your roommate could try antbuse or something along those lines, there are people that swear by it.
Its really more of an insurance policy between bad decisions. I hear its quite strong though so they would have to be quite serious about their commitment.
I have not taken it yet but am strongly considering it.
Best of luck in both of your recovery
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