For a long time, alcohol addiction was considered a problem that affects only the alcoholic. The alcoholic was perceived as a bad person without ambition that can be cured only if separated from their family and with the help of other alcoholics.

Nowadays, alcohol addiction is considered a family problem (with a major impact on the entire family, not only on the alcoholic) where each member of the family plays a significant role in the disease onset and evolution.

A person in need and an enabler find each other because they fulfill each other's needs. The enabler needs to protect and care for those in need, while the sick person needs to be protected and cared for.
The family members of an alcoholic are called codependents. However, this term also includes all the people around an alcoholic (not only the family members) such as the alcoholic's friends, co-workers, and neighbors. A codependent or enabler is any person around the alcoholic that becomes their ally and a double participant to the disease.

Codependency was used for the first time in alcohol addiction treatment journals at the beginning of the 70's. Initially, the term referred to the wives of the alcoholics, and only recently was used to define a dysfunctional style to relate with others.

Initially, codependency symptoms were considered a reaction to a stressful life next to an alcoholic, and the excessive fear, shame, and pain experienced by the family were considered a response to the alcoholic's behaviour.

However, researchers have noticed that the codependent behavior continued to be present among family members even when the alcoholic becomes sober.

Alcohol addiction specialists have realised that the codependent behavior is a distinctive disease that affects the family, and the hidden causes of this dysfunctional behavior aggravates the drinking habit of the alcoholic.

Today, alcohol addiction counselor use the codependency term to help family members understand the reactions and the behaviors they develop living with an alcoholic.

An enabler can be described as a special, polite, and altruist person, concerned with others' well being, and willing to help and care for others. Their desire and efforts to care for those in need are triggered by good intentions, but usually become compulsive and harmful to themselves and others. The enabler can be trapped into an vicious circle of insatisfactions. In most cases, the enablers take the role of a martyr and tries to rescue those in need.

Due to the repeated attempts of an enabler to save those in need, those that receive the care develop a destructive behavior (they become dependent on their enabler rescue actions). An enabler grows to enjoy their rescuer role, and the more they help the more they feel satisfied.

The codependent behavior is caused by the enabler's attempts to control the feelings, thoughts and actions of other people.

An enabler often feels that they are the center of their family universe and they feel responsible for others' happiness or unhappiness. An enabler organizes their life trying to receive validation from those around them. Often, enablers cannot break away from a dysfunctional relationship.

Examples of co-dependent behavior:

» They takes over the alcoholic's responsibilities.
» They justify the alcoholic's behavior to their family, relatives, friends, co-workers, or superiors.
» They take over difficult activities that should be done by the alcoholic.
» They take control over the alcoholic's life by stopping them from participating to different social events (where the alcoholic can drink), by tracing chores that mean to keep the alcoholic away from the alcohol source, by digging after hidden bottles of alcohol and throwing them away, and by demonstrating with serious arguments the alcoholic's lies.
» They are not sincere with the alcoholic, other persons, or themselves about the reality they live in and the feelings they have.
» They try to be perfect in everything they do, think, and believe, because they need to feel appreciated and admired.

The codependent behaviour has its own progressive evolution influenced by the addiction's evolution.

The first phase of the codependent behavior is a protective attitude triggered by the occasionally drinking of their alcoholic partner. The codependent tries to excuse their partner's behavior using a vast amount of plausible reasons.

When the partner's drinking become abusive, the codependent needs to find a responsible person for this situations. Unfortunately, in this situation the enabler becomes the target of all the reproaches, accusations, and blame which make them feel responsible for their partner's drinking problem. The codependent starts to doubt their quality as a human being, spouse, or parent. When the situation puts to much strain on their self-esteem, they will struggle to prove to others and themselves that are perfect by trying to make everybody happy, taking over lot of responsibilities, and solving difficult situations. The codependent is motivated by the believe that only being perfect in everything they do, they will determine their partner to stop drinking.

Unfortunately, their efforts are not followed by the desired reaction, and instead, their partner starts drinking even more. This leads to a new type of codependent behaviour: the controller. This is a normal reaction triggered by the need to keep a chaotic situation under control, to reduce the tension, and to restore a secure environment. The codependent controls every aspect of the alcoholic's life and tries to organize their life in order to keep them away from purchasing alcohol.

In time, the codependent's self-esteem decreases and they enter a new phase: the accuser. The codependent perceives their alcoholic partner as the only cause of their problems, and projects towards them deep feelings of anger, rage, and fear.

Progressively, the codependent completely loses their self-esteem and they isolate from society (this is a protection mechanism). They perceive themselves as victims, feel sorry for themselves, and lose the desire to help and care for others. They break away from their families, friends, relatives, and they isolate themselves in a world full of grief.

The progressive evolution of the codependent behaviour ends in the last phase, the enabler. The desperate attempts of the codependent to manipulate and control their partner's life actually reinforce their dysfunctional behaviors and prevent them from facing the consequences of being an alcoholic.

Codependents need help to recover from their disfunctional lifestyle in order to re-establish a normal couple and family life, especially when the alcoholic is treated for their addiction.

The codependent's recovery is possible only when the codependent is facing and accepting the pain caused by the past and present, and by adopting a new, healthier lifestyle. However, the recovery takes times because the codependent behaviour (itself) had developed in time. Sometimes, recovery spans over the entire life. Codependents can receive professional help from specialists with expertise in this type of problems to identify those factors that triggered the codependent behaviour, and to implement effective coping strategies that prevent future relapses in the old habits.

One model that is helpful in identifying child behaviors is that of Sharon Wegscheider (1981). In this model children adopt various coping and enabling roles.



Little caretaker



The little caretaker role is often a carbon copy of the partner of the alcoholic. They take care of the alcoholic; getting drinks, cleaning up after the alcoholic and soothing over stressful situations and events. They are validated by approval for taking responsibility for the alcoholic and their Behaviour. This little person often goes on to become a partner of an alcoholic or other dysfunctional person if they do not get treatment.



Family hero



The family hero role brings pride to the family by being successful at school or work. At home, the hero assumes the responsibilities that the enabling parent abdicates. By being overly involved in work or school, they can avoid dealing with the real problem at home and patterns of workaholism can develop. Although portraying the image of self-confidence and success, the hero may feel inadequate and experience the same stress-related symptoms as the enabler.



Scapegoat



The scapegoat role diverts attention away from the chemically dependent person’s behavior by acting out their anger. Because other family members sublimate their anger, the scapegoat has no role model for healthy expression of this normal feeling. They become at high risk for self-destructive behaviors and may be hospitalized with a variety of traumatic injuries. Although all the children are genetically vulnerable to alcoholism, this child is often considered the highest risk because of their association with risk-taking activities and peers. Although tough and defiant, the scapegoat is also in pain.



Lost child



The lost child role withdraws from family and social activities to escape the problem. Family members feel that they do not need to worry about them because they are quiet and appear content. They leave the family without departing physically by being involved with television, video games, or reading. These children do not bring attention to themselves, but also do not learn to interact with peers. Many clinicians have noted that bulimia is common in chemically dependent families and feel this child is prone to satisfy their pain through eating.



Family clown



The family clown role brings comic relief to the family. Often the youngest child, they try to get attention by being cute or funny. With family reinforcement, their behavior continues to be immature and they may have difficulty learning in school.

Unfortunately, in this situation the enabler becomes the target of all the reproaches, accusations, and blame which make them feel responsible for their partner's drinking problem. The codependent starts to doubt their quality as a human being, spouse, or parent. When the situation puts to much strain on their self-esteem, they will struggle to prove to others and themselves that are perfect by trying to make everybody happy, taking over lot of responsibilities, and solving difficult situations. The codependent is motivated by the believe that only being perfect in everything they do, they will determine their partner to stop drinking.