Its official
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
I think you should be patient with yourself about your feelings about your ex.
I have been separated from my ex for 2.5 years (but shared a financial obligation until last week) and we were together for 3 years. I am still finishing processing this "abusive" realtionship. It has taken me this long to stop feeling softly for him and realize that he is just manipulative and was really emotionally abusive and it is ALL about his ego. Just because I am capable of caring and empathizing with a jerk, doesn't mean he deserves it!!!
I have been separated from my ex for 2.5 years (but shared a financial obligation until last week) and we were together for 3 years. I am still finishing processing this "abusive" realtionship. It has taken me this long to stop feeling softly for him and realize that he is just manipulative and was really emotionally abusive and it is ALL about his ego. Just because I am capable of caring and empathizing with a jerk, doesn't mean he deserves it!!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thank you all :ghug2
gns, I am glad you are finishing this process.. I too am starting to really believe "if he was such a great person he wouldn't have done x,y,z. I had NO WAY to prevent his abuse"
S. the new guy just left, we watched a really great Will Smith movie... 7 pounds. And watched a series called Rome. We ate pizza. We hugged a lot. He knows I am not feeling well but accepts me anyway. I am not like, looking my best or being my best- he accepts me anyway.
Now I am back to the crying again but if it means I am closer to indifference and having more space in life for new stuff... then so be it. Tomorrow I will be working from home, a day just for me and inner and outer work... it feels good to be able to go through all this in the peace of my home....
And my bed has a teddy bear, not a drunken guy snoring just after insulting me then waking up to ask me for money.
Sometimes progress does not look like progress but it is progress...
gns, I am glad you are finishing this process.. I too am starting to really believe "if he was such a great person he wouldn't have done x,y,z. I had NO WAY to prevent his abuse"
S. the new guy just left, we watched a really great Will Smith movie... 7 pounds. And watched a series called Rome. We ate pizza. We hugged a lot. He knows I am not feeling well but accepts me anyway. I am not like, looking my best or being my best- he accepts me anyway.
Now I am back to the crying again but if it means I am closer to indifference and having more space in life for new stuff... then so be it. Tomorrow I will be working from home, a day just for me and inner and outer work... it feels good to be able to go through all this in the peace of my home....
And my bed has a teddy bear, not a drunken guy snoring just after insulting me then waking up to ask me for money.
Sometimes progress does not look like progress but it is progress...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
((((TC))))
You are such a lovely, loving and beautiful woman. No wonder your new man sees this?
I am reading Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, by John Bradshaw. My therapist is going to work with me doing some of the exercises in this book. This is the kind of thing I would definitely have poo-pooed before, because it seems so silly. And probably because of the enormous vulnerability it involves.
The book talks about the feelings of joylessness that you describe. The theory is that you have lost touch with your inner child, the part of you that can feel wonder and joy.
When we partner with someone that triggers all of the trauma from our childhoods, we "feel" again.
Your grief about F may have very little to do with him at all. It may be that you have a trauma bond with him. He brought many of your deeply repressed wounds closer to the surface. The theory is that you were trying to recreate a conflicted relationship with a parent and WIN IT this time.
One thing my therapist says is that even though the "inner child" work may seem strange, it WORKS.
And in this book--Bradshaw says it is QUICK to work, unlike psychoanalysis and talk therapy.
I told my therapist that even though it makes me feel vulnerable, I'm willing to try. I HAVE TO TRY. I feel I have absolutely reached my bottom and I am going to do whatever it takes to have a new life.
A life of joy and wonder and friendships and connections. A life that is not dependent on the acceptance of some disordered man. It is impossible to have a joyful life and a truly loving relationship with someone who is not whole, themselves.
This dark place you're in may be a catalyst for some serious personal growth, the storm before the calm, maybe?
You are doing wonderfully. You are wonderful.
Treat yourself gently, TC.
You are such a lovely, loving and beautiful woman. No wonder your new man sees this?
I am reading Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, by John Bradshaw. My therapist is going to work with me doing some of the exercises in this book. This is the kind of thing I would definitely have poo-pooed before, because it seems so silly. And probably because of the enormous vulnerability it involves.
The book talks about the feelings of joylessness that you describe. The theory is that you have lost touch with your inner child, the part of you that can feel wonder and joy.
When we partner with someone that triggers all of the trauma from our childhoods, we "feel" again.
Your grief about F may have very little to do with him at all. It may be that you have a trauma bond with him. He brought many of your deeply repressed wounds closer to the surface. The theory is that you were trying to recreate a conflicted relationship with a parent and WIN IT this time.
One thing my therapist says is that even though the "inner child" work may seem strange, it WORKS.
And in this book--Bradshaw says it is QUICK to work, unlike psychoanalysis and talk therapy.
I told my therapist that even though it makes me feel vulnerable, I'm willing to try. I HAVE TO TRY. I feel I have absolutely reached my bottom and I am going to do whatever it takes to have a new life.
A life of joy and wonder and friendships and connections. A life that is not dependent on the acceptance of some disordered man. It is impossible to have a joyful life and a truly loving relationship with someone who is not whole, themselves.
This dark place you're in may be a catalyst for some serious personal growth, the storm before the calm, maybe?
You are doing wonderfully. You are wonderful.
Treat yourself gently, TC.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by Trying2survive 
I can share many of your feelings. Depression? Perhaps. Why not? If anybody would suffer from depression, it would certainly be people such as us — we've waded in the murk of hopelessness that surrounds alcoholism, and it's hard not to get mired down.
This is where FAITH can really pull you out. It was the only thing that really helped me get out/away to a healthier mind frame.
This is where FAITH can really pull you out. It was the only thing that really helped me get out/away to a healthier mind frame.
Just wanted to agree to this statement. People like "us" who have been through what we have with our alcoholics, it is hard and I can certainly tell my mood is different as this "thing" progresses.
Hang in there.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
nowwhat, thank you :ghug3 I will look for that book, seems exactly what I need. It makes a lot of sense...
I also read that you do not feel joy because you do not think you deserve it... that makes sense for me too...
old TC - martyrdom - victimhood + inner child work + self esteem = new TC
Its really appealing to have that "instant results!" tag on the inner child work, I guess this is just life preparing us to have better tools in the future......
Thanks a lot for all your suggestions and comments... :ghug
I also read that you do not feel joy because you do not think you deserve it... that makes sense for me too...
old TC - martyrdom - victimhood + inner child work + self esteem = new TC
Its really appealing to have that "instant results!" tag on the inner child work, I guess this is just life preparing us to have better tools in the future......
Thanks a lot for all your suggestions and comments... :ghug
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am now working listening to Moby. I am on my bed with my feet up the headboard (really relaxing you should try it) and the laptop on a pillow...
I am deleting "our" pictures. There are some of them where I look really good so I am saving my own face deleting the rest.
I started thinking "oh the good times, of course he probably deleted all right away, and it took me like a year, yadda yadda" but I realized this is again stinky thinking so I stopped it and just feel very good about making space for new pictures and new people.
I am doing the same in my old laptop... I feel better today... I am glad I can cry anytime I need to and have no one to worry or tell me I'm wrong because I feel, etc. etc.
Thanks guys you are all awesome :ghug2
I am deleting "our" pictures. There are some of them where I look really good so I am saving my own face deleting the rest.
I started thinking "oh the good times, of course he probably deleted all right away, and it took me like a year, yadda yadda" but I realized this is again stinky thinking so I stopped it and just feel very good about making space for new pictures and new people.
I am doing the same in my old laptop... I feel better today... I am glad I can cry anytime I need to and have no one to worry or tell me I'm wrong because I feel, etc. etc.
Thanks guys you are all awesome :ghug2
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
A girl friend has mourned horribly for months now, I already told her she can give me the pictures and I can save her beautiful face and send them to her, deleting the others. Or her myspace credentials and I can delete them from there so she does not have to login herself. I hope one day she can do it. Another friend I got mourned a relation (and they were not even married) for 11 years. He deleted the stuff a month ago. I will write to both friends now, they have seen me in my worst and I know they will feel proud 
I will give my girl friend the only thing I have left: a CD from a music band we loved, called E Nomine (I hate it when great bands and music are ruined and trigger bad memories!!!!!).. someday somehow when I can hear it and enjoy it I will ask for it. I offered my storage services for the boxes with teddy bears, letters, drawings, etc. she has. At least I have no problem there, ex never gave me ANYTHING, but headaches LOL
Electronic music is out for now, I am discovering lounge music, acid jazz and I love it there are no triggers there.
I see ex's face now and its horrid what alcohol does to a person.
I am trying to feel grateful for the good times we shared before he turned into this stranger. Sigh.
I will give my girl friend the only thing I have left: a CD from a music band we loved, called E Nomine (I hate it when great bands and music are ruined and trigger bad memories!!!!!).. someday somehow when I can hear it and enjoy it I will ask for it. I offered my storage services for the boxes with teddy bears, letters, drawings, etc. she has. At least I have no problem there, ex never gave me ANYTHING, but headaches LOL
Electronic music is out for now, I am discovering lounge music, acid jazz and I love it there are no triggers there.
I see ex's face now and its horrid what alcohol does to a person.
I am trying to feel grateful for the good times we shared before he turned into this stranger. Sigh.
damn, it is so hard to say goodbye
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I also left a Facebook group for the job we had before
And will send a message to his best friend telling him I think he is a good person but I need time off from any trigger and I hope he understands why I am going mute, he saw me the other day and said he did not like to see me suffering... he is nice but then I see him talking to the ex and I just can't reconcile that. Not now at least... and I will stop trying.
Feels great to have a clearer picture of what helps me and what doesn't..
And will send a message to his best friend telling him I think he is a good person but I need time off from any trigger and I hope he understands why I am going mute, he saw me the other day and said he did not like to see me suffering... he is nice but then I see him talking to the ex and I just can't reconcile that. Not now at least... and I will stop trying.
Feels great to have a clearer picture of what helps me and what doesn't..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
All the best with your "clean sheet" fresh start on so many memory tugging things. Yes, the photos, words, songs and music can pop up and hit the memory button dead centre. I think the idea of giving those heart tuggers to a friend to hold til you are able to enjoy them again, is a wonderful idea.
Hope your Candle light dinner was a complete success.
Hope your Candle light dinner was a complete success.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks all! :ghug3 hope your weekend was not as emotionalrollercoasterly as mine...
Today I woke up missing this guy a lot, and I think MAAAAAAAAAN give me a break!!!!!!
I will try to let those thought pass and stop fighting with myself....
I decided to "hang in there" this week then go on my holiday, I can't wait, after I come back I will see a psychiatrist...
I am sure they will put me in Lexapro again and guess what.. I won't consider anything of it...
I just want to feel better !!!!!!
Thanks all friends, now time to get ready for work...
Today I woke up missing this guy a lot, and I think MAAAAAAAAAN give me a break!!!!!!
I will try to let those thought pass and stop fighting with myself....
I decided to "hang in there" this week then go on my holiday, I can't wait, after I come back I will see a psychiatrist...
I am sure they will put me in Lexapro again and guess what.. I won't consider anything of it... I just want to feel better !!!!!!
Thanks all friends, now time to get ready for work...
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