Did anyone ever recapture intimacy?
 

My H has been sober 6 months. He goes occasionally to AA, I go regularly to Al Anon, and we got to an AA/Al Anon couples meeting once a week since about a month. That has been quite helpful to see couples who have stayed together, and to hear of their ESH and how they managed to do it together. Some say that their relationships now are better than ever, and have told us that it is possible to achieve.

H was never violent, or abusive, or derogatory. He was a weekend party binge drinker. He is educated, always held good jobs, played sports. But the over-drinking and partying wore us (me especially) down. I've seen good changes in him since stopping, including being a more engaged dad to our 20 month old, but he's still slow in accepting that he won't ever be able to drink again, and he's been a bit of a hermit, saying he wants to be sociable again but I guess feeling that he'll be an oddball if he's the only one who doesn't have a drink. He agrees he had a problem and in the end he didn't like it either, but I think he's scared of facing a life without it, and hasn't yet started true recovery to address his fears.

Life is very improved. He is now involved in our finances, with our daughter, we do our 1 night a week eat out then couples meeting; and have some freedom to see a movie and play sports together since my parents are available to sit. We do more things as a family and he is trying. So here is the but. But, the intimacy is still not there (had waned for a few years but physically not there for the past year). After a few couples meetings we had an intimate moment and although it didn't progress, he accepted that hurt couldn't be undone so fast and it was progress since a few months ago we were in separate bedrooms. I have felt sparks at times but that just may be because I've gone without for so long. We've been together for 10 years and I know that all relationships settle out of the honeymoon phase, but we've had more stuff piled upon that that makes things so much more complicated.

Has anyone here been able to recapture the spark with their recovering A? Any ESH would be appreciated. I just don't know how I feel; I fear that I'm trying to work at something that just may not be attainable ever again. How would I even know that?

I've learned that in order for the COUPLES part of it to heal, each individual MUST heal as well ... AA can be VERY social and could very well help him find the comraderie that he is missing ... but it takes more than one shared mtg a week

to answer your question - YES, the intimacy can cme back! It's one of those "takes time and effort" things :D

Blue

I am the one who is quitting drinking and I am also about six months sober.
I also quit at my wife's urging and at first I felt resentful towards her because like your husband I didn't want to give up my drinking.
As soon as the resentment goes away the intimacy should return unless there are other problems not related to the drinking.
I Don't work a recovery program but I am no longer feeling that resentment. If your husband is doing the 12 steps at AA this should definitely help him to give up any resentment he is feeling.
Good luck.

We have recaptured the intimacy in our marriage by the way and we have been married 30+ years.

BlueMoon, I agree it takes more than what he's doing; but I can't force him to go to more meetings. I'm glad he accepted to go to the couples meeting. He does go once a week to an AA meeting that he says he's pretty comfortable with, but he has told me several times that unlike some who have thrown themselves into AA, he doesn't want it to be his life. I've countered that with my program, it helps me have a better life, so it's now a part that makes all other parts better. He doesn't see that, at least not yet, and I have no control nor do I want control over his recovery. He's just not ready to face some stuff yet.

On the other hand, he does suffer from what we've heard from many - he just wants things back to the way things were, now that he stopped drinking. He is learning that it took years to undo, so will take time to regain. But I am positive that he wants intimacy, but I am the one who is holding back. I know that minus the drinking there were other underlying issues, and I'm trying (also through this post) to evaluate where my feelings lie. I think one thing is that over the years, the connection was lost. I remember one morning where were together, and I didn't feel good about the experience somehow. I felt like I could have been any 'body'. I found out later, kinda by accident, that the night before he'd gone to a strip club. I realized that my strange feelings about that morning were justified - it seemed he was using me as an outlet for what he'd witnessed the night before. How do I get past that to try and find the connection with him again?

Silkspin, I don't remember -- are you two in couples counseling? Getting intimacy back is a pretty complicated subject that may require you to be brutally honest with each other. A counselor's office is a safe(r) place to do that.

I know that, for myself, it sometimes takes a long time and a lot of working through things (things like your strip club story) before I get back to feeling 'intimate', which for me is based on respect, trust, and playfulness. When those things go out the window, I'm really not interested. Perhaps you're the same?

silkspin-

i don't really feel that intimacy should be over analyzed. why not give it a try? and see how you FEEL?

Givelove, we haven't gone to counseling yet; since we have limited time to do things together with a 20 month old, we decided to try the AA/Al Anon couples group. Eventually I would like to get to therapy too, but at first likely only for myself.

naive, good point. But trying to tell my brain to shut off is harder to do. When we had an intimate moment a few weeks ago, I did over-analyze. It stopped me. Maybe I'm punishing him but I think it's more my personal barriers have gone up and I don't really want to let him in again, for fear of being hurt. And because I lost so much respect for him seeing him drunk and pathetic over the years; and that's hard to get over (because of my own expectations of a Harlequin romance I suppose!) - Al Anon is helping me get over expectations!

Hi silkspin!

As a yoga nut, I read your thread and thought about the relation between body - mind - spirit.

They say for a satisfying life, you need to balance the 3 of them. Your body has certain needs, but if your mind is in the past and your heart is hurt... it won't be a full experience.

After I was attacked sexually, I could not even handle lying on the same bed with my then boyfriend... I just cried and cried. Supposedly the body has this memory of everything it has lived. With LOTS of affection from this boyfriend (I can't count how many times I cried in his arms all night long) and inner work (went to an AA sponsored weekend retirements, it was a VERY deep emotional release) I was able to approach sexuality in a healthy way.

If this man has hurt you and you have not healed your inner wounds, its totally understandable you do not want intimacy at this time... it is a matter of trust. Trust and healing, forgiving him, forgiving yourself. Honestly if someone has let me down horribly it would take a lot of time before I even consider talking to him, let alone sharing an intimate moment.

Meanwhile you can release any urges in different ways... that do not involve him at all... perhaps that would take away the bodily urge, without compromising your spirit and mind aspects.

You need to be good to yourself, when you have healed from the past it will come naturally.. perhaps its too early now....

Just my two cents. Trust your feelings and keep on the soul searching, remember you do not HAVE to do anything... for me it took a lot of time, love from my partner and self love to be OK again and enjoy those moments as fully as they are meant to be enjoyed.

Hugs!!

Lots of great perspectives! However, I am with naive because of what you revealed. I don't believe you over analyzed. Sounds like you were asking in wonder before you over analyzed.

Quote:
I have felt sparks at times but that just may be because I've gone without for so long.

It sounds as if you trust him and are respecting him as to his person and behaviors outside the bedroom with you and child and him in basic responsibilities. Sexual intimacy takes time to grow again just like communicative intimacy. It is also a language we use to speak to each other with.

The feelings may also grow here as you enter back into the practice of the sexual language, especially with knowing it is being expressed to you without a third party in the bedroom too. ( no alcohol in his system any longer) My question is is there enough trust today? Then tomorrow more feelings may grow.

:-) I say the first time around let him do all the giving and you all the receiving. lol... so don't 'give' unless you will receive from it. ( It won't be selfish as you are giving as to the totality of the big picture if you open back up the sexual relationship.:-)

love tammy

ps: In 21 years of marriage there was a time intimacy was very low,( because of his drinking) but then came back and better with the years he decreased alcohol use and grew in communication. However, he never stopped drinking so negative progression returned. More then sexual intimacy is now lost because of his progression with continued alcohol abuse. Sexual intimacy was the last thing to go in our relationship. For me it is beyond return, a major reason I want a divorce. For me a marriage where you don't want to have sex with your husband because there is no intimacy outside the bedroom means there is no special bond in my marriage. All the intimacies outside the bedroom i can develop with anybody. But I can only develop sexual intimacy with my husband. It is what makes the marriage relationship different from all other relationships, there is a romantic connection. ( note: if sex was impossible for health reasons or something the romantic want would still be there for the husband I was bonded too.)

I meant now in this post, not what you reveal about your situation a few weeks ago as to over analyzing. BUt maybe you are, your heart will tell you.:-)

i'm with tammy on this one. if in my partner relationship, the sexual intimacy goes, then i feel the relationship will crumble. agreed also that i have intimacy with other people, but sexual intimacy is unique to my partnership relationship.

also, sometimes, one good close sexual connection can do the healing which hours of talking can never acheive.

that said, in no way am i advocating intimacy when you feel none. all i'm saying is that from what you wrote, i find myself wondering if your mind is blocking you from connecting with him in this way.

i also had a laugh thinking what your husband would think if he knew we were all discussing his sex life. ha!

just to ramble on a bit more, i did have one "rule" i made about 10 years ago for myself. and that was no sex if either of us had any drinks. for me, this has been a good rule and served me well. sober sex only.

Hee hee, Naive, I wouldn't have had my three wonderful kids if I had followed that rule!

Silkspin, I know following a twenty month old around and dealing with your King Baby is exhausting. I understand the trust issues too, but exhaustion never made me feel intimate so make sure you are resting and rejuvinating yourself too.

The never can read enough books person that I am is remembering the book "Love is a Decision" which got me through a point in my marriage when I thought it was never going to be the connection we once felt. We both read it and for some time our marriage and sex life improved greatly.

Blessings.

naive :lmao
LOL. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!

Oh, thanks everyone! Sorry wasn't able really to check the site over the weekend. And I'm sure my H wouldn't feel so comfortable knowing I'm writing about this, but then again, what sex life? ha ha.

We went to our couples meeting Friday. I had these on/off feelings of not wanting to go (baby was feverish, threat of rain, tired, upset about this topic) and then of course Al Anon tells you those are the days you really need a meeting and maybe especially when you hear something you really need to hear. An older couple spoke, and I've met/spoken with them before. They have achieved (sober) serenity and peace in their lives, and they were pretty much clones of us. After the meeting she gave me her # and hinted about being my sponsor. She also told me that once her H got sober, they had to re-learn their entire relationship, including sober sex. It's not easy, but possible. Those meeting are amazing if just for one thing - my H and I talk more freely than any other time, commenting on stuff we heard. I told him that, and I finally told him about the strip club experience. He apologized and said he'd done things he hadn't been proud of, but that he was trying. I also confided to him about what I needed from myself and from him when it came to intimacy. He agreed he didn't want to live like roomates, and I admitted I was behind a wall.

I read a book this weekend about female sexuality too. Thanks FunnyOne, I'll check out that book too. The book did say something about losing it if you don't use it that resonates with all your comments. I'm kinda sitting behind my wall, scared, wondering if I'm ready. It's also been so long I feel like I've lost touch with sex in general as a couple. I almost feel like a teen again, relearning and feeling a bit awkward about the whole thing. Trust is a big issue, but so far he is showing trustworthiness. So I suppose it's my turn and I should try to venture out a toe. The book also said to try baby steps, such as just experiences that are intimate but don't lead to sex. That may be a good place to start. Like a massage. And I also suppose that trying with him will give me the answer as to whether or not we can recapture it.

Anvilhead, at the start of our relationship we had some pretty intense intimacy. Maybe not all levels as we were young, not really spiritual, but I felt really connected to him. This is what I hang on to right now. I loved how he made me feel back then. And truly, I don't know where some of that went. Life threw him some curveballs.

It's one of those "It Takes Time" things. Things aren't going to magically be fixed just cuz he's quit drinking, that's what AA is for, to help fix things. Make sense?

And --- what do YOU want??


Blue

I hope that the answer to your question is yes because then it will give me hope that eventually my husband and I will get it back too!

I like the idea of making out with no sex. :-) Lots of serious kissing. But hey, if you want to go with massages........ lol.....

Seriously though, this is a great way to build into and build up intimacy. (I'll leave all the rest of my analytical thoughts that follow off the post this time.)

:c020:

Me too!! I feel like my ABF has no intimate feelings at all toward me...... and I have no idea if its because he is giving it to someone else....so I am happy for you and your husband that you are going to the couples meetings...... My ABF will never share that with me I know he would not be accepting of me going with him or even asking about it he seems so closed off except for a peck on the cheek or lips when he leaves for work, did you go thru this with your H ? I dont even know if my ABF is taking his counseling seriously....so I would say you guys are headed in a good direction....hope to be there one day.....wait wait wait ....time will tell .....
:Flower111