silkspin

Hi everyone, I'm glad I'm not the only one in this boat and hopefully this is helping others as much as it's helping me. Anvil, your question about who is is today. He is rebuilding his life in sobriety, and all that comes with it. It's a tough road, but he is making progress. When I look at him I see the man I chose to build a life and have a child with, and he's trying hard. Do I love him, as he is today? I think so. The doubt there I think is simply me trying to heal. I didn't have healthy behaviours, so I have to have compassion and understanding that he didn't either and that neither of us intentionally walked down this road of growing coldness. But do I want to jump his bones? Not really. I think just too much was piled on top of me; the last 3 years being pregnant and having a child just added to my exhaustion and inner changes as a mother. I lost strength to be a wife. This is me seeing if we can be husband and wife again. Most of my doubt about what I want stems from realizing my own unhealthy behaviours and wondering how flawed my decision-making is. Hopefully this will come clearer to me as I work through my program and face myself more deeply.

Well apparently I wasn't the only one thinking about this. The other day he came home depressed; he'd started talking with my BIL over lunch and he was saying how good things were with him and my sis (they've had rocky times too). And he also told H to take baby steps. But it depressed H that it's been so long with us, that we don't have intimacy and he's upset our relationship has come to this. He actually...gulp...started to talk about his feelings. Wow. Well we chatted for awhile about it, and then I told him about the massage thing, starting slowly, and how if he lingered on a kiss for longer than the usual peck, who knows what that might do. He admitted that because I've been such a strong personality to his 'go with the flow' one (that hasn't really served him well), he's pretty scared of me. I told him that al anon has really helped me, and that he needs to assert himself in the relationship and not be scared. Anyway, last few days his peck have lingered a split second longer.

So, not there yet. Wife2kids, I'm sorry about your situation but sounds like you're being pretty honest with yourself that can only serve you well. I don't think I'm quite in your boat, but I'll admit it's scary to let my thoughts go there. I don't think I'm prepared to walk away. The couples in our meeting have said that they were able to rekindle but it took a long time, but they had made the commitment despite how tough it may have been, and it paid off. These people truly look happy, and many said it was better than it ever had been. So I'm hanging in for the ride, for now.

sorry for the length, but it's cathartic to talk about this openly!