twopznapod

so, this all started several months\weeks ago, my husband (sober 9 months ) and his mom (sober 20 years) wanted to "talk" about the residual anger issues I had from his addiction...i blew it off...i really thought i was past that....but apparently being past it only meant looking past it...a couple weeks ago, my husband went to a bar one nite to catch up with an old friend we know...she works there...and it's one of the only ways to catch up with her...thought i was fine about the whole situation...i mean of course there were the voices screaming in the back of my head saying you know he's going to drink...but he didn't...the whole thing kind of blew over...until a couple nites later, he went to a bar again...(no drinking this time either), but i lost it....went absolutely ballistic on him...it was like i took a step back and let the abused, stepped on, resent and hate ridden girl i was from years ago start talking...which means there was a lot of yelling....and it was then i realized just how pissed off i am with him....not the him now, the him he was....the things he would say to me were things you wouldn't even say to your worst enemy...the times he wasn't there for me, for our kids...what's ironic is the best thing he ever did for me and the worst were within about a week of each other...my grandpa died (very traumatic for me....he raised me) I was 6 months pregnant with our second child and my husband and i were fighting like cats and dogs...barely speaking to each other was the only way to keep the peace...i called him at work, sobbing that i had to take grandpa to the hospital for what i just knew was the last time...about 45 minutes later he walked in the hospital, threw his arms around me and told me no matter what he wouldn't let me fall...unfortunately it was the last time my grandpa was hospitalized...he died 8\2\2004, six days before my 25th birthday...i was absolutely devastated...felt like i had no one to lean on, my grandma was crushed, my dad doesn't express emotion, and truthfully my stepmom is great, but she just tried hard...so lost, hurt, and lonely i look up and there is a man in front of me, i recognize his face but that's about it...my husband suddenly became the man i had prayed for him to be..selfless, genuine, thoughtful, compassionate, sincere, supportive, absolutely wonderful...he asked his boss at the time for the week off, to be there for me...and he was...in ways i didn't even know he was capable of...we buried grandpa on 8\5, it was 100% heartwrenching...apparently however my wonderful husband must have been buried too...by the time we got home, he changed clothes and was out the door before I could get my dress unzipped...didn't see him for 3 days, talked to him twice i think...i wasn't so much mad that he had left, or even that he had left for 3 days...i was pissed that after all of the emotions i had been through and after everything he had become to console me, that part of him left...he was back to looking for answers in the bottom of bottles...where he stayed until 9 months ago...there are days i wake up (now) and it's like a auto replay starts in my head..i flash back to days from the past (there were a whole lot of them to pick from) and you know no, he's not the same person now he was then, but he has the same face....and i look at him, and i just hate him..for all the things he did to me, for all the things he didn't do for me...for all the horrible words he said to me, and for all the less than genuine loving things he tried to orchestrate when it didn't interfere with his plans...for all the times he'd walk out the door going to bar leaving me in tears, wondering if he was going to make it home this time...for all the times i had to see the disappointment in my kids faces when he wasn't there to say prayers...and then trying to answer the questions of "why's daddy sleeping on the living room floor with all his clothes on and his shoes on. i love him, please don't misunderstand...i have been totally committed to him since we met, 11 years ago...i waited patiently for him to come around...i thought it was a phase...we were both young, but i grew up and he didn't....he got worse...now things are much different and i truly don't know why i feel so much anger towards him sometimes...granted i don't exactly deal with things--that's my choice...it makes my life easier at that moment...i just don't know...how do you deal with years upon years upon years of nothing but pure hell...pure emotional and verbal abuse, with rays of "i love yous" in there, just to confuse me i think...our entire relationship hasn't been awful, when it was good, it was really good, but when it was bad it was almost unbearable...really...how do i even start to heal something i have tried so hard to bury as far down as i could...

blessed4x

(((twopz))).....I can so relate to your pain. I couldn't deal with it and ended up divorcing. I admire that you are committed to the path you are on and finding a way to make it work. Have you been to Alanon? It has helped me to bring the focus back on me, and to heal some of those same hurts you have.

I also read Melody Beattie's "The language of Letting Go". It's a daily reading book and I've found it almost always speaks to my need for the day. Just a couple suggestions.

MeHandle

:-) Take your husband up on his offer?

Tell him everything you just told us?

Don't blow it off and take one small trusting step at a time?

Do you trust him enough now to do this? Do you believe he wants to go through this for both him and you, to bring more reconciliation to your marriage?

And it sounds like you are already starting the healing process as you recognize you only tried to bury it. :-)

love tammy

Daisy30

I agree with the pp's

Al anon is a great help. Maybe if he goes to AA you can go to open meetings too (when you are ready).

Counceling might help at this point also (individual and joint).

((((())))) I can relate to what you are going through, although my AH is not in recovery.