What people think about me is none of my business?
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What people think about me is none of my business?
I'm feeling very hurt today by an e-mail that a co-worker/friend sent to me yesterday in response to a voice-mail that I left for this person that they took the wrong way and proceeded to respond to my voice-mail with an e-mail to me that was an attack on me as a person. I won't repeat what this person said to me, as it is too vile and viscious for me to look at again without crying. I was horrified that this person interpetted my voice-mail in the wrong way and immediatley apologized via e-mail and a phone call. I can see how they interpretted me the wrong way, but am still shocked at the things that this person said to me in this e-mail about me as a person. This person has informed me that they are glad that I apologized and that they misunderstood me. However, I am now sitting here thinking that the awful things that this person said to me about me as an individual and am asking myself why on earth would I want someone who thinks of me like they communicated to me that they do in my life? I've known this person for years and there has been several instances where they have been abusive and disrepectful to me, but I have always forgiven them and moved on. I'm now seeing that my co-dependency issues are not just in direct relation with the love interests in my life (boyfriends/ex-husband) , but also with everyday people in my life. I'm really starting to feel that it is time for me to detach from this individual and set my boundaries very firm. I'm still having a hard time at not getting upset again when I think of the things that this person said to me in that e-mail. I know that I need to accept that what this person said about me is none of my business, but am struggling with that concept. How does a person get to the point where things that people say to them and about them does not bother them? Any support/advice would be very appreciated. Thanks so much.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi CNMC2C!
What are your new boundaries with this person, are you going no contact? I would go no contact, honestly.
Good for you for realizing your issues affect how you relate with others, not only partners... this is a huge eye opener!! and sets you up for better relations in the future.
Can you do a handwritten letter to this person? Tell him or her exactly how you feel, the betrayal, remind them of past instances of stomping over you.. then go home and burn the paper. Repeat until sanity. That is what I do and it is so great seeing the fire consuming it all.
I know it hurts a lot to see the "truth" of a person but perhaps this happened so you went far away from this person and prevent worse situations and backstabbing to happen?
I recall when exabf was drunk and started saying I was a coward (like, for no reason at all)... I got totally hurt.
If the same happened now I would just put a mirror infront of him and know its HIM he is talking about!!
I hope you take those feelings out and do something very special for you today!
What are your new boundaries with this person, are you going no contact? I would go no contact, honestly.
Good for you for realizing your issues affect how you relate with others, not only partners... this is a huge eye opener!! and sets you up for better relations in the future.
Can you do a handwritten letter to this person? Tell him or her exactly how you feel, the betrayal, remind them of past instances of stomping over you.. then go home and burn the paper. Repeat until sanity. That is what I do and it is so great seeing the fire consuming it all.
I know it hurts a lot to see the "truth" of a person but perhaps this happened so you went far away from this person and prevent worse situations and backstabbing to happen?
I recall when exabf was drunk and started saying I was a coward (like, for no reason at all)... I got totally hurt.
If the same happened now I would just put a mirror infront of him and know its HIM he is talking about!!
I hope you take those feelings out and do something very special for you today!
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CNMC2C, I'm so sorry this has happened. But in every ugly situation like this, there is a thread that teaches us something.
This bothered me a little about your post:
I'm wondering too why you want such a person in your life? ANY such person? A loose cannon who needs to be repeatedly forgiven for lashing out at you? Including someone like that in your confidence is like a having a ticking bomb sitting on your countertop for years, waiting for it to go off, tiptoeing past it. Even if she only does this infrequently, why would that be good for you?
The more I have examined the people in my life and weeded out the ones who would EVER be abusive with me (EVER -- did I mention EVER ?
) the fewer incidents like this I have had. In fact, I can't remember the last time this happened to me, though it happened very frequently when I was younger.
Toxic people have no place in our lives, friend. I don't care WHO they are, or how long you've known them.
Has this person apologized to you for saying what she said? Have you expressed your anger to her? I certainly would, if you intend to keep her around.
But personally, I would be thinking more along the lines of getting that bomb out of your life, and populating it ONLY with people who know how to be civilized.
Every time we remove those toxins from our lives, the water gets clearer and sweeter.
What other people think is none of our business, until they lash out and abuse us.
Then, in my world, they are gone, gone, gone. They can take their poison to someone else's life.
Hugs to you,
GL
This bothered me a little about your post:
I've known this person for years and there has been several instances where they have been abusive and disrepectful to me, but I have always forgiven them and moved on.
The more I have examined the people in my life and weeded out the ones who would EVER be abusive with me (EVER -- did I mention EVER ?
) the fewer incidents like this I have had. In fact, I can't remember the last time this happened to me, though it happened very frequently when I was younger.Toxic people have no place in our lives, friend. I don't care WHO they are, or how long you've known them.
Has this person apologized to you for saying what she said? Have you expressed your anger to her? I certainly would, if you intend to keep her around.
But personally, I would be thinking more along the lines of getting that bomb out of your life, and populating it ONLY with people who know how to be civilized.
Every time we remove those toxins from our lives, the water gets clearer and sweeter.
What other people think is none of our business, until they lash out and abuse us.
Then, in my world, they are gone, gone, gone. They can take their poison to someone else's life.
Hugs to you,
GL
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Originally Posted by CNMC2C 
However, I am now sitting here thinking that the awful things that this person said to me about me as an individual and am asking myself why on earth would I want someone who thinks of me like they communicated to me that they do in my life? I've known this person for years and there has been several instances where they have been abusive and disrepectful to me, but I have always forgiven them and moved on. I'm now seeing that my co-dependency issues are not just in direct relation with the love interests in my life (boyfriends/ex-husband) , but also with everyday people in my life. I'm really starting to feel that it is time for me to detach from this individual and set my boundaries very firm.
Seeing that codependency was all over the place in my life was the first step in stopping it. As a result of my recovery work, I have much better relationships with my sons, friends and deal with work place issues very differently too.
Learning that we don't have to accept what we find unacceptable is a huge step forward, where ever that unacceptableness may be.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Has this person apologized to you for saying what she said? Have you expressed your anger to her? I certainly would, if you intend to keep her around.
This is a guy that I have to work with on a day to day basis, whom I actually helped get his now job years ago. Unfortunately there is no way for me to go no contact with this person due to us sharing projects for work. I'm starting to notice a trend in all the men that I allow into the inner circle of my life....they all tend to be mentally and emotionally abusive toward me....much like my father. This person hasn't apologized and won't. I know that he feels that verbally attacking me the way that he did was justified and that I deserved everything he threw my way. He is known to be a loose cannon professionally and personally. I have never had anyone say the things that he said to me and do not intend to allow him in my personal life anymore, but can't avoid it professionally. I'm done with the drama and walking around on egg shells with this person. Earlier this year, I detached from him by hanging up on a business call with him when he started screaming at me due to not agreeing with what I was saying. I refused from that point on to speak with him on the phone, everything had to be done via e-mail for work. Once we were at sales meetings and he was in front of our peers, he apologized. I'm now seeing all of the abuse and maniplation that has surrounded my relationship with this person for years. This cycle has to stop now, and I am the only person who can stop it. I am now realizing that I need to start doing some house-cleaning with co-workers/friends who are toxic. I am tired of allowing people to walk all over me just so that they will be nice to me every once in a while and not make my work life a living hell. I am now seeing that this is a blessing in disguise and yet another way to keep focusing on my recovery by being aware and practicing detachment.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Kudos to you, CNMC!!
With those kind of coworkers... sometimes I feel grateful my only relation with them is work related and NOTHING ELSE
My sis' and my life changed when we learned coworkers are NOT our friends! Or just a few of them that actually prove they are great people
Also when I overhear coworkers getting personal, etc I put my iPod and listen to Metallica the Black Album. If you can use headphones in your work, I suggest you do so
With those kind of coworkers... sometimes I feel grateful my only relation with them is work related and NOTHING ELSE
My sis' and my life changed when we learned coworkers are NOT our friends! Or just a few of them that actually prove they are great people
Also when I overhear coworkers getting personal, etc I put my iPod and listen to Metallica the Black Album. If you can use headphones in your work, I suggest you do so
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Way to go, CNMC2C -- detox your life!!! You deserve only people who support and respect you as a person. The rest can go to (whoops, GiveLove finds her profanity filter) .......gooooo.....find their own circle of friends
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hi cnmc2c-
you asked how you can not be bothered about what people think of you? it's when your sense of who you are comes wholly from within yourself.
as for your abusive co-worker, good on you for recognizing the pattern. i always remind myself "say what you mean, but don't say it mean".
at the end of the day, we are responsible for what we do or say. that we can control, even if the others behave like spoilt children.
naive
you asked how you can not be bothered about what people think of you? it's when your sense of who you are comes wholly from within yourself.
as for your abusive co-worker, good on you for recognizing the pattern. i always remind myself "say what you mean, but don't say it mean".
at the end of the day, we are responsible for what we do or say. that we can control, even if the others behave like spoilt children.
naive
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Originally Posted by CNMC2C
I am now realizing that I need to start doing some house-cleaning with co-workers/friends who are toxic. I am tired of allowing people to walk all over me just so that they will be nice to me every once in a while and not make my work life a living hell. I am now seeing that this is a blessing in disguise and yet another way to keep focusing on my recovery by being aware and practicing detachment.
:ghug :ghug
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Originally Posted by CNMC2C
Earlier this year, I detached from him by hanging up on a business call with him when he started screaming at me due to not agreeing with what I was saying. I refused from that point on to speak with him on the phone, everything had to be done via e-mail for work.
The unfortunate thing is that people aren't going to come to your rescue. But the fortunate part is when you come to your own rescue, people take notice and will respect you more. They'll see that you demand respectful behavior. It'll snowball. Sometimes people have to be reminded that you deserve to be treated well. It's okay if you remind them.
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Originally Posted by dothi
Good idea! But avoidance isn't necessarily enough to ensure you're breaking out of the codependency cycle. CNMC2C, practice verbalizing those firm boundaries. Practice in front of a mirror - with firm eye contact and tone of voice. Try what works for you. "You don't need to talk to me like this. When you've calmed down, I am willing to try again." Make your boundary abundantly clear. Imagine what his reaction would be (and what other people would think) if he was harping on you at a meeting, and you calmly asked him to stop - just like that. Seriously, practice with a friend. What would his next reaction be? What would be a calm, empowering way to respond?
The unfortunate thing is that people aren't going to come to your rescue. But the fortunate part is when you come to your own rescue, people take notice and will respect you more. They'll see that you demand respectful behavior. It'll snowball. Sometimes people have to be reminded that you deserve to be treated well. It's okay if you remind them.
The unfortunate thing is that people aren't going to come to your rescue. But the fortunate part is when you come to your own rescue, people take notice and will respect you more. They'll see that you demand respectful behavior. It'll snowball. Sometimes people have to be reminded that you deserve to be treated well. It's okay if you remind them.
Thanks to all of you that have responded. SR is such a great place that has helped me thru some really tough times. I'm coming up on my anniversary of starting my recovery work, and have to say that this place has been a tremendous help to me so many times. All of you are wonderful, thoughtful, kind, wise, special people. Hugs to you all!!!!
:ghug
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