Hurting again.........
 

Today I felt like a robot........going thru the day being careful of what to say & not to say, wanting to scream ...........STOP BEING SO INDIFFERENT! STOP ACTING LIKE WE ARE STRANGERS! STOP ACTING LIKE WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS, LOVERS, PARTNERS..........ugggghhh as we moved thru the day grocery shopping etc...... I felt like he was going thru the motions not seeing or caring to see me, not really hearing me or caring to hear me ...........there were fleeting moments when he seemed like he really wanted to let that guard down & laugh with me ............ then the cloud passed over his face & he started talking about "things he has been learning in "group" " All I can see or hear is that he is learning to be indifferent, cold, heartless, aloof........(only toward me). I wonder if he is still seeing the "friend he met" I won't ask because I dont' want to hear the answer............so I hurt......alone..... I asked if he had a good day today ....he says " it was ok, just a day" what does that mean??????? Here I was feeling all sorts of emotions all day .....happy one minute sad the next ...and all he says was it was just a day.....well it was a day that we have not even tried to have in 2 years .............just a day ? ......I want to cry, I feel stupid, and yes I feel like he has discarded me. Like I was never there, like 14 and a half years together were never there. Did I dream all the years? Were all the I love yous just a dream?

How is it that when the A gets "help" they just become so cold & distant, so self absorbed, so uncaring? Hurtful, he says " I didn't mean to hurt your feelings" But I don't know what I am going to want tomorrow, next day etc............. :c020:

I remember what it's like to want something so badly from someone who is incapable of giving it to me.

I pray that you will do the work necessary to discover and love yourself.

What you are living currently is miserable. I know because I've been there.

I refuse to let anyone have that kind of power over me anymore.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

I am sorry you are hurting.
:ghug

Have you made an appointment with a counseler or therapist? I agree with Devon that you will benefit from learning to love and care for yourself.

This is your wonderful life, you have value and worth. You have children and grandchildren as part of your world. Love yourself, love them, and let yourself feel the love that is around you. It's there. You may have been looking for it at the wrong places recently. That's okay, we get distracted and loose our focus at times.

Maybe it's time to make a gratitude list. List the things in your world that you are thankful for. A roof over your head, a bed to sleep in, groceries in the kitchen, your health, your children, grandchildren, job, talents, generosity, compassion and joy. I hope you find your joy again.

Love and hugs:ghug

Hi catlady

I am sorry you are in the :coaster but I am next to you!

Just offering hugs, I agree an individual therapist can help you greatly... reach out, you do not have to do this alone! If you are alone it is because you want to be alone.. but it does not HAVE to be that way

This too shall pass

I agree with Anvil.

It has taken practice and persistence, but I am starting to really feel a sense of inner peace and happiness that does not depend on my ABF's mood of the day. Sure, a particularly nasty mood of his can derail me, I'm working through those days well and one day distance and a no contact declaration by me will keep those days from cropping up, but it's so much better than it was.

I am finding far more humor in everyday things. I smile more. I'm more chatty with people when I am out and about and it doesn't feel forced. I just feel like chatting and for a reclusive soul like me that's huge.

I find I am more sympathetic when things go wrong in his day (things that would suck for anybody) and find I can offer condolences but not get dragged into the mire when he turns to quacking or "blamestorming." And I don't take on his misery over things. Just because he confides something to me that's troubilng him, I don't stew over it anymore. If advice is requested, I now encourage him to ask his buddies or look for answers himself citing I don't have his perspective to offer help, sorry.

When my emotional health runs on its own rails and isn't directed by anyone else's emotions, I can feel a difference.

Alice

Thank you all for the encouraging words!! Here I am again today, I am searching for a job.........must get one soon......:)

So, the ABF got up this morning, seemed cranky, I asked if he was ok....... he said yes. I figured ok well he is ok.........he left for work...11:30am...... he texts me twice in the next hour & a half to tell me he stopped here & there...... ok I had no idea he was NOT going straight to work......still wondering what that was about ....seemed fishy ......so I called him at work........ "he is not in" (of course not) .......... So almost 4:00pm he called me to tell me he IS working today "but" he was having an anxiety attack so he went to see his "therapist"........I said why what happened? ......he says I was having a problem......I said ok .....care to share? .....he says no....... I say well is this because of the time we spent together yesterday? No. Is there anything I can do? No. ok I asked well why did you call or text me.......... He says I did not want to fall into the trap of you not believing me since they told you I was not at work....... I am on my way there now...I did not want this to turn into an arguement later.....I said THAT was unfair to say...I have not questioned or argued anything for a long time..........he sounded so COLD and almost MEAN.......... so why? I did not ask anything or do anything for him to involve me in any of this today......ALL I knew was he was leaving for work....... for all I would have known allllllll day he could have been at work........ WHY !!!!!! Did he need an arguement to justify something he may have done wrong today ( like not seeing his therapist but maybe the other woman?) I ALMOST SAID WHATEVER MAN .............. But I kept my cool & listened to what sounded scary .....and I told him I hope he feels better.........Jeeeeeeez this is weird :coaster

Here's a challenge for you. Take one hour of your day and do something for yourself that has nothing to do with him. Do not think about him at all. Focus on you and only you. One hour. Can you do that?

L

LaTeeDa, Yes I can do that....... I know it seems like my whole focus is on this guy and what he is saying & doing and I know I should focus on myself ....its hard when things like this happen and I hear him saying words but the words don't seem real ....and the actions are there but they seem forced.....its just frustrating living on a tightrope... trying not to fall or be pushed off...... trying to be a good person, trying to be supportive while being pushed away (he says he is not trying to push me away but seems like he is) ......ok I am going now to spend an hour not thinking or analyzing anything else about my ABF...........Thank you for the challenge......I'll be back

Back?

Now do it again









When I was going through something similar my sponsor gave me "busy work"

The best I ever heard was a woman who when her sponsees called with their "stuff" she said, OK, I want you to walk to a meeting (she'd pick one miles away) and say listen to the speaker, then walk home, and call me and tell me about it.

4 hours later she'd get a call "What now?" they'd ask

"walk to another meeting"

it worked

trying not to fall or be pushed off...... trying to be a good person, trying to be supportive while being pushed away (he says he is not trying to push me away but seems like he is)

PHEW :hyper just reading about all that EFFORT, :Squat: all that TRYING :ExeJump: is exhausting to me!!!!!!! :-)


Give yourself a break. Let yourself BE. Live and let live.

Hope you enjoy your power hour!!
peace and (((hugs)))
b

I know just the thing when I feel sad. Something funny of course!!
You're about to feel a whole lot better!
YouTube - Funny Video