Has this happened to anyone in here?

Old 06-24-2009, 06:25 PM
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Has this happened to anyone in here?

Hi there,

I am new to this forum. I hope it will help being here as I have been through a lot in the last week and a half.

As you all may have guessed I am the girlfriend (ex girlfriend at the moment) of an alcoholic. I was with him for 2 years. He was never abusive verbally or physically. He just constantly made poor choices due to alcohol and weed. It became a toll on my life. I loved him. He loved me. Everything was good except for the alcohol. (I know you have heard this many times) I have a 5 year old son and eventually I started realizing that I can't raise my son like this. Even though he would never abuse him, he was especially hard on him. He would become very agitated when he didn't drink, and then would be very annoyed with my son. So anyways, 1 and a half weeks ago I decided to leave. I figured if he saw what he would lose, it may prompt him to get help.

However this has seemed to backfire on me. He doesn't want to talk to me about it. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and is not begging me back which is so common among alcoholics. Sometimes he gives me blips about breaking his heart and wanting pictures of us back. But other than that, he says nothing when I text him about the reasons that I left.

I know that, according to al anon, you should not leave to get them to get help. That you should leave only for your own sanity. That you should use the time away to work on yourself. I have been trying very hard to do this, but I can't seem to come to grips that the alcohol was more important than me. Thats the way he's treating it anyways. I find myself utterly depressed and lonely. I feel shafted. Like the last two years meant nothing. We had previously spoken about marriage and having children. He seemed so in love with me and I in love with him.

So I was wondering if anyone here has had the same thing happen to them? How did you cope with loss and finding out that you weren't loved as much as you thought? Will things change? Will he ever get the help that he needs and come back? Or should I just give up all hope?

I really am trying to work on myself. I got my own place, pay my own bills and take care of my son the best that I can. I planned this all about two weeks prior to leaving. I know what I want, but the prospect of dating someone else almost seems like cheating to me. Even though we are broken up. I didn't leave him because I didn't love him. I left him because I do! I want him to get help.

I'm so sad.

Sarah
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Old 06-24-2009, 06:37 PM
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Sarah, I'm so glad you found us. There is a wealth of information and support here (have you read the Sticky posts at the top of the forum?) and I know it will help you through this time.

I'm sorry you are sad -- and yes, we all understand how you feel. I know there is little I could say that will help you heal faster (and that is what's happening: you're healing right now and it hurts just as a wound would hurt). But I did want to share this, in the hopes that it might help:

There are two ways that you might look at your situation:

The first, the one you're feeling right now, is that you were abandoned by a man who "chose alcohol over you," doesn't care enough, etc.

The second is that you made an intelligent, conscious choice on behalf of your little boy to remove him from a situation that was going to turn him into a very damaged adult. You'd hoped that, as a side benefit, it might be like a wake-up call, capable of changing someone's basic nature, but it wasn't.

Neither way of looking at it gives you instant healing and happiness again. But if you choose to look at things the second way -- and really feel it when you look in your son's eyes -- you will get better with each passing day, and you will know you did the right thing.

I know you love him. I know you wish he would get help, get 100% better, and you would have back the best of what you used to have. But this is magical thinking, trying to alter something you didn't cause, can't cure, can't control.

What you CAN control -- whether you will pass the cycle of alcoholism on through your son, and whether you were willing to live with the constant nagging stress of alcohol and drug abuse -- you have done.

Please stick around. Share your stories, your feelings. Read a lot of posts -- learn about the evolution many have gone through, from agony to joy. Continue to work on yourself in every way that reaches out to you -- you will grow stronger. Learn everything you can about alcoholism and you will learn, above everything else: His alcoholism is not about you. It just is.

Regardless of "his" choices, YOU can still have an amazingly happy life. I promise you that. Your healing starts today......lean on us!!


GL
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Old 06-24-2009, 06:43 PM
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The passage below is from this article:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them."

*****

And BTW, staying or leaving him really isn't about whether and/or how much you love him -- It's about whether and how much you love yourself...and maybe your son, too.

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Old 06-24-2009, 06:50 PM
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(((((Sarah)))))

Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

Give Love has some excellent advice.

I can't seem to come to grips that the alcohol was more important than me. Thats the way he's treating it anyways.
Sad to say he does. I can tell you that as my alcoholism progressed KING ALCOHOL became MY MASTER. Nothing else mattered, and I sure didn't love myself, so was really incapable of loving someone else.

It might be best for you, for now, to go NO CONTACT. NC will allow you to work on you. No matter what you text him, or say to him, or email, he WILL NOT hear it. He is living in his own reality, fa from the real world.

Please for you and the little one, step back for a bit, go NC, start working on you through Al-Anon and one on one counseling if need be.

Alcoholics are manipulatos, liars, abusers of other peoples emotions and finances. I know, during my 'practicing' yeas I was too. Alcoholics can seel refrigerators to Eskimos that live in igloos. They slip and slide and crate drama to take the focus off of them.

I know you hurt right now. I want you to know though that by removing yourself and that young man of yours from the situation, you have done the very best thing you could do for your son and yourself!!!!

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so much. You can vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh.

Many of us have been where you are now. We are here for you!

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-24-2009, 07:09 PM
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Thank you all. I cried at each of these posts so far. You all are so right and I know deep down in my heart that you are. But I just can't help missing him. The real him. The him that doesn't drink!

Our relationship started out with drinking. But for the first three months, I drank with him also. Of course three months in, I was fed up with the hangovers. I quit to start focusing on making a life with him. He never did. He's a binge drinker. The binging occurred every time he went out with his friends and 4 times a week or so at home. He has no control over himself. He would begin drinking and not stop until he passed out. He frequently would not remember the night before. He would drive drunk constantly.

But he held down a full time job. he went through 3 jobs since we were together. He has this complex that he's god's gift to IT. His first job he got fired from for being late. He would stay up late drinking, sleep in and show up late. The second job led to his third job as he was working for a contracted company. Now he's making lots of money for an insurance company. How he keeps his job, I do not know. He doesn't show up until 10 or 11 o'clock every day. It doesn't effect his money any because he is salary. He works from home sometimes and when he does, he's drinking the whole time. I have heard him on conferance calls where he is slurring his speech. But he just works right through it! I don't get it. Are these people blind??

I'm scared for him I guess. I want him to hit rock bottom, but at the same time I know how secretly depressed he is. His alcohol is self medication. He went on perscribed depression pills for 2 weeks. That was the BEST two weeks ever! He was pleasent, not easily annoyed and showed so much love for my son and I. Then one day, He decided the pills were not as good as the booze. So he started right back up again.

Then when I threatened to leave the first time, he told me he would stop. He was so irritated with it that he replaced the alcohol with weed. This was a big no go for me because I'm a 911 dispatcher and can't have any of that arround me. I don't agree with it and didn't want it in the house. He told me he would buy just a little so he could quit drinking easier. It would only be temporary. How wrong was I?? He started smoking it EVERY day. I gave another ultimatum and he again tried quitting both. Within a month he was back to the drinking AND smoking weed on top of it. That was when I knew I had to get out. I realized that it would never get better until something drastic happened. Well apparently it will never get better.

Sorry to type so much. It feels good just to tell my story. Thanks for welcoming me so warmly. I will definatly be sticking around for awhile.

Light and Love,

Sarah
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Old 06-24-2009, 08:12 PM
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Welcome to the SR family Sarah!

We're glad you found us. Read and post as much as you need.

I left my active alcoholic husband. I could not put myself and my children through any more of the walking on eggshells, planning days off to postpone the inevitable binge drunk, worrying that he was going to loose his job, get a dui and end up in jail. It was too much.

I looked at my children as my inspiration. I wanted them to believe in me, their mom. I want to show them that I respect myself enough to want a better life. I want a better life for them also.

I wanted my husband to get better also, but I learned that I could not control him, I didn't cause him to become an alcoholic and I certainly could not cure him. I needed to get out of his way and let him live his life as he wanted.

Sometimes they do decide to get better. Sometimes they do not. My ex is now sober, in AA and working his steps with a sponsor. I did not cause that. That happened because it was his time to begin a new chapter in his own life. We are happy for him. I am working on myself and growing spiritually, mentally and I am doing it one day at a time.

You will find lots of support here, make yourself at home!
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Old 06-24-2009, 08:46 PM
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Thats the sad thing about an addiction. It robs the person of every thing good and replaces it with things like, selfishness, paranoia, need to control(manipulate) others and so on.
We have no place in their addiction. It's all about them and it always will be till they decide to get help.
Don't play into the self destructive idea that you (or anyone) will be able to "cure" them of their disease, that if you "could only get them to understand your feelings."
It doesn't happen.
Get that in your head. Then, find something for you. Something that you can look forward to so you don't have to feel down and out.
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Old 06-25-2009, 05:19 AM
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Oh, lucid, sounds like my guy. Especially when he drank, he'd also think he was God's gift to IT! Even in the days when he was first in the industry, and only when he drank. When he was sober, he was more humble; the drink helped him feel more (and overly) confident. That's the high he'd look for, because otherwise he still always felt like a failure inside. He has been depressed a few times in our time together and was even on meds for awhile. He was also a binge drinker. The party guy that was always the one everyone needed to help get home. Once he started, he didn't stop until he was wasted. And once we had our little girl, the going out subsided a bit, but then he drank to oblivion at home. I threatened to leave, made him go to addiction therapy, la la la, nothing worked. I did finally force him into a separate bedroom; we moved cities and it was temporary until we sold our house and then he'd be asked to leave. He did seek help and has been sober 6 months. But, he is still not 'recovering'. A bit of a geographic cure (he's no longer in the milieu of all his 'bad' friends), but he's isolated himself from just about every social activity. It's like he's hiding; although he says he really wants to make friends and go out, he feels that that can't happen without alcohol.

There are still problems, and I take it day by day to see if this will take us to a better place. Going into recovery doesn't mean that there will be some sort of magic cure; it brings a host of new and different issues as they struggle with their demons. You are doing what is best for you and your son, and that is paramount. Even if your leaving prompted him to do something about it, if they don't want it for themselves, it won't stick for the long term. Keep focused on yourself.
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Old 06-25-2009, 06:52 AM
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Hi Sarah,

Your story reminds me of what I'm going through. It's so hard to reconcile my memories of a loving partner with the person who acts like they couldn't care less. I still sometimes torture myself by thinking that underneath it all my AW still cares about me but just has so much pain and self-loathing that she can't stand to see me. That makes me feel better for a bit but the problem is that it doesn't help me move on and get healthier because I'm trying to think of ways to get to the feelings I think are hidden underneath.

I'm trying to just accept the fact that whether she still loves me or not, she is not "loving" to me and I have no control of that. It's been a few months for me and it still hurts a little to think about, but it's better than it was and gets a little better every week. I guess that's not advice, but maybe it will help to know that it can get better.
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Old 06-25-2009, 09:41 AM
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Hi Sarah I am glad you found SR, this is a great place full of ppl that understand 100% how you feel

This guy sounds a lot like an ex ah bf, it is astonishing they all read the same script... he is also God's answer to Security in IT LOL

I too drank with him at first, thinking he was like me (a social drinker).

It is SO heartbreaking when you start noticing the guy gives alcohol much more importance and keeps on doing it. Its like... YOU SEE HOW IT AFFECTS OUR RELATION, HOW IT AFFECTS ME... AND YOU STILL PREFER YOUR DAMN WHISKEY??? I was totally heartbroken and shocked!

2 weeks after the breakup ex ah bf was with a new girl that drinks more than him at age 23. No easy feat.

It is very difficult, to reconcile those two ppl, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It does not make any sense.

Especially, what hurt me a lot, was that there was no time to swallow the hard pills. One day I was "the woman he loved" "the best thing that have happened to him" and I was really into him - then he started insulting me and verbally abusing, apologizing with tears (man are they great actors!!), promising it would not happen again and it DID happen again and again.. By the 3rd time I was done and left. Soon afterwards he was parading the new girl (enabler of his addiction) in our office and with common friends and bringing her to company events, etc. etc I thought I was going mad with sadness, it was a nightmare!!

Sometimes it still is... but it gets better. Fast forward 9 months... reading about alcoholism, attending some AA meetings... reading here in SR has helped me see that is the "modus operandi" of ACTIVE ALCOHOLICS. That he is nothing special. He just does what AHs do. Use people. Deny their illness. The nice guy, the good moments are gone and won't come back. Its OK to mourn that loss, the loss of the dreams.

This disease is too powerful, but know you did nothing wrong, it was not your job to prevent this... and when you realized there was a deep problem you LEFT... something that is not EASY so good for you for looking after your dear son and yourself.

It gets better as you understand these are diseased people that won't get better until they lose family, friends, jobs, homes, cars, health.. and even then... many people die without admitting they had any problem. It is a sad disease. You can do NOTHING to help. An AA member told me when I felt guilt, that I had done the only thing I could: hold his hand. That is all.

Take care, you did the best thing you could do, leave the madness before it affected your son or you... you both deserve a healthy loving atmosphere and joy. An active AH only knows how to destroy.

You are not alone\
Sandra
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Old 06-25-2009, 11:25 AM
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For the third time I have walked away from my AGF. I honestly think that I can't take any more of her behaviour - sometimes it seems that I could be losing my mind. Reading your post, Sarah, has brought it all back to me why I have to take this very large step. I will continue coming here, reading through the tears and taking on inspiration a minute at a time.
With thanks for your experience.
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Old 06-25-2009, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by luciddreamrgrl View Post
But I just can't help missing him. The real him. The him that doesn't drink!

Our relationship started out with drinking. He's a binge drinker.
The binging occurred every time he went out with his friends and 4 times a week or so at home.

He has no control over himself. He would begin drinking and not stop until he passed out.

He frequently would not remember the night before.

He would drive drunk constantly.

His first job he got fired from for being late. He would stay up late drinking, sleep in and show up late.

How he keeps his job, I do not know. He doesn't show up until 10 or 11 o'clock every day.

He works from home sometimes and when he does, he's drinking the whole time.

I have heard him on conferance calls where he is slurring his speech.

He was so irritated with it that he replaced the alcohol with weed. He started smoking it EVERY day.

I gave another ultimatum and he again tried quitting both. Within a month he was back to the drinking AND smoking weed on top of it.
Hi Sarah. I am sorry you are hurting right now but I know in my case the bad days were just a phase of my recovery. I had to grieve the fantasy I concocted in my head about the person I was with. You see, just like your guy, right from the beginning my guy showed me who he was. He was quite consistent in this, but the problem was I did not want to believe what was right in front of my eyes. 20 years later, after much heartache on my part, I decided to open my eyes and look at what was really going on square in the face. I regret it took me so long.

You wrote, " But I just can't help missing him. The real him. The him that doesn't drink!"

Sarah, when I read through what you wrote, I wonder when that happens?

I am so glad you found us. Welcome.
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Old 06-25-2009, 05:52 PM
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chrysalis wow. I like how you did that. Showed me all of the bad things in my post. I must say that I have been wondering a lot lately, if I really knew him. All of the wonderful confessions of being in love and us being "soul mates" were all said to me while he was drunk. He even told me he loved me for the first time when he was drunk. All of the magical moments I experienced with him were while we were drinking or HE was drinking.

Once, he took me to a Christmas party and made me really enjoy dancing for the first time. He was so wasted by the end of the party, I had to practically carry him back to the hotel room. Then the next day, he did not remember anything.

Our cruise we went on, was awesome. But he was so drunk each night that I had to secretly tell the bartender to cut him off and give him virgin drinks. Then, when it was over, he drove me home for 2 hours while he was drunk. He put my life in danger that day. I will never forget how scared I was. He even got two bloody marys when he first woke up. He said he "needed" it to drive us home.

Most of the time, when he was not drinking, he was moody and cranky. He would get irritated with my son and I. He was too hard on my son. My son is very sensative and he never seemed to SEE how much my son loved him and wanted his approval. A 5 year old should never have to work at getting someone's approval.

It really is sad. At this point, even if he did get help, I'm not sure I could stay with him. How do I know the drinking part of him was the only part of him that loved me? Did he only love me when he was drunk or high? Yikes. What a scary thought.

TakingCharge,

That would have been horrible. Just the thought of seeing my exbf right now makes me queezy. I can't imagine having to see him with another woman. We still live right down the street from each other and I have a fear every day that I will see him riding in his car with another woman. The thought of it makes me sick. I have dreams every night that he's sleeping with other women.

Thank you all to the rest of you for taking your valuable time to answer me. You honestly don't know what it means to me to have this kind of support. I don't have a whole lot of friends as I'm still young and I'm not a big fan of the party scene. I'm sitting at home alone right now. I need to get out more.
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