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Relationship with a recovering A.

Old 06-24-2009, 12:41 PM
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Relationship with a recovering A.

Hi there,

Help! I am currently dating a recovering alcoholic on what I believe is in his 4th step. He attends mtg everyday and sometimes 2 a day. Things had progressed along pretty well until a month ago when he started being distant. Contact became only through text. He avoids me as much as possible as he stated that he could not handle our relationship at this time.He states there is too much going on and he needs to focus on himself to get better. I know there are a lot of emotional baggage going on but just to cut someone of that way is too weird for me. He has not broken off the relationship. he is keeping me in limbo. Is this normal for the A behavior? My first instint is that he wants out. He is selfish and emotionally unavailable. Help! Do I just leave him alone or should I support him? Is it normal for A to just cut contact and expect the other person to deal with things alone. I love him and he is a great guy and I believed we had a future but this is realy taking a toll on me. Anyone out their with any advise?
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Old 06-24-2009, 02:44 PM
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josoares,

Welcome to SR! I'm really glad you found us.

I wish I had something to say that would make this easier on you.

But sometimes, alcoholics in recovery need vast amounts of space from relationships in order to do their healing work. Relationships are hard work, full of guesses at how to please others, right/wrong decisions, compromising, and both your own baggage AND someone else's. That could well be what's going on there.

It is also possible that he wants to break off the relationship but doesn't have the courage. If he won't even see you in person, that may be what's happening. But it's impossible to say which is true without coming right out and asking him, in as non-threatening a way as you can.

This is in your best interests to find out, so you can decide whether "selfish and emotionally unavailable" is going to be good enough for you for life. Either way, you will know which way you have to go....I don't know about you, but "Limbo" is not a state I like being in. If you are in pain and he's stringing you along and won't communicate, you don't have to wait for HIM to make a decision. You can also make one.

Wishing you luck with everything!
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Old 06-24-2009, 02:52 PM
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How long has he been sober?
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Old 06-24-2009, 02:53 PM
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Hi josoares, welcome!

It seems so far he is "calling the shots", well you are important too and you can ask him in the best way possible: what's up?

Don't take it personal, they recommend for an alcoholic to be relationship-free for at least one year to avoid these confusions.

All the best!
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Old 06-24-2009, 02:57 PM
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Thank you so much. I needed to hear someone else say it. I do love this guy but I don't know that I am able to stay in limbo knowing what the outcome is going to eventually be like.

God bless.
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Old 06-24-2009, 03:02 PM
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He has been sober for one year. Currently on step 4 or 5. I have asked him to include me in the AA mtgs but he says it won't help me understand him.
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Old 06-24-2009, 03:06 PM
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It hurts to hear but you are right. We have been dating for 7 months.

Thank you
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Old 06-24-2009, 03:07 PM
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you are right...Thank you
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Old 06-24-2009, 06:51 PM
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Hugs to you, ((( josoares )))
This is hard stuff you're having to go through right now.
Be sure to take good care of yourself...you can still be happy, no matter what he chooses.
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