anubus

I was married for 23 years to an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. We divorced 5 years ago. Oddly, he did NOT drink much ever.....yet had (still has) the distinct personality of an A.
It took me many many years to figure out what was wrong with him, just super weird behavior, then one day I got a religious brochure in the mail, titled "Adult Children of Alcoholics".........the article just mesmerized me.........it had ALL the answers that I questioned for many years.

This man quacks like an A, walks like an A, etc......lol. But he rarely DRINKS. He has 6 kids (3 are mine during our 23 year marriage, 3 are to 3 different woman/not wives previous to ours), and now at age 60 is expecting his 7th to a new/younger wife. (Ugh, I'd love to CASTRATE HIM......lol).

Today I had to phone him, becuase he is still on my house mortgage....in the divorce, I was able to get the deed in my name only, but the mortgage co refuses to take his name off the actual mortgage loan. I'm trying to get a loan modification, and his signature would have helped. But the phone call was of course a bunch of total quacking.........I mean I had to listen about his mom on her deathbed (according to him, she has been there for years), his wife having such a hard time with her pregnancy, our son driving him crazy, etc , etc..........and of course not giving me a straight answer about whether he would sign my paper or not....... He still "blames me" for saving a house that he walked away from 5 years ago (he wanted me to lose it so he could tell everyone how unfit I was), etc.

And the sad part is, our son is the same way!! He is 21 years old, and has the exact same A behavior......but doesn't drink...:wtf2

As most of you know, I recently broke up with my ABF. HIS personality is understandable, he is a 3rd stage active A. But this craziness with XHB & son is so confusing!!

How could this personality pass down from generation to generation, with no alcohol use?????

I also have 2 daughters. Neither seems to have "acquired" this craZY behavior. If anything, they aquired a codependant behavior.

Sorry, I'm all over the place with this post, but the recent phone conversation messed me up, and I have so many unanswered questions about how a NON-a can inherit such strong traits of an a.

Seren

I don't know that I can really answer about your XH and son, but I can offer a hug! :ghug

My mother is an adult child of alcoholics, and her personality is DEEPLY, DEEPLY codependent which is where I got that 'charming' skill. This is JMHO, but your son certainly could have learned his behavior as I learned mine. It's also my understanding that most ACoAs become codependent in order to somehow control the chaos around them, to "make everything OK".

Well, sorry, that was not help. I'm sure you'll get a lot more help from others soon!

Hugs and prayers, HG

MissFixit

Like Hydrogirl said, I think people become codependent as a coping mechanism. My mom has emotional issues and my father likely has PTSD from Vietnam. Both have massive moods swings which dramaticly shift from day to day, hour to hour. Growing up was like walking on eggshells around them. To keep them happy you had to appease them and the rules changed often.

I struggle not to take on their characteristics and also to break the codependent behavior I learned as a child.

ICant

I was at my first Al-Anon meeting when my now sponsor introduced herself as the daughter of two adult children of alcoholics. Ding, ding, ding. I had heard the term ACOA before and knew it didn't apply to me because my parents drank very rarely and I had never seen them drunk. But at that point a light dawned on me and I realised that my father was most likely an ACOA. He was volatile, emotionally abusive, controlling, sought validation from anyone. I had hated him for years.

It occured to me that I had become a nervous wreck after living with the antics and dramas caused by my AH for 8 years and I was a fully functioning adult before the relationship. If both my father and my husband had grown up with alcoholic fathers, no wonder they were so messed up. They would have been 1 year old babies living in fear, 2 year old toddlers living in fear etc. all the way until they reached adulthood and could make their own choices. My father probably thought he was breaking the cycle by not drinking and leaving his country of birth to start a new life. My husband didn't see anything wrong in the way he was raised and started his own drinking career.

Not that I knew it but I married my father and I treated my husband with all the bitterness that I had reserved for my father. I too had been affected by my father's anger, while I was growing up. I love it when somebody in Al-Anon gives the family tree of alcoholism because it reinforces the importance of the recovery process to truly break the cycle. The alcoholic and co-dependent behaviours need to change. I couldn't merely remove the drug of choice from my family home and expect everything to work out.

jaguarpcb

Anubus,

We all learn from an early age how to behave and interract with people by first watching our parents. It sounds to me like your son is behaving exactly how he's learned men are supposed to behave (just as your husband learned how to behave by watching his father), and your daughters are behaving exactly how they've learned women are supposed to behave. IMO it would be pretty miraculous for any of them to behave differently given what they've all learned in their formative years.

LaTeeDa

As I've traveled along this journey, there were times I found it helpful to 'put a label on it.' I've used the word codependent to describe myself because it gave me a reference point to work from in identifying certain behaviors I exhibit.

But, the more I learn about myself and others, the less I tend to label people. While convenient, it is very limiting when it comes to understanding.

For example, my XH is an alcoholic, but that is just one aspect of him as a human being. He is also a very creative and talented musician, the youngest of four children, the product of a sexist culture, etc. To put him in a box labeled alcoholic dehumanizes him.

It's the same with me. I am the child of an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. But, I am also the oldest of three children, I suffered the death of my father at age 12, I am the parent of two children, and learned at a very young age that women are less valuable than men. Some of my dysfunctional behaviors as an adult can be directly connected to alcoholism and codependence. Many are the result of other factors. If I define myself as a codependent, it limits my perspective. I have many traits, positive and negative, and a lot of them have nothing to do with codependence.

L

Ago

For me it was as simple as rather then trying to figure "them" out, them being my parents, significant others etc I would try to figure ME out and try to stop the destructive patterns from repeating through time whatever name or label it was

I'm the only one I have power over so the only one worth spending time "working on"

that's just me