help! back in the game
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
help! back in the game
hello everyone-
well, i broke my no contact and i'm back in murky waters. after i went no contact, xABF took to writing very long letters and pushing them through my letter box. this went on for a bit and then he started coming by the house, crying. after days of this, today, i finally let him in to speak to him.
after many tears and what appeared to be genuine remorse, he begged me to help him get dry. in the back of my head, i heard you guys saying "his recovery is his own" but here he was, crying and begging for my help.
so, we made an appointment at the doctor for him and i did some research into rehabs in the area. we determined a path for him to get funding for rehab (doctor, social worker referral, up the road to rehab). i handed him the contact info and encouraged him to follow through with the social worker today. he said he would tomorrow, he was exhausted by his grief today and he was sick after a weekend of heavy drinking. i asked him how much he had drank and he said day and night.
then, later in the day, xABF called and said he was going to take a job for a few days and that he didn't think he had a drinking problem.
it was amazing. as soon as i broke no contact, he said everything he thought was what i wanted to here (rehab, remorse, etc.) and then the moment he felt he had me sucked in again, he went out, had a few drinks and then he turns the table, saying he didn't have a drinking problem, he wasn't going to rehab, etc. etc.
i told him i was going to have to step back again, because i could see he wasn't serious. he said if i won't help him, he will keep drinking. he said he would drink himself sick and surely, someone would come and find him eventually or not. this isn't really an idle threat, because last time i left him, he drank himself into the hospital.
so, it seems that all the tears, the sorry's, the rehab talk was just to get me to get involved again, and it did.
my plan is to step back again. i'm irritated with myself for getting sucked in again. it's hard to watch someone self-destruct. please have patience with me.
help!
well, i broke my no contact and i'm back in murky waters. after i went no contact, xABF took to writing very long letters and pushing them through my letter box. this went on for a bit and then he started coming by the house, crying. after days of this, today, i finally let him in to speak to him.
after many tears and what appeared to be genuine remorse, he begged me to help him get dry. in the back of my head, i heard you guys saying "his recovery is his own" but here he was, crying and begging for my help.
so, we made an appointment at the doctor for him and i did some research into rehabs in the area. we determined a path for him to get funding for rehab (doctor, social worker referral, up the road to rehab). i handed him the contact info and encouraged him to follow through with the social worker today. he said he would tomorrow, he was exhausted by his grief today and he was sick after a weekend of heavy drinking. i asked him how much he had drank and he said day and night.
then, later in the day, xABF called and said he was going to take a job for a few days and that he didn't think he had a drinking problem.
it was amazing. as soon as i broke no contact, he said everything he thought was what i wanted to here (rehab, remorse, etc.) and then the moment he felt he had me sucked in again, he went out, had a few drinks and then he turns the table, saying he didn't have a drinking problem, he wasn't going to rehab, etc. etc.
i told him i was going to have to step back again, because i could see he wasn't serious. he said if i won't help him, he will keep drinking. he said he would drink himself sick and surely, someone would come and find him eventually or not. this isn't really an idle threat, because last time i left him, he drank himself into the hospital.
so, it seems that all the tears, the sorry's, the rehab talk was just to get me to get involved again, and it did.
my plan is to step back again. i'm irritated with myself for getting sucked in again. it's hard to watch someone self-destruct. please have patience with me.
help!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by naive 
he said if i won't help him, he will keep drinking. he said he would drink himself sick and surely, someone would come and find him eventually or not. this isn't really an idle threat, because last time i left him, he drank himself into the hospital.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Naive, oh, I'm so sorry to hear about the COMPLETE UNMITIGATED HOGWASH BS he handed you.
His lies, his life.....quackity quack bizzarro quack....
I hope you will be kind to yourself because so many folks have been sucked back in by their emotions. I also hope you can see it clearly for what it was and keep moving forward and keep taking care of yourself.
So, how is your arm?
Huge hugs, HG
His lies, his life.....quackity quack bizzarro quack....
I hope you will be kind to yourself because so many folks have been sucked back in by their emotions. I also hope you can see it clearly for what it was and keep moving forward and keep taking care of yourself.
So, how is your arm?
Huge hugs, HG
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
From your thread of less than 2 weeks ago:
I honestly can't find anything else to say to you, and feel I can't be of any help at all. I am afraid he is going to eventually kill you, and I have no control over that. You have become so desensitized to his abuse that there is no fear.
It hurts my heart to read your posts anymore because I was once you. I lived that way for 5 long years. Thank God I got out of that situation, and far far far away from him.
I'll continue to keep you in my prayers. That is the best that I can do.
aroung 12pm, xABF comes in and shouts my name. i can feel my heart go into my stomach. he comes in, grabs me, says i'm not staying and physically throws me out of the room, onto the floor in the foyer. i stand up, say i'm not leaving and he proceeds to throw me out of the house, into the cement wall in the stairwell. i grabbed onto the railing, otherwise i would have fallen down the concrete stairs. he pushes me somemore. i struggle. he throws me around like a ragdoll.
in my head, i realize that either i leave with him or the men in the other room are going to come to my defense, and there will be bloodshed. these are all fishermen and a brawl is commonplace. i prayed to god and felt the best thing would be to follow the path of peace, which to me meant leaving this situation. i walked down the stairs and then walked a mile home.
i was in quite a bit of pain but just went to sleep, kindof in shock really. in the morning, i cannot raise my left arm at all. i went to the hospital for an x-ray and its not broken, perhaps dislocated but the doctor said probably a bad sprain that will takes weeks to heal.
so, it's three days later and i still cannot lift my arm at all. i cannot do simple things like put my hair up in a rubberband or hang out my washing or put on a coat without flinching.
in my head, i realize that either i leave with him or the men in the other room are going to come to my defense, and there will be bloodshed. these are all fishermen and a brawl is commonplace. i prayed to god and felt the best thing would be to follow the path of peace, which to me meant leaving this situation. i walked down the stairs and then walked a mile home.
i was in quite a bit of pain but just went to sleep, kindof in shock really. in the morning, i cannot raise my left arm at all. i went to the hospital for an x-ray and its not broken, perhaps dislocated but the doctor said probably a bad sprain that will takes weeks to heal.
so, it's three days later and i still cannot lift my arm at all. i cannot do simple things like put my hair up in a rubberband or hang out my washing or put on a coat without flinching.
It hurts my heart to read your posts anymore because I was once you. I lived that way for 5 long years. Thank God I got out of that situation, and far far far away from him.
I'll continue to keep you in my prayers. That is the best that I can do.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Trying2survive
Don't beat yourself up — we've all fallen for the promises. We get stronger as we go!
He takes care of that for her
We are frightened for her life
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i had a glimmer of hope there, as he has never ever spoken about going to rehab before.
i don't think he has hit his bottom yet.
i'm going to explain myself one last time to him and then go no contact again. he has all the information he needs now to get into the local rehab.
ltd, i know you are right.
hydrogirl, my arm is not healing. the doctor says its a stretched shoulder and could take weeks, months to heal. it's really setting me back, i'm unable to work the shore, ride my bike, do yoga....
i don't think he has hit his bottom yet.
i'm going to explain myself one last time to him and then go no contact again. he has all the information he needs now to get into the local rehab.
ltd, i know you are right.
hydrogirl, my arm is not healing. the doctor says its a stretched shoulder and could take weeks, months to heal. it's really setting me back, i'm unable to work the shore, ride my bike, do yoga....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
i had a glimmer of hope there
My hope fantasies have gotten me onto oodles of trouble too. But as we have all seen this is no game - it's YOUR life at stake here, your health, not his recovery!! When he wants it badly enough, when alcohol has brought him completely to his knees he knows where to go and it isn't your house.
What i hope not to read about here is the day he brings you to your knees...will you even be able to stand up again?
good luck--
b
My hope fantasies have gotten me onto oodles of trouble too. But as we have all seen this is no game - it's YOUR life at stake here, your health, not his recovery!! When he wants it badly enough, when alcohol has brought him completely to his knees he knows where to go and it isn't your house.
What i hope not to read about here is the day he brings you to your knees...will you even be able to stand up again?
good luck--
b
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Dear naive:
If active AHs got involved in the arts, we've had the most talented ACTORS the world has ever seen. Al Pacino & Robert de Niro would pale in envy.
i'm going to explain myself one last time to him
Why? isn't it clear enough? how do you know this "last time" he won't have a gun and finish all this? or harm you again, this time with permanent consequences? please if you plan to see him again, at least make it a public place...
All of what is said here is not just quacking to make each other feel better... it is the truth, proved day by day story after story...
I don't think he has hit his bottom yet.
Nor do you
It's hard to watch someone self-destruct.
It is very hard, especially when you are on the other side of the Atlantic and can do nothing to protect her.
Hugs naive, I hope your arm heals soon...
PS Perhaps you can consult a yoga instructor for special postures for you? balancing stand up poses, breathing, easy neck movements... remember tree pose and corpse pose, I would think those are still possible... but of course consult someone who knows... (I read corpse pose is the most important pose, so don't underestimate it!)
PPS Coincidentally I am about to spend 2 hours doing yoga, too bad a VIOLENT AH prevents you from enjoying this today
If active AHs got involved in the arts, we've had the most talented ACTORS the world has ever seen. Al Pacino & Robert de Niro would pale in envy.
i'm going to explain myself one last time to him
Why? isn't it clear enough? how do you know this "last time" he won't have a gun and finish all this? or harm you again, this time with permanent consequences? please if you plan to see him again, at least make it a public place...
All of what is said here is not just quacking to make each other feel better... it is the truth, proved day by day story after story...
I don't think he has hit his bottom yet.
Nor do you
It's hard to watch someone self-destruct.
It is very hard, especially when you are on the other side of the Atlantic and can do nothing to protect her.
Hugs naive, I hope your arm heals soon...
PS Perhaps you can consult a yoga instructor for special postures for you? balancing stand up poses, breathing, easy neck movements... remember tree pose and corpse pose, I would think those are still possible... but of course consult someone who knows... (I read corpse pose is the most important pose, so don't underestimate it!)
PPS Coincidentally I am about to spend 2 hours doing yoga, too bad a VIOLENT AH prevents you from enjoying this today
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i really feel for the mothers of alcoholics, because this ride is so very difficult. i know you all think i'm not moving fast enough to save myself but it's not the easiest trip in the world to watch someone self-destruct and standby and do nothing.
it's like a horrible play i'm watching..
i'm going no contact again. he can go to rehab or he can just keep drinking. this disease is bigger than me.
it's like a horrible play i'm watching..
i'm going no contact again. he can go to rehab or he can just keep drinking. this disease is bigger than me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
takingcharge-
thanks for the yoga tips. i really do miss it, as it centers me. and i could use some centering just about now.
i don't really know how to fix myself. once a week with a therapist isn't enough and my doctor keeps wanting to give me antidepressants, which i have refused.
there's an AA meeting tomorrow night. i was wondering if that would be helpful to attend? i do wish there was alanon here...
thanks for the yoga tips. i really do miss it, as it centers me. and i could use some centering just about now.
i don't really know how to fix myself. once a week with a therapist isn't enough and my doctor keeps wanting to give me antidepressants, which i have refused.
there's an AA meeting tomorrow night. i was wondering if that would be helpful to attend? i do wish there was alanon here...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You are not his mother, and you don't have to watch. It's not your job to save him. Your job is to live the most beautiful life you possibly can. It's not to be taken lightly.......
L
L
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by naive
i really feel for the mothers of alcoholics, because this ride is so very difficult. i know you all think i'm not moving fast enough to save myself but it's not the easiest trip in the world to watch someone self-destruct and standby and do nothing.
it's like a horrible play i'm watching..
i'm going no contact again. he can go to rehab or he can just keep drinking. this disease is bigger than me.
it's like a horrible play i'm watching..
i'm going no contact again. he can go to rehab or he can just keep drinking. this disease is bigger than me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi barbara-
no, this is not how i want to spend my life. it was nice and peaceful here for awhile...now, it's all crazy again...
but, there is one difference. as soon as he turned the tables, i realized it for the manipulation it was. before, i would have argued or continued to talk it through.
really, he hasn't done one thing towards recovery, except for consider it. it's all talk, no action. actually, all he has done is drink more heavily...
no, this is not how i want to spend my life. it was nice and peaceful here for awhile...now, it's all crazy again...
but, there is one difference. as soon as he turned the tables, i realized it for the manipulation it was. before, i would have argued or continued to talk it through.
really, he hasn't done one thing towards recovery, except for consider it. it's all talk, no action. actually, all he has done is drink more heavily...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
there's an AA meeting tomorrow night. i was wondering if that would be helpful to attend? i do wish there was alanon here...
what was ultimately helpful to me is WHATEVER it took for me to change. To stop doing the same things that had been getting me hurt over and over again...some days I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth not to repeat my old behavior - one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
So an AA meeting? Where some people you don't normally hang out with are working on recovery -- sure why not!! Hey, maybe YOU can start the local AlAnon meeting? Don't doubt there are other folks in various sizes of your shoes......
Where there's a will there's a way!!!!
good luck naive-
b
what was ultimately helpful to me is WHATEVER it took for me to change. To stop doing the same things that had been getting me hurt over and over again...some days I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth not to repeat my old behavior - one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
So an AA meeting? Where some people you don't normally hang out with are working on recovery -- sure why not!! Hey, maybe YOU can start the local AlAnon meeting? Don't doubt there are other folks in various sizes of your shoes......
Where there's a will there's a way!!!!
good luck naive-
b
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