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My partners verbal & physical violence when drinking!! But i want her :(

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My partners verbal & physical violence when drinking!! But i want her :(

Old 06-22-2009, 08:57 AM
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My partners verbal & physical violence when drinking!! But i want her :(

Hi
Both i & my partner like to go to party's, bars & have a few drinks at weekends, but me, when i drink a tad too much, am quiet & relaxed & can keep my faculties unless i fall over & want to go to bed!

My partner, after a certain few, something happens. She goes crazy, like sees the red mist, gets extremely loud & looks for an argument, picking at the most stupid things imaginable or about things that have happened in the past! Ranging from why i did this or that years ago, why i like or don't like certain music etc! Stupid!
Sometimes, in fact most times, she physically attacks me out of the blue, hits me, scratches me etc & normally its when i've tried to calm it down & have ended up getting my shoes & leaving.
This is normally after a good night out & we've gone back to hers.
Often when i've leaft, she's pleaded with me to go back to her saying how much of a bitch she is & hates herself, often comes looking for me & waiting outside my place, & yet it happens time after time, no matter how often she apologizes.

We've talked about it & she refuses to cut down as it affects us. The times we've planned things at weekend & its been ruined by late night rowing & leaving is unbelievable.
I would gladly quit totally or even just have a few drinks & go home early, just to save what normally is good! It's just drink.
I've even thought about relationship counselling, but i know how she would react to that idea!

Its not just me, lots of her friends say the same. She's said nasty things to people, offended people & nearly got punched at a recent party!
The other night we had a lovely night, but then i could see that extra few drinks spilled over the top & when we got in she attacked me for no reason, physically, because i'd took all the jibes & digs i could so i decided to leave & when i was putting my shoes on & she was attacking me, i pushed her off me & she slipped & broke her wrist! (i wouldn't harm a fly, it was an accident, i was trying to get her off me) & told me to f*#k off & it was the end etc!
I went home & next day after her xray, she was saying that we can't go on arguing ( i try to stop it) & that its her fault etc & needs time alone.
I feel no guilt apart from i hurt her arm which was an accident defending myself, not the purposeful attacks caused by drink.

I'm annoyed that she won't attempt to reduce or stop if it happens like this & wonder how her past relationships were!!
The rest of the time is good, although has been a bit distant of late!!
It makes me anxious & i don't know what to do as i have feelings for her & like our good times, but the bad ones shadow the good!! I care lots & just wish she would attempt to try!
Its very upsetting, because i know it could be good!!

Thanks for letting me rant

wf
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Old 06-22-2009, 09:10 AM
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Well, she's right about one thing. The two of you can't go on the way things are now. Unfortunately, if she refuses to stop drinking, there's not much you can do for her. The physical violence alone would be reason enough for me to walk away for good. No one has a right to lay hands on another person in anger EVER!!

I'm sorry you are dealing this this madness and yes, it does sound like madness. It sounds like you are the one who is going to have to make the decision of staying or leaving. I hope you make the choice that is healthy.
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Old 06-22-2009, 09:51 AM
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Hi waterface! Glad you reached out for help. SR is a great place...

Well, the same happened to me, only it was my now ex BF who started picking fights, calling names and all that hell you know so well.

I too enjoyed drinking socially and wondered why he could not be like ME, perhaps getting drunk but doing it safely, not driving, with friends around and certainly not abusing anybody around me regardless of my state.

I am one of those that think with alcohol there are no inhibitions and what you saw of her is who she truly is, just not covered up.

I too was dumbfounded as he could start making me cry out of the blue, then cry his heart out apologizing just to repeat the same next weekend.

It was horrible to see how I was getting hurt as a direct result of his words and actions yet he would be drinking next time as if nothing ever happened.

I left. The day I left, heartbroken, he was already getting ready to get more drinks. Two weeks later he had a new enabler, a girl that drinks more than he does and would not mind bringing her to the office, parading her, talking about her with others when I am next to them and can hear everything. Wow. And I thought I "knew" him! This new person has nothing to do with the boyfriend I had. Or he was busy covering up his problem to suck me in, provide sex, buy his Jack Daniels bottle and drive him home. I tend to believe the lattest.

Alcoholics use people. And if they do not get whatever they want from you, sex, drama, someone to abuse, punch, etc. they won't blink an eye and get someone who plays that role.

Last time we talked he said he was the same drunkard and that he was planning to drink until the very last day of his life. Not an ounce of remorse or hurt. It seems I had became an obstacle.

I learned the hard way he is an alcoholic or is on his early career to becoming one.

It is not that I was second to the drink. For him it is only the drink. Whoever agrees, supports, pulls him to drink, will be on his life. The others will leave or be kicked out as "boring" "bitter" you name it...

I hope you seek support if you need / individual counseling, books & Al Anon.

I am sorry you are going through this!! But imagine if you had married her, or had kids or ran into financial problems... truly its better to know them first, when you still have a chance to make better partner decisions.

All the best!

Last edited by TakingCharge999; 06-22-2009 at 10:19 AM.
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Old 06-22-2009, 10:16 AM
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I suggest we go together, waterface, enjoy our nights as we are supposed to, and introduce them to each other so they can compete on who abuses more and gets to punch first.

((hugs))
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Old 06-22-2009, 10:25 AM
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My partners verbal & physical violence when drinking!! But i want her
I'm another that has lived with physical/verbal abuse from a mean drunk. It was so long ago, it almost seems like another world. I can't change the past or my actions.....but I have finally forgiven myself for staying as long as I did and have let go of a lot of the regret I carried because I stayed as long as I did.

So let me just say this, and it comes from the heart, there is sooooo much more out there for you - whether you are single or in a relationship. Relationships/love do not have to be like this.
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Old 06-22-2009, 11:38 AM
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I thank you all.
I have shared great times with this girl, lovely walks, great intimacy, the usual things couples do & maybe i'm looking & acting like i'm blind & i have been told i look at the good in all people, which in this case isn't a good thing as i know lots of my friends wouldn't put up with it!

I don't defend what she does, i just wish she would do something about it & see what its doing each weekend! Thats why i now hear that she wants to be alone a while, as maybe she's embarrased & also on social interaction websites she's saying she fell over shoes!!!

I probably drink as much if not more than her, but i can handle it! Her persona changes after a glass of wine!! In fact she calls me an alcoholic as i drink after work & weekends, she just before bed, but its what happens after!! jekyll & hyde!
She drinks a glass of wine a night, thats all, until weekend parties & when not have to get up!! We've had great nights out with alcohol, & sometimes we haven't been like this, or she hasn't, just something triggers it & argumentativeness arises.

She picks on me, disagrees with all i say, everything is wrong i do & i just say 'why are you like this', how can someone change so much when high on drink. How they can not just step back & think what they are doing god damn, she's got a good job, money, brains i thought & yet this!!

I feel terrible for hurting her arm by getting her off me, but feel i'm being made to pay by her words & actions.
I see a counsellor, but i want her to come too to relate!!, to work on it, but if i even mentioned alcoholism or counseling, an argument would start!

I am feeling my ears burn now as to how 'I' abused my partner with physical violence!!, the looks i would get!!.
I don't want to cause more rows & yet don't want to be seen as a villain!!
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Old 06-22-2009, 06:20 PM
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Whether she is an alcoholic or not, the way she behaves because of her alcohol consumptions is a problem for you. No further look is necessary. Now, she basically says too bad, I'm not changing. Now you get to decide, can you live with this? Is this what you want in a relationship? Do you want an abusive alcoholic as yourt partner? Is this what you dream of having when you think of the woman you want to spend your life with? If it is, well you've got it. If not, then you get to decide what you are willing to do. What you have to remember is that you cannot change her only yourself.
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Old 06-23-2009, 02:38 AM
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For sure the wrist was unintentional but you can bet your bottom dollar an alcoholic will useit, bend it, twist and contort it any way possible to use it as a manipulative tool, etc etc.

Normal people simply don't do stuff like this.
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Old 06-23-2009, 04:06 AM
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As an alcoholic from an alcoholic background with two alcoholic parents, three active alcoholic brothers, two alcoholic grandparents, and four alcoholic nieces....
you can't do anything to make her see the light. An alcoholic has to come to conclusions themself. Telling her she is an alcoholic won't help much. She has to see the woman in the mirror.
Your big question is do you want to be a codie in this relationship?
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Old 06-23-2009, 05:54 AM
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By you accepting the violence time and time again, accepting her apologies, what is she learning?
She's learning you will forgive her time and time again.

She has no consequences to her behaviour so what reason does she have to change it?
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Old 06-23-2009, 06:59 AM
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Barbara your right, i know though that i have an anxiety issue which makes me a little insecure & over analytical which has pist her off a few times & i hate that about myself, but i've had it all my life.

I have received a message from her saying that she no longer wants to be in the relationship!
that its taken a broken arm caused by drink & that she needs to turn her life around & concentrate on other things. She says '28 & a broken arm through alcohol', i mean i'm pretty miffed that she says this now, why the hell couldn't she have thought this & attempted this (if possible) whilst still with me & yet i didn't have the balls to say the same thing 1st!

If she'd have even attempted to change her ways whilst with me, it would've reduced my anxiety & we may have been able to start a healthier relationship!
Annoyed isn't the word!!

wf heartbroken cos of what maybe could've been
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