Old 06-22-2009, 09:30 AM
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It has been a very rocky road between AH and myself lately. He hasn't been working very much, which means he is home with me.....he has not drank in 6 days - no rehab or program, just stopped. I am glad he did...I think. However, we have a new problem. Everyday he calls me names and yells at me.....mainly because I want to talk about what has happened to tryr to heal, but he refuses to talk or listen to me. He says I am just blaming him...he says he wants to move forward and that I refuse to do that. He called me little while ago and asked me if I was PO'd. I said no, I was just trying to understand what is going on. Yesterday was bad if you read my previous post, and then last night he pretty much said we were done, we were through and there was nothing left...that was last I really talked to him. So today, I am supposed to forget everything that happened yesterday and in teh past...and move forward....and be happy according to him.....I think this is such an unrealistic idea. It has been a really rough 6 months, and while I know he is trying to stop drinking, there is SO much we need to work through. He refuses to talk about any of it. Before hanging up he told me I am broken and that I live in the past, and that he thought I was working toward something. The truth is I am working on something - me, and understand what is happening. I am not ready to be the loving caring wife he thinks I should be right now. I am contemplating what life is and what has happened, and what affect it has had on my children. I want to heal us...but not talking about it doesn't work and when the same thing happens everyday - you just don't forget. I think maybe what he is trying to do is make me do what I used to do, which is chase him....beg him not to leave, beg him to be nice, beg him be more, beg him not to hang up on me - I can't be that anymore. He has to do whatever it is he needs to, and I have to do what I need to to understand what has been happening in our world. I feel a strong sense of beginning to find myself again, but I feel like he wants to pull me back in. He wants me to give in to everything he wants, the responses he wants me to have.......I have always given everything - called him all the time at work, taken care of everything at home......I need more now. I need him to be a part of this marriage, I don't want to be a caretaker anymore! I could go on forever, for me these posts heal me. I can see in black and white that I am NOT crazy, or broken....but healing me for my children's sake.
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