Startingover2

This detaching business is hard. I am realizing that its a 24/7 effort! You may feel good for awhile. Detaching from the madness. Detaching from the manipulation. Detaching from the lies. I get to a place where I can actually lift my shoulders up a bit as some of the weight of depression has been lifted. Not all the way up, but some. I feel relieved that I am being more proactive rather than reactive. I can actually see some sun rather than dark clouds.

Then....something happens. It may be something small but it triggers old feelings and I can't catch the destructive rollercoaster fast enough. I try and talk myself out of spinning out of control with my thoughts but I generally fail and I am right back where I started.

This past week I have been working so hard on NC except for baby and not buying in to his crap. I have been having a backbone when he gets angry that things are not on his schedule and not his way. I have stuck to our schedule per our agreement for seeing baby and he has gotten very angry. I stood my ground and it felt good. Sad for baby as she only saw him once for 20 minutes and that was Father's Day. He didn't stay long.

I knew he was seeing a married woman. Been sneaking around for a few months now. I heard from a neighbor of this married woman that her husband said that she is leaving him for my exah. They are getting a divorce. I felt that sudden pang of anger, loathing, disgust, sadness and pain.

Later he asked via text if we could take baby to the zoo this next weekend and spend some time together. I asked if he wanted to go as a family and he said yes. I weakened and said "do you want to invite your married gf along with her husband and kids too?" I know..I shouldn't have said it. I said "I really hope that its not true. If it is that is pretty f'd up. I am sure her husband, children and your own children would think so too." I never heard from him again.

As much as I hate him and what he is doing I hate myself more for weakening. I was on such a roll mentally. I hate that he is this destructive person and is building this new life without me and without baby. I know its a life of lies but I feel so alone and so stuck. Hes the jerk with all the problems and I think I am an ok person but yet have no social life and there isn't one person lined up at my door to date me. How in the heck does he get all of these women?

Going to start all over again today.

FreeBird09

It is hard to not react when the person you 'love' wants their cake and eat it too. The good thing about the next day is, it is a new day and a new uncovering of emotions and the ability to 'let go' a little more. He gets all these women because is level of morals are lower then yours. It will be ok.

LaTeeDa

As long as you base your worth on how many people are lined up to date you, you will be unhappy. What if you had 20 men courting you and they were all alcoholics? Would you feel better? Why do you want to compare yourself to him?

If you want a social life, then you have to go out and get one. If you spend time doing the things you enjoy, you will meet people who have the same interests. Then maybe you could stop thinking about him all the time and start enjoying life.

L

benham

That day didn't work out the way you wanted it to? Oh well.

Guess what though? You can choose to have a good day today! I know that if I had a good day everyday, that something's wrong and I need to dig deeper in my soul to find out what. One thing I've learned as a codie is that emotions are OKAY. It's okay to have them! Now, what are you going to do about them? I examine what I do both good and bad as if I'm studying someone else. Just the facts. If it was a good action, I figure out why. If it was a bad action, I also figure out why. When you ask "Why?" enough times you eventually strip out the things that you want to say to make it better, and get down to the real reason.

Keep progressing! If you continue to recover I promise things get better!

Still Waters

Hey, I do just fine until any communication from my AH - then I spend the next hour in the bathroom throwing up. How pathetic is that??

We just have to keep on keeping on, it's all we can do.

TakingCharge999

Hi Startingover!

I am sorry for the emotional

Many times it sucks, you think you are "ok" and then BAM yet another piece of news, or comment or action...

Remember these are vulnerable times for you so just try to be patient with yourself, this is no easy feat. dettaching from an AH, especially when you got news on his new life (can you tell everybody not to inform about him anymore, or can you stop talking to anyone who knows him for a while? for me it was the best thing and allowed time to meet new people)

Time to think about all the stuff you enjoy but have not given yourself! Start doing great things for YOU and you only... start trusting HP... start feeling an emotion and not battling it... just saying it "I feel _______, I will release it this way ________, and its OK"


Today I totally let him get to me again for the 359721591735567th time, he was laughing really hard with his friends and I was working (normally I would just turn on the volume of my Metallica CD and forget his existence), I felt so frustrated that to me he has been skating while I have had the worse time ever these months..

Then I decided to write him what I felt
Planning to burn the paper tonight and to do some exercise to get the anger out

So now that I am actually doing something in regards to those feelings I feel better

Also, a tip I read from a Melody Beattie book:

MAke a list of all the "losses" you have gone through lately... your partner.. serenity.. stability... all the fantasies you had...

Then make a list of all your GAINS. What have you gained? How were you taken care of all this time? How were your needs met?

Sometimes we focus on the bad only and think they have it all sorted out, and cease to see the wonders and blessings we DO have...

Good luck ((startingover)) you are not the only one starting over!