Trying SO very hard to understand
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Trying SO very hard to understand
I am so glad I found this website...because I am reading everything I can find, just trying to figure out this circus my life has become.
It has been a tough night, he constantly makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, I am not supporting him, I am not doing anything for him except complaining - whether he drinks or not - nothing changes. I ask him to give me a concrete example of how to support him, what he wants me to do, or what I have done to make him feel like that....he can't really tell me. He says he wants me to be loving.....I am SO hurt by the things he has said, and done that I don't have that in me right now. I try to make him understand the pain he has caused me through his actions - but all he says back is....quit living in the past....get over it. He has decided somewhere in his mind that since I am not as loving...I must be cheating. As if......first of all I want a relationship at all right now and second I have children to take care of....and 3rd I would NEVER do that. Whenever he gets mad he calls me names and puts me down. Honestly.....why am I here. I have 4 SONS.......would I allow them to behave in any of these ways....not on my life...so what am I teaching them??? I am scared of single life, I've been a single parent before - different issues, but it is hard. I don't know what I am hoping for......We have a daughter together and he admitted that if anyone ever talked to his daughter the way he talked to me....that that would be the end of them. SO...why am I different? I am so sad, and I feel I should have seen this. I left once when we were dating for the same reasons, I remember how much more at peace my life became. He of course, quit drinking and became a new person - loving and caring....that lasted til maybe after the wedding day. Anyway, I am rambling...sorry....the insanity of his actions have me doubting my own behavior, and what I have done wrong. I know I am not perfect and we have other issues in our marriage, but EVERYTHING is clouded by what has happened with alcohol and his behavior. Any thoughts would be helpful and appreciated. Going to go to Alanon next week for the first time - this week I have an obligation. I am nervous about going, but am hanging by a thread!
It has been a tough night, he constantly makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, I am not supporting him, I am not doing anything for him except complaining - whether he drinks or not - nothing changes. I ask him to give me a concrete example of how to support him, what he wants me to do, or what I have done to make him feel like that....he can't really tell me. He says he wants me to be loving.....I am SO hurt by the things he has said, and done that I don't have that in me right now. I try to make him understand the pain he has caused me through his actions - but all he says back is....quit living in the past....get over it. He has decided somewhere in his mind that since I am not as loving...I must be cheating. As if......first of all I want a relationship at all right now and second I have children to take care of....and 3rd I would NEVER do that. Whenever he gets mad he calls me names and puts me down. Honestly.....why am I here. I have 4 SONS.......would I allow them to behave in any of these ways....not on my life...so what am I teaching them??? I am scared of single life, I've been a single parent before - different issues, but it is hard. I don't know what I am hoping for......We have a daughter together and he admitted that if anyone ever talked to his daughter the way he talked to me....that that would be the end of them. SO...why am I different? I am so sad, and I feel I should have seen this. I left once when we were dating for the same reasons, I remember how much more at peace my life became. He of course, quit drinking and became a new person - loving and caring....that lasted til maybe after the wedding day. Anyway, I am rambling...sorry....the insanity of his actions have me doubting my own behavior, and what I have done wrong. I know I am not perfect and we have other issues in our marriage, but EVERYTHING is clouded by what has happened with alcohol and his behavior. Any thoughts would be helpful and appreciated. Going to go to Alanon next week for the first time - this week I have an obligation. I am nervous about going, but am hanging by a thread!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
He's quacking quacking quacking. Anything to take the focus OFF of him, and put it ONTO you.
The more you second guess yourself, the less you'll bug him about his drinking.
Can you concentrate on you? Maybe take a nice warm bath?
The more you second guess yourself, the less you'll bug him about his drinking.
Can you concentrate on you? Maybe take a nice warm bath?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Attacking the attacker....
I have really begun to see how the addict tries to divert the focus off of the themselves and onto anyone else.
My AGF was and is the master of this. I am sick. I am a loser. I am dysfunctional. I am dangerous. I am a bad father. I am an a**hole. And so and on.
My therapist used a great phrase with me. I was told to "do a reality check."
When I do a reality check, this is what I find.
I am raising the kids, every day. She is not
I am the one who has a job. She hasn't held a steady job in 18 months.
I am the one who has insurance. She does not.
I am the one gets up every day and gets the kids to school. She does not
I am the one who does the grocery shopping.
I am the one the kids turn to when they are hurting.
But... I am the one who needs help. "Reality Check Please!"
Her whole game is to make me doubt myself. And to make me defend myself. Because if I am defending myself, she doesn't have to deal with herself.
Am I perfect. No way. Do I need to tend to my side of the street? For sure. Can I be a better person. Yes.
But all of her accusations are just noise, meant to distract.
My AGF was and is the master of this. I am sick. I am a loser. I am dysfunctional. I am dangerous. I am a bad father. I am an a**hole. And so and on.
My therapist used a great phrase with me. I was told to "do a reality check."
When I do a reality check, this is what I find.
I am raising the kids, every day. She is not
I am the one who has a job. She hasn't held a steady job in 18 months.
I am the one who has insurance. She does not.
I am the one gets up every day and gets the kids to school. She does not
I am the one who does the grocery shopping.
I am the one the kids turn to when they are hurting.
But... I am the one who needs help. "Reality Check Please!"
Her whole game is to make me doubt myself. And to make me defend myself. Because if I am defending myself, she doesn't have to deal with herself.
Am I perfect. No way. Do I need to tend to my side of the street? For sure. Can I be a better person. Yes.
But all of her accusations are just noise, meant to distract.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I agree. He is deflecting the real issues. He's been awful. It's true. Simply retched. He tells you that you're living in the past because he doesn't want to acknowledge what he's done to get you to this point.
Your living with the wounds of the past. If I lose my arm I have to learn to live without it. I'm not living in the past, I'm living in the present with the all too apparent after effect.
Your after effect may not be so visually apparent as the loss of a limb, but it's there. He doesn't want to talk about it because fault for it lies with him.
Just my thought.
Alice
Your living with the wounds of the past. If I lose my arm I have to learn to live without it. I'm not living in the past, I'm living in the present with the all too apparent after effect.
Your after effect may not be so visually apparent as the loss of a limb, but it's there. He doesn't want to talk about it because fault for it lies with him.
Just my thought.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
It is all so confusing. I call it the "alcoholic merry-go-round" — as one just can't seem to focus on the world spinning around it. Nor is it easy to know "should I jump now, or wait?"
Jump I did. And it took a while for the world to stop spinning and get my balance back, but it did.
I guess the big question you should be asking is: Is this what you want for your children? Now, I know first hand just how much "minimizing" we can do in our hearts. I know just how much I did, and how desperately I tried to make it all ok, fix everything, and have a normal family. Nothing I did could stop the insanity.
So... what we need to do is concentrate on ourself, and those little ones who look to us for direction and protection. Some people can accomplish this even if they stay in the relationship, go about their lives as best as they can. Some can't.
Alanon will help you find your way.
Jump I did. And it took a while for the world to stop spinning and get my balance back, but it did.
I guess the big question you should be asking is: Is this what you want for your children? Now, I know first hand just how much "minimizing" we can do in our hearts. I know just how much I did, and how desperately I tried to make it all ok, fix everything, and have a normal family. Nothing I did could stop the insanity.
So... what we need to do is concentrate on ourself, and those little ones who look to us for direction and protection. Some people can accomplish this even if they stay in the relationship, go about their lives as best as they can. Some can't.
Alanon will help you find your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Trying so very hard to make my family into what I wanted it to be nearly killed me. I held onto the fantasy for years. I thought to myself, why can't he he do what he is 'supposed' to do? Why can't he just see what normal families do? Why can't he just be the kind of father his kids need?
It was really hard, but I finally came to live in reality. To accept that he was not going to do the 'right thing,' as defined be me. He was going to do what he was going to do. I had no control over it. That's when I started doing the 'right thing' for me and my kids. That's when I stopped depending on him to wise up. That's when I wised up.
L
It was really hard, but I finally came to live in reality. To accept that he was not going to do the 'right thing,' as defined be me. He was going to do what he was going to do. I had no control over it. That's when I started doing the 'right thing' for me and my kids. That's when I stopped depending on him to wise up. That's when I wised up.
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
He is simply doing what A's do - blaming it on anyone but themselves.
This is NOT your fault. I tried many times to explain the effect my XABF's drinking had on me and our relationship and to this day (I moved out 2 months ago) he just doesn't get it. He will not face it. He thinks because he is trying to get it together that I should just forgive and forget.
We had a few more go rounds this weekend (he's trying to convince me to come back for a visit) and I firmly reiterated that we had an agreement to work on ourselves and see where we stood in 6 months. It seemed the conversations just kept coming back to him and what he wanted and then the temper tantrums started when he wasn't getting what he wanted. Nothing has changed except my address apparently
Mine too always called me names, put me down and was verbally vicious. I have put boundaries in place where if anything other than a pleasant conversation (ie. yelling, whining, etc) begins I terminate the call. I will only talk to him if we are being nice to each other.
Please keep focusing on yourself. Keep yourself and your kids as your first priority. As painful as it is you have to learn to detach from the drama and find peace. I never thought it was possible living directly with the XABF but I found that the more I forced myself not to be involved in the drama the better I felt.
This is NOT your fault. I tried many times to explain the effect my XABF's drinking had on me and our relationship and to this day (I moved out 2 months ago) he just doesn't get it. He will not face it. He thinks because he is trying to get it together that I should just forgive and forget.
We had a few more go rounds this weekend (he's trying to convince me to come back for a visit) and I firmly reiterated that we had an agreement to work on ourselves and see where we stood in 6 months. It seemed the conversations just kept coming back to him and what he wanted and then the temper tantrums started when he wasn't getting what he wanted. Nothing has changed except my address apparently
Mine too always called me names, put me down and was verbally vicious. I have put boundaries in place where if anything other than a pleasant conversation (ie. yelling, whining, etc) begins I terminate the call. I will only talk to him if we are being nice to each other.
Please keep focusing on yourself. Keep yourself and your kids as your first priority. As painful as it is you have to learn to detach from the drama and find peace. I never thought it was possible living directly with the XABF but I found that the more I forced myself not to be involved in the drama the better I felt.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
He tells you that you're living in the past because he doesn't want to acknowledge what he's done to get you to this point.
That is so right... another typical manipulation ploy. That one is so classic...
Of course, if you did something that hurt them, the whole thing is bashed over and over and over and you are "the bad one" and "has always been like that" etc. etc. quack quack.
If I still think I am going crazy after 8 months post Alcoholic, I sure would be locked at this point if I had stayed. With alcoholism there is no logic or fairness and you can struggle all you want - you will NEVER EVER "win".
Good for you for seeking help I know there are others that have gone through the same hell and now are at peace with the past and live fulfilled lives, so I know its possible! for you and me.
That is so right... another typical manipulation ploy. That one is so classic...
Of course, if you did something that hurt them, the whole thing is bashed over and over and over and you are "the bad one" and "has always been like that" etc. etc. quack quack.
If I still think I am going crazy after 8 months post Alcoholic, I sure would be locked at this point if I had stayed. With alcoholism there is no logic or fairness and you can struggle all you want - you will NEVER EVER "win".
Good for you for seeking help
I know there are others that have gone through the same hell and now are at peace with the past and live fulfilled lives, so I know its possible! for you and me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by mentallyexh 
Any thoughts would be helpful and appreciated. Going to go to Alanon next week for the first time - this week I have an obligation. I am nervous about going, but am hanging by a thread!
My therapist suggested I go and because my life was such a mess I tried it. Heck, I would have stood on my head for 10 minutes a day while whistling dixie if I thought it would have helped at that point.
Is is a miracle "cure", no. Do I come away from every meeting with a little something I can use for myself, yes. Sometimes that kernel of wisdom is as small as knowing that I don't want to end up like the person seated next me.
I spent the first bunch of meetings not really getting it. Try different meetings if the first one doesn't seem to fit.
Hang in there.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My therapist listened to me rant one day.. and she said these words ought to leave my vocabulary
- never
- always
- all men
- all alcoholics
- all people
When I was able to articulate the chain of events that hurt me, the one person that hurt me, the one set of comments that hurt me and who they were coming from.. I was able to put it all in perspective.
I now choose the "rainbow" or shades of gray - my black/white view made me suffer greatly.
PS I even bought my pair of fashionable PINK glasses. I see things pink now, even if I don't want to
- never
- always
- all men
- all alcoholics
- all people
When I was able to articulate the chain of events that hurt me, the one person that hurt me, the one set of comments that hurt me and who they were coming from.. I was able to put it all in perspective.
I now choose the "rainbow" or shades of gray - my black/white view made me suffer greatly.
PS I even bought my pair of fashionable PINK glasses. I see things pink now, even if I don't want to
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
My therapist listened to me rant one day.. and she said these words ought to leave my vocabulary
- never
- always
- all men
- all alcoholics
- all people
When I was able to articulate the chain of events that hurt me, the one person that hurt me, the one set of comments that hurt me and who they were coming from.. I was able to put it all in perspective.
I now choose the "rainbow" or shades of gray - my black/white view made me suffer greatly.
PS I even bought my pair of fashionable PINK glasses. I see things pink now, even if I don't want to
- never
- always
- all men
- all alcoholics
- all people
When I was able to articulate the chain of events that hurt me, the one person that hurt me, the one set of comments that hurt me and who they were coming from.. I was able to put it all in perspective.
I now choose the "rainbow" or shades of gray - my black/white view made me suffer greatly.
PS I even bought my pair of fashionable PINK glasses. I see things pink now, even if I don't want to
Thanks
I might add the word "typical" as well, it being kind of a blanket statement as well, I will keep that list in mind, thank you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I'm scared of single life, I've been a single parent before - different issues, but it is hard.
It is hard mentallyexh-- but not impossible! A little plan and baby steps in the right direction will take you a long way! The journey begins in your mind - allow yourself the possibility that being single again might actually be wonderful, and peaceful, and allow you to present a picture of strength and self-caring to your sons and daughter!
We have a daughter together and he admitted that if anyone ever talked to his daughter the way he talked to me....that that would be the end of them. SO...why am I different?
He's an alcoholic mentallyexh, don't try to see any rationality or reasoning in why he does what he does, or why he says one thing and does another. It's just what addicts do. The regular rules don't apply so if you keep trying to understand him you will make yourself crazy! Spend that energy understanding you and figuring out what you want your life to look like. And when he says stuff like that just picture a duck quacking! He actually cannot predict how he'll eventually speak to his daughter as she grows up if he continues drinking.
Good luck at your AlAnon meeting - I found a lots of great tools there for helping me get the focus off the alkies and onto me !!
peace,
b
It is hard mentallyexh-- but not impossible! A little plan and baby steps in the right direction will take you a long way! The journey begins in your mind - allow yourself the possibility that being single again might actually be wonderful, and peaceful, and allow you to present a picture of strength and self-caring to your sons and daughter!
We have a daughter together and he admitted that if anyone ever talked to his daughter the way he talked to me....that that would be the end of them. SO...why am I different?
He's an alcoholic mentallyexh, don't try to see any rationality or reasoning in why he does what he does, or why he says one thing and does another. It's just what addicts do. The regular rules don't apply so if you keep trying to understand him you will make yourself crazy! Spend that energy understanding you and figuring out what you want your life to look like. And when he says stuff like that just picture a duck quacking! He actually cannot predict how he'll eventually speak to his daughter as she grows up if he continues drinking.
Good luck at your AlAnon meeting - I found a lots of great tools there for helping me get the focus off the alkies and onto me !!
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
That was the one thing that totally surprised me at the Al Anon meeting I went to. Nobody sat there and said "so and so did a, b, and c to me" it was all about "here is how I learned to deal with my (x, y and z) behaviors and how learning (such and so thing) about myself / about the world really opened my eyes and changed my life for the better."
I hope your growth and change brings you well deserved peace.
I hope your growth and change brings you well deserved peace.
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