it should be illegal
 

How do you help an alcoholic? I know you should pretend like it doesnt bug you, let them deal with it, and get on with your life, but I feel like when you live with an alcoholic that is just almost impossible. or maybe I'm just bad at pretending? Or maybe I dont want to pretend? I am so angry upset annoyed confused and sad right now. Has anyone ever called the cops on someone they know is drnking and driving? Is that a loving thing to do or a betrayal? Maybe its "ok" to have a "few beers". Why does it upset me so much? Maybe because I know a "few beers" always ends up as a dui , crashed car, popped tire, stomach ache, monthly payment, headache, beer can mess that i am supposed to clean up. JUST STOP IT ALREADY SO WE CAN HAVE A NORMAL LIFE!!!!! Please help

Absolutely people here have called the police when they know someone is driving under the influence. From what I understand, they will not divulge that they were tipped off. They'll just pull the guy over and give him a sobriety test. If he is drinking and driving, I would recommend that you do just that because he could end up hurting or killing an innocent person. (((HUGS)))

Yes, many call in their intoxicated loved ones.

Trying to tell my ABF how I feel is pointless. I have told him for years and it has done nothing to change him and has kept me feeling angry and helpless.

But I don't like to pretend either so I don't. I let my actions speak for me without anger or contempt.

When anger or nerves get the better of me, I express them to people who can understand and help me through those times (almost anyone but ABF). I resolve my frustrations in healthy ways, exercise, prayer, meditation etc.

You can love someone and still still call the cops if they are going to injure themselves or other. You can be supportive of someone to get help from afar.

Your anger will pass. I still reside with my ABF and my anger has waned considerably over the last few months. "Faking it till you make it" as they say does help. Going through the motions of detaching yourself from his drama can and does help get to a place of true detachment with caring.

If your anger does not let up and you find you cannot live with your A without feeling anger all the time, you have to separate yourself more profoundly meaning physically from him to work through this process.

Best wishes

Alice

beer can mess that i am supposed to clean up.
dear justsad-- why are you supposed to clean it up?

Enabling is by definition doing for an adult what they should be able to do for themselves.
It's his mess - leave it for him to clean up. Does it gross you out? Is it unsanitary and unsafe? Then why are you living like this???? Is this how you want YOUR life to look?

JUST STOP IT ALREADY SO WE CAN HAVE A NORMAL LIFE!!!!!
YOU can start having whatever YOU consider a normal life starting now. Make a plan, take some baby steps and maybe try AlAnon or some one-on-one counseling.
You can't get him to STOP IT! You will make yourself cuckoo trying to get him to do anything. He is an alcoholic. The disease is progressive and they will do things that are absolutely maddening and baffling even to their loved ones. Believe it. That's the nature of addiction.

If you're planning to stay in the relationship, for the short or long term, you can take steps to protect yourself from the insanity! It's not easy - but it is worth it!
peace
b.

And P.S. I found it very unhealthy to "pretend" something that bothers me doesn't bother me. In fact, for me the first step in acceptance was to get real and stop pretending!!!!!!! AlAnon was a lifesaver in this area.

Hi, justsad. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. This is a great site with many wise and caring people. If you haven't already please read the "stickies" at the top of this section. They are full of great insight.

Because I have to learn everything the hard way I didn't listen in the beginning when people told me I couldn't help my A. I thought our situation was different and that I could help him.

I was very, very wrong. The one thing I have learned is that regardless of the differences in people when it comes to alcoholism there is almost a "script" that the alcoholics follow. I have done every possible thing I could think of (and then some) to help and it didn't make a difference. It only made my life a living hell.

The bottom line is that they will not get help until they want to. They will make efforts to please the people in their lives (promises, quitting for a while, etc) but unless they want to do it - it really won't happen.

In the meantime you and everyone who cares for the A will slowly be destroyed if you allow it.

Please take some time and focus on yourself and what you need.

I'm not much of a group person but Alanon really helped give me some much needed perspective. It also helped me to detach from the insanity while I was living there.

Please keep reading and posting. It helps more than you might think right now.

beer can mess that i am supposed to clean up.

I agree with Bernadette!! and everyone...

You are not "supposed" to do anything you do not want to :) you are FREE and everything you do is because you are making a decision to do it.

And that can change anytime :)

I would also vote for turning him in if you know he is driving drunk. It is a matter of being a good citizen, if he does it often, tragedy will strike sooner rather than later.

Keep posting as we care very much. I am glad you found SR.

I turned my exah in for his DUI last summer. I did it anonymously but his attorney got the 911 tapes during his court proceedings and I was revealed. Yes, he hates me for it and yes he thinks I betrayed him? Did I? I still think I made the right decision that day and would do it again. IMO, if you know he is drinking and driving you have a responsibility to call the police. It is unfair to all the other drivers on the road to keep that knowledge a secret.

Think about how many people might not be hurt/killed if their "loved ones" would be willing to pull their head out of the sand long enough to take action and responsibility by alerting authorities!!

((((justsad))))
 

You can't help them. They have to want to and then help themselves. And you MUST help yourself. Allow yourself to feel the pain of the abuse and betrayal and let it motivate you to get out and away from that hell.

I absolutely would call the police on a loved one if I knew they were drinking and driving. Ask yourself this... would you be able live with YOURSELF if you let this go on and they killed someone? If you don't call the police, you are betraying YOURSELF and every other law abiding citizen on the streets.

Bless you, I know how you feel. We have to help ourselves. Friends and family are often so manipulated that they forget who they are and that they are alive and deserve love.